BPD ex coming to get his "stuff" tomorrow - please need advice fast

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been on this board before and you've been a great help.  I need some quick advice.  Here is my story in a nutshell.

Met Borderline over a year ago and found out he was pwBPD from his ex-gf.  At first I thought it was just her being jealous but now I think it was just her warning me of the emotional hell I was about to partake in.  I didn't trust him from day 1 because he always had girls texting and not that it isn't normal for a single guy dating but this was over the top with multiple girls texting and alot.  He was good looking, funny, smart, had money, generous, loved to travel and fun.  Wow - a catch I thought.  Ha!  Over the past year, while we had a lot of fun and laughs and travels together, but it didn't come without major chaos, drama and fighting.  He broke up with no less than 10 times over the course of the year.  He would give me the silent treatment for days at a time.  He would still have women texting him, many in which he slept with before me but to him I was just jealous and insecure.  When I would question him about the girls - he would just lose it and turn it on me.  He had no boundaries.  I know that he cared for me but I think his BPD runs his life and he can't control the mean spirited person he becomes.  So, the last time we broke up he told me to leave him alone and I did but this time for the longest period ever in our relationship - 2 weeks.  Today he texts me to leave his stuff in the garage (he lives about an hour away) because he's going to be in my area tomorrow (no reason for him to be around here, really).  So I said I would and that was it.  I really don't want to see him because I think the hurt probably caught up with me and I'm just fed up and mentally broken.  I do miss some of him but certainly not the mean, ugly, condescending jerk that comes out every 2-3 weeks or so.

So, I decided not to be here -- I don't need to see him right now.  I need to heal - emotionally and mentally.  But my question is -- should I leave him a note just telling him that I hope he realizes how much his words and actions hurt people and that he really shouldn't treat people like disposable property?  or should I just leave his stuff in the garage and forget trying to make him understand the extent of the hurt he caused me.  I know I need a healthier relationship - but we had a lot of chemistry and that is hard to find.  He hasn't had very successful relationships - most don't last more than 6 months.  All because he has BPD and won't seek help b/c he won't admit there is anything wrong with him.  It was always the other persons fault.  Any advice would be helpful!  

[Javagirl]

I've been on this board before and you've been a great help.  I need some quick advice.  Here is my story in a nutshell.

Met Borderline over a year ago and found out he was pwBPD from his ex-gf.  At first I thought it was just her being jealous but now I think it was just her warning me of the emotional hell I was about to partake in.  I didn't trust him from day 1 because he always had girls texting and not that it isn't normal for a single guy dating but this was over the top with multiple girls texting and alot.  He was good looking, funny, smart, had money, generous, loved to travel and fun.  Wow - a catch I thought.  Ha!  Over the past year, while we had a lot of fun and laughs and travels together, but it didn't come without major chaos, drama and fighting.  He broke up with no less than 10 times over the course of the year.  He would give me the silent treatment for days at a time.  He would still have women texting him, many in which he slept with before me but to him I was just jealous and insecure.  When I would question him about the girls - he would just lose it and turn it on me.  He had no boundaries.  I know that he cared for me but I think his BPD runs his life and he can't control the mean spirited person he becomes.  So, the last time we broke up he told me to leave him alone and I did but this time for the longest period ever in our relationship - 2 weeks.  Today he texts me to leave his stuff in the garage (he lives about an hour away) because he's going to be in my area tomorrow (no reason for him to be around here, really).  So I said I would and that was it.  I really don't want to see him because I think the hurt probably caught up with me and I'm just fed up and mentally broken.  I do miss some of him but certainly not the mean, ugly, condescending jerk that comes out every 2-3 weeks or so.

So, I decided not to be here -- I don't need to see him right now.  I need to heal - emotionally and mentally.  But my question is -- should I leave him a note just telling him that I hope he realizes how much his words and actions hurt people and that he really shouldn't treat people like disposable property?  or should I just leave his stuff in the garage and forget trying to make him understand the extent of the hurt he caused me.  I know I need a healthier relationship - but we had a lot of chemistry and that is hard to find.  He hasn't had very successful relationships - most don't last more than 6 months.  All because he has BPD and won't seek help b/c he won't admit there is anything wrong with him.  It was always the other persons fault.  Any advice would be helpful!  

[pecia]

That is hard. I am sorry for you being in this situation. I would not leave him a note. It won't do any good and it will probably just result in him saying something hurtful in return. That is how it is with my husband. It is a suck situation. Hang in there

[Clearmind]

Java - leaving notes can be futile - I completely understand you want him to realize what he has done however it often backfires - he won't see his role.

Don't be home, let him get his stuff and get on with your life.

[Scout99]

I agree with pecia... .leaving a note will not have any desired effect so it is a waste of both your words and your energy, and also builds up some kind of expectation of a response? That won't really be of any help to your healing process... .

Most, even healthy people have a really hard time accepting other people to tell them how they ought to be or what to do... .so even if your message is containing things he should hear and take to his heart, that is not the way he will receive it... .

I also think it is a good idea that you wont be there... .However if you have a friend or something like that who can be, it may be good to ask them to be there in your place... .I did so when my ex NPD bf who was known to loose control and become raging and at times even a bit threatening was bringing my stuff home... .My father came to my place and took care of the exchange of stuff... .It was a tough day, but still now years down the path I never regretted not seeing him that day... .And I was glad my father was kind enough to step in for me... .

Now I don't know your guy or his patterns at all, so it might be quite ok to just let him go into your garage by himself... .but a situation like that is easily triggering for a BPD so if a friend or so is there, and that usually helps keep things civilized... .

Just a friendly tip, and perhaps and hopefully not necessary at all!

You will probably feel a lot when he has been there, so having a good friend around might be good for when you get back too... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Javagirl]

Thank you all for your quick replies!  You are right. A note is futile.  Can't get blood out of a stone.  It will be emotional for me so I plan to be at a friends house.  I appreciate the word of caution but he won't do anything to my garage because we have mutual friends and would never want to "look bad".  I will lock my door so he doesn't have access to my house... .  just the garage which has very little in it at the moment.  Once he is gone, I will change the garage code for sure.