Why are B-days and Holidays so hard for them?

[nevaeh]

Someone made a comment on another thread about birthdays and holidays being hard for pwBPD.  My uBPDh is no different. 

I'm curious, why is that the case? 

For me, I would also add family vacations to the list, or even family outings in general.

Why do pwBPD have such issues with these things?  I have noticed that my H tends to "look forward to" or be excited for Christmas to come.  Then when it gets here he gets really dysregulated and makes life miserable for everyone, taking the last ounce of fun out of it.

Why? 

[Clearmind]

Birthdays are a milestone event where we all reflect on our years achievements. Given BPD is a shame based disorder this reflecting is somewhat troublesome for them. My ex would be very dysregulated about a month before a month after his birthday.

The thought that would go through his mind would be "A year older and I have done nothing special" ----> dysregulated

[patientandclear]

When my uBPDexbf and I were together, he was so excited about Christmas.  There was this sense that finally, it was going to be the way it is supposed to be.  I suppose -- with someone who loved him (me).  (He broke up with me before we got a chance to do that.)

He told me this story about how his family did a gift exchange for Christmas one year, and his (emotionally withholding/abusive) dad drew his name.  He was so excited to get something that his dad had selected just for him.  When Christmas came, though, he opened the gift and it was clearly something selected by his mom.  He asked her about it & she admitted yes, she'd taken care of it for his dad, who just wasn't motivated enough to manage to pick something out for his youngest son.

Heartbreaking.

I think he's been trying to redeem that experience ever since.  And it keeps not being right.  Because he keeps destroying his relationships with people who love him.  But he seemingly doesn't see that.

[Manna]

I can only speak from my own experience with my soon to be divorced husband. I think he also has ADHD which I read somewhere about 25% of borderlines have. Holidays generally mean Days home from work and no structure or a change to the daily rutines. Might have something to do with it?

[nevaeh]

I can only speak from my own experience with my soon to be divorced husband. I think he also has ADHD which I read somewhere about 25% of borderlines have. Holidays generally mean Days home from work and no structure or a change to the daily rutines. Might have something to do with it?

Well that would certainly make sense in my case.  H always looks forward to staying home from work but then complains about being bored the whole time, as well as getting irritated with the kids not picking up after themselves, sibling fighting, etc.

It's just so frustrating that they can take something that is supposed to be fun and turn it into something stressful!

[expos]

I think they build things up like holidays, vacations, and birthdays to be such extravagant amazing things that when they fall short or if they are not perfect, they are devastated.   

BPD's don't like living in the moment at all, so that's why these events are failures for them over and over again.  The problem is, they are so miserable inside.  Happiness comes from within, and until a person with BPD realizes this and doesn't rely on outside factors to influence their behavior, only then will they find the wonderful "holiday spirit" that healthy people share every December.



 

[momtara]

Well, my STBx with BPD would look forward to holidays too and then get stressed.  I think anything that's not fully about them will get them stressed.  He liked his own birthday.  Mine, not so much.

Vacations were fine, though, as long as everything was taken care of.  Really, they need to be babied.

[SunflowerFields]

Intimacy.

[Scout99]

Anything that breaks structure and or routine can be triggering. And anything that is both breaking structure and also can come with a lot of expectations of being good or perfect makes it even worse... .So holidays, vacation, important days like birthdays are all examples of things triggering for most pw BPD... .

It is common to even prevent or sabotage potentially fun or big things from happening by fleeing it or just simply prevent it from happening when the fears begin to surface... .

It usually feels very confusing for partners and loved ones though, since it is hard to grasp the dysregulated and warped thinking that usually surrounds these situations... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[findingmyselfagain]

I'd echo everyone else. Intimacy and lots of triggers. I was accused of "ulterior motives" on her birthday for just getting a birthday cake and a gift. What the heck else do you do on birthdays? She had a major dysregulation on my birthday when I had a long day at work and asked her to wait a few minutes before we went for a roll in the hay. I'm guessing she imagined some amazing birthday romance and she was disappointed/hurt/rejected. Though when she was tired or unwilling it was totally ok. I'm glad to be out of the FOG now. Hoping that she heals someday.

[momtara]

Another thought:  During my b-day, he had to be consistently nice to me. 

That's a lot of pressure, don't you think? 

[O.Hi]

Probably pretty similar to the way they deal with other people:

• Idealize the upcoming event



• Paint it black when the experience fails to meet impossible expectations

[Learning_curve74]

I think everybody hit the right notes on this one... .

Black and white need for perfection, having high expectations, and of course they also expect something to go wrong, a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Need for control and routine, but special occassions like holidays and birthdays mess this up. 

Need and fear of intimacy, and birthdays and holidays are the times we tend to get the most joy spending them with the people closest to us. Therefore one of the best/worst times for a pwBPD. 

Please forgive my negative smileys today. 

[adizziedoll]

I didn't realize this was a BP thing, but it definitely holds true for my Borderline.  He says that "something always goes wrong on his birthday" and he just hates the holidays. 

BPD's don't like living in the moment at all

This also explains a LOT for me; I am such a minute to minute kind of girl, a free spirit if you will.  I can NOT plan worth a damn.  He always said he loved that about me in the beginning but always had a problem with it at the same time.

[Evalon]

In my undiagnosed husband's case, I think it has a lot to do with memories/hurt from his childhood when his mother (who emotionally neglected her kids) would fail to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.  While his cousins had a Christmas tree surrounded by shiny new presents, homemade dinners and celebration, my husband would get a pack of socks for Christmas.  His birthday "cake" was at times a piece of toast with a candle because his mother couldn't be bothered to get/make a cake.  He has mostly made up stories about how presents are unimportant and his mother is the most loving person in the world (the opposite of the truth) and she couldn't afford gifts, so he didn't need gifts, etc.  Meanwhile, I prepare more for my husband's birthday than I do for my kids' because of fear of him finding something to blame me for.  I get up before the sun on his birthday to make him breakfast, decorate, make sure he has cake, food, and a real celebration - but he always finds something I do that is "extremely hurtful."  Anyway, this is my long-winded answer saying that in our case it has to do with projecting feelings of past hurt onto me.

[Evalon]

In my undiagnosed husband's case, I think it has a lot to do with memories/hurt from his childhood when his mother (who emotionally neglected her kids) would fail to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and special occasions.  While his cousins had a Christmas tree surrounded by shiny new presents, homemade dinners and celebration, my husband would get a pack of socks for Christmas.  His birthday "cake" was at times a piece of toast with a candle because his mother couldn't be bothered to get/make a cake.  He has mostly made up stories about how presents are unimportant and his mother is the most loving person in the world (the opposite of the truth) and she couldn't afford gifts, so he didn't need gifts, etc.  Meanwhile, I prepare more for my husband's birthday than I do for my kids' because of fear of him finding something to blame me for.  I get up before the sun on his birthday to make him breakfast, decorate, make sure he has cake, food, and a real celebration - but he always finds something I do that is "extremely hurtful."  Anyway, this is my long-winded answer saying that in our case it has to do with projecting feelings of past hurt onto me.