Help needed in drafting email to address issue

[Free One]

I need to address an issue with my ex in regards to our S8.

Details: Ex has first weekend with son in one month. Ex leaves son at mom's house from noon Saturday to afternoon Sunday to attended wedding. Son is under impression dad is picking him up Saturday night. Son comes back to me Sunday night upset that the bulk of his non-school time over the weekend wasn't spent with Dad. Being only the second week of school, this sets son up to be clingy and insecure about going to school Monday and Tuesday (first week he did great and I felt confident in going to school). This also triggers general behavior issues in son. He just isn't getting the time with Dad he is supposed to, and doesn't know how to process it (Dad also opted to skip his two one-week vacation periods this month).

I need to broach the subject with my ex for two reasons: One, I hope to bring to his attention that son needs more focused attention from Dad. I hate to see son struggle again this year in school because he isn't feeling safe and secure at home. Two, I need documentation that Dad is not spending his time with son.

Our schedule is Dad has son every other Monday and Thursday after school for the evening, then the alternating Thursday-Sunday overnights.

I want the email to come across as friendly and asking for solutions at an attempt to work together. I am not good at this type of email. I tend to be more direct, but I want to do my best not to trigger ex's defensiveness.

I'd love input and help on this. Thanks in advance!

[Dire Wolf]

Well, this is a tricky one.

Based on my experiences and what I have read about th BPD's, you should expect massive defensiveness no matter how you say whatever it is you end up saying. The bottom line is that you will be telling him what to do, which again, in my experience only whiplashed back in my face and did nothing to change the actions and priorities of the BPD.

If your ex thought your son was a priority over attending a wedding then he would have skipped the wedding. If you think you can reasonably point out that your son responded and acted-out based on the actions of the BPD, then great. I can only tell you that my uBPDxw would never be able to hear me if I tried to explain something like this to her.

Aside from anything that is clearly dangerous (not just hurtful and otherwise damaging) your opinion on how the BPD handles his time with your son is, unfortunatley, his business. Unless of course you are one of the lucky few that actually has some cooperative beahvior periodically from the BPDx.

I'm not sure why you want to have documentation. Years ago I felt the same way, but there really was no official reason for it. Again, unfortunatley, if the BPD parent chooses to not maximize their time with the child and use grandparents, that is their business. But you may want to keep a log for yourself if, for nothing else, to validate your reasons for no longer being with the BPDx.

Good luck

[Free One]

I don't have expectations that ex will change his behavior, but I have tried everything else other than telling ex where son is struggling. For myself, it feels like the right thing to do as far as making a valid attempt to address something that is causing problems for son.

I do need documentation on such things because there may be court in the future. I normally would agree that what ex is doing on his time is not my business, but if what is happening on his time is effecting son's behavior and success in school, it's my business.

[Free One]

Son's T also recommend I broach the subject.

[Ishenuts]

I feel so bad for your son. He KNOWS where his father's priorities lie. I have some of the same issues with my uNPDexH. He spends a disproportionate amount of time with our DS, leaving our DD with babysitters. Most of the time with DS is spent doing sports related activities, which DD is not interested in. Our children are 11 yo (twins). I know it bothers her. Do you have a Right of First Refusal built into your parenting plan? Ours is 5 hours, and he's supposed to offer them to me before getting a babysitter. He ignores it, of course!

I do know that I can not say anything to the exH about it. He will grill my DD, making her deny that it bothers her to keep the peace. He will also then tell me that I am lying about it bothering DD, and to stay out of his business.  My children are older than your son, but lately I have been working on trying to give them their "voices", to encourage them to speak for themselves to their father. I'm also trying to get them into therapy so they won't be so afraid to approach him. Of course, exH if stalling on finding a therapist - wonder why?

I know what you are up against. I can only speak for my situation, and there is no way to find "acceptable" wording that won't trigger his defensiveness. That's why he's my "ex". Even while married I was unable to offer any suggestions to his parenting because he was the "perfect parent" and I was the "horrible parent"

Good luck!