Coming back...

[itsnotme]

I originally found this wonderful form a few years ago when I needed it the most. I will go into a little of my story (it's so draining). My mother is U/BPD. She was a single mom, had me at 17 and from what I can remember I have always been painted black. I have 3 other siblings, one other painted black, one good child and one narcissistic.

The major events in my life that have broken my soul:

-I was sexually abused by my step dad for years, she (she knew before I did. it started out with him peeping) blamed me and to add salt to the wound left him years later only because he cheated on her. However she still hangs out with him. Prefers his company over mine and her grandchildren.

-rages about not being included (even if I do) in family events but then won't show up or passes on the offer when asked.

-I have been called every name in the book countless times.

-many of my birthdays have been spent celebrated without her (mine and her grandchildren)

-she refused to talk to my husband at my wedding, wouldn't dance with him

Honestly there are so many horrible things that she has done I can't even write them down. At this point I'm done. The latest event was her telling all my sisters that she should have aborted me when she had the chance. She has said worse, but at this point she brings nothing to the table. Anything that she's involved with is always an issue or absolutely horrible. It's starting to strain my marriage and my relationship w/ my children.

I want to be a better person, mother and wife than her. I need to stop the madness.

As of now I am nc with her. I am speaking to my other painted black sister. I'm sure the other two are on her side but I can't worry about that. I made a deal with my husband that I won't speak to her until after January 15 (after the holidays and my bday). I hope I can make it. The longest I've went was about 6-9 months, and that was about 3 years ago.

Thanks for taking the time... .wish me luck

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, itsnotme & Welcome!

I am really sorry for all the trauma and pain your Mom has caused you; no one deserves to be treated that way, and it isn't fair... .You've gone through a lot over the years, and you need to heal and find your way out of that fog. You are in the right place for that  

You say you found us a few years ago; have you been reading on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board? There are  pinned threads at the top of that page that you would really get a lot from: Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse and Suggested Reading. If you haven't read them yet, I really recommend them... .

I'm so happy that you are posting your story and searching for the help you need. Is your Mom actually diagnosed? Has she ever been in therapy for BPD? Have you ever seen a therapist yourself? Lots of members here (myself included!) have found something like that very helpful... .Please know that we are here for you, and want to help.

P.S. And I do wish you lots of luck!

[itsnotme]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I was put into therapy by the state until I was 18. It was the best years of my life. She made me the person who I am today! My therapist has met my mother a few times so she was able to tell me that my mother had BPD. I'm not sure if my mother knows. I suspect that she does. Over the years she has been to a few different therapist and of course "they don't know what they are talking about."

I have read two books, walking on eggshells and I think the other was surviving BPD parent. In my fog I gave them to my sister thinking she would read it and that I didn't need it anymore. Lol... .Kind of wish I still had it.

I would love to flood my mother mailbox with books about BPD, but I'm sure she would find a way to turn it around on my. This is so time consuming... life it too short to have to deal with this.

Is there a method of deal with nc... I feel like I'm morning the death of her, it that wrong to say? Also what should I tell my children? 9,7 &4?

Thanks for the help.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, itsnotme... .I'm so happy you have/had a therapist who could understand you; it's great that she could validate your feelings about your Mom after meeting her. I'm sorry your Mom won't accept her situation; that has got to be really frustrating! The 2 books you've already read are good ones; here's another that would be extremely helpful: Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - Valerie Porr.

I know how you feel, mourning the death of the Mom you thought you had, and now having to deal with the one you really do have... .All of us with BPD loved ones have to come to that realization at some point, regardless of the familial connection. I've got some links here that can help you:

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

I know that her behaviors and your reactions to them, and your need to protect your family can be really difficult. Figuring out how to do all of that, and what to tell your kids and navigating that minefield takes some finesse... .These can help you understand your situation better, possibly making it easier to do:

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

I know I'm giving you loads of information... .All of these links, and all of the links in my first post above, can really help you. If you just get yourself a cup of coffee (a latte? tea? something cold, instead?) when you have some free time, and read, read, read, you will find a whole new world of knowledge available to you around here. And knowledge is power... .power to change what we know, what we understand about our loved ones with BPD. And when we understand them better, we can communicate with them better: changing the way we relate to them, changes the way they react to us. And then things really can get better... .Read, post, ask; we are here to help!

[redroom]

-I was sexually abused by my step dad for years, she (she knew before I did. it started out with him peeping) blamed me and to add salt to the wound left him years later only because he cheated on her. However she still hangs out with him. Prefers his company over mine and her grandchildren.

I completely understand that betrayal.  I was never sexually abused, but I was physically abused by my father.  My mom even instigated it a lot of the time, or was abusive on her own.  It was confusing, though, because sometimes my mom would try to comfort me or calm my dad down.  I was singled out.  My mom and my sister were never hurt.

Then I turned 18 and got the heck out of there.  With me gone, my dad would gradually turn his rages toward my mother.  Apparently, he threw a glass of water at her (I've experienced much, much worse, by both), and she decided that she was going to divorce him because of "abuse". 

They didn't end up divorcing, but I remember feeling like my world fell apart.  I'd always hear stories about women who were abused, but when the abuser started hurting the kids, they got out.  With my mom it was the opposite.  It was OK to hurt me, but once she was the victim, that's when she decided to take action. 

All those years, I thought she just didn't have the courage to leave him (they actually had a great marriage, rarely fought), only to find out that my welfare just wasn't that important. 

Your mom and step dad belong in prison, far away from any children. 

[Sasha026]

Hi Itsnotme, welcome back. This site is like a haven for abused older children... .you will find solace here.

My advice to you is walk away. She feels absolutely nothing for you or your family and all she will do is make your life miserable. I stayed with my mother for 59 years, then just decided to let her live the rest of her unhappy life out in a nursing home. By the time I decided to walk away, I was so weak and abused that I really had no other option. I couldn't let the nursing home take any more money or time from me. I was just too tired to fight - I had my son and his future to think about.

Let me tell you, I never regretted it. At first, I felt horrible... .but after a while it felt good not to deal with her. She was a terrible woman. She never loved me (just used me) and at that time, I was all used up.

I know you probably fell guilty, but you do have siblings. Take some time for yourself and your family. Ask yourself a question, would she care if it were you? Or, would she walk away?

Sometimes we just have to get a little selfish. Not a bad selfish but a type that keeps you healthy.

Hugs    and welcome back.

[nevermore]

I have left and returned to this site a few times but it is always my go to place when things get bad. I do wish you luck with your NC. I went NC for quite a while about two years ago.  It was the best time of my life. My regret is being back in contact with my mother but I did manage to build very strong boundaries. She, of course, doesn't realize the boundaries are there and if she did she wouldn't respect them. They are all in my head and I stay strong with what I will and won't discuss with her and react to.

Like you I have a lovely family, great husband and kids. I know I only get one life and the first nineteen years were hell thanks to a BP mother, an enmeshed abusive father, a BP brother and all that that chaos brings.  Once I escaped through marriage I still let her work me like a puppet right up until the 3rd or 4th rage fest.  That is when I moved away and went NC.

We simply can't give up our right to be happy, our right to enjoy our husband, children and friends because we let their negativity color our world.  Don't give her that power.  Right now you have stripped her of that power over you.    I am very proud of you.

Carrying around guilt, which they try to hand us as if it were a gift, will do nothing but wear us out and eventually break us.  When someone tries to hand you a guilt trip, no matter how pretty it is wrapped... .sit it down and walk away. 

I am so glad you are back and look forward to reading more of your posts.  Stay strong.  I know you are strong or you would not have made it this far.