Finally doing it, Scared completely

[Knowingishalf]

I have been back and forth here many times on these boards just completely lost and looking for anything to help right the ship.  I have finally consulted a lawyer, and I am not sure what to do now.  His advice was to just leave with our child to get them out of the house and force her to file for custody.  I am afraid this will backfire and I will lose the only joy I have in my life.  His argument is that if I leave them with her then I will have a harder time to work to get them back.  And when she files we will demand a Psych eval before proceeding, which she would have a hard time funding or even going.  I am just really worried that this will make it so much harder to make sure I can protect my child from my wife for the long haul.  Anyone here have any advice.  Lets put it this way my bags are ready to go and I won't look back at this disaster of a house/marriage, but they way she treats my daughter is dangerous, and I don't trust her in her care.  I mean is dinner optional, ugh.  I am so distraught currently I can see my veins in my temples all day long... .

I guess what I am asking is taking my daughter with me as bad an idea as I think it may be?

[ts919]

I'm in no position to offer any legal advice, but buddy, if your daughter is in danger, get her out of there.  I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are in right now... .that's not an easy decision to have to make. 

Please keep us updated as to what happens.  Just remember, safety first. 

[suffering_parent]

Why wouldn't you just file for custody?   You should be able to file an emergency custody order if they are in danger.

[nevaeh]

I was just reading through some of your older posts from last year and from what you wrote previously, I have to wonder if your wife would even want to have custody of your daughter?  It seems as though, from what you said, that she doesn't interact with her and doesn't seem to show much, if any, affection towards her. 

Based on what you have shared, I have to agree with the others that it sounds like the best option is to leave with your daughter and let your wife work from her end to get custody.  I just wonder if she would try that hard to get her back?  I am the wife of a uBPDh, but from the sounds of it he is not nearly as bad as your W.  I have 3 kids (D16, S12, and S9) and my H has a particularly bad relationship with our S12.  It has been going on since S12 was about two.  He is a high maintenance child (diagnosed with ADD, anxiety, and depression when he was in 3rd grade).  S12 is MUCH better now, but he and H have a very strained relationship.  H has been borderline physically abusive with S12 since he was about 2-2.5, and has definitely been verbally/emotionally abusive with him over the years.  I, like you, have stayed because I felt I needed to be there at all time to protect my son and I was concerned with what would happen during any likely visitation situations.  My H appears to the outside world to be a great guy... .good job, nice house, very successful kids in school and athletics, nice, helpful, etc.  My kids are old enough now that if asked by a judge, they would be able to articulate why they want limited visitation with H. 

In your case, I can see where you have concerns about your wife getting custody.  I can't even imagine being the husband/dad dealing with a BPDw.  Hopefully you have continued to document during the past year and I hope you have enough to show that she is an unfit mother who should have limited, if any, visitation/custody of your daughter.

I am hoping to leave H during the next couple of months.  My H goes through long periods where he is "good" and we are in the middle of one of those now, making it difficult for me to feel like I can move ahead with separation.  I, like you, have very physical reactions to H's behavior or reactions to things that I know will trigger him.  Just this morning S12 got yelled at because he was laying in the shower with the water running on him.  H came in and told me he yelled at S12 and that he will start taking his showers before bed from now on so he can monitor what he is doing.  I went up to S12's bathroom about 10 minutes later and he was still laying in the bathtub, sulking, and refusing to get out of the tub.  I immediately started having problems breathing and feeling like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack because S12 was refusing to get out of the tub.  I told him that if he didn't get out and his dad came up to check on him again that he would get in more trouble and S12 said he didn't care.  I was literally panicked at the thought of H coming upstairs and finding S12 still laying in the bathtub.  H ended up staying away from S12 the rest of the morning, which was probably a conscious decision on H's part, but I literally thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest until the moment S12 and I left for school/work.

I digress... .I just hope that you are able to get out with your daughter safely and that your wife doesn't try to get custody of her.  For what it's worth, I have also met with a lawyer a couple of different times and she has always told me that I should never leave the kids behind if I leave H as that could be seen as abandonment and it could be a mark against me in custody issues.  I would never leave my kids with H if I were to leave him so that's not an issue for me, but I think it's not only smart but safe to take your daughter with you.

I wish you the best.

Javamom

[ts919]

Javamom - just reading your experience this morning started giving me that same heart-thumping sensation... .I was panicked for you!  I'm like "please don't come back upstairs, please don't!"  I'm not trying to make light of the situation, just letting you know that I know that experience all to well myself and i feel your pain.

Knowingishalf - there is some good advice here from javamom.  Keep your daughter (and yourself) safe. 

[Knowingishalf]

Thank you for the replies.  I understand how you feel Javamom, I think I really do.  I have those same don't come back up here moments every day.  My daughter is much younger and she gets messy when she eats but she(my daughter) and I are terrified that my wife will see her get food on her shirt.  My wife will lose her mind when clothes get dirty, that she asks to eat dinner with out her shirt on a lot.  She is terrified of mommies anger... .And frankly so am I.  The part that took me so long was the struggling between when she is being slightly good and passable as a person and when she is back the the norm of the insane rages.

Ok so I spoke to some law enforcement, if I do it right, and let them know when I am taking her there is nothing that they will do I have equal rights and with no custody agreement in place can do what I want.  I will keep struggling with this, some how my stress has turned in to ear pain weird right?

Oh and thank you for taking the time to go back and read some of my other posts, I can't say they were coherent much as I am usually pretty upset when I find my way back here.

[livednlearned]

.

[livednlearned]

Knowingishalf,

I left N/BPDx and took my son 3 years ago. Best thing I have ever done in my life. This awful dread you feel will start to dissipate, and your D will be able to heal once she's in a stable, loving home with you. Yes, there will be times she has to see her mom without you to protect her, and it was be difficult, but when you leave, she will at least have time to recover and learn what a stable, safe home feels like. It takes (too) long for the court to do the right thing, but it will happen. Document everything. Everything.

I consulted an L who told me it was possible N/BPDx could say I abandoned the marital home, but that my first priority was to keep myself an my son (then 8) safe. She said to make sure I maintained contact for S and N/BPDx if I left so that he could not accuse me of kidnapping or alienation.

Short version: I left abruptly and did not disclose my location for 4 months. The first night I left, I emailed N/BPDx to say "S8 is with me, he is safe. We are not coming home because of your anger. S8 will call you tomorrow night at 7pm, and at the same time every night."

That set off the proverbial bomb. But N/BPDx is very narcissistic and didn't really want S8, so when it came time to mediate custody, I ended up with majority time without a fight.

Make sure you read Bill Eddy's Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse. Lots of us here recommend it, as well as Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak, which is about parental alienation (high-conflict divorce and parental alienation tend to go hand-in-hand). I also recommend Don't Alienate the Kids, also by Bill Eddy. That book helps you recognize that your reactions to your ex are being modeled for your D. We need to set an example for them about how we deal with difficult feelings, because that's how they learn. Tough thing to do in the midst of a high-conflict divorce, but it will help your D cope with the extreme stress she may experience. Last, I recommend Power of Validation -- your D is going to have some pretty big feelings and validating her is how you help her recover from the abuse.

I'm relieved that you're leaving while your child is young. I waited until S was 8, and wish I did it sooner. He is seeing a T and I now have sole custody. He only sees his N/BPD dad 16 hours a month. That, and being in a loving, stable home, has been a miracle for that kid. He's thriving.

People here are wonderful. We've been in your shoes and know the feelings well, and I have found the advice here to be priceless. Hang in there -- it will be super tough for a while, but it does get better. And then it will one day feel great. Your D is so lucky to have you.



LnL

[catnap]

What your attorney advised is somewhat similar to what my son's attorney advised.  His attorney served his gf with a TRO on behalf of his daughter and sole custody hearing papers.

Kind of surprised your attorney didn't mention getting a protective order for your daughter. 

[ForeverDad]

You did well by seeking both legal advice as well as discussing the matter with the local police.  No one (except your spouse) will criticize you for seeking the help and authority of court first.  Be forewarned that if your spouse goes to court first then she will claim to be the target and victim and her gender will predispose the court to give her default preference, thus making your struggle for meaningful custody and parenting an even more difficult uphill struggle.

The police are correct, until there is an order from the court you both have equal but unspecified parental rights.  One way to phrase it is that the police won't force either of you to give up the child to the other without a written court order.  However, be aware an uninformed officer could pressure you to "let the child go back to the mother since a child need his/her mother" - yeah but a child needs father too!  In my case I couldn't leave and take the child since he wasn't in school yet and while I was working I would have had to leave my child with a sitter or daycare and without an order stating otherwise my spouse could have come in and legally demanded her' child.

The quandary you are facing is whether to take action proactively and risk it not working out well versus being passive and risk it not working out well.  Do you see the difference?  It's not the what-if outcome so much as whether you will be pro-active or passive, assertive or defensive.

The problem with being passive and reactive, hoping things won't get much worse, is that she will be taking the lead, controlling the conflict, guiding the parental modeling to your child and you will always be playing catch-up.  Yes, admittedly even if you are proactive a positive outcome is not guaranteed but the point is that when you are proactive and have strategies in place for predictable contingencies then YOU are making the decisions and YOU are guiding your life.  Ponder that.

[Free One]

Gosh, that is a scary place to be. It sounds like you have taken proactive steps to protect yourself legally. I guess it comes down to this: Do you trust your lawyer and have you been completely open and honest with him/her about everything? If so, then I would take the L's advice and leave. Sometimes we nons end up in a place where we no longer trust ourselves and have to take a leap of faith that the professionals in our lives know what they are doing.

On the other hand, do you not trust your lawyer? If that's the case, then time to shop for a new one who can make you feel confident about your actions.

[momtara]

You can get a few more free legal consultations if you are unsure.  Sounds like this is a good idea, though, from what I've read above.

[Knowingishalf]

Thanks again everyone, I happen to have a client in my day job that is also a family lawyer I was thinking of seeking a second consultation with them as I already have a working relationship with them.  I am still frozen between decisions, but then I keep hearing that rush song, if you chose not to decide then you have still made a choice... .

I wish it was more cut and dry.

[momtara]

Be smart, be quiet, and plan carefully.  I understand your terror - every decision made during a divorce has big implications.  I am terrified of these decisions too.  I understand.

[Knowingishalf]

I don't know what is more frightening being in this house or knowing I could be free in 10 days... .I am just scared blind currently I can't even focus on my work at all... .why must it be this difficult?  I have struggled with this for ages, years really... .Why must I care about her.  Arrrr Thank you again to everone.

[love4meNOTu]

I was terrified too.

All I can tell you is what I did. I shut down completely, didn't respond to this attacks in the final weeks. This had the unfortunate effect of making him step up his abuse, to try to get a reaction out of me.

I ended up calling the police when I was so afraid of his rage that I thought he would hit me, or worse, my son would try to protect me and interject.

He left a week after I called the police. I stood up to the bully, and he backed down, completely.

He signed the dissolution papers with few if any disagreements. Again, the bully backed down.

It helped that he is financially dissolute, and full of pride.

[catnap]

Fear was the overriding emotion my son felt also.  He had witnessed the rages, the fear that his daughter would be hidden from him, but it also motivated him to get out for his daughter's sake.  He said after being out a few weeks that he was no longer walking around with his shoulders hunched in a defensive posture (it was pointed out to him his posture changed), colors were brighter and his physical odd illness symptoms slowly disappeared. 

I am glad you have another family lawyer that you can consult. 

[livednlearned]

The feeling of walking into a home where you don't feel that knot of dread is priceless. It is so much better over here on the other side. Yes, her raging will continue, but you will be in your safe home, you and your daughter, no longer in that frightening environment all the time, wondering what your W will do next. I still soak it in, that wonderful feeling of walking into my own home, just me, my son, and all that amazing peacefulness.

I remember the first few months when we were in our dumpy little apartment, and S12 broke a glass. S12 burst into tears and ran into his room out of habit. I came to the door and said gently, "It's ok. It's just a glass. I'm glad you didn't get hurt." S12 didn't come out for a while, and I could hear him crying, so I tapped again and said it, "He's not here sweetie. It's just us."

He came out and we hugged. We didn't need to say anything, we just soaked up how it felt to make a simple mistake and move on.

[eeyore]

He came out and we hugged. We didn't need to say anything, we just soaked up how it felt to make a simple mistake and move on.

I read your earlier response in addition to this one.  Your sharing your experience is invaluable to those here going through similar challenges.  While I am not having this experience I can still tell you how appreciative I am. 

[MovingOnForLife]

The feeling of walking into a home where you don't feel that knot of dread is priceless. It is so much better over here on the other side. Yes, her raging will continue, but you will be in your safe home, you and your daughter, no longer in that frightening environment all the time, wondering what your W will do next. I still soak it in, that wonderful feeling of walking into my own home, just me, my son, and all that amazing peacefulness.

I remember the first few months when we were in our dumpy little apartment, and S12 broke a glass. S12 burst into tears and ran into his room out of habit. I came to the door and said gently, "It's ok. It's just a glass. I'm glad you didn't get hurt." S12 didn't come out for a while, and I could hear him crying, so I tapped again and said it, "He's not here sweetie. It's just us."

He came out and we hugged. We didn't need to say anything, we just soaked up how it felt to make a simple mistake and move on.

This made me cry.  The peace and quite is exactly what keeps my going when I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I keep telling my kids that one day soon we will have a quite, Peaceful home.  I can't wait.

[ForeverDad]

For me the "peace and quiet" that first night was thundering loud.

KnowingIsHalf, yes, so true, if you chose not to decide then you have still made a choice... . to let someone else make one for you.

[Waddams]

I guess what I am asking is taking my daughter with me as bad an idea as I think it may be?

I think that if you leave and don't take her, your actions are setting you up later to have to answer the question "if you knew she would be in danger, why did you leave her?"  Or responding to something to the effect of "you clearly don't really believe your STBXx is dangerous otherwise you wouldn't have left your DD there with her."

My SO's XH actually had full custody of their kids at one point.  He was abusing the kids, and the abuse was escalating.  The kids started turning up with bruises from being beaten with a fireplace shovel.  The kids were all terrified of going back to him.  They thought the next night was going to be worse.  So, with no authority, no legal standing, no court orders, nothing at all, SO collected her kids from school.  She had to intimidate the school people into releasing them to her because her XH had come by with copies of the orders and told them SO couldn't pick them up.  It was a late Friday, no court offices open, no way to get anything filed for emergency hearings in the local family court, etc. 

So she told her L to get a filing in as soon as she could, took the kids, and boogied out of state.  Her actions could have been held legally as kidnapping.  Definitely in contempt of the current court orders at the time.

She hid out until the hearing, showed up, and they argued it out, where she presented evidence of his abuse towards her when they were married (which she as able to trick opposing counsel into admitting because it otherwise would have been inadmissable), and also evidence of his abuse towards the kids.  He claimed she was unstable, lying, etc.  She left that courtroom with temporary orders granting her temporary custody and child support orders, and the judge actually wrote in the judgement that her XH's testimony was found not credible (exact words, judge went beyond and basically wrote that the XH was lying). 

I think the Family Court will recognize that your actions in leaving with the child are necessary for the child's well being, as long as you can properly document it.   I also think that in a future custody fight, it will be to your advantage to be able to definitively show that your actions have always been for your DD's benefit, and taking her and removing her from a dangerous situation (or even unhealthy/neglectful situation) speaks for itself.  Also, if nothing else, one day your DD will be grown up and you want to be certain that you can look her in the eye and truthfully tell her you did everything you did for her, including doing things that involved personal risks and sacrifices.

Just my humble opinion, but if you and your DD are actually in a state of danger, then leave. 

[livednlearned]

I guess what I am asking is taking my daughter with me as bad an idea as I think it may be?

I think that if you leave and don't take her, your actions are setting you up later to have to answer the question "if you knew she would be in danger, why did you leave her?"  Or responding to something to the effect of "you clearly don't really believe your STBXx is dangerous otherwise you wouldn't have left your DD there with her."  

That's the advice I got from my L. Good advice from Waddams.

My L said if I waited too much longer to leave, the court would question my judgment, and I would start to look like a troubled parent.

If you consistently look out for the well-being of your D, court will give you the benefit of the doubt. Then, what follows is the slow slog of amassing enough proof that you are the stable parent.

[eeyore]

I guess what I am asking is taking my daughter with me as bad an idea as I think it may be?

I think that if you leave and don't take her, your actions are setting you up later to have to answer the question "if you knew she would be in danger, why did you leave her?"  Or responding to something to the effect of "you clearly don't really believe your STBXx is dangerous otherwise you wouldn't have left your DD there with her."  

That's the advice I got from my L. Good advice from Waddams.

My L said if I waited too much longer to leave, the court would question my judgment, and I would start to look like a troubled parent.

If you consistently look out for the well-being of your D, court will give you the benefit of the doubt. Then, what follows is the slow slog of amassing enough proof that you are the stable parent.

I agree with the points you make.  I suspect for Half it's not just a question of what the court will think.  I think Half is worried about the FOG from his wife.  However, he has to put his DD best interest before his feelings about how his wife will react.  Easy to say not so easy to do.  I suspect he's going through the 5 stages of grief and in his mind he is at the bargaining stage trying to give his wife something so that the FOG isn't so daunting. Could that be the case?

[livednlearned]

I guess what I am asking is taking my daughter with me as bad an idea as I think it may be?

I think that if you leave and don't take her, your actions are setting you up later to have to answer the question "if you knew she would be in danger, why did you leave her?"  Or responding to something to the effect of "you clearly don't really believe your STBXx is dangerous otherwise you wouldn't have left your DD there with her."  

That's the advice I got from my L. Good advice from Waddams.

My L said if I waited too much longer to leave, the court would question my judgment, and I would start to look like a troubled parent.

If you consistently look out for the well-being of your D, court will give you the benefit of the doubt. Then, what follows is the slow slog of amassing enough proof that you are the stable parent.

I agree with the points you make.  I suspect for Half it's not just a question of what the court will think.  I think Half is worried about the FOG from his wife.  However, he has to put his DD best interest before his feelings about how his wife will react.  Easy to say not so easy to do.  I suspect he's going through the 5 stages of grief and in his mind he is at the bargaining stage trying to give his wife something so that the FOG isn't so daunting. Could that be the case?

That's such a good point.

FOG stuff goes through really wild things once the court stuff starts, in my experience. Sometimes we see the abuse more clearly when it's inflicted on the kids, and that's why we leave, and in my case, it was what my L said that pierced my FOG. It seems like the FOG gets super painful and confusing when we're torn between obligation to our kids, and obligation to our spouses, but when an L channels how the judge or court perceives the situation, there is this almost panicky moment of clarity. I wish I could say that I left N/BPDx because I knew he was abusive, but the sad truth is that I probably would still be in the r/s if i didn't see how the trauma was manifesting in my son.

[Knowingishalf]

The FOG is a lot of it for me I have to admit it, you guys are pretty astute.  I haven't left to date given some of that, I was always staying to be the shield 24 7 between my wife and my child, I only recently discovered I have been her shield between her and the world as well... .I have to just get the date set and get out let the cards fall where they will.

[Abigayle]

Hi. I am 3 months in after leaving my dBPDh with our 4 yr old daughter. I tried to do it like "normal" people would at first and allow visitation, but it was a mess. He didn't care for her when he had her (no basic care eg athsma medicine, picked up next day in clothes from day before, hungry, no nap, saying "I don't need a moomy I'm a big girl" he sent texts while he had her that he "could change the locks and keep her since I had abandoned the home" (he innitally asked for the seperation... .or an open marriage) So I took my dad, got my d, andwent to a lawyer. I was advised to file for emergency custody. I have not communicated with him since except through lawyers and breifly at the court house. He has refused to settle an arrangement outside of court and is planning on taking me to court in hopes of getting 50/50 I think. He has already told his lawyer some really horrible things about me - some outright lies and some really twisted truth.  I am sure he plans to say I am alienating but hopefully the pages of texts and multiple refusals to agree to anything in the 2 mediations and 3 court dates we have attended so far will show how impossible and unstable he is being.

Bottom line, I'm a few months ahead of you. Its pretty horrible but every day I am further away from the abuse and it becomes so much clearer. I can't believe I lived the way I did for so long.

I would encourage you to also look into filing first. Everyone has told me that my having filed first is to my advantage and everyone is right when they say it will be even harder for you being the dad. Go ahead and have documentation ready. Written statements from you and others both of her behavior and your parenting. My lawyer didn't quite know what he was dealing with until he read my journals. When you make this move you can hold nothing back. You must mentally lay to rest the side of you that wants to help her because she will exploit it. Doing what you are considering doing is waging war with someone you both love and fear and what you stand to loose is more dear to you than your own life - I can't imagine anything harder.

Be prepared for a counter suite, lies and alegations that will make you sick to your stomach, doubting yourself to the point you feel you can't move, and looking at your child and feeling such guilt for not being able to give them a different story. Get a good therapist who understands BPD and stay strong. When I doubt myself I try to picture the worst incident that involved my daughter and tell myself, "this is what you are protecting her from."

[ForeverDad]

I was always staying to be the shield 24 7 between my wife and my child, I only recently discovered I have been her shield between her and the world as well... .

So many of us did that.  But the fact is that most of us couldn't couldn't be there 24/7 because we had to sleep, go off to work for 9-10 hours most days, go shopping, etc.  It turned out that staying didn't work, it set a poor relationship example for our children to model and we didn't provide them a peaceful place to relax and feel safe and calm for at least part of their lives.

With education about personality disorders, communication skills and proper boundaries we are able to make more informed and more confident decisions.

[nevaeh]

The FOG is a lot of it for me I have to admit it, you guys are pretty astute.  I haven't left to date given some of that, I was always staying to be the shield 24 7 between my wife and my child, I only recently discovered I have been her shield between her and the world as well... .

This is so true for me as well.  My uBPDh can't deal with any kind of "drama", particularly when it comes to kids.  If the kids are having issues with teachers, coaches, classmates, etc., they know that we deal with those things when dad isn't around because he usually gets really mad and emotional about whatever.  I don't get him involved because I don't want him to do or say something stupid that would actually blow back and affect my kids at school, in public.  I find that I also try to "manipulate" certain situations so that H either doesn't know about them or so that the turmoil is minimized.  I would love to have another adult/partner to bounce things off of regarding how to handle certain things but I am afraid to get H too involved.  I know others will relate to this statement, but H is just very INTENSE about everything.  I think only in the past few months have I realized how much I manage certain situations to keep him from getting involved.  I think I'm subconsciously protecting him from the world but also consciously protecting me and my kids from how his reactions might impact us publicly.

Knowingishalf... .your situation seems much more imminent than mine, but I have stayed with my H also to be the shield between him and my kids (S12 in particular) and it has worked OK but we have had a lot of knock down, drag out fights over H's treatment of S12 and unfortunately some of those fights took place in front of kids or within earshot of kids.  Our latest incident in which H got physical with S12 was last Christmas and I told H that if he ever laid a hand on S12 again that I would take the kids and leave.  I wish I could stop the verbal/emotional abuse but that is something H simply cannot or will not do - it isn't constant but H just makes mean comments to S12 sometimes... .comments that I know really hurt S12.  I do feel like I should have left many years ago to protect my kids from H's tyrades and mood swings.  I so completely empathize with your situation especially given how young your daughter is.  I really hope you are able to leave with your daughter soon and that this will all work out for you and her and that you are able to keep your little girl safe.

Best of luck... .

[livednlearned]

Bottom line, I'm a few months ahead of you. Its pretty horrible but every day I am further away from the abuse and it becomes so much clearer. I can't believe I lived the way I did for so long.

I would encourage you to also look into filing first. Everyone has told me that my having filed first is to my advantage and everyone is right when they say it will be even harder for you being the dad. Go ahead and have documentation ready. Written statements from you and others both of her behavior and your parenting. My lawyer didn't quite know what he was dealing with until he read my journals. When you make this move you can hold nothing back. You must mentally lay to rest the side of you that wants to help her because she will exploit it. Doing what you are considering doing is waging war with someone you both love and fear and what you stand to loose is more dear to you than your own life - I can't imagine anything harder.

Be prepared for a counter suite, lies and alegations that will make you sick to your stomach, doubting yourself to the point you feel you can't move, and looking at your child and feeling such guilt for not being able to give them a different story. Get a good therapist who understands BPD and stay strong. When I doubt myself I try to picture the worst incident that involved my daughter and tell myself, "this is what you are protecting her from."

This advice brought back so much emotion for me. Recognizing that you cannot rescue, fix, or save your spouse is the most critically important psychological leap during the divorce process. That process is different for everyone, but if it doesn't happen, there's a really good chance you will sabotage yourself and make this so much more painful and awful for everyone involved if you don't. Feel the pain of going over that psychological cliff, because those feelings are ok, and it's essential to experience them for the healing process. But going forward, focus on the feelings, not the thoughts or impulses to make things better for her. It's time now to take care of yourself. For the next few months, maybe longer, whenever you feel selfish, trust that those selfish feelings are signs of healthiness. We tend to have a skewed definition of selfish, so what feels selfish for you is going to be your friend.

The beginning is when you start to make key decisions that affect the rest of your case, and unfortunately it happens when you're at your weakest. Many of us sabotage ourselves during the early stages because our thinking is still deeply influenced by FOG. But in a few months, you'll start to get some clarity and the guilt won't be so distorting. That's when you want to look back and say, "My friends on bpdfamily.com cared about me, and gave me good guideposts."