Rage...

[niimin]

I do not know if I want to stay or go?  His rage happens no matter what... .

I engage>> >It is all my fault he is angry and destroys things, I shouldn't question him, or feel hurt by his selfish behaviour I have no right to feel the way I do and now I am causing him to be angry and hurt himself.

I don't engage>> >I am ignoring him because I do not want to talk about his "baiting" topics, If I take a time out and leave the area, he follows me, will not let me leave the house (threatens to destroy everything or kills himself)

Either way it is always my fault... .I am so confused and undecided on what to do.  I go between making an exit plan to trying to learn and practise new communication techniques... .

I can't even find words to truly describe how I am feeling... .I do know that it is escalating... .and he wants a physical confrontation for whatever reason.  I always feel like he is trying to get everyone to do things to give him a reason to flip out or justify his behaviour.

Kind words would be appreciated... .as well as stern advice... .I feel like I need to "___ or get off the pot" :'(

[AliveButBeatup]

It will escalate. I am in the same boat --- actually a short term marriage.  Very short term. Married 12/12/12.  Run away.  Don't walk away.  My prayers are with you.

ABB

[Aussie0zborn]

And it will always be your fault, no matter what.

Do you have a T?

Do you have moral support from family/friends?

Plan your exit strategy and run as fast as you can. Don't make any stupid mistakes like I did and get sucked back in. Once you're out, just run and don't look back.

[Surnia]

Hi niimin

and  here.

I hear you, there is a lot of despair in your words. Being under the stress of rage or being blamed and bullied is very hard. 

Does he got ever physical to you or your son?

I checked your first post, seing that you are in counseling and couple counseling. Is it worse with the latter or not? Does the couple counselor knows about his raging?

Drugs and medication are a toxic mix.

I agree with you, should you decide to end the rs you need a strategy, an exit plan.

When things are very out of control, the communication tools are difficult to practice. Than the first thing is safety for you and the kids.

[lauraj]

  Hi that's where I am too. stay or go. Everyone asks me when I explain even I minute part of our relationship, "Why are you still with him?" My answer is because I'm stupid. It's embarasing because I KNOW I shouldn't be with him yet I still am after 5 damn years of this sh#t. Why do I stay? He too, when he's in one of his moods and is doing the whole chastising me with the same ol crap as always, like bringing up stuff that happened centuries ago, will not leave. He usually will say he take it anymore, walk out while saying,"Hope you find what your looking for," then come back in and start something else. Meanwhile I'm literally sitting with my mouth open in shock at how he's acting and at the same time, scared to death, and not being able to get any words in at all. I have found that if I shut up and not say anything when he's going off, he runs out of steam and will eventually go away. My mom explained it as as if a grizzly bear was on your porch just sitting there. you go outside and want him off. If you start to poke the bear, he gets mad. you then poke him even more because you are scared and want him to leave. Instead of leaving that bear is going to rip you up. If you just leave him alone, he will eventually walk off on his own. She says,":)ON'T poke the bear." That has helped me through the whole, I have to justify myself or take up for myself. Once he gets it all out, about an hour, he's done, then shifts to another side of him where I can actually talk without getting ripped up. I'm in hell. I have three kids also who hate him, more hell. I'm a christian, he thinks it's a fairy tale, more hell. I could go on and on and on. Why I stay, I have NO reason too. :'( 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi lauraj

I just spent 3.5 years with someone just like your partner. It was always my suspicion that he was on drugs, but he was way to clever for me to ever find any hard evidence.

For the first two years, he lived off and on at my home. And his abusiveness and provocations never ended. He always had an excuse/justification to act the terrible way he did, and it was always my fault. Namely, I had too many male friends when I met him, (about 4!) and they were always bothering me, (also apparently my fault!).

I had provocations every week for the whole two years he lived at my rental home, if he wasn't blaming my male friends, he was then projecting onto my children, (their boyfriends/girlfriends/friends) his own family, his parents, his life, our life, his lack of money, his lack of job, stress, my job, my life, just everything! The weather even!

I, (like so many abused people) blamed myself, (which is exactly what the abuser wants you to do and why you keep taking their crap way past the point that you should. In fact, the very first time they rage out on you, and verbally or physically abuse you, or break your stuff, or denigrate your family and friends, is the day you should leave or tell them to. 

Ideally, you should disappear for several days, (NC) if they come crawling back and promise to change, or do change their ways, then you might have a chance, if not, there is no turning back until it is over. How ever long that takes is usually up to each individual relationship. But the dynamics are always the same.

The first time you accept and tolerate their abuse, they lose respect for you, and keep doing it.

Even more so when the individual abusing you has Borderline.

Up to recently, the common opinion was that there were more females diagnosed with Borderline than males, but they have now figured out that that was only because women in general are more likely to admit they have problems, and seek help from Mental Health in some way.

They are also now realising that because domestic violence is more common in male perpetrators towards their female partners, (sorry guys!) that a lot of these abusive husbands/boyfriends are actually Borderline themselves.

One of the worst aspects of this, is that they provoke you and provoke you, until you do respond, and then they turn on you and call you an abuser yourself. This keeps you locked into the horrible cycle too, the guilt!

If you search on this site you will find many articles about being provoked by an abuser, into being 'abusive' yourself, but do not be fooled. This does not make you an abuser.

It is even more difficult, when the person abusing you will not leave, or allow you to leave, and that advice about not poking the bear? Doesn't always work either.

Sometimes, even if you refuse to engage, refuse to argue, and just ignore, their rage will escalate, and you can be in danger then too. I watched that happen and play out so many times!

Trust me, the only thing that works, is not to live with them, (if you can help it). I did for two years, and in the end, after trying everything, (and talking sense with him when he was calmer and happier) he would forget all these sensible techniques to save our relationship, and rage out of control yet again. He would refuse to drive off and calm down, and I would be forced to ask him to return to his elderly parents for several days or just leave in general.

It was madness, and incredibly stressful. For two people in their 40's, (even worse).

For the last 16 months, (up to August 13th when I last was verbally abused and dumped) he lived permanently at his parents, and I travelled to see him several times per week. His behaviour never changed, at times the techniques here worked, but often not. And his behaviour escalated, until he was having yet another psychotic episode, when I wasn't bearing the brunt of his abuse, his elderly parents were.

There were several more threats to his Fathers life, another 72 hour restraining order, (I had one at one stage too) and his dysfunction with his parents no doubt continues. I think the day will come when the stress will kill either one of them, (it has come close already).

I am just glad it isn't me anymore, even though I still love him, miss the good parts of him, and the relationship, (which really weren't that many actually), and the hopes I had for our future.

I had the death threats, the assaults, (last one in June this year) the property damage constantly, financial abuse, threats to find another woman constantly, verbal abuse permanently, (F**KIN C**T etc), sorry but that is how extreme it has been for me.

I hope you put a stop to this for your own good, before it is too late. I am sure you love him, and this is incredibly painful to accept, but unless he is willing to seek help, change, make a personal inventory of the damage he has done to you, and put an end to that, your life will be just like all those you read about on these boards.

I am incredibly sad still, heartbroken, up days and down days, but I am glad I am not living in that nightmare over and over. Please seek help, for yourself and your daughter. Don't let him destroy you both.

I allowed that jerk to abuse me, and listened to him denigrate my daughter and others I loved and cared about, for ages, and I should never have let him into my home. I got conned!

Please don't end up like I did.

[Take2]

Lauraj... .what Rollercoaster24 wrote is totally on target... .  I have been through all of it with my ex (minus the living together part)... .the rages do not get better.  Period.  It escalates.  Each time you come back, you are showing him that you are coming back for more... .   and it will never stop until you make it stop. 

Good luck with your decision, I know this is a very tough time for you... .   

[Surnia]

Back to the threadowner -

 niimin, how are you today?

[mother in law]

I have seen my son go through this with his now xBPD wife. It did not get better, it just escalated out of control till it has almost destroyed him and is having serious effects on their 10 year old daughter.  My advice is get out of there before he destroys all. No one has the right to abuse others (in any form) whether they have a mental health issues or not. It may sound tough but from what I have seen it will destroy all lives not just those with the BPD. It is also not your fault, my son spent hours/days questioning himself as she would not leave him alone, and that too was destructive for him. Also set boundaries and get a support network both are most important. It is sad but it seems to me unless they seek help/therapy of some sort it does not go away so you need to look after your self. Good luck.

[adizziedoll]

It's funny ... .

I am in the same boat, with a BP that will NOT let me leave the house, verbally abusive, paranoia over who I'm talking to, where I "really" went ... .and yet I read your story and I know the answer.  "What the heck are you doing, get out!  Don't be controlled and abused like this!"  But yet I can't seem to move on either ... .I sympathize with your difficulties with this tremendously. 

What do you say to yourself when you read all the the other "Staying or Leaving" stories?  I can take a guess ... .

[niimin]

Surnia:

I am doing a bit better, I am still fearful and have had to defuse some situations... .He has showed up at my work, and he is now calling... .had a few instances when I thought he was going to go off, but I didn't react to his baiting and attempted to validate his feelings.  I know that it is only tempoary, but whatever I can do to keep us safe is a blessing at this moment.

I did speak to my son, and established some safe people and places for us both and spoke to some friends online and in person.  I am not confident that I will be able to avoid a violent outburst, but I am confident that I can get away safely when I need to.

I also bought a book, How to love someone with BPD... .and was able to talk to him about his meds when HE identified that he felt like something more was happening, that he is having trouble getting rid of his negative feelings.

So... .still up in the air but tempoarily safe to answer your question.  I will be sure to post on the message board when I can, it is not always easy as you might suspect.

Thank you for checking in with me, it gives me comfort... .

[Surnia]

Hi niimin

Good to hear you again. And I am glad you could do some preparations, just in case.

Validation is a good way too, if he is not to much deregulated. 

Take care - and yes, I can understand its not always easy to be here on board. 

[niimin]

Surnia:

Deregulation is definately an area that I could use some guidance with.  It is exactly where he is at and has been for a good while now.  He started meds for first time in awhile and I think that they must be wrong... .but he refuses to go anyplace but a walk in clinic.

Any links or articles you could recommend?

Think I am going to start a new thread on this!

Niimin

[wishfulthinking]

In your exact same shoes, nursing a busted lip and huge bruise on leg as I type from last THursday.  He still rages, but not physical, he blames the beer and pills... .it's the second time he's laid hands on me.  Tried to choke me, too.  I hate that I love him, but I am meeting with my lawyer today because of other things that have happened this week.  Feel free to check out my posts and if you need to talk, message me... .Oh, first date oct 22nd 2013, married may 10th 2013... .rages started 2 weeks after we got married... .I was seriously snowballed... .

[Surnia]

 niimin

About medication: I cannot say much beside that the combination from medication / drugs or alcohol is dangerous. And its something you cannot control. You cannot force him to go to a doctor or stop him taking drugs.

What you can do is looking for safety for yourself and your kids. One thing is not engage in any arguments. When this is not enough to make things better and it will escalate: Safety First.