SILENT Treatment

[downandin]

My post about my wife giving me the note that she wants separation quickly turned into a conversation about me staying or leaving the home and about me needing to protect myself.  It got moved, and if this conversation goes that way, I can understand if this post ends up getting moved as well.  It is really more about my emotional state, though, than the legal issues, so I hope it stays here.

She has threatened leaving in the past, but never wrote things down, so I took it serious.  Now I'm not so sure.  She is into day two now of the complete 'silent treatment.'  She said in the note that we need to talk about things, and, yet, she has gone silent.  I suppose she may have wanted me to just up and leave.  Then she could say that I left her.  :)o you think this is a possibility?  :)oes she really want separation or is this just another 'passive aggressive' attack?  I really don't know.  I know she wants me to magically not be impotent with her anymore, and this can't happen as long as I feel as emotionally detached from her as I do.  Without her ability to accept any blame for anything or to even talk in an adult manner about our problems, they are not going away.  I'm sure she knows this on some level, and maybe she just wants me to initiate the separation/divorce so she can say I left her?  

I have worked really hard for our home and what we have and I hate to see it gone in a flash.  That is what a divorce would mean.  The house would have to be sold, and it would take the equity to pay off all the other bills.  I would be left to completely start over financially only 6 years away from what I hoped would be my retirement.  

I really am afraid that I am not going to survive all this physically.  I am sick.  I know now that it is stress and nerves that are causing my sickness.  I have lost 50 lbs.  I feel too sick at my stomach to eat.  In the past two days, I've had a milkshake and some cookies.  That's it.  I'm shaky all over and in a virtual full-time panic attack.  How much longer will my heart (severe family history of heart disease) hold out?  

Yesterday afternoon my youngest son had a basketball game, and I took him.  She arrived late, as soon as she got off work.  Her father also came.  She sat beside him and talked the entire game as I sat behind them.  She acted like absolutely nothing was wrong.  He loves me, by the way, and thinks I am a great son-in-law.  She has never told him anything about our marital issues.  I have wondered should I?  I don't think that is my place, though.  Anyway, I just happened to look down at her hand to make sure she was still wearing her ring.  She was, and when I saw it, I almost burst into tears.  I had to leave the gym to compose myself.  I also started gagging, with nausea.  I love her and wanted this to work out so badly.  I am at my wits end.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sangria15]

It is so hard- I've ended up grinding my teeth so badly because of this that I have to get a tooth out. Can't sleep. However I did search the boards and found some good advice about detachment and mirroring. And remember- it is an illness and the silent treatment is part of it. Not your fault.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Downandin, I'm so sorry to see that you're in so much pain 

What can you do to calm yourself a little? Exercise? Fishing? Listening to music you love? I don't know if yoga or meditation is your thing, but concentrating on your breathing, making sure you lower your shoulders and breath with your stomach to get oxygen to your body and brain. It can also help to do activities where our brain is forced to focus on something else for a while, so give us a break from the pain. Do you think you can do that?

It's horrible to possibly face a divorce one doesn't want. I was in that place with my ex-husband. I virtually stopped eating, too. Lived on basically sport drinks, crackers and fruit for a few weeks. Not the healthiest of diets, but it got me through. Even if you're not able to eat much, at least get some nutrients in your body. Smoothies, sport drinks, fruit drinks, a bit of pasta or rice. A fruit. Take care of yourself, downandin. You deserve it.

What helped me was to seek strength in other situations earlier in my life and how I made it through the tunnel at that time and that I'm in fact stronger than I thought. Can you maybe state to yourself your strenghts?

I can't really say if your wife is serious or if the separation note is a result of dysregulation. Only time will tell. It sucks as an answer, I know. Please be kind to yourself, breath, and maybe resolve for now to wait it out. She will sooner or later let you know if she wants to go through with what she said or act like nothing happened. Then we can take it from there. For now, just focus on what you can do to calm yourself a little. Does that sound doable?