is it normal to cringe at every step of the divorce?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Every time I hear from my lawyer, or have to confront the realities of divorce, or fill out paperwork, I cringe.  Filling out my financial forms made me sick.  I can't use the word divorce in conversation and can't bear the thought of calling my husband my ex, ever.  

I am leaving him because I get nervous every time I talk to him, because he lies, because he told the police I abused our son (falsely), and he has said so many bad things, but I also know it's an illness and I also feel love for him.  And this process is so ugly.  He has a disease that makes him fear abandonment and I have abandoned him.

Is it normal to hate every morsel of this process?  I keep thinking it's a sign that I should just get back together with him and set extreme boundaries and stay in counseling.  My gut and mind tell me to keep going with the divorce, but my heart and feelings are that it would just be easier for the kids and in some ways for me if I just let him back in. I guess they make divorce hard for a reason! 

Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else hated hearing from their lawyer(s) and even just the paperwork.

[momtara]

Every time I hear from my lawyer, or have to confront the realities of divorce, or fill out paperwork, I cringe.  Filling out my financial forms made me sick.  I can't use the word divorce in conversation and can't bear the thought of calling my husband my ex, ever.  

I am leaving him because I get nervous every time I talk to him, because he lies, because he told the police I abused our son (falsely), and he has said so many bad things, but I also know it's an illness and I also feel love for him.  And this process is so ugly.  He has a disease that makes him fear abandonment and I have abandoned him.

Is it normal to hate every morsel of this process?  I keep thinking it's a sign that I should just get back together with him and set extreme boundaries and stay in counseling.  My gut and mind tell me to keep going with the divorce, but my heart and feelings are that it would just be easier for the kids and in some ways for me if I just let him back in. I guess they make divorce hard for a reason! 

Anyway, I'm just wondering if anyone else hated hearing from their lawyer(s) and even just the paperwork.

[livednlearned]

 I keep thinking it's a sign that I should just get back together with him and set extreme boundaries and stay in counseling.  My gut and mind tell me to keep going with the divorce, but my heart and feelings are that it would just be easier for the kids and in some ways for me if I just let him back in.

I think this is part of our illness. The second-guessing, the over-thinking, believing that we have control over the outcomes if only we do xyz. And divorce is very triggering for people who have abnormally high levels of fear, obligation, and guilt. I think it takes a long time away from being in abusive r/s before things are quiet enough to pay attention to our roles in the dysfunction. Create a windshield for these kinds of feelings and thoughts. Look at them when the come, and then wipe them away.

Someone who falsely accused you of abusing your son is dangerous. Divorce is an appropriate (and not extreme) boundary to set with someone who is dangerous.

[ForeverDad]

Having false allegations - with potential huge consequences - made against you by the person who should have been your most trusted and closest companion is no little thing.  You can't 'fix' that to go back.  The other would have to take ownership, unlikely to happen and even then the TRUST is still broken.  It's not like he accused you of taking the last piece of cheesecake in the refrigerator.

Step outside your immediate circumstances and see what happened from the outside in and not from the inside out.  What if this happened to your friend, your sister, your child (when grown)?  Would you recommend, "just live with it" or "just keep trying even if nothing ever works for very long"?

Another perspective:  No, you haven't abandoned him, you've been driven away.

Different people have different thresholds for declaring the relationship ended.  Some may say infidelity is a deal breaker.  Others may say repeated infidelity is a deal breaker.  Truly, I think any major false allegation too is a deal breaker, with one of the major reasons being there's no way to prevent more allegations in the future.  The way the legal system is structured, no one will stop your spouse, ex-spouse or anyone else for that matter from making unsubstantiated allegations.  I think the legal premise is that they don't want the accuser to feel repercussions or consequences for coming forward over and over in case eventually one allegation might be found to have some merit.  Eventually the reporter would lose some credibility, as my ex has, but no one has ever stopped her from making allegations and it's been over 7 years of various allegations, large and small.  That's one of the biggest reasons she's my ex and no longer my spouse.  The one who should have stayed my greatest supporter has been my only and greatest opponent.

Give yourself time for recovery.  Recovery is a process, not an event.  Meanwhile don't guilt yourself, don't punish yourself due to another's actions.

[momtara]

Thanks, Dad. 

He actually did come clean and admit that his illness caused him to make the false allegations.  He told his therapist, family and me that they weren't true.  I agree that it's a scary thing and I think he'll do other scary things in the future.

I guess I was more wondering if it's normal to just hate dealing with the divorce stuff and kind of wish it wasn't going on, and to get nervous every time you see correspondence from your lawyer.

[ts919]

Wow momtara - your post is so timely for me!  I feel the EXACT same way right now!  I had to fill out my financials today for my attorney - I wanted to puke the whole time.  I hate the process as well... .and it makes me think I should just call it off - I must be overreacting, right? 

Then I read a post like yours... .and I realize that indeed, I need to be done.  It's just way to similar.  The main difference is my uBPDw has threatened (on several occasions) to wake my S6 up and tell him what an ___hole I am (she is not his mother, she is his stepmother), threatened to punch me while he was standing there watching, threatened to tell him other things about me (when I told her she was not to act that way in front of him, she looked me dead in the eyes and told me that there was nothing I could do to stop her - this was almost a year ago)... .so while not exactly a false abuse claim, but I guess similar in a major boundary crossing, as well as a major trust issue.  ForeverDad's first sentence really hit the nail on the head. "Your most trusted and closest companion"; that person should never treat you that way. 

Lucky for both of us, there is this board.  And we get to find out that we're not the only ones about ready to puke every time another step is taken. 

[momtara]

Thanks.  Actually my attorney told me the same thing about wanting to vomit when doing those financial forms.  Who wants their life picked apart like that?  It would be easier to run back into his arms.

My husband used to make those threats and I'd tell myself, well, it's just a threat.  Then I guess I hoped if he was going to push it too far, I'd rather know sooner than later.  So I tried to stand up to him and tell him not to act like that, and he really made good on teh abuse claims.

I don't know if he really believed it.  Which is even scarier.  Because if he imagines things, what might he imagine next?

I guess some people are so relieved to be getting a divorce.  When he acts like a jerk, I am relieved too and can't wait to be done - but as usual, he gets all nice and apologetic and I get sucked in. 

The hardest part of this process is knowing that i will still be putting up with his dysfunction because of our kids.  Being a broken family doesn't make sense.  It is hard to come to terms with.

[thisyoungdad]

It sounds very similar to the experience I have been going through the past 9 months or so. Even now to call her my ex when the divorce isn't final for another 5 months but we are for all purposes divorced... .makes me cringe and it is difficult to say even just to myself but it is slowly getting better. The more I remind myself that people, the couples therapist as well, was warning me of being in physical danger the more I realize this needs to happen and I am able to accept it, which in turn helps with that feeling. It is taking time though, lots of time.

[crystal]

I felt exactly the same way.  heres why--maybe some of this will resonate with you.

1. Even though I was absolutely sure Divorce was the only option, I felt TERRIBLE and like a failure for getting divorced.  Why? I had been raised to believe in the sanctity of marriage and to follow through on commitment. What I was missing was that I also had a commitment to care for myself and my children and an abusive marriage was not a marriage in the eyes of any God I believed in.

2. I found the financial papers terrifying and overwhelming. I cried every time I had to do them? Why? I was financially ok and had a good job.  But my Ex had so brainwashed me (and I had let him) that I really didnt believe I could make it on my own.

3. The whole idea of dividing stuff up, coming up with child plans etc, meant I had to say WHAT I WANT and stand up to him and his manipulation and his anger.  I was enough in teh FOG that I felt guilty standing up for myseld and I was so emotionally abused that I had physical reactions to  seeing him, hearing his voice, even getting an email from him.

How did I deal with it? reminded myself it was for my kids as well. Put that part of my life in a separate bucket as much as possible. I have an email acct that is only for my ex and lawyer and I disciplined myself to only look at it once a day. I set aside time to do this horrible work and then rewarded myself with a good cry and a walk and music. I vented here and to my sisters. I had good T

I am five years out. Doing well. Kids are great. I am financially solid. We are going back to court next week (he wants to pay no child support!) and I am pissed but I did all the financials without a tear!  I am 90% solid emotionally (not 100%-- I Still DREAD being in the same room with him).

Your response is completely normal! and it will get better! 

Crystal

[MovingOnForLife]

I felt exactly the same way.  heres why--maybe some of this will resonate with you.

1. Even though I was absolutely sure Divorce was the only option, I felt TERRIBLE and like a failure for getting divorced.  Why? I had been raised to believe in the sanctity of marriage and to follow through on commitment. What I was missing was that I also had a commitment to care for myself and my children and an abusive marriage was not a marriage in the eyes of any God I believed in.

2. I found the financial papers terrifying and overwhelming. I cried every time I had to do them? Why? I was financially ok and had a good job.  But my Ex had so brainwashed me (and I had let him) that I really didnt believe I could make it on my own.

3. The whole idea of dividing stuff up, coming up with child plans etc, meant I had to say WHAT I WANT and stand up to him and his manipulation and his anger.  I was enough in teh FOG that I felt guilty standing up for myseld and I was so emotionally abused that I had physical reactions to  seeing him, hearing his voice, even getting an email from him.

How did I deal with it? reminded myself it was for my kids as well. Put that part of my life in a separate bucket as much as possible. I have an email acct that is only for my ex and lawyer and I disciplined myself to only look at it once a day. I set aside time to do this horrible work and then rewarded myself with a good cry and a walk and music. I vented here and to my sisters. I had good T

I am five years out. Doing well. Kids are great. I am financially solid. We are going back to court next week (he wants to pay no child support!) and I am pissed but I did all the financials without a tear!  I am 90% solid emotionally (not 100%-- I Still DREAD being in the same room with him).

Your response is completely normal! and it will get better! 

Crystal

Crystal -  great post! Thank you! It's just what I needed today.

[ForeverDad]

Take Crystal's post, reverse the genders and I could have posted that too.  I think what made the difference for me was that once my parenting was (reasonably) secure, my worries faded.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still in and out of court.  I got custody in 2011 but problems continued.  The GAL thought the settlement reached then would work but I knew better.  I currently have a case seeking majority time, filed 14 months ago and still pending.  My lawyer said it was far simpler than seeking custody which took 1.5 years but already this is looking to become an even longer case.

Take last week.  My lawyer called saying the other lawyer just filed a laundry list of allegations and asking for yet another continuance of our case currently scheduled for mid-October.  Rather than cringing, I sighed and remarked that it was a bit soon, I expected a continuance to be request a week beforehand, not this soon.  Yuck, the new normal.

Her attorney knows how to uses continuances as a delay tactic, for this matter alone he has sought 4 continuances, one was denied, two were granted and the latest one filed last week is pending.  Her attorney is raising every issue under the sun, trying to make me look worse than his misbehaving client, criticizing everything about experienced GAL and GAL's report, alleging son has issues, the issues are my fault and not being addressed, etc.  In other words, throwing every spitball at the wall hoping enough will stick so that it will take the court's attention away from her behaviors.

[crystal]

I think what made the difference for me was that once my parenting was (reasonably) secure, my worries faded.

Yep. Same for me.

The more you focus on what really matters --kids, self, family and less on your soon-to-be ex. the better life is and the easier this all gets! 

 

[momtara]

Thanks, Crystal.  I vowed as a kid to never get divorced, so this was a blow for me too. 

But also, I am scared.  I am scared that the next correspondence from my lawyer will be some made up charge I have to fight.  It hasn't happened yet, but you never know what's going on in hubby's head. 

We actually worked out parenting in mediation, and I was pretty happy at first.  He only has a few overnights a month.  But now he is scaring me so I am thinking maybe that's even too much and that I should have fought harder to get supervised visitation or something.

Anyway... .

I hate seeing my lawyer's name in my email, hate having to redo all these financial forms, hate knowing that a 15 min conversation with my lawyer costs me $90, and hate that I feel terrorized by the thought of him lying to me and making my head spin again. 

[crystal]

YEP! totally get that. I HATED it all also.  But I found turning the fear to anger was helpful. And having a sounding board for a reality check (often this board) was helpful.  My ex was so convincing (and I was such a mess) I cringed at all of his big ugly blustery threats. I needed someone to say.

"UM. NO. that aint gonna happen". 

I did have to fight ridiculous charges.  And i hated that but Im ok and got through it.  As for the lawyer--yeah, they are expensive. Dont waste time venting to them--they are very expensive therapists! 

And try to focus on what IS, not what might be, because if there is one thing that is true about BPDs is they are totally unpredictable. Give him as little emotional and brain space as you can. You will be happier and stronger!

you can do this!

[jmrslc]

Thanks, Crystal.  I vowed as a kid to never get divorced, so this was a blow for me too. 

But also, I am scared.  I am scared that the next correspondence from my lawyer will be some made up charge I have to fight.  It hasn't happened yet, but you never know what's going on in hubby's head. 

We actually worked out parenting in mediation, and I was pretty happy at first.  He only has a few overnights a month.  But now he is scaring me so I am thinking maybe that's even too much and that I should have fought harder to get supervised visitation or something.

Anyway... .

I hate seeing my lawyer's name in my email, hate having to redo all these financial forms, hate knowing that a 15 min conversation with my lawyer costs me $90, and hate that I feel terrorized by the thought of him lying to me and making my head spin again. 

Ditto

I never thought I would be divorced, let alone twice (This is my second marriage -- no kids in the first one).  Add to it that my actions (all circumstances aside) precipitated a lot of this, and I know exactly how you feel. 

You aren't alone... .

[momtara]

Yes, my actions caused some of this too (mainly pushing to have kids.  He said he wasn't ready.  I guess he really wasn't but I didn't listen.)

And part of me still loves him, because the good side of him really wants his family back.  I don't want to be divorced, but staying together or even just being separated gives him the wrong idea and will make everything worse in the end, unless he was able to change 100 percent (which he's not).  I'm not really emotionally ready to divorce.

So yes, the D word is a very ugly one, and I guess I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it happen instead of actually having to CONFRONT all these stages of it.  But my kids are at stake.

[livednlearned]

I'm not really emotionally ready to divorce.

That must make it so much harder, momtara. Still feeling love for your ex while divorcing must take so much strength and conviction.

I left feeling terrorized, worried for my safety, and that's a different dynamic. But at some point, I went through this intense stage of grief, mourning not just the end of my marriage, but this profoundly deep longing to feel safe, something I'd never felt. I had married N/BPDx thinking he was that person, and he turned out to be the most dangerous person I'd ever known. Those feelings opened me up like nothing else. I think I cried every day for months.

But I did feel dread whenever I saw an email from N/BPDx, or received something from my L in the mail. And when something good happens, like when I finally got sole custody, I was relieved to hear the ruling was in my favor, but it represented so much pain and exhaustion and expense that I just felt hollowed out. I couldn't even talk to S12 about it.

There's so much sadness in all of this. It's amazing what people here endure. 

[momtara]

I don't fear for my own safety, for some reason.  I only worry about my kids.  Hubby's need for revenge has never been physical against me.  He does other things to hurt me.  In some ways, it's worse.  Harder to document.

[livednlearned]

I don't fear for my own safety, for some reason.  I only worry about my kids.  Hubby's need for revenge has never been physical against me.  He does other things to hurt me.  In some ways, it's worse.  Harder to document.

I know what you mean. When N/BPDx had his psychotic episode last summer, it drastically changed the course of our custody case. It was terrifying to go through, the darkest 24 hours of my life, but it ended up being the turning point. That really tricky revengeful type of stuff that flies below the radar (and frankly, sometimes makes us sound crazy and paranoid when we try to describe it) is much harder to document.

[crystal]

That really tricky revengeful type of stuff that flies below the radar (and frankly, sometimes makes us sound crazy and paranoid when we try to describe it) is much harder to document.

AMEN TO THAT! Not only makes us sound crazy, I think it was making me crazy!  Do NOT miss that at ALL!