Ready to give up

[muffetbuffet]

Been on this emotional roller coaster for almost 3 yrs. now and not sure how much longer my husband and I can continue the "fight"!  My dd16 is certainly pushing all the buttons and is just about making us crazy.  She has decided that she no longer needs her meds.  She has started with a new therapist (had to change due to so many cancellations with the last one).  With the new therapist, she has gone one time and has cancelled the last two sessions.  We were to receive case management services.  The person came to our house and DD was so rude, asked her to leave and told her that we do not need services.  Since she is 16 she has all the rights in the world.  :)D has already missed 5 or 6 days of school so the truancy officer is involved.  There is a possibility she DD may be pregnant as she refuses to use the birth control that SHE chose the last time we were at the dr.  Says that she "does not believe in birth control".  We were just informed last night that no matter what, she is leaving at the end of the school year and moving in with "family" AKA friends that she has met somewhere.  Says that we will never see her again and if she is pregnant, she will not allow us to ever see her child because she will not allow us to screw up the baby's life as we have screwed up hers.  

At what point do we say enough is enough.  It is so stressful living in our house.  Fortunately it is just my husband, DD and I.  There is minimal conversation between us.  Generally any good conversation turns into a battle.  :)D is offended by anything that we say.  It is taking such a toll on our physical health.  Unless DD is in crisis again, we cannot do much of anything.  Any ideas?   Just ready to get into the car and drive off into the sunset and never look back!

Forgot to add that dd went to spend two weeks with her biological mother and sister this summer.  The day DD got on the plane to come back home, the sister called and asked how we deal with it on a daily basis.  In her words, she said that DD is "hell on wheels" and that she needs to go to a boot camp.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

muffetbuffet,

I am sorry that you are overwhelmed with dd.  Sounds so frustrating!  Is your dd getting emancipated?  Do you have any other options for your dd in living elsewhere?  Therapeutic foster care?  RTF again?   

 

peace

[Bonus mom]

Dear muffetbuffet,

First,   big hugs!

I feel for you, your daughter seems to be pushing every emotional button that you have - I have been there.  Our own dd17 just left our house, to live with her bio mom, and so here are a few things I can share with you:

- our last 18 months have made me and our family crazy, to the point we were all limiting contact with dd17 even in the house (She also was fired from a therapist for missing appointments)

- since she left nearly a month ago, there is the strangest peacefulness in our home. I say strange, because it is such a new atmosphere for us, it almost feels surreal sometimes - others would call it "normal"

- dd17 has barely contacted any of us (not me at all) and that's okay, I REALLY need the space from her

And here's what I've discovered; we are taking care of ourselves. We are feeling better.  She is making her own decisions about how she's going to proceed. They are not necessarily the decisions we want her to make, but they are not our decisions.

The hardest part of this entire journey, is understanding, accepting, and believing that we have no control over the decisions that they make.  The second hardest part of the journey, in my opinion, is accepting that none of this has anything to do with us.  What I mean is, it isn't about us it is about them.  They will lash out, and target those who continue to express their love for them, because they can - and it may never stop if they don't choose to seek help from professionals.  And if they do choose to never seek help?  That doesn't make us failures as parents.  Because the greatest parents on the planet, have children with BPD.  And according to those children: the greatest parents on the planet, are the worst parents on the planet. 

I really believe the greatest mistake that we make as parents of children with BPD, is that we keep falsely thinking that if we just love them a little bit more, or if we just can push a little harder, they will finally listen to us and see the error of their ways.  They simply aren't wired that way though.  They don't believe us when we tell them that we love them, just like someone who has a phobia of flying won't believe you when you tell them that it's perfectly safe.  You can put all the charts and evidence and proof in front of them you like, but they're still not going to get on the plane.

So I might not be able to offer you much right now, but I can tell you this - If and when she decides to leave, it will not be the end of your world.  In fact, you might find that it is the best thing that's ever happened to you and your relationship.  Without the tornado of emotions in your home any longer, you will be able to find the peacefulness that can help you heal and function better.  Your daughter might not find that same peacefulness.  But you will be better able to cope with the contact that you do have with her.

Thinking of you,

Bonus mom

[lbjnltx]

Hello mom,

I can completely relate to your feelings of frustration and exhaustion.  I have lived it and been at my breaking point as well.

I want to let you know upfront that our family (dh, dd16, and myself) read your post together and the replies you received.  We discussed them at length and talked about the truths and misconceptions in the statements made, personal accountability, possible consequences of the choices under contemplation and those that have already been made, and we feel for you all and your families.

We would like you to know that it is highly important to hold onto compassion above frustration, for each person to take responsibility for the role they  play in the family dynamic, to work  on being emotionally healthy (which  leads to better mental and physical health) yourselves in order to make the best choices regarding your daughter's care while you still have the power to make those choices.  

You are the parent, you are the one she is counting on to do everything within your power to get her the help she needs to be the best she can be.  Yes, she will fight you tooth and nail at every turn, yes she will blame you for all her woes, and yes it is so very very hard.  As a parent she needs you to be stronger in your determination to give  her what she needs than she is in fighting your efforts.  

I often read these words and have seen a book with the same title "love is not enough".  I have to disagree and I believe it depends on how you define love.  I get my definition from my faith that tells me what love is and what love isn't.  To me love is a verb... .it is not a feeling, it is feelings in action.  It is the great love I have for my daughter that kept me relentlessly searching for help, it is the great love I have for her that kept hope for her alive and prompted me to do everything I could do to give her the best chance of recovery.  First and foremost and within my greatest power I needed to change myself in order to help her.  I had to educate myself on this disorder, I had to learn more effective communication skills to use with her, I had to take responsibility for my own emotional reactions to her rages/abuse/determination to destroy the love I have for her.  Only then, when I took this responsibility seriously and did the hard work was I able to be who she needed me to be.  Only then was I able to make wisemind decisions that led her to recovery.  

Our family is truly blessed to have the knowledge of the diagnoses when she was so young.  Blessed because we had been given the opportunity to provide her with the help she needed while we still had the power to enforce our choices on her.  She needs you to not give up on her.  She needs you to take responsibility for getting her help.  She needs you to keep providing her the opportunities to get well.  She needs you to fight for her.

It is with great hope that myself and my family write these words to you and your family.

 

lbjnltx

[js friend]

Hi Muffet.

I just want to you to know that i have also been where you are.DD18 was at her worst between 14-17yo, and it is a period of time I would never like to repeat. I can totally emapathise with you. I often i felt like running away or giving up on my dd too, and dd's angry or hatred of her us(her family)  with me in particuar was so much that she would leave notes around our home than speak to any of us.

Looking back it was a really terrible time for all of us and i suspeact dd included with all those raging hormones.

Puberty must be a terrible time for our children with BPD . If you can do 1 thing MB, I would say look after yourself during this time.Take care of your own emotional health and try to be less reactionary to what your dd says and does.Also bring in strong boundries and try to  remain compassionate.

Bringing in strong boundries will eventually work, but will take a while before you see their results. My dd rebelled a lot to my boundries when she was at her worst, but she is able to reflect and now see that there was a need for them now she is nearly 19yo. She still doesnt accept any responsiblity for her past behaviour ... .but hay ho.

Hang in there Muffet things will get better.

[peaceplease]

moffetbuffet,

I think that another stay at RTF would be awesome, if you can do it.  I can understand your frustration, but you still have some power, since she is not 18, yet.  You do not want to be at a point where you are powerless.   Those of us with adult children are powerless.  And, you don't want to be powerless.   

 

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

Hello muffetbuffet,

You truly sound exhausted... . 

You have tried to hang in there, and then some.

Just ready to get into the car and drive off into the sunset and never look back!

I can relate to that feeling. It is your body telling you that things truly cannot go on as they have. Something has to change - you are at your breaking point.

I would start with scheduling some serious time for myself (trading off with my husband being at home and 'holding down the fort'. Whatever works for you to help relax and clear your head. For me, I would go spend some time in the nature, or go swimming, or listen to some soothing music in a warm bathtub. Ideally a family therapist who understands BPD would be a great help, if you can find one... .

When you embarked on this journey, I bet nobody really told you what it might be like 16 years down the road... .You perhaps knew that adopted children have issues, but perhaps you were told that with lots of love it would all turn out fine.

A child with BPD has very specific needs that we cannot intuitively meet. And an adopted child with BPD doubly so. I have read a book about adopted children that explains their issues very well and also the experiences of the adopted parents, especially the mothers. The pain you are going through and your dilemmas. It's called 'The Primal Wound' - the wound being the trauma of being separated from the birth mother, and not being able to fully bond with anyone else in their life because of it. It explains really well what all the family members go through, and what the child needs (and the biggest danger - that they WILL do everything in their power to drive their parents away, but subconsciously hope that it will not happen, and if it does happen, it is absolutely DEVASTATING to them).

I know, the possible pregnancy, the school-skipping, the no meds, the new/no therapist, the dismissed case manager... .It all adds up to a tornado of a storm... .

It will pass... .Will you hang in there for your dd's sake?

We're here to help. There might be some things you need to learn in the process to make this easier on yourself and to be able to help your dd. I do not want to recommend things that you already know - can you tell us what you have read and learned so far in the process?

[Being Mindful]

I agree with lbj,

I too did everything in my power to provide help for my d. What I did not know until way late in the process is that it was me and dh that needed to change first, not our BPD.d. We and therapists alike were constantly looking to our ill child to make the drastic changes. In fact, for years it was only about her needing to change. It was only after I learned by reading, attending classes and putting into practice what I was learning that things started to change within our family. We first had to change which then promoted growth and change within her.

[muffetbuffet]

WOW!  :)On't know where to start.  I am sitting here in tears as I read all of the posts that were sent to my call for help.  I guess it is good to know that we are not alone in this battle.  My husband and I understand that we too play a role in how all of this plays out.  We continue to fight everyday that our daughter can be the best person she can be (whatever that is for her).  Our expectations are not set high, just that she is happy and safe.  We have been through family based therapy three times already.  The most recent one was right after dd was discharged from RTF.  Of course everything was perfect at that point as dd was on meds, etc. She was making sure she was doing everything right so that she could earn her right to stay home and not return to placement.  At the last med check appt, Dr. did mention another RTF placement, but that cannot happen unless dd is in crisis mode.  Right now, she is just on the edge and knows when to stop her behavior so that she does not hit crisis.  My husband and I have made a conscious effort to only engage her on a superficial level.  We try very hard not to be emotionally open with her anymore as we just cannot handle the heartache anymore. As with most teens, she hates us until she needs or want something.  My husband and I have also started making our own plans to do more things together.  We make our plans and dd has to fit her social schedule around us.  We are trying very hard to regain some control of our lives. We have boundries/consequences that dd is well aware of.  We are well aquainted with our local police dept and do not hesitate to contact them.   I think the most beneficial book that we have read/referred to was walking on eggshells... don't remember the whole title.  Maybe it is time to dust it off again.  

Thank you for all of your time and support.  Heading to bed and the hope that tomorrow is a better day.  Hope that we can make five full days of school this week.  Tomorrow is dr. appt. to find out about pregnancy.  Of course I will not be permitted to go back to speak to dr. as daughter does not allow that and she is old enough to make that decision.  

[Being Mindful]

Hi again muffet!

Can we help you get started with learning better communication skills, understanding your value based boundaries and more... .real skills that have helped many of us parents here help our children? Stop Walking on Eggshells is the book you are referring to. An excellent one at that. Others including myself found much help in Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, by Valerie Poor.

There are also many resources here too, plus a bunch of us that understand and want to help. Keep posting. Is there something specific that we can help with or point you in the right direction?

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

... .We would like you to know that it is highly important to hold onto compassion above frustration, for each person to take responsibility for the role they  play in the family dynamic, to work  on being emotionally healthy (which  leads to better mental and physical health) yourselves in order to make the best choices regarding your daughter's care while you still have the power to make those choices. 

You are the parent, you are the one she is counting on to do everything within your power to get her the help she needs to be the best she can be.  Yes, she will fight you tooth and nail at every turn, yes she will blame you for all her woes, and yes it is so very very hard.  As a parent she needs you to be stronger in your determination to give  her what she needs than she is in fighting your efforts. ... .

... .First and foremost and within my greatest power I needed to change myself in order to help her.  I had to educate myself on this disorder, I had to learn more effective communication skills to use with her, I had to take responsibility for my own emotional reactions to her rages/abuse/determination to destroy the love I have for her.  Only then, when I took this responsibility seriously and did the hard work was I able to be who she needed me to be.  Only then was I able to make wisemind decisions that led her to recovery. ... .

... .Our family is truly blessed to have the knowledge of the diagnoses when she was so young.  Blessed because we had been given the opportunity to provide her with the help she needed while we still had the power to enforce our choices on her.  She needs you to not give up on her.  She needs you to take responsibility for getting her help.  She needs you to keep providing her the opportunities to get well. ... .

My dd is now 32. I often think, if only I knew when she was 16 (and earlier) what I know now, my story would be so different. I recall only too well the destructive nature of BPD in my dd at 16. It hurt me so, I was her main target practice. The eggshells in our home were knee deep.

Apart form the wise guidance from people here and the support I found, what has made a difference to me are the techniques and practice of validation, boundary setting and mindfulness. When I first learnt about them and began to actively practice them, my understanding was superficial, over time this has developed and deepened. My point is that there are no simple easy solutions, but when you begin to work on yourself, the improvements are immediate. Thing is muffet, we can begin to develop a more positive relationship with our children when we begin to change how we do things. After all, what you have been trying for so many years till now, hasn't had such good results.

I am glad to see you back with us. Yes, I would highly recommend Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD". Then when you have absorbed that, there are other resources that are invaluable help to us.

muffet, we are here for you, truly,

Cheers, stay in touch,

Vivek      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

Today's update:  WE ARE NOT PREGNANT!  Yeah.  Now if we could only talk dd into going back on the birthcontrol I would feel a whole lot better about all of this. 

Thanks for all of the info and support.  I am not sure specifically what to ask for help with.  Just one day at a time and one hurdle at a time.  I guess someday we will look back at this and ask how we ever made it through. 

I will have to check out the book overcoming BPD as it has been recommended previously but we did not follow through as we were in family therapy,etc at that time.  Guess it is time to pick ourselves up, dust off and keep plugging along.  Thanks to all.   

[Being Mindful]

Hi muffet,

What a relief!

You said you are not sure what to ask help for... .can we help in getting you tools and skills for daily interaction and communication with your daughter?

For me, I started with value based boundaries. It was initially a tough concept for me. Thus, in my mind I started picturing a box around me, dh, and our younger daughter. Sadly, my BPD.d was not in that box. However, I had to first envision this as a "concept" in protecting us. Protecting us from physical and verbal abuse. I had to take a strong stance that we were important, we needed to find peace, safety. I had to separate myself temporarily so that I could gain some perspective and some well-being. This also helped me to make the shift that those of us inside the box were going to have to work on ourselves first. We were capable of change, our BPD.d was not. Within this framework, I was able to learn and grow, read and research, go to NAMI classes, come here find support and more education. When I gained this perspective and learning, I was able to see that how I previously interacted with my d. would never help her. These first steps catapulted me and my family into tremendous growth, including my BPD.d

This is my personal experience, and I so believe in it. I want it for you too.

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

Boundaries is where I started too muffet 

"Overcoming BPD" by Porr has a good chapter on boundaries, as well as one on validation. They are the two primary tools in our tool box. I think that it would be helpful for you to read it.

I think that the NAMI course that Being Mindful mentioned might help too.

muffet it seems to me that like me, you tend to wait for the 'right' time. So you didn't read the book before because you were seeing the T. I would like to suggest that as long as you just read one book at a time, it doesn't matter if you mix your learning and supports. When I was reading my book, someone here would, for example, mention a workshop or an article on the site here and I would read it and absorb the knowledge ... .then when off the computer, go back to my book. And then trot off to see the T we were seeing, then attend our face to face support group. You see all these things are complementary. The concepts we explore here are easy to understand, but they also hold layers of understanding that take time and practice and thought to dig deeper into.

If I were you, I would follow my example (who was following the example of others before me) and jump right in and immerse myself in learning. The rewards are mighty.

cheers,

Vivek    

[pessim-optimist]

  So good to hear that "WE" are not pregnant 

I thought about your dd today... .I thought that building our child's character and good coping skills for life is definitely a priority.

And in order to do that, first - we need to be able to keep them safe, and second - we need to be able to make a connection with them. (When they are teenagers, they will not internalize a thing unless they believe it).

What are your main obstacles/concerns/problem areas with dd that you see as preventing you from helping her with the above? Maybe that way we can point you in the right direction with some articles/workshops etc... .

Thinking of you.   

[jellibeans]

muffet

I want also suggest you read overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr... .I have found it to be so helpful and I go back to it over and over again. I too have a 16 year old and I take one day at a time. I try not to focus on the past... .once an issue has been addressed we go on and try again. Try not to beat yourself up. We are all doing the best we can.