Should we be afraid?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My Partner's BPDex has been kind of a pain for a long time, and mostly does weird legal things but today she did something that actually has me feeling weird.  Like I'm wondering if she is heading for some kind of snap. She has never made a lot of sense, so I've always been a little afraid of her, because when she gets angry, she seems to hyper focus on me as being the root of all that is evil.

Anyhow, yesterday was our baby's 1 year birthday.  We had SD7 over for the night for the party.  BPDex started sending kind of weird emails on Saturday, started out claiming she was not aware Sunday would "be an overnight" even though that is what we agreed to back in August when we set it up. We did not respond.  Then on the way to pick up on Sunday morning, we got a text saying "see email" and BPDex sent email stating she changed her mind and overnight is fine. 

OK, weird, but good. 

Then she sent another email, "I don't know if you plan on keeping her overnight, please let me know ASAP"

So we responded by forwarding original correspondence saying, highlighting portion that says we are keeping her overnight.  And thank you.

THEN, at about 3:00 we get an email "I already agreed to overnight, please more accurate in future correspondence"

Exactly like that.  Typo and all.

Also weird, so we just did not reply.

Then this morning, at drop off at school, there she was standing in the rain with her new baby in the crosswalk waiting for us to show up.  She doesn't drive, so she had to get up early (which she hates) and take a bus in the rain with a new baby at 7:00 in the AM.  She was just standing there, waiting.  When they walked up, she looked at child and said, "I just wanted to say hello to you."

And then left. 

BF said it was the strangest encounter ever.  IN all of these years, she has never done this, even over the two years she lived right next door to the school and she drove and had a car. 

I know when I had a baby, it really set her off on an emotional downward spiral, so I wonder if his birthday has set her off again?  But I can't figure out why she was there this morning.  Is her next step to show up at our house? 

I guess when I post these things and then 20 of you respond "I had the exact same thing happen" the weirdness feels more like a normal move for someone with this disorder, so it makes me feel a little more at ease. 

We have our final mediation looming next week for a court date that has been pending for almost 2 years, plus she is 3 months postpartum, so I figure if she will ever go off the rails and be dangerous, the time would be now.


Thoughts?  Anyone have anything similar?

[hell0kitty]

My Partner's BPDex has been kind of a pain for a long time, and mostly does weird legal things but today she did something that actually has me feeling weird.  Like I'm wondering if she is heading for some kind of snap. She has never made a lot of sense, so I've always been a little afraid of her, because when she gets angry, she seems to hyper focus on me as being the root of all that is evil.

Anyhow, yesterday was our baby's 1 year birthday.  We had SD7 over for the night for the party.  BPDex started sending kind of weird emails on Saturday, started out claiming she was not aware Sunday would "be an overnight" even though that is what we agreed to back in August when we set it up. We did not respond.  Then on the way to pick up on Sunday morning, we got a text saying "see email" and BPDex sent email stating she changed her mind and overnight is fine. 

OK, weird, but good. 

Then she sent another email, "I don't know if you plan on keeping her overnight, please let me know ASAP"

So we responded by forwarding original correspondence saying, highlighting portion that says we are keeping her overnight.  And thank you.

THEN, at about 3:00 we get an email "I already agreed to overnight, please more accurate in future correspondence"

Exactly like that.  Typo and all.

Also weird, so we just did not reply.

Then this morning, at drop off at school, there she was standing in the rain with her new baby in the crosswalk waiting for us to show up.  She doesn't drive, so she had to get up early (which she hates) and take a bus in the rain with a new baby at 7:00 in the AM.  She was just standing there, waiting.  When they walked up, she looked at child and said, "I just wanted to say hello to you."

And then left. 

BF said it was the strangest encounter ever.  IN all of these years, she has never done this, even over the two years she lived right next door to the school and she drove and had a car. 

I know when I had a baby, it really set her off on an emotional downward spiral, so I wonder if his birthday has set her off again?  But I can't figure out why she was there this morning.  Is her next step to show up at our house? 

I guess when I post these things and then 20 of you respond "I had the exact same thing happen" the weirdness feels more like a normal move for someone with this disorder, so it makes me feel a little more at ease. 

We have our final mediation looming next week for a court date that has been pending for almost 2 years, plus she is 3 months postpartum, so I figure if she will ever go off the rails and be dangerous, the time would be now.


Thoughts?  Anyone have anything similar?

[DreamGirl]

If I wanted, I could go on and on all day long about the odd behavior of the ex. I have a story about the time she told me to sign the girls up for soccer and then she showed up to sign ups asking/demanding to know why I was there. She's a person who feels most comfortable in drama - so when it's not present, she often will manifest it.  It's just what she does.

She makes me nervous only when I allow her to make me nervous.

I also deal with a pretty emotionally driven Mama who if she sent emails that went unanswered... .might stand in the rain (with a newborn) to make sure her kids "were OK". She'd also probably tell her worrisome tale to anyone who would listen to find a ride. Her fear is probably off the charts irrational... .but it's very valid to her.

"Should we be afraid?"

Again, fear is pretty instinctual and valid-to-us emotion.  

Are you afraid?

Do you feel you need to be? Will it help you in this?

She's accused your partner of DV in the past - so her otherwise odd behavior could be an indicator of a lot of things.

You've diligently shown the courts again and again that your partner is an involved, consistent, and reliable father. Does this affect any of that?

[hell0kitty]

You know, I think what has me spooked is that I've always thought she is just out of control enough that she would/could be the kind of person who would shoot me if she got to a point where she thought that was her only choice.  Over the last 3 years, she has had this way to convince herself that all of her problems are my fault.  Now that the court date is just around the corner, if things go the way we think they will, she will think it is all because of me. 

I've had a real fear of her since the first time she blew up and claimed false DV, so I try really hard to look for signs that she is escalating her behavior.  I don't want to open the door to a gun one day.  I'm most comfortable when she stays in line with her predictable and "Manageable" level of crazy.

When she is standing in the rain with a newborn at 7AM, I start to think, "Is this the time she is snapping for real? Or is this this just more posturing?"   My BF seems to think that was her way of still being involved.  Even though it was not her day, or her time, it was her way to insinuate herself into the situation that was not about her at all.  By showing up, and being there all dramatically, he thinks it was her way of still making the day about her.

I don't think there is anything she is not capable of.  I guess I'm just looking for someone to say, "Oh yeah, that is totally normal, mine did that too." Then I will feel safer.  Does that make sense?

[DreamGirl]

Awwwwww, hell0kitty.     

No one can fix this for you.

I can't tell you that she is being BPD-normal. I don't know that I can tell you a story that's going to help ease this kind of fear. The BPD soul can be so unpredictable... .and for those of us that thrive on structure, it can knock us off kilter.

Instinctual fear can be a really good thing. It keeps us safe. It's also important to rationalize our fears. I remember being so afraid that my son's father would steal him and take him overseas (where he resided). It was a little bit of an overreaction - but it helped to take the steps to insure that he couldn't. I put a restriction in at his school that only myself could ever pick him up. I got him a passport and made sure that I was in possession of it. My son had a safety plan.

If you feel that this a rational fear, it's important that you don't rely on others (her, me) to relieve it for you. This is up to you.

My relief from fear was about taking my power back.

If you know she'll unravel and don't want to be any part of it - take your power back. 

Are there steps you could take to do that? Make yourself scarce? Unavailable to her? 

[hell0kitty]

We did move and not give her our new address, but she hired investigators and got the address.  She proved it by sending someone to our front door to serve us.  She has never done it again, it was just her way of saying "See I figured out where you live"

I park my cars away from the home, or business and walk so she can't vandalize them anymore.  (That happened twice in the past) I try to avoid any contact at all with her that is not at events that we all attend surrounded by witnesses. 

Honestly, with all of the weird shootings happening in the world right now, I think I've just become a little more wary having someone with such a degree of mental issues being so focused on me.  She really believes I am at the root of all of her problems.  Even at court last week, when they were asked to go into mediation, she actually pointed at me sitting in the court audience area and said, "I will only do it is SHE won't be there!"  and I had not said a word all day, just smiled and nodded hello at her when we walked past each other. 

She doesn't seem to think BF would have made it this far in court if I was not with him.  With the date SO close now, I'm becoming afraid that if she gets violent, or has the capability of being a violent person, it will be now.  And that isn't something you can call the cops with, "Hey, I have a hunch this crazy person will try to attack me at some point even though she has not made any direct threats.  She just gives me the big time willies."

[DreamGirl]

Honestly, with all of the weird shootings happening in the world right now, I think I've just become a little more wary having someone with such a degree of mental issues being so focused on me.  She really believes I am at the root of all of her problems.  Even at court last week, when they were asked to go into mediation, she actually pointed at me sitting in the court audience area and said, "I will only do it is SHE won't be there!"  and I had not said a word all day, just smiled and nodded hello at her when we walked past each other. 

You're a trigger for her.

That has everything do with her and probably very little to do with you.

You can't change that, hell0kitty. Not by being nice. Not by politely nodding. Not by smiling. It just is what it is.

If you don't feel safe. Don't be around her. Don't go to the court proceedings. Don't go to mediation.

You are the most important person to you. To your little one.

You have a lot of power in this.