what to believe

[Parents! Get help here!]

We just came from seeing our son. We really dont know how he is supporting himself. He claims to be getting a check from the VA For losing his hearing while in the army. Dont know if thats true. He says he fell down some stairs at the apt comp, ex he lives at and waiting for settlement... .doesnt have to pay rent in the meantime... .dont know if thats true.   Says he gets a quarterly check from a company he does recruiting for... .dont know if thats true either. We live 2000 miles away... .we worry about him so much.  We dont know if these things are true, or he made them up and believes them.   This drives us  crazy.  We didnt want to challenge him on these things because we know things would flare up and we wanted our time with him to be pleasant.   He didnt show up in court when challenged about his ability to parent his 3 year old daughter, so more than likely he lost his parental rights. We have  put in our rights as grandparents to see our gd, but havent heard anything yet. This is so distressing.   Oh, and I have a sister who has 11 perfect grandchildren... .and always talks about them... .this is so hard... .help!

[lovesjazz]

We just came from seeing our son. We really dont know how he is supporting himself. He claims to be getting a check from the VA For losing his hearing while in the army. Dont know if thats true. He says he fell down some stairs at the apt comp, ex he lives at and waiting for settlement... .doesnt have to pay rent in the meantime... .dont know if thats true.   Says he gets a quarterly check from a company he does recruiting for... .dont know if thats true either. We live 2000 miles away... .we worry about him so much.  We dont know if these things are true, or he made them up and believes them.   This drives us  crazy.  We didnt want to challenge him on these things because we know things would flare up and we wanted our time with him to be pleasant.   He didnt show up in court when challenged about his ability to parent his 3 year old daughter, so more than likely he lost his parental rights. We have  put in our rights as grandparents to see our gd, but havent heard anything yet. This is so distressing.   Oh, and I have a sister who has 11 perfect grandchildren... .and always talks about them... .this is so hard... .help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Oh lovesjazz - this IS so hard. I hear lots of grieving in this post. We want so to believe our kids will be OK -- in a way that feels good to us as parents. Hard to let this go. For me too with my DD27. She tells me lots of mixed up things that make no logical sense. Maybe they want us to view them as OK - so we still love them?

What were the positive pieces of your visit? Hold onto those moments.

I hope you hear about your rights to see your gd. I can understand the pain in this too -- not having the chances to share the love of family as a grandma. Others often are so unaware of how insensitive it is when they share the joys in their lives. We want to share this with them, yet need some sensitivity to our sense of loss. It is easy for me to isolate myself from family to avoid my sadness or fears bringing other down.

Wonder what things can help find a balance in this? What is your r/s with your sister if you shared any of your hopes and dreams with her? Is she aware of your legal proceedings to see your gs? Who else do you have nearby that can support you as you wait for the results?

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[Thursday]

lovesjazz-

  and   

11 perfect grandchildren? 

We didnt want to challenge him on these things because we know things would flare up and we wanted our time with him to be pleasant.   

Good on you!

Maybe some of what he says is true, the check from the VA sounds right.

Hope you get the rights to see your grandchild.

Thursday

[lovesjazz]

Thank you thursday and qcarol for your replies. We grew up in a family who didnt show or share feelings.  but I belong to a support group at church for people who have mental illness in their family. I also teach the NAMI  family to family class   and have many friends there. I find myself more comfortable around people who  have similar problems  rather than those who have no clue. I am amazed at those of you who have a lot more to deal with than I do. I give many of you so much courage to have your BPD kids live in your house. I feel guilty sometimes for not allowing it. I could  not bear it. I feel so selfish at times because I just want peace in my life.

[Bonus mom]

Lovesjazz,

I think that everyone will agree when I say there's no need for you to feel guilty about wanting peace in you home.  You are a better person when you take care of yourself, we aren't any good to anyone when we put ourselves second (or third or fifth or 27th!)

Always remember that our children make their own choices. Even with a disability they still make their own choices.  We have no power over them. 

Be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs   

[lovesjazz]

Funny, I know that logically, but cant seem to get it to match my heart. I sometimes feel I am avoiding reality. Yet I know we've done all we could.

[qcarolr]

Finding a path to peace in our home is a primary value for me and dh. Yes, there is often an initial sense of selfishness and guilt. Then I remind myself, whatever I need to keep myself regulated makes me more available to stay connected in healthy ways with my DD27, as well as all others in my life. DD is the most challenging r/s in my life. This often dissolves the guilt.

There have been times when DD could be in our home, when she was able to take time-out to get regulated. When I could take time out to get regulated (we all lose it under stress and overwhelm - we are human). Repairs for damage to r/s in our family were possible then. She could respond to a request for all of us to take some time to calm down. When things got to the point where this repair was not possible, she could not manage to get regulated, I could not make my way to be regulated in response to her, gd was becoming hypervigilant and acting out -- I knew things had to change. AGAIN. She could not continue to be in our home.

Praying for courage, strength and guidance for all of us.

qcr