Acceptance I came across.

[Ironmanrises]

I was watching this movie the other night and this narration from the movie Terminator 3 struck me... .

"By the time Skynet became self-aware it had spread into millions of computer servers across the planet. Ordinary computers in office buildings, dorm rooms; everywhere. It was software; in cyberspace. There was no system core; it could not be shutdown. The attack began at 6:18 PM, just as he said it would. Judgment Day, the day the human race was almost destroyed by the weapons they'd built to protect themselves. I should have realized it was never our destiny to stop Judgment Day, it was merely to survive it, together. The Terminator knew; he tried to tell us, but I didn't want to hear it. Maybe the future has been written. I don't know; all I know is what the Terminator taught me; never stop fighting. And I never will. The battle has just begun."... .

My realization was etched in those words.

My acceptance of this.

Of all of this.

There was no stopping this disorder.

There was no way to avert it.

My destiny was not to stop it... .

But to survive it.

I knew this... .

I tried to warn myself... .

I didn't want to hear it.


Part of my healing is accepting the fact that my exUBPDgf has a disorder and there was nothing I could have done any differently to alter my fate.

It sucks.

But that is the truth.

I have been letting the hurt wash over me.

Almost like being hit with ice cold water in a shower.

There is no why she did that... .

Or what is she doing... .

Or who is she with... .

Or how could she have done this... .

Or where is she... .

None of that matters.

The disorder would have played out the same way regardless.

I have gone through this twice.

Acceptance is not easy.

I have begun learning a new language... .

Japanese... .(I speak 4 languages)... .

It is helping in place of my artwork being stagnant.

I have to focus really hard on that.

Bottom line... .It's helping.

[eeyore]

how does one learn a new language?  I took years of a language in HS. But can't speak it at all now.

[Ironmanrises]

Eeyore,

Lots of discipline.

Lots of focus.

I had to learn 3 languages at the same time growing up... .

So I am predisposed to languages.

[LoneWolf768]

Well said, Ironmanfalls! May I copy and paste that as a referral?

[Ironmanrises]

Lonewolf,

Thank you.

Of course.

[LetItBe]

Thank you, Ironman, for sharing this brilliant insight.  It really is true that none of the details of who they're with, what they're doing, why, why, why really matter.  My BPDxbf's disorder played out the way it always has.

You said:

Part of my healing is accepting the fact that my exUBPDgf has a disorder and there was nothing I could have done any differently to alter my fate.

I agree.  Accepting this is part of my healing from this r/s, too.  It is also part of my healing from my r/s with my late mother, who I'm sure had uBPD along with diagnosed bipolar disorder.  Apparently it's true that we keep reliving the past until we learn the lessons we need to learn and heal the unhealed parts of ourselves.

This also has echoes of my childhood:

There was no stopping this disorder.

There was no way to avert it.

My destiny was not to stop it... .

But to survive it.

There was no stopping my abusers, no way to avert them, but I did survive.  Just as I survived my r/s with BPDxbf.  This time, I had the power and ability to say, "Enough!"  So, I knew there was no stopping his disorder, I couldn't tolerate the emotional abuse, and I made the gut-wrenching -- but absolutely necessary -- decision to leave.  It was the right decision, and I'm fortunate that when I waffled on my decision months later, that he'd already found a replacement.  I'm feeling like I'm standing on firm ground again now.  There can be no going back to that.

I'm so happy to hear that you're finding learning another language helpful.  You sound good.  

[Ironmanrises]

Letitbe,

Welcome.

Your own realizations are an acceptance of your ordeal too.

Standing on firm ground... .Is far better then on that forever shifting sand we grew accustomed to.

Far better.

And you are right... .

There is no going back to that.

[Surnia]

Wow, Ironmanfalls

Japanese! I love to hear it. I had a long history with martial arts when I was younger... .    the sensei were most japanese. The special style to say: Hai doso, the voice coming from the belly, not the head.

You certainly know the movie "Lost in translation"?

But back to board board business: Great you have something to focus on. Learning something new, using your natural skills like language learning, thats a good path. 

[letmeout]

Ironmanfalls, reading your poetry felt very therapeutic to me.

It is helping in place of my artwork being stagnant.

I have to focus really hard on that.

I am an artist and I painted really well when my exBPDh went through his dramatic moments. Maybe the angst of dealing with each crisis made our artistic energy come alive? Anyway, I have been NC for quite a while, and my creativity is once again making a comeback after being stagnant after my divorce.

Now my art energy comes from peace and tranquility instead of the craziness I lived with. This new energy is so much better!

[Ironmanrises]

Surnia,

I saw the movie "Lost in Teanslation"... .It was really good.

Yes, I hadnt been able to focus on anything in so long... .

Almost like a breath of fresh air.


Letmeout,

Good to know my words reached you. 

A fellow artist!... .

Your creativity returned to you... .

Awesome.

And the fact it is coming out of a peaceful setting now... .

Even better.

Stay strong.

Keep painting.

[ZigofZag]

Thank you for posting your thoughts.

It's a real help to be reminded and reassured.

No return!

[blurry]

Always love your posts Ironman, and you're absolutely right. I still always find myself wondering why she did this, or said that. Like I'm some idiot that can't grasp the truth. She's a psychopath, that's why.

Recently read that "borderline" is one of 4 "types" of psychopathic behavior. Making me feel better to attach, in my mind, such a negative lable to her. All the behavior seems to make more sense to me when I can look at it that way.

[blurry]

 In a nutshell, I married a psychopath, .

[Ironmanrises]

Zig,

Welcome.

Reading people's posts on here has helped me too.


Blurry,

Thank you.

You are not an idiot... .

Just want to make sense out of a disorder which really has no sense to us who are not disordered.

That making sense though... .

Is so draining... .

Tiring.

My mind would spin in circles in the process... .

So I know how that is.

It sucks.

Acceptance of this... .

Leads you to a path of healing.

Hang in there buddy.