Has anyone just stopped talking altogether?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDh has an issue with my "mouth" as he calls it.  I've stopped responding when he rages besides, YES NO and Sorry.  I won't engage.  Thing is, when he has done something that needs discussed, yes it actually needs talked about, then he rages and tells me that my mouth gets me in trouble and blah blah blah all the mean things they say to us.  Last night he told me he'll find another c##t as they are a dime a dozen.  I just said OK.  All this stemmed from the fact that he has been gone very late 4 of 6 days this week.  Due to my previous marriage of being left alone all the time ( I now suspect he was BPD, too ), I told him before we got married that I wouldn't live like that again.  Many times, in fact.  We had an issue before he tried this.  He got out of line then, too.  Said he was like that before.  I said you weren't like that when I met you or I would't have married you.  He started in on my "mouth". Then, he got mad because he didn't have a pillow case, so I gave him my pillow.  Didn't know his was off. So I got up to use the bathroom and tripped over his stupid dog. I told the dog to move because he was blocking the door and uBPDh said something but I didn't hear him.  So I said what did you say?  He gave a snotty NOTHING and I (should have said nothing, but I was half asleep, upset, and already confused) said did I do something wrong?  BANG!  He went off.  He was looking for that reason to be mad at me.  Takes his wrongness away.  I tripped right into it.

Basically, when it comes to him having to face truth, he starts in about my mouth.  He overdraws the account?  The problem is my mouth.  He stays out too late too often?  My mouth.  He spends all his money on pills and can't pay his bills?  My mouth.  He went to the ER and didn't tell me, I found the pills and discharge papers in the truck (my truck, btw... .he drives my vehicles, and trashed it, but wanted to know why I was in HIS truck)? My mouth.

I've decided I will speak no more.  EVER.  YES, NO, I DON'T KNOW.  That's all he will get from me.  He asks sometimes why I never talk to him like I used to... .because I only get in trouble when I do.  He doesn't care.

[wishfulthinking]

My uBPDh has an issue with my "mouth" as he calls it.  I've stopped responding when he rages besides, YES NO and Sorry.  I won't engage.  Thing is, when he has done something that needs discussed, yes it actually needs talked about, then he rages and tells me that my mouth gets me in trouble and blah blah blah all the mean things they say to us.  Last night he told me he'll find another c##t as they are a dime a dozen.  I just said OK.  All this stemmed from the fact that he has been gone very late 4 of 6 days this week.  Due to my previous marriage of being left alone all the time ( I now suspect he was BPD, too ), I told him before we got married that I wouldn't live like that again.  Many times, in fact.  We had an issue before he tried this.  He got out of line then, too.  Said he was like that before.  I said you weren't like that when I met you or I would't have married you.  He started in on my "mouth". Then, he got mad because he didn't have a pillow case, so I gave him my pillow.  Didn't know his was off. So I got up to use the bathroom and tripped over his stupid dog. I told the dog to move because he was blocking the door and uBPDh said something but I didn't hear him.  So I said what did you say?  He gave a snotty NOTHING and I (should have said nothing, but I was half asleep, upset, and already confused) said did I do something wrong?  BANG!  He went off.  He was looking for that reason to be mad at me.  Takes his wrongness away.  I tripped right into it.

Basically, when it comes to him having to face truth, he starts in about my mouth.  He overdraws the account?  The problem is my mouth.  He stays out too late too often?  My mouth.  He spends all his money on pills and can't pay his bills?  My mouth.  He went to the ER and didn't tell me, I found the pills and discharge papers in the truck (my truck, btw... .he drives my vehicles, and trashed it, but wanted to know why I was in HIS truck)? My mouth.

I've decided I will speak no more.  EVER.  YES, NO, I DON'T KNOW.  That's all he will get from me.  He asks sometimes why I never talk to him like I used to... .because I only get in trouble when I do.  He doesn't care.

[Seashells]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it surely sounds like an unpleasant way to live.

I'm currently not speaking to my recently diagnosed BPDbf (or ex? ) who knows right now?  I guess that's why I'm here. 

So, even though I'm not living with mine, I too just shut down and stop communicating at times when he rages.  I know I'm supposed to let him know when I'll be available to talk, but it's really difficult to even care about what's best for them when you get to a certain point.  And I have my own anger over his behavior to deal with, so I figure it's better than arguing back at the very least.

I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know you're not alone.  And I'm sure others will be able to add more.

[Holliday]

I hear you both! No matter what my pwBPD does, it goes back to the same standard arguments... either about my past. About me kicking him out of our apartment bc I couldn't handle him. Or it's about me not running to his rescue the one time I didn't because he needs rescuing every week, and I had to stop dropping my life and running to fix his crisis...

At first we agreed on what I was calling a "safe word" which meant, when you hear this word from me, it means I'm about to check out / shut down because you are verbally abusing me. But in the heat of rage it stopped working... So I also made a point of talking like a broken record. "This is not acceptable behaviour for me" over and over... after a few times I would exit the situation or turn my phone off... or call him on his bluff...

Something that has also worked a bit was agreeing to what he is mad about. "Yes hun, it must be my mouth." End of story. Hurts the pride, but in my head I secretly know it has nothing to do with my mouth. Kind of defused things a bit for me anyway...

Ultimately of course is the question in the back of my mind... Is this really the way I want to live forever? I am trying to answer this myself. I know where you're coming from... this site has been super helpful in gaining strength through knowledge and support from others.

[Aussie0zborn]

He asks sometimes why I never talk to him like I used to... .because I only get in trouble when I do.  He doesn't care.

I did the same thing but mine DID care that I wouldn't talk to her and ofcourse blamed me for ignoring her, which she translated as being mean and emotionally abusive. You just can't win in this situation.

What do you plan to do?

[wishfulthinking]

Aussie, I have no idea. Last night was horrible. He chewed me out for not making his plate fast enough. I'd had enough so when he stormed out the door I threw a skillet at the floor. Unfortunately, my and his best friends were in the living room and witnessed it. His friend agreed told him after he and my uBPDh left to go to the friends house. Since uBPDh had been staying too many nights over there (I suspect drugs) I told him he won't be continuing it. He stayed till 3 anyway (4 hours) and came home raging. Packed his stuff, when I didn't stop him he grabbed my throat. He threw his keys at me and my lip got busted. He said he didn't mean to hit me with them. He's been chewing me out all day because I'm not a good supportive loving wife. I thought he would actually leave and I'd made an appt with my lawyer but had to miss it because I couldn't leave safely. He's very strong. He claims he blacked out due to pills and beer.

In a nutshell, very lost right now. Afraid to make him leave. I own the house and he moved in with me.

[wishfulthinking]

He threw everything off of my dresser last night and damaged the jewelry box, not a chintzy one, very nice, that my mom gave me a month before she was killed in a house fire and all her stuff was lost. I got upset and asked how he would feel if I broke his new tv, so he threw it, too. Today he's mad at me because his tv is broken. He then tells screams at me I shouldn't be upset because she's dead anyway. Nice, huh? I'm alone, no family left, my grandma died a year later and that's all I had. I was close to them both. How can a person be so mean?

[Surnia]

Hi lostinparadise

Please don't clean it up, go to the police, make a report. Call a DV-Center.

Where is your daughter now?

You are both in danger.

[wishfulthinking]

My daughter and his 2 kids were asleep (probably woken up) when it happened. My daughter is wonderful, I know she worries. I calmed her that morning and took her to school. I didn't go to work, as I had a busted lip. I'm playing nice right now. He's remorseful last night and today. He doesn't realize it's probably too late. I have to leave work when he won't know to see my lawyer. I just have a feeling without detachment, it'll be a horrible ordeal. So I started yesterday. Hopefully by the time I can get a rational reason to file he won't care anymore and won't put up a fight.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Lostinparadise

I see things have taken a turn for the worse. 

Please call a DV-center, they can help you with advice and how to act going forward.

Do you have a safe place to go? A shelter, a church, a friend, a motel room, ... .

You're doing right in acting uninteresting and not engaging. It's important that you have a plan in place to disengage and leave the relationship in the less dramatic way possible. You can plan that with a lawyer and a DV-center. It might mean leaving the house, which is less important than you and your daughter's well-being.

[Jbt857]

Yeah, it got like that towards the end. My exBPDh would always be looking for fights towards the last year of our marriage. He was never physically violent to me, but he'd spoil for a fight and it reached a point where he'd be screaming in my face that he was going to go out and sleep with another woman right then, and I'd shrug my shoulders and say ok. Because if I didn't it would escalate and he'd start smashing things or punching doors and that stuff paralysed me with fear.

So I'd not react.

I know calling the cops isn't easy. I did it when my ex smashed up the house one time. I never heard the end of it, and he just hated on me more for my 'treachery'. Like I was the bad guy.

But I don't have kids. You do. You CANNOT just hope this goes away. You need to take action and get this bully out of your home. Subjecting children to this is not ok.

I see what you are doing, in trying to back out quietly, but it doesn't work like that. They don't work like that. You need to leave temporarily or summon all your strength, and get him out one way or another. Try and do it in the smoothest way possible. Like the downloads here suggest - stepping out, not being drawn is good, don't fight, but you need to propose this ends somehow, because it won't go away on its own.

[Suzn]

I just have a feeling without detachment, it'll be a horrible ordeal. So I started yesterday. Hopefully by the time I can get a rational reason to file he won't care anymore and won't put up a fight.

Can you clarify, I'm not sure I'm following. Your detachment or his? What did you "start"? Domestic violence is a completely rational reason to separate so that EVERYONE is safe first and foremost. Lost, your husband is under the influence of drugs, prescription or not, they are still drugs. Which means, BPD aside, he is not thinking clearly nor will he be capable of thinking clearly till he is a sober individual. The potential for serious consequences, since the violence is escalating, is there.

[wishfulthinking]

I've started detachment. I believe at this time if I kicked him out it would escalate more. I think he would be the kind who would cause issues like at work and an OP would not stop him. I could be wrong. But at this point, I'm not sure which is worse? Laying low and making him want to leave and taking a chance on him raging to this degree again... .or kicking him out and pretty much guaranteeing problems including rages and chancing getting I n trouble at work. I need my job, been there 10 years, they frown upon things like that as its a public state job... .

[Suzn]

How can a person be so mean?

He's using drugs, he's high.

Laying low and making him want to leave

Lost, you would want to leave if what you were experiencing your plan for "making him want to leave", follow me? You are expecting him to think clearly here, you are expecting him to do what you would do if the tables were turned. He is not you, it is very obvious that he doesn't think like you do.

A DV counselor can help you with a plan and from everything I've read it's free to talk with one. Knowledge is power, they can help you with options.

[123Phoebe]

and chancing getting I n trouble at work. I need my job, been there 10 years, they frown upon things like that as its a public state job... .

If you're serious about wanting out of this marriage, can you explain your circumstances to your higher-ups?  I would imagine they 'frown upon' missed days of work due to busted lips, as well.

Lostinparadise, you are in a very volatile situation and it's not only your life that's being compromised.  The tentacles of abuse are far reaching.  You are suffering, your daughter suffers, your work suffers and your H suffers too, as his behavior is allowed to continue... .

I hear a lot of FOG coming through your words (Fear Obligation Guilt).  Might be time to wave that FOG away and get super clear on how you want the rest of your life to continue... .

As a victim of abuse?  Or as a survivor and thriver?  You are in charge of your future!

Please call a DV hotline to get some real guidance on how to move forward

 

[wishfulthinking]

I will call them.  I'm trying to make sense out of nonsense and I know that's not how it works.  Just shock, I guess.  I'm thinking a bit clearer today.  I just can't believe this is my life... .

Thanks for your support during all my chaos and confusion.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

We re all here for you!

Will you let us know how it goes?

[Jbt857]

Laying low and making him want to leave

Lost, you would want to leave if what you were experiencing your plan for "making him want to leave", follow me? You are expecting him to think clearly here, you are expecting him to do what you would do if the tables were turned. He is not you, it is very obvious that he doesn't think like you do.

This is true. My exBPDh would never have left unless I forced the issue. You can't expect he will, however bad the atmosphere is. You could be stuck there for years, hoping it goes away, and as a parent, you can't let that be an option.

Don't beat up on yourself that this is your life. It's your life now. Not your life forever.

I can't even tell you how amazing it felt when he left. Of course it was sad and there was adjustment etc, but the sheer stress relief of not having to walk on eggshells anymore or trying to second guess his mood was immense. I literally felt the knot in my stomach unravelling day by day.

[Surnia]

Hi lostinparadise

its your life now, its not easy to accept. 

You can change it, its not to late. Hang in there!

[slimmiller]

I thought he would actually leave and I'd made an appt with my lawyer but had to miss it because I couldn't leave safely. He's very strong. He claims he blacked out due to pills and beer. In a nutshell, very lost right now. Afraid to make him leave. I own the house and he moved in with me.

He is not functioning as a rational person which is very obvious. With that and the pills he is also very dangerous. I think its very important that you document, document some more. Protect yourself and allow the police to see it. That will help you. No one has to tolerate that! You dont deserve it.

Have you read 'Splitting'? If not you should.


Also keep in mind that he is ill. This helped me immensly in making decisions and help me come to terms with that fact. Mine was never physically violent though.