H Trying To Prove That I Am The Cause Of All Our Problems

[maryy16]

For the past 30+ year's my H's behavior has been pretty much predictable when he is dysregulated.  If he got angry with me, he would pretty much be angry with the rest of the family.  Like "Beware, dad's in a bad mood" and everyone would know to avoid him until he calmed down.

Well, lately I have noticed that his behavior is changing. If he becomes angry with me, he now becomes EXTRA nice and friendly with our children (they are all adults now).  At first, I actually thought it was a good sign... .that he was able to control his emotions and move on without much incident.

But, unfortunately, I don't believe that is the case.  While he is being nice and friendly to our children, he is underhandedly ignoring me.  It is hard to explain, but when we are all together, on the surface, he appears perfectly okay, laughing, smiling, etc., but if I try to ask him anything or try to start a conversation, he answers me with one-word answers.  He also will not directly talk to me or ask me anything, all this with a smile on his face.   I know that our kids are not aware of what he is doing.  At first I just thought I was being paranoid after years of his abuse, but when we get back home and are alone, he reverts back to his old self, along with the anger and name-calling.

I believe he is doing this because he is trying to "prove" to himself and our kids that I am the cause of all the problems.  He told me the other day "You are the only person I ever have problems with.  No one else irritates me like you do".  Now, of course, I have heard that statement so many times over the course of our relationship, but it takes on a different meaning to me now along with his new behavior.

I truly believe that he is setting me up for failure to "prove" to himself that he is able to get along and have fun with everyone else except me. 

And I guess my question is... .why? If he is able to control his emotions and manage to have fun with "everyone else", why can't he do the same for me? Why does he not want to have fun with me?  Why do I have to be the scapegoat? Why, why, why?  :'(

[Surnia]

Hi maryy16

I cannot look in the head of your h, so I can only make assumptions.

I could imagine that you are changing. Little things perhaps, which has a effect on him. So he is struggling, feels insecure  and his approach is to project it on you.

Does validation is working with him?

[maryy16]

Surnia, I believe you may right.  I have been making small changes thanks to the lessons learned here.  So, it would only make sense that he is changing his behavior also.

I guess I should look at this from a positive perspective... .at least he is not yelling at the kids anymore or ruining an outing. 

Validation does seem to work somewhat with him, as long as I can catch him before he goes into a full rage. 

[toomanytears]

This extract from the article here might shed some light on what's going on

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.co.uk/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html



"your BPD partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It's a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder.

As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind.

This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible."

I've been married 31 years and four weeks ago my husband walked out on me. He says I threw him out - but he has fabricated this so he can see himself as the victim.

I'm finding my current situation very hard to believe because my partner's 'idealisation' of me was so intense and rewarding. Not long ago he was talking about us renewing our marriage vows, looking forward to grandchildren etc etc. Now that's vanished. It's as if he's thrown me out of his head. It is so so hard, especially at the end the day. I miss him terribly. Reading these posts and knowing that others are suffering does help. This article was pretty sobering and uncomfortable reading but it's helping me to face the facts. You are not the one with the problem.