I think I want to leave

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been married 11 years, together 13 and I think I am finally at the end of my rope.  My BPD/w has driven me to a point that I never thought I would be at.  I think I want to end our marriage.  It took speaking to my my 20 year old daughter today who moved away a while back.  She said "dad, you can't spend your entire life trying to make mom happy... .if you do, you will end up miserable and she always will be."  My problem now is the guilt that is starting to consume me as I look at what our lives will look like apart.  I will be fine, I have been blessed with a very strong appreciation of ones self (read ego) and am fairly emotionally balanced but what happens to my wife?  She constantly tells me she doesn't need me, and that she can handle her life all on her own, but I know that is simply a facade.  She may not consciously think she needs me, but if I have learned anything about BPD, it is that her biggest fear is abandonement.  We have younger kids too (8 and 3) that will be caught up in the aftermath.  I am scared for them but at the same time there is a huge part of me that realizes that the best thing for them and for me is to establish a separate life away from my wife.  Problem is, I love her with all my heart.  I know she is scared to lose me but everytime we talk, she points out what a terrible husband I am and how horrible of a father I am.  I know those things are not true, I am great at both roles.  I don't know another man that would have lasted as long as I have and I still feel guilty about giving serious consideration to leaving her.  I moved out on Monday, and am scared.  Any help or advise you can give would be much appreciated.  Thanks!

[heartachedenver]

I have been married 11 years, together 13 and I think I am finally at the end of my rope.  My BPD/w has driven me to a point that I never thought I would be at.  I think I want to end our marriage.  It took speaking to my my 20 year old daughter today who moved away a while back.  She said "dad, you can't spend your entire life trying to make mom happy... .if you do, you will end up miserable and she always will be."  My problem now is the guilt that is starting to consume me as I look at what our lives will look like apart.  I will be fine, I have been blessed with a very strong appreciation of ones self (read ego) and am fairly emotionally balanced but what happens to my wife?  She constantly tells me she doesn't need me, and that she can handle her life all on her own, but I know that is simply a facade.  She may not consciously think she needs me, but if I have learned anything about BPD, it is that her biggest fear is abandonement.  We have younger kids too (8 and 3) that will be caught up in the aftermath.  I am scared for them but at the same time there is a huge part of me that realizes that the best thing for them and for me is to establish a separate life away from my wife.  Problem is, I love her with all my heart.  I know she is scared to lose me but everytime we talk, she points out what a terrible husband I am and how horrible of a father I am.  I know those things are not true, I am great at both roles.  I don't know another man that would have lasted as long as I have and I still feel guilty about giving serious consideration to leaving her.  I moved out on Monday, and am scared.  Any help or advise you can give would be much appreciated.  Thanks!

[heartandwhole]

heartachedenver,

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it's very painful and scary.    It's really understandable to feel that you love your wife and guilty about leaving.  I felt the same way in my relationship with someone with BPD, and I felt torn.

You won't know what your lives will be like apart until you can get some space and distance. One step at a time.  I know you are worried about your wife and her ability to take care of herself, that makes a lot of sense, given how your relationship has been. On the other hand, you could look at it as an important step for her - taking responsibility for  her life. Your job now is to take care of yourself and your children.  They need you, and you need you.

We're here for you, heartachedenver, keep posting. 

[heartachedenver]

heartandwhole

Did you leave and if so, how long did it take you to work up the courage and the fortitude?  She is making me a miserable and angry person.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Heartachedenver,

I have been in your shoes, my friend, and appreciate the issues you are wrestling with.  I was so stuck in the BPD mud that my friends and family conducted a mild form of intervention on me to get me to see the light that I was dealing with a broken marriage and had to move on.  You can lose all perspective in the throes of a BPD r/s, so be careful.  You deserve happiness.  In the long run, it will be better for you and your kids if you are happy and thriving.  The question is, whether you can achieve those things in your marriage?  I reached a point where I was just pretending that things were OK, when it in fact I was going through some hellish years.  Listen to your gut feelings and strive to be authentic, which will help you to find your path again.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[yawp419]

Hi Heartachedenver - I don't know if I have any advice, but I feel for you and wanted to send support... .I just left my BPD husband two months ago after nine years together... .I know that for me, I just needed to know what it would feel like to be on my own. Living with my husband meant being filled with self-doubt, seeing myself become the worst version of myself when he pushed my buttons, being afraid and ashamed of what I'd let our kids see and be around. I wasn't sure how it would feel to separate and a good friend told me ":)on't let anyone rush you into making any decisions or taking any steps past this one - just take some time to catch your breath." I listened to her advice and it felt so good to just take some time to reconnect with myself, rediscover myself on my own as a person and mother without my husband's influence... .For me, it has been an immense relief and more peaceful than I could have imagined - lonely, but peaceful, and I know it's the right step. But I think it's important to take some time for yourself to "catch your breath" as my friend said - then you will start to see what's right for you.

I hope this helps even just a little bit - hang in there![/quote]

[SeekerofTruth]

Heart:

Sounds like you have an informed 20 year old daughter who gets it.  Good for you.

Hmm, struggles with guilt.  Bummer.  Perhaps address the guilt, as it may take an unhealthy hold. You have to save and protect yourself first.   You've thought about it for some time and had to the courage to act.  Perhaps if we could switch the guilt and transform it to grace and unconditional acceptance as we move forward one step at a time and explore that new space free from the oppression and attacks.  The thing that sucks is the ruminative resentment like fueled loop that plays in our heads sometimes without us realizing it because it became a habit.  Which of course also needs addressing.  And then of course, after days or weeks or months of calmer waters, sometimes out of the blue comes a BPD wave crashing down on us... .so be prepared for when that happens to not capsize and maintain course.  i like the idea of taking a breather. yoga seems to be saving my life in a way.  also, the less i began to share with her, the safer i emotionally felt, especially if i was engaging in good effective self-care practices.  *which is far better than drinking, drugging, and other mindnumbing coping efforts*  good luck!  Again, your 20 year old sounds like a breath of fresh air. Remember to enjoy that relationship.  Grace be with you.

[SeekerofTruth]

Jim

as we know, if we also come from a caregiver, caretaker, hero-rescuer, type of identity (mine is attached to wanting to have a healthier family than my foo), with a take on all challenges work your butt off attitude and we are really gifted and devoted to it... .oh my!

[eyvindr]

heartachedenver,

A common thread (no pun intended) around here seems to be that so many partners of pwBPD are genuinely compassionate and loving people. It makes sense, as you learn more about the disorder -- these poor folks are attracted to people who least resemble those who trigger them. Sadly, though, the nature of the illness is that, once we become intimate, they become triggered. Because intimacy, at root, involves crossing boundaries, or at least relaxing them. pwBPD have very poor boundaries (sometimes bordering on none), and they get anxious about losing us, because of their poor sense of self, and they (the illness, the BPD) morph us into something that threatens them with abandonment. It really is a vicious cycle.

If there's a silver lining, I think it lies in why they are attracted to us in the first place. In one branch of the Buddhist tradition, there is a focus on what is referred to as basic human goodness.

Living in accordance with natural harmony is not a matter of following a series of rigid rules or structuring your days with lifeless commandments or codes of conduct. The world has order an power and richness that can teach you how to conduct your life artfully, with kindness to others and care for yourself.

I often think of BPD as a an illness that causes people to lose touch with the basic human goodness that we all intrinsically have. Looking at it in this way has helped me to better understand why they so rarely seem to be able to get past it. But also why their partners -- us -- are able to still love them, to find compassion for them, despite the emotional chaos that they create, and which they require us to share in, if we are to be involved with them.

I think that a lot of the conflict that we partners feel, including the guilt we experience when we think about or choose to leave them, is rooted in this compassion. We should remember that, in putting our pwBPD partners' dysfunctional emotional needs before our own, we are ultimately hurting ourselves, which will over time cause us to begin losing touch with our own basic human goodness.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself. And take pride in knowing that you've raised a daughter with a strong sense of self, who recognizes healthy boundaries.

[SeekerofTruth]

E:  Exceptional. Lucid and clear.  Thank you.  Heartfelt-compassion.

Indeed, i have had my sense of basic human goodness nearly severed, (some of which having nothing to do with my BPD wife, and a lot that does either directly or indirectly). but i am wiser now and have buidlt stronger and more discerning boundaries.

Returning to compassion... .

BEAUTIFUL ENRICHED COMPASSION FOR OURSELVES AND OTHERS.

What a great quote, to help me (us) get out of my (our) own way, on my (our)journey of recovery and wholeness on the path of redemption in lieu of victimization.  Thank you for the breath of fresh air.  I will write that qoute down and place it in my spriitul corner in order to reflect upon it as my heart rate and breathing rate become more closely connected.  From the heart and soul.  Namaste.

[bettermentofsociety]

heartachedenver,

I often think of BPD as a an illness that causes people to lose touch with the basic human goodness that we all intrinsically have. Looking at it in this way has helped me to better understand why they so rarely seem to be able to get past it. But also why their partners -- us -- are able to still love them, to find compassion for them, despite the emotional chaos that they create, and which they require us to share in, if we are to be involved with them.

I think this is accurate.  BPD can truly make us lose a little bit of faith in humanity, because it exposes us to some of the worst characteristics (dishonesty, betrayal, pain, evil etc... ).  Agree we stay in chaos for reasons; but we cannot be changed by bad behavior, we must continue to stay in touch with human goodness at the same time continue to work on ourselves!

[Clearmind]

Guilt is something we all felt my friend when we exited these relationships. We have been so accustomed to walking on eggshells that when we show ourselves a remnant of compassion we beat ourselves up! Its called obligation.

Your wife, like all our ex’s, do and will survive. Its likely you have been attempting to save her from herself for many years - ask yourself honestly whether that has helped curb her behavior - my guess the answer is No! You cannot fix her. Borderlines are more resourceful than they would have you think. Her biggest fear is abandonment, engulfment and intimacy – so abandonment is not the full picture. We are in fact a trigger!

Be there for your kids, be open and caring and let them talk about how they feel without judgement. Trust me, coming from a BPD household all I wanted was at least one parent who listened without needing to change my feelings for me.

Are you looking after yourself?

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

[BradyK]

Heartachedenver,

Like many of us, I grappled with that guilt and concern for my ex when I ended my relationship, which was much shorter and less complicated than yours, by far. No marriage, no children. I came to realize that by choosing to remain in the chaos of that relationship I was abandoning my own self in a very profound way.

My ex survived. Moved on very quickly, in fact. More importantly, I have survived too, but it took me a long time to recover and regain my integrity. There is no question in my mind that I did the right thing, but it took me some time and distance to see this.

I hope this helps you.

[SeekerofTruth]

Oh the pain, Brady.  I feel it.  I know.