Need some advice..I think I'm leave today

[Cipher13]

Last  night might have been the worse 8 to 9 hours of my life. I made several major mistakes. I tried to be honest and open to her and it blew up.  She sends text on her way home from work. "I'm feel unfullfilled. I want to have a kid." I said I don't. Here is why. I listed all kinds of things... I'm not ready, we move to much, she is looking fo rjobs all over the place. Then the fatal mistake... .I said we are not stable enough right now... .BOOM! I won't go into the remaing 7 plus hours of being told and accused of everythign in the book.

My clothers were tossed on the floor and she said to leave. Its about 1 am by this time. The whole time I am saying I don't want to leave. I make 1 comment of can I at least put these in something... ."SO YOU DO WAN TTO LEAVE. WHY DON'T YOU ADMIT THATS WHAT YOU WANT ALL THE TIME?"   I know its never a situation where I can regain some sort of handle... .it always going to be loose/loose.

So do I go back home on my lunch break or after work and pack up my stuff. Since I don't have much of any posession that are truley mine. (Always was for her) I can pack my littel car with everything I own with room to spare. I don't know where I can go but I'd rather live in my car than go back to that.  Also I'm not sure why I fight so hard to tell her I don't want to leave when I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I do.

Its giving me a burning pit in my stomach.  That could be the lack of food too. Haven't eating since breakfast yesterday and I've had 5 hours of sleep in 2 days.  Most of those 5 hours were Sunday night.

Help please help. I need to courage to finally pull this off.

[popeye6031]

Yes Cipher, I think this is the time to do it.  She has asked you to leave and you have wanted it for a long time (even if you do not afmit that to her).  If you can get your stuff packed on your break and will not bump into her, go for it.

Also, could you go to your parents? I am sure they would be happy to have you.

[Cipher13]

I wish they lived close by. I would totally do just that. I might have done it sooner.  I know it would be for the best. I can't understand this though. She is adiment that she is doen and it s over and she wants nothign to do with me. She starts to say... .this thing is mine and these are mine and you can't have this, and I suppose we have to sel the house. I relpy with I agree with that and I don't know how that works with the house... ."So you are thinking about this. You want to leave!"   Grrrr. Thats what tells me she doen't want out of this. Its a fricken game or a trick... I am the unspecting rat going for the pice of cheese.

[Aussie0zborn]

That sounds painful. I was in the same situation and I understand your dilemma. You need to pull yourself together and take control of your life and do what's best for you and I don't think you're doing that right now. Pack your stuff while she's not around because you will have little chance of doing it later.  Make sure you're not in a position where she can call the police and accuse you of anything that will get you arrested.

Who owns the house?

[popeye6031]

She does not truly mean it when she says such things.  It is all just a reaction to her feelings at the time because she really does not want you to go.  But, of course, if you agree with any of those statements, then she can validate her claims that this is what you want.  But no matter if she means it or not, you want and need to get out.  And, of course, you are feeling guilty about leaving her but is the guilt enough to make you want to remain in this relationship?  :)o you honestly think that you will ever be happy?

[Cipher13]

Make sure you're not in a position where she can call the police and accuse you of anything that will get you arrested.

Geez that never even crossed my mind. Is that common. Holy crap. Nothing has even been viloent enough for that. Last nigh was the first time I actaully shouted. All I said was "I'M NOT MBEING MEAN TO YOU! NOW THIS IS BEING MEAN!"  The felt bad for shouting and apologized... .That was after 6 plus hours of being yelled at. The house is under both names. Payments come out of checking automaticaly. That account is joint as well.

And, of course, you are feeling guilty about leaving her but is the guilt enough to make you want to remain in this relationship?  Do you honestly think that you will ever be happy?

No it shouldn't be at this point. I wil remain unhappy if I remain in this relationship. I know this and I have been preparing myself for this and she is picking up on that I think.

[Aussie0zborn]

I was thinking more of when you call the cops and she tells them you assaulted her and they take you away. It's not an uncommon story here so have your wits about you. Do you have a mobile phone with a voice recorder? Switch the voice recorder on. Or better still, just pack your stuff when she's not there and run as fast as you can.

At least you both own the house. It's not like you don't have a cent to your name so what are you worried about?

From experience, I would say that one needs strength and conviction to leave and repair the damage done. Do you have this strength and conviction?

[Cipher13]

At least you both own the house. It's not like you don't have a cent to your name so what are you worried about?

From experience, I would say that one needs strength and conviction to leave and repair the damage done. Do you have this strength and conviction?

Not sure what I am so worried about. Its not $$. Thats not even on my mid at the moment. I am weak in the strwnght and conviction part. Even right now she is blaming and projecting guilt that I know is not based on reality but it still gets to me.

[Aussie0zborn]

Ofcourse it gets to you. I don't think there is anybody here who doesn't understand how you feel.

Do you have  a T? Have you told anybody about this, apart from us? While this is a good way to get some help and insight and to share experiences its not like we can drive over and get you out of there. 

What do you really want to do? Who do you have that can help you right now?

[Cipher13]

Things are getting to the point were they only thing left I can do to communicate is to bring up I think she has the problem not me. I know that will go over like getting crap to smell like roses. She is saying things like whay are you mean. Why are you acting like this? Why can't you just turn it off?   The real answer is she is mean and she is doing this and piling this on and on and on.

I can't tell her why I started to get a back bone. Oh because I found out I think you have BPD and everythign you are doign right now is exactly what people with BPD do.  Its all that I have left and I know that can't nor wont make anything better. I am out of ammo for communiocation. I have been for a long time thats why they are all the same. Just different things sthat start them out of the gate.

[Cipher13]

Ofcourse it gets to you. I don't think there is anybody here who doesn't understand how you feel.

Do you have  a T? Have you told anybody about this, apart from us? While this is a good way to get some help and insight and to share experiences its not like we can drive over and get you out of there. 

What do you really want to do? Who do you have that can help you right now?

I do have a T. She has said that it might come to this also and that I need to take care of me. I know lots of kind people here understand. I am so greaful for that. I have parent s but they live far away. Baout 4 to 5 hours. I have told a freind that understands but again far away. All hve offered moral support, encouragement and prayers. I thank them and everyone here as that is all I can hope for. The rest is really up to me. I know that part. I can't get the turning stomach feeling out. That may go away in time but not if I stay.

[Aussie0zborn]

Others here who have more experience and wisdom have suggested never telling your SO that you think they have BPD. I remember one person did and got a positive result, but that was just one and maybe there were others before I joined. 

Will it really help you to tell her? (I never told my uBPDstbx wife - I preferred to die of natural causes). Don't forget that her emotions form her reality. Reality as you know it plays no role in her logic and by "growing a spine" you are, as she says, "being mean". Do you expect she will understand you defending yourself when you haven't done so all this time?

Sorry to sound so harsh, but if I knew then (when I was in your situation) what I know now, I would be so much better off. Unfortunately, I never really told anyone and therefore had no one to kick my butt and get me moving in the right direction.

[Cipher13]

Sorry to sound so harsh,

You are not being harsh at all in my mind. Thank you. Telling her won't do anything. I suspect only make it worse.

Here is an example of the text I am getting... ."Stop punishing me damn it stop it right now imediately stop it. You keep doing this. I 100% beleive that you do not love me at all if this is how you are to me."

I am out of words for her.

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised at all - with her.

You need help.

You need a lot of help to get you out of the FOG.

What's it going to take?

[Cipher13]

What's it going to take?

Just to leave. Just need to leave. I am tryign to work out somethign with work but I don't want to lean on them as that not there porblem.

[Cipher13]

So I was all set to go home on my lunch break and gather my stuff and leave... .Part of me chickened out and ended up going to the store at her request to get some things she needed. 

Why do I need to have her angry and upset for me to pull this off. She is doing better at the moment.  Now she is looking at summer homes and emailing them to me. I don't know what to make of this yo-yoing. My stomache physically can't take too much more. I used to feel anxious just before she came hoem from work. Now its worse and all I am doing is dreading getting out of work. Granted I have almost 3 hours after work before she gets home. every second that ticks closer I feel sicker.

I know this all makes me sound like a complete loser. I can't afford another sleepless night.

[wishfulthinking]

It's hard, isn't it?  To want so badly to have it all end and knowing the only way is to leave, yet that SMALL teeny tiny part of you still wants to stay... .no matter what they put you through.  Love is a complex and at this moment... .horrible thing.  To be human is so painful and confusing at times.  If my friends were going through what I was, I'd tell them to leave... .why can't I? I separating myself slowly now, what's going to be the final straw?  I think mine happened yesterday, but tomorrow will I love him again?  He doesn't love me, or it doesn't feel that way a lot of the times when he is dysregulated... .but there's those moments... .few and far between anymore... but still there.  Like a drug... .keep you hooked... .

[Surnia]

O Cipher, a big big hug.

I feel with you, about the yo-yo in her hands and the need for sleep and the sickness when she is around again.

What options do you have to get some sleep?

[Bulgakov]

I used to feel anxious just before she came home from work. Now its worse and all I am doing is dreading getting out of work. Granted I have almost 3 hours after work before she gets home. every second that ticks closer I feel sicker.

I know this all makes me sound like a complete loser. I can't afford another sleepless night.

I very much identify with this statement. I get the same anxiety. I end up not getting anything done that I need to because I just want to enjoy a couple hours to myself.

[Cipher13]

[What options do you have to get some sleep?/quote]

Best option for sleep is to leave. Second best option is to hope she is as exhausted as I am and goes to bed at a decent time. She probably will since she was up as late as I was just didn't have to get up for 2 hours later.

I end up not getting anything done that I need to because I just want to enjoy a couple hours to myself.

Its total crap. I have 2 hours of me time I waste worrying about the time to come... .its sickening and its wrong. I don't deserve that. Why do I even allow it. I can have control over it. But I don't.

[Surnia]

What about take your little car and go to a motel nearby?

What do you think about it?

[Afool]

I'm sure you have imagined leaving a thousand times before. I sure did. I planned on leaving when she was gone, but at the end just walked into the room and told her I'm leaving. Got my stuff. She tried to pack my stuff to give me the impression that she was glad. You're natural reaction is for her to beg you to stay. You want that golden moment. If she does know that she is sick and that is an illusion. You are only going to be right back where you started. Have the strength to do what you know you should, brother. Be safe.

[Cipher13]

What about take your little car and go to a motel nearby?

What do you think about it?

Money is super tight. Its ok I can make it in my car if I have to for a while. I can take soem days off work and driv eto my parents if I have to.

[You're natural reaction is for her to beg you to stay/quote]

Perhaps at 1 time this were true. I am the one that begs her and tells her I am not leaving when thats exactly what I have wanted. I know she doesn't want that.

Last night was another long night. Again 3 hrs sleep maybe. Better than nothing at all. We were ( I mean she ) at it again... .or still depending how you look at it... .At 1 point in he night it broke me. I was broken and felt all the sorrow I was blocking out just flood up and fill me. The only good thing that came from that feeling is that it pushed aside the timid person that never stand his ground and allowed me time to say to her how I feel.

She claims that she wants to see me fight for th erelationship like I used to. She said to leave again I said I am staying. She said I don't care. I turned around and left the room... .She was irate. Said is that how you fight for us. I calmly replied back. I fight for something that I want. In this case you have decided for me that no matter how hard I try you don't care. How or why should I be the only one to want this to work. If you claim you do and I am trying to fight do not stop me from fightint for it... If you resist and block it then I won't fight anymore. Its will be a waste of time. There was a lot more to this afterwords to about her bing angry and so on my case about little stuff and never ever letting it go until it reaches these arguement levels. I won't fight that anymore.

So far I think it finally got through. She was seemed to to click a switch in  her head. Her attitude changed. Her tone of voice changed and she said the words I don't think I ever expected from her. At least not then... ."I am sorry".

I hope it wasn't becasue she was tired. It seems genuine and sincere. I am not so naive as to think everything will be better now or that this might not be another yo-yo type thing. If it turns out that way I can finally give myslef the permission to walk away. I have to try to see if this can work out first. I'm sure it will be a struggle. I am weak from all these arguements but I have to try my last ditch effort so that if it doesn't work I know in my heart and in my head I gave it my all until the very end. And mybe I get a surprise and can improve things.  Time will tell... .

[eeyore]

Maybe it's a good time to plan to see your parents for the weekend?  There was a time I took a week break and stayed at my parents home.  It was nice to get some TLC for a week.  I didn't have to tell them the situation.  I just asked if I could stay with them for a few days.  I got a week of peace, some good meals, and time to get my head in a good place.   

[Cipher13]

eeyore

That sounds so so nice. I know absolutely 100% it will be seen as abondonement after she feels we have just attempted to reconcile from the horrible several weeks we just went through. For crying out loud it started last night by me attempting to add a couple more songs to my ipod. I got the laptop out while she was reading the magazine i bought for her. I figure 5 to 10 mins. We were in the same room on the bed doing our own things but together. It took longer as i was having soem toubles with a few files. She was grabbing at my arm and hands to get me to notice her. I said just let me finish this.  Thats were it tured. Afterwords I said I didn't knwo why you were pulling at my arm. If you had said can you put that away so we can spend some time together instead of just grabbing my arm and implying I can see that as a signal.

She claimed I was asked her to then make sure she asks for permission to spend timetogether and all of that... .

I so want to visit my parents though. Especially since its my moms birthday and I haven't spent her birthday with her in maybe 10 years plus. I know my dad has plans and will not be in town that weekend. Still I would really like this.

[Aussie0zborn]

Then do it. By yourself. And enjoy it...

[Cipher13]

Insert Quote

Then do it. By yourself. And enjoy it...

I won't be closed to that idea. However it seems like I just started to get some things improved and to do that might put me back to where I started.  Had last night ended up as it began then I would be going there right after work today! As that was a possible plan I had thought of.

Still it might happen but for now I will see how this goes.

Thanks

[eeyore]

Insert Quote

Then do it. By yourself. And enjoy it...

I won't be closed to that idea. However it seems like I just started to get some things improved and to do that might put me back to where I started.  Had last night ended up as it began then I would be going there right after work today! As that was a possible plan I had thought of.

Still it might happen but for now I will see how this goes.

Thanks

Sounds like walking on eggshells.  At a point in time you will decide you don't want to do it anymore.  Sound like it's easier for you to leave when you are mad and if that is what you need it's ok.   It's about taking the best care of yourself that you can. 

[Cipher13]

Sound like it's easier for you to leave when you are mad and if that is what you need it's ok.   

I came up with this same conclusion yesterday when I was home working in the yard. She was texting and upset but not pushing the leaving thing. I kept telling myself if she brings it up or says I should leave then I was gone. But she didn't so I stayed... .

Also when things seem to be going ok I still think about leaving but it seems less like somethign I am able to do. It is liek I need to be angry and upset to do it but I also need her to be telling me to go.

When she asks questions or asks for opinions to what ever I first think about "what does she want to hear?"  Gets me into a lot of trouble. Her mind changes like the wind so then my "opinions" are all over the map.

Today I told her about this. I said if you find that my opinion doesn't seem like the normal one I give just know its honest and has no ill intent behind it. You might no tliek it but I am done doing things how I used to to get by. She seemed to like the idea. It will prevent the whole "thats not what you first said" arguments.

[GreenMango]

Oh Cipher when you wrote that you told her why you didn't want a baby ... .Well I could have wrote that and then wrote the rest of your post.

Babies are the great magnifiers - the good and bad.  They aren't solutions.

First order of business... .like Surnia said SLEEP.  And then EAT. 

Seriously sleep and eat.  Get a hotel room if you need to.  Take care of yourself - this is essential and what your therapist was talking about in the most basic form.  So do these small things first.

Trust me when I say there will be a time to deal with the fight, or leaving, or babies, or divorce at a better time.

And go see your Mom.  Like eeyore said alone if need be.  She's important too.  It's not too much to do this... .but if you keep capitulating to the unreasonable demands of your wife its sets a standard.  It tells her all I need to do is sleep deprive, emotionally harangue, tantrum or emotionally terrorize him until I get my way.