Indifference

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've become indifferent with my BPD spouse - I think I've been indifferent for about a year.  I realize this because she's lapsed back into the cycle of "sleep all day - read all night", essentially doing or accomplishing nothing for the last month or so.  And I really don't care... .

The laundry did get done last week only after the pile was so high even she was running out of clothing (PJs and underwear).  Don't get me wrong - I don't expect her to do laundry - I'd do it without complaint if needed.  But if the laundry is the only thing she will do because... .I'll leave it for her. 

Cooking?  Yeah right!  If I don't cook, we eat out, and eating out is the only thing that gets her out of the house.  My dining out bill is about $1K per month - ludicrous.  I've told her this can't go on so it'll be soup, sandwiches, or whatever I cook.

Cleaning?  That's a joke.  We have house cleaners visit every two weeks.  All our kids have grown and moved out so there is nothing for them to clean.  I only keep the cleaning crew because their visit prompts her to do laundry.  She sleeps through their visits!

 

Sex?  I'm no longer interested as she does not seem interested in the least bit.  She claims it's the medicine but I'm pretty sure it's about control.  It got so bad we decided Thursdays was the schedule; honestly, I could pass on a month of Thursdays.  The sex is routine at best, un-intimate, biological - almost a business transaction.  This area has gotten so bad my mind is wandering... .I've never strayed but I've sure been contemplating doing so as of late.  I've wished she was screwing around thus alleviating me of any sexual responsibility since Thursdays is a test of "my interest". 

Communication?  Down to minimums.  "How was your day?" and such.  She's asleep all day - if not doing chores, I pretty much spend the weekend watching football. 

I'd rather be out enjoying life with someone who wants to enjoy life.  We spent a week at a motorcycle meet, and the woman barely participated.  Of 7 days, she ventured outside the hotel room maybe three times (other than meal trips).   

What to do - what to do - what to do

I've made it pretty clear any more threats of self harm are a deal killer (last year).  I've tolerated 14 years of that garbage, and it's been about a year since the last "acting-out" episode.  I also told her during last sleep/read cycle this was no longer acceptable.  She consulted the docs and was prescribed Abilify (sp?).  That was great for a while until she gained 40+lbs and misery set in.  I told her I didn't care about the weight gain, but of course that's not good enough. How silly of me!  It's not about us, it's all about her!  She stopped taking abilify and is taking something else.  Guess I'll have to see how well that works - another opportunity for me to be the enabler - make excuses for sticking around - endure and endure.

What to do... .

I've realized I just don't care anymore.  The coming week is one of long work hours, and the following week is a motorcycle rally I will attend.  If she joins me, I'll have to tolerate her impatience with getting home as soon as possible so I really hope she stays home.  Ending this marriage has been circling in my mind for about a year now.  I'm not sure how to approach but I think this is inevitable. 

More to come!

[John.Alert]

I've become indifferent with my BPD spouse - I think I've been indifferent for about a year.  I realize this because she's lapsed back into the cycle of "sleep all day - read all night", essentially doing or accomplishing nothing for the last month or so.  And I really don't care... .

The laundry did get done last week only after the pile was so high even she was running out of clothing (PJs and underwear).  Don't get me wrong - I don't expect her to do laundry - I'd do it without complaint if needed.  But if the laundry is the only thing she will do because... .I'll leave it for her. 

Cooking?  Yeah right!  If I don't cook, we eat out, and eating out is the only thing that gets her out of the house.  My dining out bill is about $1K per month - ludicrous.  I've told her this can't go on so it'll be soup, sandwiches, or whatever I cook.

Cleaning?  That's a joke.  We have house cleaners visit every two weeks.  All our kids have grown and moved out so there is nothing for them to clean.  I only keep the cleaning crew because their visit prompts her to do laundry.  She sleeps through their visits!

 

Sex?  I'm no longer interested as she does not seem interested in the least bit.  She claims it's the medicine but I'm pretty sure it's about control.  It got so bad we decided Thursdays was the schedule; honestly, I could pass on a month of Thursdays.  The sex is routine at best, un-intimate, biological - almost a business transaction.  This area has gotten so bad my mind is wandering... .I've never strayed but I've sure been contemplating doing so as of late.  I've wished she was screwing around thus alleviating me of any sexual responsibility since Thursdays is a test of "my interest". 

Communication?  Down to minimums.  "How was your day?" and such.  She's asleep all day - if not doing chores, I pretty much spend the weekend watching football. 

I'd rather be out enjoying life with someone who wants to enjoy life.  We spent a week at a motorcycle meet, and the woman barely participated.  Of 7 days, she ventured outside the hotel room maybe three times (other than meal trips).   

What to do - what to do - what to do

I've made it pretty clear any more threats of self harm are a deal killer (last year).  I've tolerated 14 years of that garbage, and it's been about a year since the last "acting-out" episode.  I also told her during last sleep/read cycle this was no longer acceptable.  She consulted the docs and was prescribed Abilify (sp?).  That was great for a while until she gained 40+lbs and misery set in.  I told her I didn't care about the weight gain, but of course that's not good enough. How silly of me!  It's not about us, it's all about her!  She stopped taking abilify and is taking something else.  Guess I'll have to see how well that works - another opportunity for me to be the enabler - make excuses for sticking around - endure and endure.

What to do... .

I've realized I just don't care anymore.  The coming week is one of long work hours, and the following week is a motorcycle rally I will attend.  If she joins me, I'll have to tolerate her impatience with getting home as soon as possible so I really hope she stays home.  Ending this marriage has been circling in my mind for about a year now.  I'm not sure how to approach but I think this is inevitable. 

More to come!

[downandin]

I had actually become much the same with my wife.  I was pretty much indifferent about everything for several years, becoming progressively worse over that time.  It wasn't until she hit me with the 'I want to separate' letter that I realized that I still love her and do care.  My indifference, I have come to see, was more about the situation than about her.  I just haven't known what to do to make either her or myself any happier, so I just kept doing the same mundane things over and over.  I still do not know what to do, but I don't really want to separate or divorce.  It may be the only thing left, though.  Anyway, I hate to see posts and nobody at all reply for long periods of time, so I just wanted you to know that I understand.  When you are hurting as bad as many of us who post here are, you really need someone to just talk to you sometimes.  At least I do.

[Knowingishalf]

I am on the way out the door so take that in consideration with my reply, but I have been very much the same for a long long time.  Your post touched something in me that prompted me to reply.  I have taken up a new motto in my household... .If it got done I did it, this motto fits exactly what you were saying if something got completed you were the one to do it.

The best part is if she actually does do something the verbal abuse is so awful it isn't worth suffering through it... .

[Aussie0zborn]

I was indifferent too for at least the last six months of the marriage.  As mentioned above, it's hard knowing what to do. You try this, you try that... .all to no avail. In the end she took the indifference as proof that I didn't like her, didn't love her, lined up the next guy and plotted her revenge.

In hindsight, I would say that when you're at the indifference stage, it's time to get professional help or get out otherwise you are a sitting duck.