after sole custody, coast is clear?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have sole custody. S12 sees N/BPDxh 16 hours a week. Things have been fairly quiet since trial in July. I go back to court next month to try and get the title to my car, collect the legal fees he is ordered to pay, and get him to refi the house.

I don't email N/BPDx anything about S12's life. Should I? I put up these bombproof boundaries while the custody battle was red hot, and now it's over. The drunken abusive, threatening emails (which have slowed down to a trickle) don't rattle me. I just see him now as a very ill, lonely, and unstable man. I'm still paying attention to safety.

Just wondering what comes next. What is best for S12 now?

[livednlearned]

I have sole custody. S12 sees N/BPDxh 16 hours a week. Things have been fairly quiet since trial in July. I go back to court next month to try and get the title to my car, collect the legal fees he is ordered to pay, and get him to refi the house.

I don't email N/BPDx anything about S12's life. Should I? I put up these bombproof boundaries while the custody battle was red hot, and now it's over. The drunken abusive, threatening emails (which have slowed down to a trickle) don't rattle me. I just see him now as a very ill, lonely, and unstable man. I'm still paying attention to safety.

Just wondering what comes next. What is best for S12 now?

[david]

Listen to S12 and see what he says. What is his relationship like with his father ? Does he talk to you about things when he comes home ?

I have two boys 15 and 10. Both tell me all kinds of things and we have a great relationship. I stayed focused on their needs (something xBPDw can't do) and they trust me. That took several years after ex left. She had primary custody. It started with me having EOW and is now at 45/55. I listen and validate. I did it before but I had to get much better at it. They didn't trust either one of us 6 years ago because they didn't know what to do. They were confused,upset,angry,sad, etc... .

[livednlearned]

Listen to S12 and see what he says. What is his relationship like with his father ? Does he talk to you about things when he comes home ?

I have two boys 15 and 10. Both tell me all kinds of things and we have a great relationship. I stayed focused on their needs (something xBPDw can't do) and they trust me. That took several years after ex left. She had primary custody. It started with me having EOW and is now at 45/55. I listen and validate. I did it before but I had to get much better at it. They didn't trust either one of us 6 years ago because they didn't know what to do. They were confused,upset,angry,sad, etc... .

S12 talks to me a lot, more so than most kids his age, at least based on what my friends say about their kids. S12 seems to have really compartmentalized his dad. He will talk to me about stuff he does with his dad, but never talks about his dad, if that makes sense.

I'm just wondering if it would help S12 feel more integrated if he thought there was some normal to-and-fro in his life. Two parents sharing info about his life.

My hunch is that N/BPDx is idealizing S12 as the "all-good" kid. My concern is if I send too much stuff about S12's life, his dad will just use it to ratchet up the idealization. In N/BPDx's psych eval, the psychiatrist even mentioned that -- "N/BPDx is not able to say what his son is interested in, or who his friends are, other than the things they do when S12 visits his dad." Maybe it would be good for S12 if his dad knew more about what was going on his life?

[david]

"N/BPDx is not able to say what his son is interested in, or who his friends are, other than the things they do when S12 visits his dad."

I can tell you all my kids friends at their mom's because my kids tell me. We have conversations about all kinds of things. My ex knows very little of what goes on when they are with me. That is the boys choice not to tell her and also ex's choice not to ask.

I think it sad that is what is going on but I didn't cause it and I can't fix it. It is what it is.

My SS's avoid their mom too. They are in their late 20's. I know what is going on in their lives because they call me up to talk, we do things together, they call me for advice, etc...

Ex lives in her own world and I believe always will.

I used to try to communicate such things but that often times wound up affecting our two boys. Ex would interpret things very differently than was meant. I noticed she would always look at it as an attack on her parenting. I even had a T look at several emails before they were sent.         The T agreed my email was not attacking her. I would send it and the reply was negative and nasty.  Eventually I stopped because the boys would tell me something that happened and it coincided with my email. It was never something good.

[scraps66]

Congrats. 

Went through the same ordeal to get the deed to my house after it was all over.  She knew keeping that from me was preventing me from refinancing.  So, here we go jumping through more hoops of fire.

I would cautioulsy count your blessings, but feel you probably know that it will never be "over" free and clear. 

[livednlearned]

I used to try to communicate such things but that often times wound up affecting our two boys. Ex would interpret things very differently than was meant. I noticed she would always look at it as an attack on her parenting. I even had a T look at several emails before they were sent.         The T agreed my email was not attacking her. I would send it and the reply was negative and nasty.  Eventually I stopped because the boys would tell me something that happened and it coincided with my email. It was never something good.

Yeah, this will probably happen in my situation too.

Maybe there's a continuous loop effect here. During low to no contact, things quiet down. Then I let down my guard. Then it gets bad. Then I go low to no contact.

Like taking medicine. Once you feel better, you think you can stop taking the medicine. 

Thanks for reminding me.

[livednlearned]

I would cautioulsy count your blessings, but feel you probably know that it will never be "over" free and clear. 

Jumping through hoops of fire is exactly how it felt/feels. My ex is one of the few who has been ordered to pay my legal fees, not just past fees, but future too.

I'll never understand.

Decided to not send any information/photos about S12 to his dad. The risk that it will be used against me is just too great. Makes me feel sad for S12.

[david]

My ex left in 2007. She used serious alienation tactics against me with our boys. They were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. At first it appeared to be working and I was very concerned. With the help of a T and various friends I learned to not react and be the best parent I could be. It took our oldest to see what was going on about a year and a half. He started talking to me and saying things. He was thinking out loud and seeing what I thought. By then I was much better at listening and validating. Our youngest started doing the same kind of things about a year ago. Ex had more control of him since he was so young. 

I noticed that as the boys got older and started thinking for themselves more their mom pushed them away. I realized that is exactly what happened to our marriage. It's also what happened to my SS's and their mom.

I think ex's need to have things go according to her own mental image of how things should be is so strong that she is unable to deal with different opinions or ideas. It's all part of the disorder.                                                                             

[livednlearned]

My ex left in 2007. She used serious alienation tactics against me with our boys. They were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. At first it appeared to be working and I was very concerned. With the help of a T and various friends I learned to not react and be the best parent I could be. It took our oldest to see what was going on about a year and a half. He started talking to me and saying things. He was thinking out loud and seeing what I thought. By then I was much better at listening and validating. Our youngest started doing the same kind of things about a year ago. Ex had more control of him since he was so young. 

I noticed that as the boys got older and started thinking for themselves more their mom pushed them away. I realized that is exactly what happened to our marriage. It's also what happened to my SS's and their mom.

I think ex's need to have things go according to her own mental image of how things should be is so strong that she is unable to deal with different opinions or ideas. It's all part of the disorder.                                                                             

I think that may happen with S12 -- that he'll start to disagree with his dad. But N/BPDx is so smooth and manipulative. He was mean to S12 when we were all still together, but now he's the opposite. I saw him idealize his oldest son, but he also used very scathing sarcastic humor to inflict doubt, and I know it made it hard for older son to know where he stood, much less how to react.

Listening and validating have been my greatest tools with S12, thanks to learning about the importance of that from friends here. I'm not as good at helping him understand the tactics his dad uses, but S12 does have a counselor. Maybe that will help him.

[momtara]

Congrats on sole custody.  I wouldn't offer any info unless he asks for it... .or maybe ask your lawyer if you should be asking him if he wants more info?  Give him an inch and he may take a mile.

How were you able to get sole custody?  I guess the threatening emails helped?

[DreamGirl]

Decided to not send any information/photos about S12 to his dad. The risk that it will be used against me is just too great. Makes me feel sad for S12.

I think this is a situation where "if he asks, I will comply".

If he wants to know his grades or school, he can ask even if it's just an email that says "how's he doing in school?"

As much as it pains me to say it, I just don't think he's actually particularily interested.

Your son is also embarking on his teen years. Most information can be obtained thru him at this point anyways.

Does he play sports?

I might send Dad a schedule. Or if he's in a play - the date and time. If he responds, I wouldn't engage unless it's relevant.

This kind of stuff is hard because what you want to do (include Dad) isn't really what you're "supposed" to do to reduce the conflict (keep contact to a minimum).  

I also wouldn't give up hope. Stress is greatly reduced post-divorce proceedings.

[livednlearned]

Decided to not send any information/photos about S12 to his dad. The risk that it will be used against me is just too great. Makes me feel sad for S12.

I think this is a situation where "if he asks, I will comply".

S12 did not do well his last quarter of school. N/BPDx requested the report card directly from the principal, and just received the report card. I got this message:

You know, LnL, we could work together to make S12's life better, instead of your strategy of alienation and self-interested control.  When you are ready to get beyond yourself, I am willing to do anything to recover S12's ability.

Since you have taken control of S12, he has spiraled into mediocrity, and you have hidden that from the court and me.

Are you willing to be a decent human being for your son?

I don't know why, but I think N/BPDx might genuinely be interested in how S12 is doing in school. I am surprised he went to the trouble of actually getting S12's report card now that trial is over.

[DreamGirl]

S12 did not do well his last quarter of school. N/BPDx requested the report card directly from the principal, and just received the report card.

Why do you think he didn't do well in school?

Here's my attempt at pulling relevance from what he has to say:

You know, LnL, we could work together to make S12's life better, instead of your strategy of alienation and self-interested control.  When you are ready to get beyond yourself, I am willing to do anything to recover S12's ability.

Since you have taken control of S12, he has spiraled into mediocrity, and you have hidden that from the court and me.

Are you willing to be a decent human being for your son?

I don't know why, but I think N/BPDx might genuinely be interested in how S12 is doing in school. I am surprised he went to the trouble of actually getting S12's report card now that trial is over.

My father was NPD-traited. He went to every one of my parent/teacher conferences and fought to keep me in a TAG (Talented and Gifted) program when I was struggling to meet the minimum requirements. I feel like my intelligence level (I excelled in Math and English)was a testament to him... .an extension of his specialness... .and so he paid really close attention to it. I don't know how much it was about him "caring" about my wellbeing.

But that was him though - not your ex.

I just don't really get from that note that he is concerned so much about your son but more worried about his "mediocrity". It's also pretty normal for a kiddo going thru a divorce to slip in his grades. I hope he words this differently should he speak to your son about it.

Can he help you in this?

What solution could he be involved in to help your son?  

I might respond with:

Yes, I am concerned about his grades as well. My plan of action is to [insert solution - ie. get a tutor, more time spent on homework]. Anything you can do to help him while he is with you is welcome by me.


Although, I think I'd probably not respond.

[livednlearned]

My father was NPD-traited. He went to every one of my parent/teacher conferences and fought to keep me in a TAG (Talented and Gifted) program when I was struggling to meet the minimum requirements. I feel like my intelligence level (I excelled in Math and English)was a testament to him... .an extension of his specialness... .and so he paid really close attention to it. I don't know how much it was about him "caring" about my wellbeing.

But that was him though - not your ex.

Um, wow. Actually, that is EXACTLY the situation. S12 is labeled gifted. But I noticed in 4th grade that he was barely performing in some areas. Suspecting some kind of learning disability, I had him tested and he was diagnosed ADHD. I think he might actually be dyslexic, which I am (and it tends to run in families), but didn't test for that specifically. When I started the process to get a 504 plan in place (part of federal disability act) so that S12 could have accommodations, N/BPDx hit the roof. He thought I was trying to get S12 put on the "short yellow bus" (N/BPDx's words). The only meetings N/BPDx goes to are the Gifted meetings. He subscribes to a bunch of Gifted programming that I personally think is a scam, but does nothing to try and figure out how to support S12 in any real way. 

I just don't really get from that note that he is concerned so much about your son but more worried about his "mediocrity". It's also pretty normal for a kiddo going thru a divorce to slip in his grades. I hope he words this differently should he speak to your son about it.

I know exactly why his grades slipped. The school suggested scrapping his 504 plan. I decided to back away from all the stuff I was doing to help S12, figuring that he really needed to implement organizational skills himself. And it's 6th grade, when it's actually fairly safe to have bad grades. No more rescuing! So his grades plummeted because he is super disorganized, forgot to turn in his homework, couldn't find stuff, lost assignments, etc.

Can he help you in this?

He blows a lot of hot air and then does nothing, in my experience. He only sees S12 for 16 hours a month, so anything he suggests will mainly be something I have to implement.

What solution could he be involved in to help your son?  

Hahaha! I don't even know where to start   

I might respond with:

Yes, I am concerned about his grades as well. My plan of action is to [insert solution - ie. get a tutor, more time spent on homework]. Anything you can do to help him while he is with you is welcome by me.


Although, I think I'd probably not respond.

I'm leaning that way myself. It has been such a grueling battle to get basic services and support for S12, who is a super bright kid, and he doesn't really need more academics right now. He needs social/emotional/psychological support, and people who think the way he thinks and learns is ok. I worry that N/BPDx will end up making S12 feel like a fraud -- pushing him to be special, instead of accepting him for who he is.

[Waddams]

well, you have sole legal custody.  you don't have to respond at all. 

the transition to 6th grade is pretty stark.  my SO's 6th grader is having issues as well adjusting.  lots more homework, and she's very disorganized.  she is reacting by lots of claims of being sick.  but her grades are doing good, and rising.  she's slowly adjusting.

i think the trick is to teach them how to organize themselves and be self sufficient.  the more they do on their own successfully, the more they become confident and willing to do more on their own.  i've found it rather amazing how a little bit of good old fashioned high achievement at some task can go so far in helping kids cope with bad situations.

[crystal]

Hate to be negative, but I dont think you are free and clear until your son is of legal age.  Be careful!  Send what you are obligated to send and nothing more. I thought Dads email response to report card was a HUGE red flag. It was NOT about his concern for son but bashing you! And if dad gets bored or lonely or angry he may decide to try to get full custody, or something else... .not saying he will succeed but it can make your life miserable.

Do what you must do to communicate with him and nohting more. Your son is an age where it is for him and dad to create a relationship. As much as you might wish for it, you cannot and getting involved is not going to help. Validate your son. Listen to him, help him problem solve when he wants that. Create a good, safe home. Help him figure out how to do better in school (my son has adhd an struggled all through junior high) but do NOT engage dad.

my two cents.

Crystal

[livednlearned]

Hate to be negative, but I dont think you are free and clear until your son is of legal age.  Be careful!  Send what you are obligated to send and nothing more. I thought Dads email response to report card was a HUGE red flag. It was NOT about his concern for son but bashing you! And if dad gets bored or lonely or angry he may decide to try to get full custody, or something else... .not saying he will succeed but it can make your life miserable.

Do what you must do to communicate with him and nohting more. Your son is an age where it is for him and dad to create a relationship. As much as you might wish for it, you cannot and getting involved is not going to help. Validate your son. Listen to him, help him problem solve when he wants that. Create a good, safe home. Help him figure out how to do better in school (my son has adhd an struggled all through junior high) but do NOT engage dad.

my two cents.

Crystal

Thanks Crystal -- I needed to hear that. You're right. I haven't responded to him, and don't plan to. Not sure why it triggered me like it did -- probably because things have been quiet and it's easy to forget. I don't think it will end when my son is of legal age either, but by then hopefully I'll be living in another state far far away from him and my son will have some good coping skills to deal with his dad.

I think you're right that he'll try something else, even if it's ridiculous, although the judge told him he had to pay my legal fees going forward if he continued to be litigious. So far, tho, I haven't seen the money he owes me for trial, and he's still holding out on my car title, etc.

[livednlearned]

well, you have sole legal custody.  you don't have to respond at all. 

Hallelujah.

[DreamGirl]

 

I think he's just overreacting at this point. You won't really be able to do anything right in his eyes... .not that you ever could.

These middle school years are a real pain when it comes to what you're trying to teach your son about natural consequences.

It's not a phenomenon.  Both my boys struggled with organization, procrastination and attention. My oldest boy once explaining that there was a Gremlin living in his locker that was eating all his completed homework. Every P/T conference I went to had every teacher announcing how many boys at that age struggle in those facets.

I blame the public school systems focus on test scores for those C's and D's in those years... .not my bad parenting .  

My oldest son is a senior this year. Taking Honor's Physics (for college credit) along with AP Math and English. He has a 3.4 cumulative GPA - only because he didn't quite get the ball rolling after middle school and bombed his Freshman year. His Junior Year was a 4.1.

He figured it out.

They usually do.  

[livednlearned]

I think he's just overreacting at this point. You won't really be able to do anything right in his eyes... .not that you ever could.

These middle school years are a real pain when it comes to what you're trying to teach your son about natural consequences.

It's not a phenomenon.  Both my boys struggled with organization, procrastination and attention. My oldest boy once explaining that there was a Gremlin living in his locker that was eating all his completed homework. Every P/T conference I went to had every teacher announcing how many boys at that age struggle in those facets.

I blame the public school systems focus on test scores for those C's and D's in those years... .not my bad parenting .  

My oldest son is a senior this year. Taking Honor's Physics (for college credit) along with AP Math and English. He has a 3.4 cumulative GPA - only because he didn't quite get the ball rolling after middle school and bombed his Freshman year. His Junior Year was a 4.1.

He figured it out.

They usually do.  

I need to hear that! I feel so alone, trying to parent a boy by myself. We're doing pretty well all things considered, but wow is this hard. One of S12's teachers called him an undercover genius at open house this week, and I teared up and got all emotional. It means so much when other people can see your kid. S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser. Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times. I hope he can turn things around like your son DG.

[DreamGirl]

I need to hear that! I feel so alone, trying to parent a boy by myself. We're doing pretty well all things considered, but wow is this hard. One of S12's teachers called him an undercover genius at open house this week, and I teared up and got all emotional. It means so much when other people can see your kid. S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser. Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times. I hope he can turn things around like your son DG.

You're not alone. I can't tell you how many Mamas I have had this same conversation with... .        

It's taking the risks (ADHD, Divorce, disordered parent) and turning it into resilience. From the Fact Sheet:  From Risk to Resiliency

Protective factors for children include:

• A sense of being loved by their parent

• Positive self-esteem

• Good coping skills

• Positive peer relationships

• Interest in and success at school

• Healthy engagement with adults outside the home

• An ability to articulate their feelings

• Parents who are functioning well at home, at work, and in their social relationships

• Parental employment

• A parent's warm and supportive relationship with his or her children

• Help and support from immediate and extended family members

You're doing all the right things to help strengthen his coping skills. He's in counseling. You're listening to him. That is all good stuff. Hindsight is also 20/20 for me too here. I remember the stress, the fear, the emotional anguish that I felt when he was struggling so much. I actually ended up getting a parenting coach to help me.

S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser.

Does he have any interests outside of school that could help him? My sons have always been required to partake in an extra-curricular activity - whether it be chess club, drama club, band or a sport.

My son tried baseball, soccer, football, boyscouts, guitar... .you name it. He is pretty clumsy too, but man... .he can run like the wind blows. Great guitar player too.  

Running has changed his life. Plus runners are just happy people. Cross Country teams are the most balanced, accepting group of kids I've ever seen in my life. Statistically, they also do better academically. (Football was not like that at all   )

Any chance on any of that where you're at? I think all kids could use productive outlets to the stress of real life and all it's struggles. All the kiddos volunteer at a dog rescue too. It feels good to do good.

[david]

WE have two boys, 15 and 10. S15 was an A student until middle school. I didn'y have enough time to help him and xBPDw doesn't know what to do. I have gotten more time and working on 50/50. So far this year ( 9th grade) he is doinf very well. It's only two weeks but he seems to be more focused.

Ex insisted S10 had a learning disabilty when he was in kindergarten. Had him tesyed with inconclusive results. He was too young for definitive results. Ex pushed hard to get an IEP. First grade teacher didn't see it. Second grade teacher didn't see it. I had the school retest him in second grade. He did extremely well and the school put him in their accelerated program. Ex raised some stink but by then the school was listening to me. Just last week S10 asked me why his mom thinks he is dumb. Caught me offguard and I didn't have much to say except "I don't know". Plan on talking with him this weekend since he will be with me.

[crystal]

We divorced 5+ years ago and I was in EXACTLY the same position with my son except we had shared custody!  you wrote:

Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times.

That was us. Plus he was overweight, had low self-esteem and was emotionally getting beaten down by his dad. 

Fast forward 5  years (it was a very very tough first couple of years!). He is now a senior in High school. First semester of HS he had all Cs. He now has all As, with two honors classes. First semester of HS he could not make it out the door with all his work done and in his back pack.  He has not had a late assignment since first semester in Junior year. Adn I rarely check his planner! He is on the swim team, he is normal weight. He has a diverse group of nice friends, is looking forward to college. He is a responsible volunteer. He Is never late. He Is smart, funny, kind and very resilient.  Dad dropped out of his life about three years ago and while that is sad it has made life much easier for all of us. You are lucky to have sole custody! Build a stable loving home, set fair and consistent expectations, communicate with respect, have fun, love your son for who he is and it will all turn out well.  Control what you can, and leave Dad to manage his own life and his relationship with his kid.

Best to you!

Crystal

[livednlearned]

I need to hear that! I feel so alone, trying to parent a boy by myself. We're doing pretty well all things considered, but wow is this hard. One of S12's teachers called him an undercover genius at open house this week, and I teared up and got all emotional. It means so much when other people can see your kid. S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser. Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times. I hope he can turn things around like your son DG.

You're not alone. I can't tell you how many Mamas I have had this same conversation with... .        

It's taking the risks (ADHD, Divorce, disordered parent) and turning it into resilience. From the Fact Sheet:  From Risk to Resiliency

Protective factors for children include:

• A sense of being loved by their parent

• Positive self-esteem

• Good coping skills

• Positive peer relationships

• Interest in and success at school

• Healthy engagement with adults outside the home

• An ability to articulate their feelings

• Parents who are functioning well at home, at work, and in their social relationships

• Parental employment

• A parent's warm and supportive relationship with his or her children

• Help and support from immediate and extended family members

You're doing all the right things to help strengthen his coping skills. He's in counseling. You're listening to him. That is all good stuff. Hindsight is also 20/20 for me too here. I remember the stress, the fear, the emotional anguish that I felt when he was struggling so much. I actually ended up getting a parenting coach to help me.

S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser.

Does he have any interests outside of school that could help him? My sons have always been required to partake in an extra-curricular activity - whether it be chess club, drama club, band or a sport.

My son tried baseball, soccer, football, boyscouts, guitar... .you name it. He is pretty clumsy too, but man... .he can run like the wind blows. Great guitar player too.  

Running has changed his life. Plus runners are just happy people. Cross Country teams are the most balanced, accepting group of kids I've ever seen in my life. Statistically, they also do better academically. (Football was not like that at all   )

Any chance on any of that where you're at? I think all kids could use productive outlets to the stress of real life and all it's struggles. All the kiddos volunteer at a dog rescue too. It feels good to do good.

So much good stuff here!

I have the same rule: S12 has to do something extracurricular. He's doing a Minecraft camp one day a week with 5 of his best buddies -- he's known them since he was 4, but usually only sees them during the summer. A bunch of ADHD kids geeking out on computer stuff 

That's been awesome for him. I want him to play tennis, which so far is the only sport he has expressed interest in. But we missed the sign-up period for playing at school. It's funny what you say about cross-country -- I'm dating a guy who ran cross-country starting in middle school, all through high school, and he's very disciplined, very positive, stable. But S12 hates running. Like, a lot. He doesn't like any sports so far, although he likes swimming recreationally.

[livednlearned]

We divorced 5+ years ago and I was in EXACTLY the same position with my son except we had shared custody!  you wrote:

Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times.

That was us. Plus he was overweight, had low self-esteem and was emotionally getting beaten down by his dad. 

Fast forward 5  years (it was a very very tough first couple of years!). He is now a senior in High school. First semester of HS he had all Cs. He now has all As, with two honors classes. First semester of HS he could not make it out the door with all his work done and in his back pack.  He has not had a late assignment since first semester in Junior year. Adn I rarely check his planner! He is on the swim team, he is normal weight. He has a diverse group of nice friends, is looking forward to college. He is a responsible volunteer. He Is never late. He Is smart, funny, kind and very resilient.  Dad dropped out of his life about three years ago and while that is sad it has made life much easier for all of us. You are lucky to have sole custody! Build a stable loving home, set fair and consistent expectations, communicate with respect, have fun, love your son for who he is and it will all turn out well.  Control what you can, and leave Dad to manage his own life and his relationship with his kid.

Best to you!

Crystal

This really means so much to me, all these positive stories. I'm glad your son is doing well! Especially that he is resilient. I keep thinking that S12 has been through some hard stuff, and is bouncing back -- that he's resilient in a way he doesn't even understand yet. That gives me hope.

[livednlearned]

WE have two boys, 15 and 10. S15 was an A student until middle school. I didn'y have enough time to help him and xBPDw doesn't know what to do. I have gotten more time and working on 50/50. So far this year ( 9th grade) he is doinf very well. It's only two weeks but he seems to be more focused.

Ex insisted S10 had a learning disabilty when he was in kindergarten. Had him tesyed with inconclusive results. He was too young for definitive results. Ex pushed hard to get an IEP. First grade teacher didn't see it. Second grade teacher didn't see it. I had the school retest him in second grade. He did extremely well and the school put him in their accelerated program. Ex raised some stink but by then the school was listening to me. Just last week S10 asked me why his mom thinks he is dumb. Caught me offguard and I didn't have much to say except "I don't know". Plan on talking with him this weekend since he will be with me.

That's different! Does your S10 think he's dumb? Maybe your ex isn't as narcissistic as some pwBPD can be. My ex used to do to me what he does to S12 -- exaggerated my achievements, talents, etc. It can feel pretty damaging to hear that kind of hyperbole, and knowing you are average at something. For me, it made me wonder why it wasn't ok to be ordinary, to be myself. And also really disturbing when he would flat-out lie (beyond exaggeration) to people about me. I have to imagine it is equally disorienting and confusing to S12.

[david]

":)oes your S10 think he's dumb ?"  That is something I didn't think about at the time but do plan on talking to him about.                                                                                                         I did however point out that all the tests he took showed that he was average in some areas, above average in others, and scored in the top 1% in the nation for children his age in math, logic, and chemistry. We talked about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses and he was listening.

My ex's emotions have been all over the place lately as her emails to me indicate. I think things are getting stressful for her. Her oldest from her first marriage has substance abuse issues and is having problems with his wife. Long story and the easiest way to put it is I see many similar traits between him and his mom.

[livednlearned]

I guess what I'm realizing is that no matter what the custody situation is, the boundaries are the same. I remember in the marriage thinking that n/BPDx turned everything into a one-way street with no exits. After he split me black, it was a point of no return. It's so hard to get my head around that. I don't think I'll ever understand this illness. 

[CdnSunrise]

I need to hear that! I feel so alone, trying to parent a boy by myself. We're doing pretty well all things considered, but wow is this hard. One of S12's teachers called him an undercover genius at open house this week, and I teared up and got all emotional. It means so much when other people can see your kid. S12 is a really quirky, smart, creative kid that is clumsy, shy, and disorganized, and he thinks he's a loser. Middle school + divorce + ADHD + BPD dad = hard times. I hope he can turn things around like your son DG. [/quote]
Wow, your son sounds like a carbon copy of my s10! Thankfully he is still in grade 5, and middle school here doesn't start until grade 7. Two more years to deal with the divorce + ADHD + BPD dad, who has always been abusive towards him, alternating with moments of exaggerated pride (s10 is also highly gifted). My other 2 kids (especially d11) are the ones on their dad's pedestal and can do no wrong. s10 is the most like his dad in some ways, so I think it's the "looking in the mirror" effect that triggers my exBPDh.

I agree that parenting sons is a hugely daunting task when they need to protect themselves from their dad rather than being parented by a real, grown up man.

[ogopogodude]

This is what I like about these forums: here are two very experienced persons in the field of BPD  (livednlearned, a board advisor, and DreamGirl, who is a moderator both with a bzillion posts each) and here they are helping each other out, etc and still needing guidance to know how to deal with the next step in this whole process of dealing with a BPD relative (much like a chess game).