Can a recycle ever work this go around?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it happened. My BPD ex who I dated for four years and whom broke up with me, after three months of NC has called me out of the blue. Currently he is living out of town for college and was in town to testify in court against the man who sexually abused him as a teen.  Upon meeting up with my ex, he said how bad he missed me and confessed how horrible and sorry he was for all the things he did while we were together and said how I was the only person he ever wanted. I have grown a lot from the devastation and learned all about BPD and my own co-dependency issues for the months we were in the NC stage. I still love him so much. However, I have grown into a stronger person over the months we were apart, and am no longer a doormat. During our recent meeting/conversation  I pulled no punches and called him out on everything he did wrong that I should have had the balls to call him out on when we were together. He just cried, and apologized all the more.

Long story short, I told him if he still feels this strongly about me when he finishes school in March... .then I will reassess where we go from there. Yet, I told him straight up to not wait for me, and I couldn't promise I would wait for him. I told him I thought he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and needed to work on himself. I knew if I were going to EVER rebuild something with him, it couldn't be done long distance. I need to know I'm not just yet another fleeting feeling. My question is, does a recycle ever work? I want it to so bad. I was even thinking of telling him as a stipulation of us getting back together, that he would need to see someone to work on his issues. I am inclined to believe if I have worked on my codependency issues including now demanding respect from people, and he is committed to change in himself (legitimately or not I will only be able to tell in time) that something could be rebuilt. Am I being totally naive out of hope, or is this something that could ever actually work?

Thanks so much in advance for any advice. I'm at such a crossroads.

[paintingitblack]

So it happened. My BPD ex who I dated for four years and whom broke up with me, after three months of NC has called me out of the blue. Currently he is living out of town for college and was in town to testify in court against the man who sexually abused him as a teen.  Upon meeting up with my ex, he said how bad he missed me and confessed how horrible and sorry he was for all the things he did while we were together and said how I was the only person he ever wanted. I have grown a lot from the devastation and learned all about BPD and my own co-dependency issues for the months we were in the NC stage. I still love him so much. However, I have grown into a stronger person over the months we were apart, and am no longer a doormat. During our recent meeting/conversation  I pulled no punches and called him out on everything he did wrong that I should have had the balls to call him out on when we were together. He just cried, and apologized all the more.

Long story short, I told him if he still feels this strongly about me when he finishes school in March... .then I will reassess where we go from there. Yet, I told him straight up to not wait for me, and I couldn't promise I would wait for him. I told him I thought he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and needed to work on himself. I knew if I were going to EVER rebuild something with him, it couldn't be done long distance. I need to know I'm not just yet another fleeting feeling. My question is, does a recycle ever work? I want it to so bad. I was even thinking of telling him as a stipulation of us getting back together, that he would need to see someone to work on his issues. I am inclined to believe if I have worked on my codependency issues including now demanding respect from people, and he is committed to change in himself (legitimately or not I will only be able to tell in time) that something could be rebuilt. Am I being totally naive out of hope, or is this something that could ever actually work?

Thanks so much in advance for any advice. I'm at such a crossroads.

[patientandclear]

I think a stance like that one is admirable and healthy.  I also think it will be very very hard for someone wBPD to deal with.

I made a deal like that with my uBPDexbf when we decided not to re-start our romantic r/s because he was in T and his T said he shouldn't and that he needed to work on being alone. OK, cool.  I was supportive & agreed to stay in touch meanwhile.  I was so hopeful ... .

Within weeks, maybe days, maybe hours, he had reached out to his exgf and was having special times with her, too.  Within months, maybe weeks, he was telling her that he never stopped pining for her & that's why he couldn't make it work with any other women (that was me).  And that he'd consider marriage, and kids, and adopting her faith ... .

He eventually persuaded her to give it a try.  Then he dropped her on her head again in just a few weeks.

Point is: working on being alone was a very, very scary, hard assignment for him.  I'd made myself unavailable to be with him as he was.  So -- he went elsewhere.

Also, when you think about it, working on being alone somewhat assumes that you don't have a love affair parachute all packed & ready to open, right?  So I'd say you should be prepared that he may seek out someone else; and if he doesn't, you are right to say neither of you are waiting for one another.  If you click together after March, and you feel then that he's in a place where you want to resume the r/s, then, you can.

[Validation78]

Hi PIB!

It's great that you have done some work on yourself. I'm sure it will serve you well in every relationship in your life!

As for your BF, if he is indeed a pwBPD, he will always behave as you have already experienced unless he gets therapy like DBT or schema which have been proven to be very effective with BPD. It's a lot of work, takes a long time, and requires a commitment from the patient that many pwBPD are unable to make. An ultimatum to get help sounds like a good idea, although will unlikely work. Overcoming a PD is so tough, it cannot be done without a wholehearted commitment!

You will need to be honest with yourself about a few things. Can you accept a relationship that will not be healthy and whole, where you will have to take the role as the emotional leader, where you will not have empathy? I admire your position at the moment to have boundaries as to time. I know this is difficult, because you want to believe it can work, and maybe it can. You just have to be clear, and honest with yourself about what your life will be like!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[paintingitblack]

I have read several times that BPDs don't really feel remorse. They may cry and stuff out of shame and guilt, but they not feel true remorse. So I am confused by the very detailed apology for the things he did... .an apology that I in no way coerced out him. Having said that, I guess I have to question if the apology was genuine even with the tears and strong words. Is it true they don't typically feel remorse?

I believe his past sexual abuse from a trusted authority figure is a key cornerstone for a lot of his emotional issues til this day. This was a skeleton in my BPDex's closet that nobody besides himself even knew about until just over a year ago. I am hoping/feeling now that justice has been served to his abuser, and because the entire thing is no longer a closely guarded secret he can begin to heal. This whole experience of being there for the trial I believe has ripped open his wounds anew over the abuse, so the time to really get a hold over his issues would be now.

When talking to exBPD the other day, I did not bring up BPD specifically. However, I did day I felt as if he was extremely emotionally immature and that he had a BIG problem differentiating infatuation over love. So I guess you could say I addressed a lot of the symptoms of the PD, without naming it specifically. His words have really proved to mean NOTHING in the past (even if he meant them at the time they were spoken) so I will need to see some actual actions before engaging in a relationship with him again.

[blurry]

If their apologies weren't seemingly sincere and genuine, I doubt many of us would of gotten recycled as many times as we have. I guess its possible but I'm sort of in the same boat as you, as far as giving my wife an ultimatum about therapy. My main concern is that I'm nearly positive that even if she went into it wholeheartedly, its just a matter of time till she would bail on therapy and the relationship. And the eggshells are starting to cut into my feet at this point, I'm tired of walking on them or living with that feeling of dread always hanging over me.

Plus at this point, why would she work so hard to repair what's been done to our relationship, when, even if she wakes up tomorrow cured, she could just start new with someone else and not have to worry about all the pain from our past?

[paintingitblack]

Plus at this point, why would she work so hard to repair what's been done to our relationship, when, even if she wakes up tomorrow cured, she could just start new with someone else and not have to worry about all the pain from our past?

Maybe it's naive of me, but I would say because she may actually truly love you.