I want my son's wedding to be wonderful and not marred

[Iloveljj]

My daughter has BPD Narcisstic cluster B?  I think that is right.  She has not returned email, phone call etc for a year.  My sons wedding is this weekend, 5 days away.  My daughter told my husband on Sunday that she has decided not to have any kind of relationship with me to protect herself (she has never said what I do that bothers her and I have asked many times).  She lives several states away, so it is not a daily issue. 

She is coming to my sons's wedding, my 2 granddaughters are flower girls. She told her father she wants them to know me.  My problem is that the last thread of hope I had that she would love me again is gone.  I am non-functional, in shock I guess.  I feel like screaming, throwing up, panic attack all the time.  I am afraid I will not be able to hold myself together for my son's sake at the wedding when I see her for the first time in a year.  I am sure she will just ignore me and not make a scene, but I am afraid I will.  My psychiatrist, knows all about the general outline of events and she said take a xanax and have "allies" with me at all times as support.  Th red-flagat seemed like a workable plan until I found out her decision to not have any relationship at all with me.  Now I am scared to death.  I want my son's wedding to be wonderful and not marred by anything negative. 

If I ask her not to come, that will shut the door on any possible good future for us together.  If she comes, I don't know if I can handle it.

Help!  What would you do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

What is good is that your dd wants our grandchildren to know you.  That door has not been shut.  I would take it as a blessing that you get to see your grandchildren.   What are you holding onto that you fear that may initiate a scene?  On that day, let it be just about the day.  Enjoy the wedding.  Enjoy seeing your precious gds.  Do not focus on your r/s with dd.  Let this be all about your son and seeing your grandchildren. 

Remember that this is a major milestone, and he will remember his wedding day, forever.  I hope that can deter you from any words with your dd. 

Your ds has asked the girls to be in his wedding.  Do not ask your dd not to attend.  If she speaks to you, keep it light.  Do not cover any topics that would lead to words being exchanged.  After my dd and I have had a brief separation, I always keep it light when we are communicating again.

What does your dh say?  Your ds?

I am no expert to give advice.  Just another parent of uBPDd.  I hope that you can enjoy the wedding and remember it as a happy occasion. 

[griz]

I think peace has some very good advice.  Yes it will be hard to see her but the door is certainly not closed.  Seeing your grandchildren will be wonderful.  She wants you to have a rs with her children?  Seems to me that this is her way of keeping that door open.

Your T is right.  You need to have support around you and remind yourself that this day is about your son.  I can only implore you for your son's sake also to make sure this happens.  I can tell you, I grew up with a brother who has always had issues.  Not diagnosed with anything (because he has never sort out help and also a mother who spent her life making excuses for him).   My brother would always not show up for holidays or family affairs.  My mom always let my brothers absense be the center of the day.  She would spend the day sulking and crying that her precious baby was not with us.  For me that left memories of holidays and family gatherings that were sad and filled with anger.  Don't let your son look back at his wedding day like this.

Griz

[Iloveljj]

I know you are right and I am grateful for the chance to see my granddaughters.  That is a change.  My daughter wouldn't even let me talk to them on the phone till now. 

She won't speak to me, I predict she will ignore me.  There will be no scenes, i am afraid of standing in the corner trying not to cry and failing.  My husband doesn't understand my feeling of loss and just thinks I should "get over it".  My son does not know my fears because I don't want any thoughts of problems in his mind for his wedding day.

[six]

I cant tell you how many times my BPDS26 has told me he never wants anything to do with me again.  many times.  he is still here, hangin out on my couch. 

I think you are giving your DD too much power and taking her words at face value.  she is looking to cause a reaction in you and she seems to know how to do it.  she has a mental illness and therefore whatever she says or thinks could change in a minute.  do not obsess over what she has said. 

your job this week is to be mother of the groom and that is IT.  recognize that there will be many ups and downs over the years with your DD.  I wouldn't be surprised if she comes to the wedding and acts totally normal.  I have seen my DS do that.  In any event, the day should not be affected by anything she does or doesn't do. 

I think the best thing you could do for your family would be to spend these days before the wedding getting into a frame of mind of joy and happiness at this wonderful event and push away any of your thoughts about your DD.  you have a lifetime ahead of you to figure out how to handle her. good luck and congratulations!

[vivekananda]

Ilovejj you have been given some good advice here.

I will be a bit blunter in how I put this cos I'm in a hurry 

1. pwBPD change their minds from minute to minute. She may turn up and be charming. all that worry and being anxious will have been for nothi9ng - a waste of energy.

2. You have done your homework and understand boundaries yes? So your boundaries are to protect yourself. If she starts to upset, have a strategy worked out eg, I can go to auntie May and ask her about her garden... .I will go to the toilet and have a quiet breathing space ... .I will say 'I'm sorry I can't speak now, I'll be back in 10 minutes" - go off and speak with someone else then return in 11 minutes. You know what to do.

3. Enjoy your son's wedding and the chance to see you grandchildren and remember this is not about you it is about them. They do not exist to meet your emotional needs. That they are your love and heart's content is something different. don't assume or expect anything but love and kindness. If it isn't there, walk away to where it is.

4. If it goes belly up, walk away and do not get involved.

5. Practice your mindfulness - breathe calmly and carefully and allow yourself to feel the compassion of the universe.

6. tell us how it goes!

Cheers,

rushing Vivek    

ps remember the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) hides reality from us and clouds our vision - avoid it at all costs.