I Don't Know Where I Belong Anymore

[downandin]

I've posted all over the place last week, from 'Staying' to 'Leaving' to 'Legal Issues.'  Who really knows where I fit anymore in all this.  Likewise, my emotions have been all over the place since my wife gave me the note that said she wants to separate.  This weekend was better, I have slowly moved from being 'black' to various shades of grey as she has finally moved back to being civil and slightly cordial this weekend.  We spent almost the entire weekend together.  We went to a 'football' party Saturday night, and went for a lovely drive to some beautiful scenic sites yesterday.  We also hiked and took in some quiet time by a nearby waterfall.  It was nice. 

She told me that she has been propositioned twice in two weeks by 'swinger' couples both at the party we went to Saturday as well as one we went to a week ago.  This was apparently what set off her 'leaving' mentality, because now she is starting to feel 'desirable again.' And I know she is telling me that my lack of attention in such matters is not going to be tolerated.  If you have followed my posts, you know that I have struggled with my feelings of despair over this and only want to re-connect on an emotionally intimate level with my wife before I feel I can reconnect on a physically intimate level.  I did try this weekend to let her know that I am really wanting to try.  She still says it is too late.

She told me last night, 'I'm still leaving, and if I don't, I'm going to cheat on you.'  How do I ever know where I belong, when I get these kinds of statements.  I don't know what I even want anymore, and I know she never really has.  Oh, she says she knows, but she doesn't really... .that is what makes this condition she has so ludicrous.  If I weren't in such turmoil, it would be laughable.

[CS4Ever]

It seems like everyone with BPD finds some way to tell their SO that they aren't loved or desired or otherwise important to them at some point or other. Even though I've come to expect it now and again from my wife, it never gets any easier or hurts any less.

The only thing that has helped at all for me is to set some limits and be prepared to keep them- in other words accept that things might end, then make it very clear to her what you will and will not accept.

She can certainly choose to have a physical affair if she wants to and there is likely nothing you can do to stop her. But its entirely your choice how you react to it. If its not something you can accept (and IMO it shouldn't be) then you owe it to her to tell her now and to yourself to start to accept that things will end if she does.

In my own experience at least, things were unbearable until I let go enough to accept that it might (or was likely to) end. Ironically, that's the only thing that gave me the detachment to start to do what I needed to do to try to salvage things.

[Jbt857]

I went through similar. My ex husband used to demand (yes, demand) sex, and when I refused, he'd scream at me that he was off to find someone who would, take off his wedding ring and stay out all night.

It got worse.

All his behaviours got worse, till I reached a point where I couldn't bear it anymore and ended our 9 year relationship.

That was in February. He moved out at the start of May. By June, he was adding a whole number of sl*tty women to his FB. By early August, he was reeling me back in, swearing he hadn't been with anyone. By the end of August, he announced he was in a serious relationship with Ms Amazing.

Go figure.

In hindsight, I should have ended it when 5 years into our relationship, when I caught him messing around online.

I don't really have any advice as such, but it didn't get better, like so many other behaviours it was something that I allowed to escalate. I like to believe in my heart he never physically cheated while we were still living as husband and wife, but really? He probably did.

It's just a question of what your personal breaking point is. Mine was actually quite trivial in the end, but by then it was just the straw that broke the camels back. However badly I wanted my marriage to work, I just couldn't fix it on my own.

[Clearmind]

Its tough board hoping and tough on our ever changing emotions. Can I suggest that while living with your partner to post on Staying or Undecided. The leaving board has a completely different dynamic and doesn’t really help if you are still living in the same house – the leaving board is for those that have been out of their relationship and out of the house for at least a month.

downandin, during times like this it so important for us to be present and not be swayed by their emotions. We need to remind ourselves that we are separate to them (otherwise we are enmeshed), that we have needs and wants and if we continue to be swayed we will get completely lost.

You say they are statements – they are loaded statements! Rational decisions are rarely made in a state of enmeshment.

Have you used validation for her feelings? If so what would that look like?

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence

[peas]

he'd scream at me that he was off to find someone who would, take off his wedding ring and stay out all night.

JBT, the ring removal is a hard thing to watch. My exuBPDbf did the same during our last fight. He was yelling at me because I got angry with him for flirting with someone in front of me. I told him it hurt my feelings. He started saying I "ruined" the r/s and then he took off a promise ring from his hand that he purchased in better times -- he bought one for me and him. I took those cheap little rings seriously; they gave me a sense of security. 

But that night I watched him remove his ring, I knew he was sending a strong signal that he wanted out. It was like a punch to the gut. Actually, a punch in the gut would have felt better. I walked out of his house a few minutes after his ring removal and his ranting. I returned the next day to gather my things and that was the end. I threw my promise ring out the car window on the highway.

[Jbt857]

At first the ring removal devastated me. Then it became a regular part of the 'pick a fight and leave' routine. The last 8 months of our marriage, he never wore it.

I bought our wedding rings.

As far as I know, he sold his last month. Divorce not even finalised. Probably paid for a great night out with his new GF.

That hurt.