How long before the next big explosion happens?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am currious if there are certain things that affect outbursts more than otheres or s there a time period that BPD can go?

Lately its been 1 or 2 times per week. Be for that it was ever 1 to 2 weeks and before that maybe 3 to 4 weeks. There are always cycles it seems. Maybe eve different triggerst too?

Its been going on so long now that you would think I would be able to predict the next earthquake and aftershock but alas I can not. 

Right now things are going ok. I am bitting my tongue at certainthings to keep it going that way. Which meens I am falling all over myslef to keep her in a good mood at my expence sometimes. This I can predict will last for a few days. If I can vent or break the cycle I will certainly cause the explosion by telling her no to something. And usually by then I am in a nearly resentful mood.

[Cipher13]

I am currious if there are certain things that affect outbursts more than otheres or s there a time period that BPD can go?

Lately its been 1 or 2 times per week. Be for that it was ever 1 to 2 weeks and before that maybe 3 to 4 weeks. There are always cycles it seems. Maybe eve different triggerst too?

Its been going on so long now that you would think I would be able to predict the next earthquake and aftershock but alas I can not. 

Right now things are going ok. I am bitting my tongue at certainthings to keep it going that way. Which meens I am falling all over myslef to keep her in a good mood at my expence sometimes. This I can predict will last for a few days. If I can vent or break the cycle I will certainly cause the explosion by telling her no to something. And usually by then I am in a nearly resentful mood.

[starkwell]

I haven't done it yet, but I'm convinced my wife has something like a 12-week cycle. Of course there are anomolies caused by external events, but I'm sure if I charted it for a year or two, I could track it like approaching weather patterns.

[Cipher13]

Well last night makes me wonder if I am the one that triggeres them. I think I have found however any change in the normal pattern is a trigger for her. Should she have these 1 or 2 times per week? Anyway I made a slight adjustment to the daily routine and it through everything afterwadrs into a tailspin.

What cuased this... .Normally after she gets home its either exercise then shower or shower if she exercised in the am. I am to wait until she is done with the shower... .This time she was running on the treadmill so I said I would shower first then start dinner and it woul be ready by the time she was done with everything. That way we are not eating so late then going right to bed.

Becasue I didn't "hang out" with here in the bathroom like normal I was ignoring her. Keep in mind I am making dinner not watching tv. She has been insting that I am not attracted to here and we havn't had sex in weeks. As I was explaining things the light when off in my head that said you won't change her mind.

Then also I think she has finally called me out. I have been less and less connected and engaged in our relationship. I am ready to leave and she knows it and said as much. And of course I am denying it until th cows come home for some reason.

[GreenMango]

This could a variety of things... cycling moods, irritability/hostility, hormones, diet, and an extinction burst.

You mentioned changing the routine a bit.  More detachment and little less attention.  Weaning her off ... .She's noticed.  The natural response for most animals is to ramp up the behaviors that normally worked to get they wanted or needed.  It keeps ramping up.  If you capitulate now this is the new learned norm.  Ideally you let this person wear themself out pushing that elevator button in a blind fury until they stop.

You also need to have some skills on validating feelings and boundaries during this time... .because it usually comes to a head.

Have you read the workshop on extinction bursts?

[Cipher13]

Yes. I have been in about every thing I can find about any and all parts of BPD and tools to help.  By nature or perhaps by childhood I have always been an appeaser and avoid conflict even slight conflict. I do not stand up and fight back even when I probbaly should.  For th elast 12 years I have probably passive agressivedly sababtoge my relationship. In stead of standing u p and saying I don't like this or I think that is better or I would like to do or try this I avoid it.  For crying out loud the tires on my care are bald and I am afraid to even bring it up.

Last night I was asked why I can't communicate with her. I said I don't know other than I am afraid to bring things up. I can not have a converstion whith her. I am completely afraid of being open with my feelings. I doing so she has seen that I am pushing her away and she knows that I don't want this relationship. I have never admitted it nor do I think I can. She said stuff like, "You don't want me to come home when you are home first"  I denied it but there is some truth to it however.

I'm creating my own misery yet I don't know how to stop it.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, unfortunately you are creating your own misery and you're not making her happy either. She can tell. I could have written your opening post as well as your post above myself so I feel confident in saying that she can tell what's on your mind.

Green Mango hit the nail on the head. How do you see yourself being happy?

[GreenMango]

It does take some assertiveness and self esteem to be able to do what you are talking about.

It doesn't help when we were are conflict avoidant and we have a relationship with a person that is high conflict.  One triggers the other - in a negative feedback loop.  She gets more hostile and you recoil more and she gets more hostile and you recoil more... .it goes like this until it breaks.

Something to ask yourself maybe is do you want to try anymore?  If its at that breaking point or if you want to work on your end (some of things you mentioned) and maybe it would help overall.

It's not fun with a needy emotional bully ... .

What are really afraid of is a good question too? And try to tackle that.

[Cipher13]

Something to ask yourself maybe is do you want to try anymore?  If its at that breaking point or if you want to work on your end (some of things you mentioned) and maybe it would help overall.

I think I have emotionally shut down in this department. I am at a conflict in that reagrd. I want it to be over but don't want to be the one that ends it. If that makes sense.

Green Mango hit the nail on the head. How do you see yourself being happy?

To be honest I don't know what that even looks like? I have always focused on my wife and when try to do somethign fo rmyslef I am labeld selfish. Sometimes I don't approach doing those things in the best manner. Example out of the blue I remember I need to get somethign at the store on my lunch break. I walk into the store and get a text asking if Im at lunch yet. I said yes and I'm at the store picking up x. She tells me she needs stuff to and why didn't I let her know in advance. I am only thinking of myslef. So its situations liek that that are small that I create my misery. It snowballs from there.

[Aussie0zborn]

I want it to be over but don't want to be the one that ends it. If that makes sense.

That makes a lot of sense to me - I did the same thing. I'll call it the "sitting duck" position and its not a good position for anyone to be in. Do you have a T? Do family or friends know of your predicament? Anyone around you that you can talk to?

Dont worry that you dont know what happiness looks like anymore - it's easy to forget when you're in this situation but be assured that it's a whole lot better than what you've got now. It's something worth aiming for and its within reach. I'm about six weeks out and I've already got it and you can too.

What do you want to do?

[Cipher13]

Do you have a T?  yesDo family or friends know of your predicament? yes paretns but she doesn't know i communicate with them via email at workAnyone around you that you can talk to? yes a co-worker freind but I don't bother with details

What do you want to do?

I don't understand i gues what I can do.  I just feel clueless. I want to put this all behind me and move on but I can only think about all the drama of whats happening now and what will happen if I break it up.

[Cipher13]

How do I stop this?  I need to stop this. All our arguments are 1 sided. I am the listener she is the articulator. I don't even know how to respond. They are all about me not following through and communicating. I agree I can and should do both a little better.  I know I am a passive agressvie person. I agree to anythign and everything that she comands me to do, tells me I am doing wrong, and all that. Yet I do nothing to provide myslef with my own voice. I take it and take it and take it saying I will do better, I will fix it, I wil be more liek you want.  I can't or I don't want to. Or both.

Ia completely frustrated at this point and still I am so bombarded with self riddled guilt thank i in part to the constant barage of explatives and quilt she piles on.  I GET IT. I MADE A MISTAKE YEARS AGO. I MADE SIMILAR SMALLER MISTAKES AFTER. I AM SORRY!   Sorry for that burst I needed to get it out.

How can a person take 1 topic that should take 5 mins to talk about and drage it out for 5 hours and into the next day... .Its complete torture.

I wonder if its becasue deep in my subconcious mind I am through but my body and relative mind are still in the battle of emotional struggles.

[Surnia]

How can a person take 1 topic that should take 5 mins to talk about and drage it out for 5 hours and into the next day... .Its complete torture.

Don't let her 5 hours with it. Tell her to stop, and then leave the room.

I was there too. My now exh could lecture me for hours. I know how horrible this is. And it will not stop by doing nothing. I was avoidant too. It was very difficult for me to stop with the avoidant behavior, now I am so happy I did it. 

[Cipher13]

Don't let her 5 hours with it. Tell her to stop, and then leave the room.

How? I tried once and she blocked the door. If its a texted I can but in person I don't see how. I'm sure its possible. I can't stop the conversation infact if I try to stop it by not responding or changing the topic it is like hitting the reset button and turning up the volume. Here we go again from the begining and now we are louder and use more explatives and blaming and beratting and guilt. Must not forget the guilt.

I am serriously going crazy. I read up on BPD and vent and get advise and try it all to the very best of my ability.  Then at home I am demonized as this horrible person that has changed there behavior to this mean cruel unloving person and she didn't do anythign to desever this cruelty.  I don't know how to stand up for myslef. I found a book about learning assertive behaviors. I know that will just push this conflict even higher.  I have to get my self in order but it will cost me my marriage.  I am fine with that. I am not fine with how it will come to that.  I want nothing more than to amicably both come to the agreement that its over. 

She knows I want out. She keeps telling me to just admit it. She also mentioned what seemed somewhat amicable "maybe we should just end this"... .it felt liek a trap so I said "no. I don't want that" Why do i fight so hard to keep soemthing that I can't handle anymore?

[popeye6031]

Yes, I would say she was testing you with "maybe we should just end this" because I am sure it is the last thing she wants. You saying no is just telling her that you are willing to put up with it and will have to do all she wants to make it work.  And that will be a never ending list of demands.

Do you know why you did not agree?  Are you worried that you will be blamed for its failure (you will no matter what) ? 

You mentioned that you made a mistake a number of years ago.  Was this something serious?

Was this looking at adult sites?  This is certainly not a relationship breaking thing to do, unless your partner has BPD traits of course.  Normal healthy partners will crack a joke about and call you a perv. They will not make you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

I was single 2 years before meeting my current pwBPDgf and aftr finding some semi naked pics on my ipad I was given a lot of grief.  2 years later and It is still brought up and asked often if I stiil have pics somewhere.

[Cipher13]

Was this looking at adult sites?  Yes

What is really the issue now (while that seems to be the core to the currect issue)  is that she has trust issues with me. The T mentioned a few years ago that I should communicate a few things to here to let her know what I am doing and when I am doing them so that she feels in her mind that I am no screwing around or doing something inapropriate.

So now I am not following through with doing that... ie I forget to send her a text I am going to the store on my lunch break or I neglected to give her all the things I will do once I get home from work... .like walk the dogs, cut the grass etc.

What is happening is over a period of time it si getting frusted to constantly do these things so 1 of 2 things happens. 1 I forget and she gets pissed. or 2 I am irratedt that i have to constantly check in and i get pissed.

[Cipher13]

So last night wasn't as bad as most episodes except it had its own unique perspective. I had a random question tossed at me. ":)o you think my sister's first husband was abusive?" Strange becasue we all know the answer was yes. I was told of the time my wife had to grab my infant nephew and take him next door while he was pounding on her. Now also her sister is one to provoke things not that she ever deserved that. She can shake the nitro bottle labeled explosive with the best of them.

I asked why she asked me that random question. At first it was that she was posting stuff on face book. Well it happened about 17 years ago for on thing. Then I asked out of curiosity is that what you think we are in. She said yes! I emotional abuse her. She says she is blamed and treated badly for stuff she didn't do  and don't i think that is emotional abuse?

"How would you  like to have someonemad at you  and push you away for something you didn't do?"   I din't quite know how to handle that question. I said no I would not. and that was it.

[Cipher13]

Oh almost forgot. She has also said I must have a personality disorder or something.  I bt my toungue on that one and brushed it off.

[popeye6031]

I think when your T told you to let her know what you were doing was probably more like the occasional text, the the every 5 minutes your she expects it.

In her mind , she thinks her behaviour towards you ins perfectly normal and therefore your reaction to years to her years of emotional abuse makes her believe that is you that are now emotionally abusing her.

I definitely get the feeling you are at the end of you patience with things.  You do need to start thinking about yourself now.

[Cipher13]

I definitely get the feeling you are at the end of you patience with things.  You do need to start thinking about yourself now.

I am at the end of my rope. Starting to thing of myself is not going to be easy since I have rarely done so. And any times I have tried I am accused of being selfish. So in that regard I have a lot to work on. I had a great visit with T last night. Best one to date. I was able to express clearly everything that is happening.  When her eyes pooped open and her jaw unhinged at the transcribed text arguments that have been going on between wife and I. (I wanted to bring in an accurate glimpse of what a typical argument looks like without maybe videoing one.) T knows and has see my wife and treated her for panic and anxiey early in our marriage so she knows her.  She says that all of this is so completely unhealthy and without specifically saying I should look into divorce implied that maybe I should consider. Thats huge froma Christain Counseling service in my mind. Also since we originally went there for marriage counseling.

I have wanted to have these discussions with T for years but all sessions have been joint with my wife in the past and focused on her and her panic and anxiety and less on me.  T even asked me "How do you do it? After reading those texts between you two how do you stay so calm and in contol of yourself?"  I said I am now thinking that that type of reactions my be whats keeping me down. I do not stand up for myslef and when I do I don't stay up long enough and cave in. 

The #1 question I was asked "How does this moke you feel?"

My answer:  I am a prisinor trapped and its making me sick. I know that my heart rate goes up at the sound of my phone going off. I feel the bile in my gut rolling around when we argue.

[Surnia]

Wow, Cipher, this was really a great T session. 

Its brave facing reality:

The #1 question I was asked "How does this moke you feel?"

My answer:  I am a prisinor trapped and its making me sick. I know that my heart rate goes up at the sound of my phone going off. I feel the bile in my gut rolling around when we argue.

[Cipher13]

Now if I can just keep that feeling I had when I left the office as a ralleying point and confidence booster I can handle almost anything.

1 thing I struggle with is being able to express and aknowledge to her that I have needs and feelings to. That I can not and will not feel guilty for having them.  I can not curl up into a ball in the corner of the bed during and arguemnt and say what ever I can thing of the just make it stop. I need to stop it. I have the power to listen to it or not listen to it. This is my challenge. This is how I get better. This is how I help me. This is how I take care of my mental well being. I can not and will not let the guilt change my thoughts and affect my feelings. 

Anyone that can offer some advice to help with this. T said to kind of think about the things I know and trust in my gut as realaity and write them down over and over. When she is trying to pass off the guilt and contol my emotions with it I then can go back to those truths to remind me I am right and I am in control of me.

[Surnia]

What helped me with my h was to shift from guilt  to observation mode. Observation mode: What do I see, what do I hear. Just facts, no interpretation. Like: Oh, he is rising his voice. All his sentences are beginning with "you". He is speaking about the past. He is pointing on me. He is repeating the same thing again.

The observation mode gives me more distance and prevents me from feeling guilty or obligated.

Second thing: When things goes in a wrong direction, a break in the bathroom. Sorry, I have to p***. Than you try to find back to cipher after the T session.

[Cipher13]

Surina thats really good advice and I will take it and run with it.  I have been trying to separate myself once I notice things are going in a non productive way. Generally yelling and raised voices. I drown that out and put on my virtual ear plugs.  I have developed a very thick skin. Still things and get through a chink in the armor.

I will use this observation mode. It will allow me to keep my mind out of the guilt gutter and remain in control of my consious self. I can remain inthe world of reality and truth while just observiving th land of guilt.


Thank you

[O.Hi]

How do I stop this?  I need to stop this. All our arguments are 1 sided. I am the listener she is the articulator. I don't even know how to respond. They are all about me not following through and communicating. I agree I can and should do both a little better.  I know I am a passive aggressive person. I agree to anything and everything that she commands me to do, tells me I am doing wrong, and all that. Yet I do nothing to provide myself with my own voice. I take it and take it and take it saying I will do better, I will fix it, I will be more like you want.  I can't or I don't want to. Or both.

It is amazing how much we all have in common. I'll give the common refrain here:

I could have written your post myself.

As far as passive aggressive behavior goes, you might want to reconsider your view of yourself (like my T asked me to do).

There are two parts to passive aggressive behavior:

- Passive - It sounds like you are passive

- Aggressive - It sound like you probably aren't aggressive

From you posts it doesn't look like you are intentionally using passive behavior (jokes, avoiding responsibilities, sullenness) to express hostility towards partner.

My partner has often accused me of being passive aggressive. I believed it for a long time, because I do avoid conflict like the plague. With the help of my T, I realized that my partner will see my behavior as hostile no matter what. If I shut down after 5+ hours of circular argument, I'm intentionally hurting her and it is passive aggressive. If I'm standing up for myself and setting healthy boundaries, I'm being a selfish a-hole. The classic no win BPD scenario.

[O.Hi]

... .out of the blue I remember I need to get something at the store on my lunch break. I walk into the store and get a text asking if Im at lunch yet. I said yes and I'm at the store picking up x. She tells me she needs stuff to and why didn't I let her know in advance. I am only thinking of myself.

Literally this exact situation has happened to me.