starting on the long and winding road

[watches_sunsets]

Hello everyone,

I have already posted on the main board about my 17 year old daughter and her being diagnosed with 6 possible causes to her emotional problems and self-harming. One of those diagnosis is BPD. I started reading some helpful articles today from this site and material recommended to me by Reg. I have found it to be extremely helpful and useful how to "tweak" my responses and behavior to validate the good and not just to "gut react" which validates the negative and the bad behavior. I am really starting to learn that my attitude and behavior will greatly help me as well as her.

I wanted to join this board so I can exchange information, advice and support with others who have a child with BPD and this long and difficult journey we find ourselves on. It's frustrating, aggravating and heartbreaking. However through some of the videos and articles I have "devoured" today, I see that there is hope and help out there to help us cope and react better.

Even just sharing my story on the main board has helped relieve some of the pain and dispair I was feeling. Now I see that there are others who have "been there and done that" and it's the first sign of support I have seen since this journey started the beginning of this year. It's like being able to breathe again.

My daughter is in a clinic at the moment enrolled in a 12 week treatment program for depression, self-harming, suicidal tendendencies, PTSD, and now probably borderline (they can't diagnosis it 100% at 17, they tell me). The 12 weeks is over next week. They are releasing her to go back to her own apartment. In my opinion it isn't important to them if she is doing bettter or not, it's only important they completed the 12 weeks so they can collect the money from insurance. I do not feel her condition has improved during her time in the clinic, I see somes signs of it getting worse. They tell me that is normal and once she is released she will stop cutting herself. I am frantically looking for "after-care" options, because after she is released, she is on her own. So, I am in the middle of dealing with social services for a program they support and will help finance. I am also in the process of trying to get disability benefits for her, as she feels she can not live at home and after being fired from her job for being ill, she has no source of income. We are also hoping that she can get a new job with their help and support so she can start putting her life back together once she is fit to work again. We are hoping it will take about 6 months, but you really never know. You have to take it one day at a time. So, not only is it emotionally draining at the moment, we are also dealing with the burocratic red tape and the hurry up and wait attitude. I feel under time pressure to find a solution because I am afraid once she is back on her own and doesn't have professional help to deal with her problems, she will find it too over-whelming and "overdose in the woods" as she has threatened to do several times. It is up to me to find her the appropriate therapist and program to continue her treatment.

It's been a hard journey of being pushed out of her life, being criticised for being the person I am, caring too much, asking too many questions etc. I have gone through the whole line of emotions of a parent whose child is seriously ill and no one knows how to deal with it, not even the doctors. While she has been at the clinic, she continues to cut herself. Each time she goes deeper so she can feel the release. I am afraid one tiime she will go too far and accidently bleed out and won't be able to be saved. She doesn't want help from me. She keeps me at a distance, but I still want to help her recover and have a better outlook for the future.

I feel hope now that I have read some of your stories. It's hard to hold down a job, be on the verge of tears (or crying) constantly, having nightmares about your child dying alone by their own hand. It has definitely affected my personal and professional life and I am so very happy I found this support group.

It's nice to know I no longer have to go this alone! Thank you for this place so we can all help each other.

watches_sunsets

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reg]

Hi,

I see you found your way to the right board !   

I'm certain others can help you with good advice on the matter here.  Perhaps it may be interesting to see if there are better clinics who are specialised in dealing with BPD in your area as well.  And with DBT.

Reg

[watches_sunsets]

Hi again Reg,

In the country where I live, we have one of the highest suicide rates in the world. There are many reasons for this. One being that having a problem is against what society accepts. If you have a problem you deal with it yourself and you don't talk about it. Another reason is the quality of the education of the doctors here. Interpersonal communication is just not something they know anything about, and this includes Psychiatrists and other mental health care professionals. My daughter's first psychiatrist in the clinic was brilliant, but he left for a new job half way through her stay and the Dr she has now just does not listen. She asks you a questions, you answer, she mumbles, uh huh, yes. Then 5 minutes later she asks the same question. When she took over my daughter's case she asked what my daughter would like to talk about/work on. She replied, the 2 trauma incidents I have had in my life. The doctor replied, I do not deal with trauma, we are not a trauma center. Even though the first dr discovered that my daughter's 2 "traumas" were a large part of her problem, the 2nd dr didn't feel that it needed to be addressed.

The reason I can not put her into another clinic, is that it is the only clinic for people under 25 which exists. The others are institutions for severely mentally ill people who have no other place in society. This is the reason she is there. It was this clinic or nothing. The hospitals here have psychiatric wards for those who have attempted suicide, but nothing for troubled youths or borderline disorder. If you just talk about commiting suicide nothing is done. You have to attempt suicide to get their attention.

I am trying to find her a new psychiatrist or therapist for when she gets out of the clinic, but it's really hard to know who you can trust and I just can't have her going to 10 different drs. until she finds the "right fit". At this point I am not even sure what the insurance will cover for her "out-patient" therapy. They at least paid the $50,000 (equivalent amount from our currency) of the clinic bills. What they are willing to pay after her release I have no idea. It's terrible when the treatment of an ill person depends on their financial means.

So, on I go with the best of intentions and hoping I can get done what needs to be done in order for my daughter to start getting better. I just wish she appreciated what I am doing for her, but she doesn't and I just have to accept that.

Thanks again Reg for replying.

[watches_sunsets]

UPDATE

Daughter and I had another family meeting today with her psychiatrist and 2 of the health care assistants. I thought we were doing okay in our mother-daughter relationship, but as soon as she walked in the room I knew something wasn't right. I went into the room prepared to use the validation techniques that I learned about yesterday. I was feeling pretty good that I could get through the meeting and my daughter would feel understood and that I am on her side. I have made many "mistakes" in the past (who hasn't), some due to my illness, others due to my who I am as a person (very emotional). I was hoping to just move forward with her and not dwell on the past. Well, not only did she bring up all the bad things she remembers happening in the past (I have a different memory of them). She claimed that she always had to be the parent and I was the child because I was crippled by my emotions. I not only damaged her, but I damage everyone who has ever tried to love me. She didn't hold anything back. I tried to validate what I thought which was partially true and then stating my case and acknowleding that I could have done things differently in the past, but I know more now about what she needs and I can try to give it to her while letting her make her own decisions about her life. I just want to be there to support her. She said all I talk is empty words, she distances herself from me because I make her want to cut herself because I am too emotionally fragile. She told me she was afraid for my husband that I would drive him into a mental illness as well because of the person I am, weak and destructive.

During the meeting I stayed focused and on track and defended myself in a way, that was neutral and non-judgemental and basically just let her have her say. I didn't think getting into an arguement was a good place to take the conversation. After the meeting I went back to work and cried a lot of tears of heartbreak. I know I could have done things differently in the past, but I cannot change that. I can only try to improve who I am now and how I interact with her. She wants none of it. I cried alone in my office (I was alone, thank goodness) for a good hour. The self-doubt washing over me and pretty much feeling worthless.

She said she needs to set her boundries with me and not let me in. I asked if she respected my boundries, respecting that I have feelings and reactions to sitauations. In the future I will try to adjust my reactions so they are constructive and helpful to us both. I have the right to have and show my feelings and I set the boundries at her telling me how I should feel and react, that is my personal decision. She didn't look at me the whole time, and I don't even know if she cared what I said. I didn't let her see what she said hurt me deeply. I just responded that I accept her opinion and feelings, even if I don't agree 100 percent. I feel like I did the best I could at the meeting.

Why do I feel like such a horrible, worthless person who only makes the lives of everyone around her miserable? I try to treat people with great respect and I am always the first to jump in and help people so they feel better. I have feelings and emotions and I am overwhelmed at times. Does that make me a terrible person? I don't think so, but right now my heart is hurting and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that not everything she says necessarily means it has to be so. But the old insecurities are creeping in, that if she feels that way maybe everyone else does as well.

[heronbird]

They can diagnose an under 18 now, as long as they have had the symptoms for a year or more.

I found having the diagnosis a help for my relationship with dd, we understood her from that time. I read up so much on it.

If we didnt get the diagnosis, I dont know where we would be now.

I checked it out and my dd had 9 out of the 9 symptoms, so I knew they got it spot on. She was 16 and diagnosed by one of the leading hospitals in UK.

They dont like diagnosis because they seem to think we are all so silly and we are going to use BPD as our s/d identity haa, but we are not that basic.

I do hope you get some real help and move forwards, so good you found this site

[vivekananda]

Hi sunsets   

Welcome to the parent's board here. I am glad you found your way to us. You are right there are many of us here who understand exactly how you feel.

It sounds like you have a whole bag of mixed emotions just now: guilt, fear, hurt, frustration and confusion ... .I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bit of anger hidden away also. I don't know if it helps to know that is perfectly normal in the situation you find yourself. I hope that after some time with us you will have all these emotions better sorted so that it all feels easier.

There is much to learn here from the resources we have and the discussions of our concerns. I expect you like me am feeling the enormous relief of having someone to speak to who understands. My own dd (dear daughter) is 32 and has been diagnosed with PTSD due to the alleged lifetime of abuse she has suffered at my hands while my dh stood by and looked on. It is not at all unusual for a pw BPD to think this way. The explanation for this is something like an environment that is not validating is interpreted by the pw BPD as abusive. And, of course, validation was not a natural way for me or anyone that I know to communicate... .I only wish I knew about it before.

Anyway, I thought in your search for how to help your dd, you may appreciate this information. It is the Australian Guidelines for the Clinical Management of BPD and you can download it for free from the link below. It is the result of an analysis of the meta data available on BPD, so everything it says is backed up by research. There is helpful information on self harming, on treatment types, on exit plans from treatment.

Clinical Practice Guideline for the Management of Borderline Personality Disorder (2012)

Sunsets there is a lot of info we can share with you. what do you think would be good to focus on, validation, boundaries, something else?

Have you read Valerie Porr's "Overcoming BPD"? This is a really good general BPD bppk that resonates with many of us here. She is a mother of a girl with BPD and she started the tara4BPD centre in New York.

please take care of yourself, have you considered seeing a therapist for support for you? It sounds like you are in Japan... .I have no idea of what it's like there and whether there are organisations that offer support for people in our situation... .

please take care

Vivek            

[qcarolr]

watches-sunsets      

Being a very emotional person myself, I so can understand how hard it is for you to be the focus of the accusations by your DD, and not to take them all to heart as 'truths' about yourself.  I so stuggle with this too. Then I get angry. And filled with fear to subjected to her blaming.

Maybe right now your D cannot hear what you have to say to her - how you are trying to acknowledge that you are an emotional person. It is so hard the part of validation that says do not defend yourself.

My other thought is, maybe it is OK for you to take a break from contact with your D. Is there anyone else in her life that she can be in contact with? Perhaps that can let you know she is OK? Someone that can just sit with her without judgement when she is distressed. It sounds like this is hard to find in your community.

Something that helped me when I first started on the BPD road with my DD27 was to repeat to myself "I can stand this. I can stand this. I can stand this." She was 23 when dx BPD added to her ADD/Bipolar/Panic disorder - she projects her feelings in rages and self-harms with risky actions with sex and drugs.

I would also recommend Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD". It has all the current research, and is very focused or families wanting to help the children, of all ages, have a better life. There is a lot of information here. Allow yourself time to absorb it. Practice the ideas with other 'safer' people in your life daily. Family, freinds, co-workers. Practicing the validation, and some boundaries, with co-workers was a really good start for me. So much less emotional attachment there. Not so easily triggered into my own feelings of imperfection and then feeling unworthy.

We care. We know the pain you are in. Keep coming back. Take care of yourself - hard to hear - first step to making things better. Your DD is so young -- there is always HOPE.

qcr  

[watches_sunsets]

Hello again-

I want to thank Vivek  and qcr for their helpful answers and support. I feel like I was wwhining in my post, but I was feeling so helpless and lost.

After the confrontation with my daughter last week, I decided that I was wait for her to contact me and give myself a chance to cool down and work through my feelings. Yesterday she contacted me and wanted to take our dog to her place for a few days. Of course, I said yes. When she is taking care of the dog, she is too concentrated on the dog's needs that she "forgets" to harm herself and focuses all her attention on the dog. This is the only time I feel she is really safe and she won't do anything to harm herself. Those are the nights I get more than 3 hours sleep. I spent about an hour with my daughter yesterday. She proudly told me she cut herself so deeply a few days before, but by the time she went to the emergency room they told her it was too late to sew up the cut. I reacted like she told me she had just bought a newspaper. Outside I was not emotional, but inside I was crying. Her complaint in front of the doctors was that I was too emotional, so I just acted cool and a matter of fact. Told her I loved her and hoped she had a good time with the dog. I don't think she expected me to act cool... .I think she wanted me to freak out, but I am not going to be her next reason for self harm. I told her/showed her I cared, but managed to sttay cool. I pat myself on the back for that.

Thanks again to Reg, for all the links that I am still going through and thanks to everyone who has read my story. I really do feel that someone cares and isn't judging me for being to emotional or a bad mother.

Hugs and peaceful times to all,

watches-sunsets

Vivek  -Thanks so much for giving me the background on your daughter. My daughter has a similar story about her father and the sad thing is, that she truly believe things happened that didn't.There is anger, you are right. I just don't know if it's me or her I am angry at. I guess a bit of both. No, I don't live in Japan. I live in Europe. I am still wading through all the links and information you all have sent me and led me too. It's so hard to modify your behaviour and not fear you have to change who you are. I really am trying out the validation techniques, with not just my daughter, but my bosses as well and I am finding it is really helping me reduce my stress level and how I deal with all people and not just my daughter.

QCR - Thanks so much for your support and your advice. Yes, I do take her accusations to heart. I have tried to do my best and be a great parent, but because of past events in my life, I felt I always had something to prove. I thought I was doing a darn good job with her and then she starts telling me how I have damaged her because I am emotional. Really made me feel at fault for her illness. Maybe if I was "normal" she wouldn't be ill. I am trying to change this way of thinking, because it is not helpful or productive to me or her. There are other people my daughter goes to and shares the details of her life. Unfortunately, I have no contact with them nor do they wish to have contact with me.

[vivekananda]

Hi sunsets  you are doing the right thing girl   

The first rule for me is to take care of myself so I am in a better position to care for others. Please don't forget the importance of self care, ok?

There is a steep learning curve to be had here. I can recall when I first learnt about validation and started to practise it on anyone I came into contact with. It was amazing the difference it made to my life! I am still working at it, still forgetting to do it... .what I found is that I was involved in changing the way I automatically thought, my default thinking. And isn't that a hard thing to do?

Another thing I learnt was that the more I posted here, including on other people's posts, the more I learnt. I would recommend to you that you are active on the boards, because it is great informal learning.

Please keep in touch sunsets, we are all in this together!

Vivek