Lunch Money

[whirlpoollife]

stbxh has kids, s15 and d13, three weekends a month which include Fridays and Mondays. I told him nicely to give the kids some money for their lunches if he doesn't pack them one. He has not put any money in their account. Not a major problem but any advice on how to handle h on this?

[ForeverDad]

I've faced this issue since first grade.  Ex got alimony or child support but she refused to pack lunches or send lunch money.  She ignored it and if I raised the subject she said she didn't have any money.  Telling her to use some of the money I sent her every month was countered with "then let me be residential parent and I can get free lunches".  I felt son was so young that he shouldn't face eating a PB&J sandwich provided as an alternate by the school.  Besides, I was residential parent so if the school called anyone, it could have been me as the responsible parent even if not my parenting days.  So I paid and sent reimbursement requests.  Nothing back.  Nada.  Zip.

However, problems got so extreme this year, she's not looking very good, he's older, starting middle school, that I haven't done that.  So far as I know he ate PB&J one day.  Apparently she got the message without too much fallout on him, possibly because she knows the court hearing is looming next month.

[whirlpoollife]

I emailed x2bh. He said he is not responsible for the kids school lunch/breakfast on his days. Told me to get a court order.

Because this will add up over the years I called L. L said of course he has to pay for their lunch or pack them one on  his days! And what about days they are with him and not in school? So... .My L sending a letter to h's L to tell him he has to provide food to the kids on his days. 

My fault but xtbh has sucked my savings dry over and over, swindled it from my parents over and over. Enough. I'd rather give it to my L than to him.

[livednlearned]

I emailed x2bh. He said he is not responsible for the kids school lunch/breakfast on his days. Told me to get a court order.

Because this will add up over the years I called L. L said of course he has to pay for their lunch or pack them one on  his days! And what about days they are with him and not in school? So... .My L sending a letter to h's L to tell him he has to provide food to the kids on his days. 

My fault but xtbh has sucked my savings dry over and over, swindled it from my parents over and over. Enough. I'd rather give it to my L than to him.

If nothing else, this exposes a major BPD flaw to the court -- not being able to do the right thing for the kids. You send the kids to school, you make their lunches.

Only someone with BPD would make that an issue.

Makes me want to 

[Waddams]

The school knew I had online access to S9's lunch account, and they'd picked up on this issue happening for us as well.  I actually managed to get the lunch register lady to call me and let me know if he was out on his mom's days and I'd just put a bit more cash in.  I just decided to put money in the account and feed him properly rather than fight with his mom about it.  Getting her to pay the little bit of extra money wasn't worth the headache of fighting with her to me. 

I just documented and can pull it out as part of bigger issues if the need ever arises.  Shows I can just take care of S9 w/out turning every little thing into a big fight, while it shows another example of his mom being petty.

[whirlpoollife]

Waddams,  I like your input and it does sound petty I know. But I have dealt with this type of monetary dealings on small and large scales for 27 yrs.    Two teenagers over the school years eating cafeteria food (on his days) can add up to $3k. Just what h wants, his savings, my loss.   I have always paid for 99% of stuff and activities for the kids for the sake of the kids.  He'd laugh that I pay for everything (trips, houses, vehicles , braces etc) then take the credit.   I did gave up on the who buys clothes for the kids when he wasn't paying any support.  I bought two of items (on sale and thrift stores) so they wouldn't  have to pack a pile of clothes or take and leave clothes at his place. 

Also, P/A was very strong in the beginning  better now but I have to fight everyday to keep the kids from hating me for being the mean one to daddy. I feel the kids have to begin to see who does what. 

Its more of setting boundaries with this individual.

[Free One]

Its more of setting boundaries with this individual.

The boundary I see here is "I will not provide lunches for the days kids are with ex."

How that works? It's hard to say with so many variables. Do kids have lunch account with money on it? If so, can you only send cash each day they are with you and not leave a balance on the account? If they show up to school and have no lunch or money, will they be provided with something (schools in our area have a "share" table where kids put unopened, unwanted food and it's open to all)?

What I see is that you have been taking responsibility for ex's actions. You are letting him off the hook and stepping in to cover for him. Tell kids, it's dad's job to provide food lunch for you on his days. Then, if he doesn't, it's on him. They are teenagers and capable of seeing who is dropping the ball. It will be hard, but it can work, and will help with the PA because kids will see the truth.