Newly Diagnosed, suspicions confirmed, but now what?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, 

It's been awhile since I posted.  I found the board late last year and my original post with the background situation was earlier this year.   I've been in a very tumultuous relationship for a couple years now with a man I highly suspected of having BPD (starting last year I began suspecting it).  Our relationship is long distance for part of the year, and I was planning to relocate more permanently to his location.  Over the summer I've not yet returned to where he is which adds another layer to the situation of course.  I will be returning there shortly, but he's been very impatient about it.

I've been playing the waiting game for quite some time in this relationship, as far as being able to have a relationship with him full time and in real time, and also having my needs met.  I have a lot of resentment built up as I have walked away several times and have allowed myself to be drawn back into the relationship time and again for more of the same, just as many of you here.  For awhile I had been triangulated with an ex wife (tons of resentment over things that occurred during this time).  That seems to be done now.  However, the ups and downs and merry go rounds continue with the moods and temper.

During the last split, I told him I was finished and stopped communicating with him.  After his attempts to re-engage did not work, he went to a therapist and was tested.  Diagnosis confirmed.  He sent me a message thanking me and telling me no matter what happened with us he would always be grateful to me for giving him the push to do it.  He now realizes what's been happening with him all his life.  Used the acronym BPD, and of course I didn't need it explained to me.  I was shocked.    1. because he did it.  2. because it was what I suspected, because until it's diagnosed you're still guessing if you're right or not.  And I've been going through a whole slew of emotions ever since. 

I did start dialogue with him after this.  I thought maybe, just maybe there is hope and he is serious.  And I felt immensely proud of him for having the guts to face it and do it. 

Things were going pretty smoothly (for another week or so... .)  Until he got in a really, really foul mood again a few days ago and implied he'd be out and unavailable, was tired of being alone.  I tried to keep it light and hoped it would pass.  Probably didn't use the tools as well as I could have.  Anyway he continued and said some emotionally abusive things / manipulative things right at the end of the phone conversation, more or less implied he might be out "looking" and unavailable later, and it put me right over the edge.  I hung up the phone, and didn't respond back after that.  A couple hours later, it seemed his mood had passed, and my trying to lighten him up left him thinking I'd be okay and ignore what he'd said.  Well, I didn't.  It completely triggered me and I just shut down, wouldn't answer the phone and got a slew of nasty text messages. Accusing me of failure to communicate, etc.  I ignored all of it for a couple days. 

Then, I sent some texts back telling him I'm not putting up with it anymore, etc. I'm trying to do so in a way that focuses on the behavior as opposed to engaging back in a rage at him over what he does.  I get anxiety from dealing with him and doing this over and over.   I will not do name calling and some of the other nasty cutting type comments as he does, but I do get angry.  I try to state my position and my boundaries.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm jading even when I'm doing this... .it gets confusing.

I've tried to enforce a boundary with him and simply told him I won't accept his rages or abusive verbal assaults and break ups and stay in the relationship nor stay in touch with him.   (he breaks up with me once or twice a month in anger via text and never means it, but I don't care if he means it or not, I don't want to deal with it as I find it abusive and hurtful)

So, since his diagnosis, he really doesn't openly discuss BPD now.  He's doing exercises he was given and I don't think long term therapy was recommended from what I'm being told.     (by him).

I've been reading about co-dependency, seeing where I've gotten lost in this relationship and trying to understand why and heal myself.  I realize I'm doing the "sacrifice myself" kind of love thing expecting him to validate and love me back and have given him approval power in that way.  I've been seeking fulfillment and validation by being a caretaker of sorts.  Putting up with more than I should etc.  And getting really frustrated, hurt and down over it. 

I see it, I'm seeing my part in it. (starting)  I'm just trying to decide where to go from here now. 

I feel if I stay trying in a relationship I'd need to see him committing to really working on therapy and doing DBT.   Honestly at this point, I don't even know if I can commit to trying to continue this, and so therefore haven't even approached it with him right now.

I care about him immensely.  He can be wonderful, funny, insightful caring loving generous person when he's not in the throws of his moods or angry.  And for the most part can be a very good friend inspite of some pretty selfish tendencies.  He does the BPD dance. We have great chemistry and our physical relationship is very satisfying when we're together.  It's a love it, hate it kind of thing.  Want to take the good and not have the bad.  Just like so many others on here.  We talked about going to counseling together more than once.  I was hesitant because of the suspected BPD, and felt it needed to be addressed first. Now I wonder if it would help.  I've done a lot of the reading here on communicating, validation, SET, DEARMAN, radical acceptance and do need to review some  of it again.

I don't quite know where to go from here.  I'm trying to focus on myself right now and healing me.  I'm not in formal therapy, have considered it. Traveling and being in different parts of the country at different times of the year makes it hard to establish a therapeutic relationship with a practitioner and has been a deterrent for me.   I've been reading about Margaret Pauls courses online and am going to try them.  I'm committed to getting happy and healthy regardless of what happens with him.

I guess I'm looking for insight right now from others who may have been here.  At a certain point I'd given up and felt it was all too abusive to continue in any kind of relationship with him.   I never expected him to go for help nor get diagnosed.  Now though, I wonder if it really matters or will change things and am trying to sort it out for myself.  My thoughts are all over the place right now.   Sorry for the eye bleeding post.

[Seashells]

Hi, 

It's been awhile since I posted.  I found the board late last year and my original post with the background situation was earlier this year.   I've been in a very tumultuous relationship for a couple years now with a man I highly suspected of having BPD (starting last year I began suspecting it).  Our relationship is long distance for part of the year, and I was planning to relocate more permanently to his location.  Over the summer I've not yet returned to where he is which adds another layer to the situation of course.  I will be returning there shortly, but he's been very impatient about it.

I've been playing the waiting game for quite some time in this relationship, as far as being able to have a relationship with him full time and in real time, and also having my needs met.  I have a lot of resentment built up as I have walked away several times and have allowed myself to be drawn back into the relationship time and again for more of the same, just as many of you here.  For awhile I had been triangulated with an ex wife (tons of resentment over things that occurred during this time).  That seems to be done now.  However, the ups and downs and merry go rounds continue with the moods and temper.

During the last split, I told him I was finished and stopped communicating with him.  After his attempts to re-engage did not work, he went to a therapist and was tested.  Diagnosis confirmed.  He sent me a message thanking me and telling me no matter what happened with us he would always be grateful to me for giving him the push to do it.  He now realizes what's been happening with him all his life.  Used the acronym BPD, and of course I didn't need it explained to me.  I was shocked.    1. because he did it.  2. because it was what I suspected, because until it's diagnosed you're still guessing if you're right or not.  And I've been going through a whole slew of emotions ever since. 

I did start dialogue with him after this.  I thought maybe, just maybe there is hope and he is serious.  And I felt immensely proud of him for having the guts to face it and do it. 

Things were going pretty smoothly (for another week or so... .)  Until he got in a really, really foul mood again a few days ago and implied he'd be out and unavailable, was tired of being alone.  I tried to keep it light and hoped it would pass.  Probably didn't use the tools as well as I could have.  Anyway he continued and said some emotionally abusive things / manipulative things right at the end of the phone conversation, more or less implied he might be out "looking" and unavailable later, and it put me right over the edge.  I hung up the phone, and didn't respond back after that.  A couple hours later, it seemed his mood had passed, and my trying to lighten him up left him thinking I'd be okay and ignore what he'd said.  Well, I didn't.  It completely triggered me and I just shut down, wouldn't answer the phone and got a slew of nasty text messages. Accusing me of failure to communicate, etc.  I ignored all of it for a couple days. 

Then, I sent some texts back telling him I'm not putting up with it anymore, etc. I'm trying to do so in a way that focuses on the behavior as opposed to engaging back in a rage at him over what he does.  I get anxiety from dealing with him and doing this over and over.   I will not do name calling and some of the other nasty cutting type comments as he does, but I do get angry.  I try to state my position and my boundaries.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm jading even when I'm doing this... .it gets confusing.

I've tried to enforce a boundary with him and simply told him I won't accept his rages or abusive verbal assaults and break ups and stay in the relationship nor stay in touch with him.   (he breaks up with me once or twice a month in anger via text and never means it, but I don't care if he means it or not, I don't want to deal with it as I find it abusive and hurtful)

So, since his diagnosis, he really doesn't openly discuss BPD now.  He's doing exercises he was given and I don't think long term therapy was recommended from what I'm being told.     (by him).

I've been reading about co-dependency, seeing where I've gotten lost in this relationship and trying to understand why and heal myself.  I realize I'm doing the "sacrifice myself" kind of love thing expecting him to validate and love me back and have given him approval power in that way.  I've been seeking fulfillment and validation by being a caretaker of sorts.  Putting up with more than I should etc.  And getting really frustrated, hurt and down over it. 

I see it, I'm seeing my part in it. (starting)  I'm just trying to decide where to go from here now. 

I feel if I stay trying in a relationship I'd need to see him committing to really working on therapy and doing DBT.   Honestly at this point, I don't even know if I can commit to trying to continue this, and so therefore haven't even approached it with him right now.

I care about him immensely.  He can be wonderful, funny, insightful caring loving generous person when he's not in the throws of his moods or angry.  And for the most part can be a very good friend inspite of some pretty selfish tendencies.  He does the BPD dance. We have great chemistry and our physical relationship is very satisfying when we're together.  It's a love it, hate it kind of thing.  Want to take the good and not have the bad.  Just like so many others on here.  We talked about going to counseling together more than once.  I was hesitant because of the suspected BPD, and felt it needed to be addressed first. Now I wonder if it would help.  I've done a lot of the reading here on communicating, validation, SET, DEARMAN, radical acceptance and do need to review some  of it again.

I don't quite know where to go from here.  I'm trying to focus on myself right now and healing me.  I'm not in formal therapy, have considered it. Traveling and being in different parts of the country at different times of the year makes it hard to establish a therapeutic relationship with a practitioner and has been a deterrent for me.   I've been reading about Margaret Pauls courses online and am going to try them.  I'm committed to getting happy and healthy regardless of what happens with him.

I guess I'm looking for insight right now from others who may have been here.  At a certain point I'd given up and felt it was all too abusive to continue in any kind of relationship with him.   I never expected him to go for help nor get diagnosed.  Now though, I wonder if it really matters or will change things and am trying to sort it out for myself.  My thoughts are all over the place right now.   Sorry for the eye bleeding post.

[Surnia]

Hi sheashells

A special moment to have a confirmation about what you suspected! And he is not in permanent denial, he went to a T, this is good.

About the future: I would take it really slow. Focusing on yourself is a path. This book could be interesting for you: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

And meanwhile you can see what is he doing regarding his diagnose. If he is really interesting in making it better with T or not.

I hope this helps a bit.

[Seashells]

Surnia,

Thank you for responding to my very loong post.  I appreciate the support and reading suggestion.

The situation is a standstill with barely any contact.  I wanted "instant pudding". Hoping he'd get ongoing help.  Finding myself less tolerant of taking the brunt of his moods.   I went silent instead of saying I'd be back to talk.  We're both standing our ground in not really making contact to talk, he did make short text to me. I was curt, polite, short.  Like we're both moving on.  I hate leaving things said in anger and actions taken in anger.

You said, "And meanwhile you can see what is he doing regarding his diagnose".   There is no real communication right now.

Today, I feel like reaching out, but I'm afraid of being hurt again right now.  He dismissed my concerns instead of apologizing and in his view I over reacted to his reaction.  Blah    Said I was "beating him up".   I'm afraid he's gone ahead with meeting someone else, or perhaps trying to bounce back to the ex.

I don't want to be in a relationship where fidelity is held over my head if his needs aren't met.   And I don't want to be broken up with every time he gets frustrated, words hurt.

I don't feel confidence he's capable of following through to not do these things anymore, even though he'd probably say he would, and wants to believe he can in the moment.  Nor am I confident he'd tell me if he's already out testing the waters with other women.   Trust has been broken and I've been very hurt by past actions and reactions.

Am I allowing him to break boundaries just by talking to him?  I feel confused.  (and it seems counter productive for me to deal with things this way, I don't feel good about the silent treatment, but it's all I know to take the time out and go silent when I can't handle his behavior.)  I'm not sure how to correct it from my end at this point.  Nor if I should try.  At the same time I feel if I don't reach out then it's just going to get worse.    I don't know what to do right now.  :'(

I'm not sure if the situation is salvageable; if I feel I'd just be going back for more of the same then it's probably best for me to try to get through this and get on with it.  All of the unknowns... .