What happens to them after we leave?

[adizziedoll]

I feel sorrow for this young man, I really do.  I understand now it's cliche for a BP to say things like, "you're the only one who understands me" but, I am literally the only one in his lifetime to ever take his crap long enough to really understand him (as much as anyone could). 

Not for nothing, but it really isn't their fault they are sick.  What makes it a million times worse is that their sickness does everything in it's power to mask the fact they are sick.  The way I see it is that being angry that they don't get help for themselves is almost unfair.  It doesn't make us any less miserable in our relationships, I understand.  However, being aware of his condition, I am almost just as miserable with the thought of letting this poor beast roam the world in the condition it's in.  If I don't take care of him and keep him safe, who will?

By, the way, I'm just as bad with dogs.  I have 3 now, the latest is a dane mix that destroys my house in the peak of a separation anxiety attack.  So, I bring her to daycare, go out of my way to make sure she's never alone, and do everything in my power to help her recover from whatever horrific past she comes from. 

I have a special needs son.  I sacrifice myself to help my friends, almost too much.  I also work in healthcare.  I'm a nurturer, the mothering type, who has also been around mental illness all her life.  I know it's not our "job" to take care of these people, but I kind of feel like it is my job. 

Anyone else?

[Aussie0zborn]

However, being aware of his condition, I am almost just as miserable with the thought of letting this poor beast roam the earth in the condition it's in. If I don't take care of him and keep him safe, who will?

I admire the nurturer in you. 10/10.

Please allow me to answer your question above with a question... .

Who did it before you?

[rosannadanna]

I know it's not our "job" to take care of these people, but I kind of feel like it is my job. 

Are you going to focus on why you feel this way now that you don't have to take care of your "young man" anymore?

I get where your coming from.  I pride myself for the being the one who really gives a damn, but I also have to look at the reason I endured what I did.  That is about my dysfunction.

There is an interesting thread on leaving:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209941.0

Reading the featured article and another one cited in the thread about emotional hypochondriasis is like reading a decription of my guy.  It reminds me of how strong he is.  He survived before me and will survive if we don't work out.  He will struggle with very self-destructive coping mechanisms and chronic discomfort with himself, but he will be ok.  To think otherwise is very narcissisitic.

Take care and good luck on your journey.

[Surnia]

Adizziedoll

Important thoughts in your post. I can relate with it. I grew up for different reasons with strong responsibilities to be there for others and much less for myself.

Since my rs with my exh I am aware that I have caretaker tendencies. Its okay to be empathetic. Its okay taking care of animals or children. I think we have to look carefully about "helping" adults.

[rosannadanna]

I wanted to psueudo correct myself on my use of the word "narcissistic".  I mean it in the context of "vulnerable narcissism" (see 2010's posts) or narcissism that lies within codependency.  There is actually a good article on this site somewhere about how codependency, while appearing to be comprised of traits of selflessness, is actually rooted in quite of alot of self-absorption.

I say to you very humbly, takes one to know one   I spent 42 years of my life being codependent and other-focused.  I didn't even know the feelings I was having when I actually got mindful and focused on me.

This is an opportunity for radical change!

Take care.

[Clearmind]

I realized that I was not showing as much compassion and kindness for myself because I was showering him with all my energy.

It’s not our job to look after a grown adult. I thought the same thing however I realized I was reliving my childhood conditioning of taking care of everyone else but me. I was unhappy and it took a while to understand why.

We cannot help our partners – they need to help themselves – otherwise we simply become a trigger to their behaviour and enable rather than support.

Enabling a person with BPD does not help them it hinders them.

The book "I don't have to make everything all better" outlines six practical principles that empower others to solve their own problems while enriching your relationship... .Gary and Joy lundberg – simply book and well worth the read.

[adizziedoll]

Who did it before you?

On a deeper emotional level, quite literally nobody.  I actually quite surprised he's still alive.  His parents are nice enough, but they honestly didn't do a damn thing with him.  Middle child syndrome. He began drinking alone in his room at barley 12 years old, nobody notices or does a thing about it.  Attempted suicide a few times, notta.  Attacked his brother and started hacking at a door with an axe ... .the police are called, restraining order is set, but still living in the house, and yes, notta.  Came home countless times with the police ... .you guessed it, notta.  His friends all just would kick his behind when he got out of line and enabled his drinking.

When I said I am literally the only one who took the time with this kid, I mean it.  When I met him he was completely clueless of how to handle himself or where to even begin.  I have seen a lot of improvement over the years, and he has just started therapy where he got his diagnosis.  You would think somebody, a parent?, would have done that already.  Especially since he lives/lived in their home and they have watched their son go down the drain.

He still scares the ever loving nonsense out of me sometimes, and I wonder if I should call it quits.  And right now, I am admittedly miserable.  But I stay because I still see the hope and the work he does to try.  It takes years to change bad habits.  I also stay because when he is stable, he is my best friend, the best friend I ever had.  When he is stable, there's a fire that I have never had.  When he is stable ... .

Are you going to focus on why you feel this way now that you don't have to take care of your "young man" anymore?

Yes.  Because whether I either choose to leave or choose to stay, I have to change too.  I do self-improve, but this is just beyond me.  I think a T would be my best bet.  I've been avoiding it for a long time.  

[Ironmanrises]

I realized that I was not showing as much compassion and kindness for myself because I was showering him with all my energy.

It’s not our job to look after a grown adult. I thought the same thing however I realized I was reliving my childhood conditioning of taking care of everyone else but me. I was unhappy and it took a while to understand why.

We cannot help our partners – they need to help themselves – otherwise we simply become a trigger to their behaviour and enable rather than support.

Enabling a person with BPD does not help them it hinders them.

The book "I don't have to make everything all better" outlines six practical principles that empower others to solve their own problems while enriching your relationship... .Gary and Joy lundberg – simply book and well worth the read.

In bold.



And it hurts you further in the process.

Well said Clearmind.

[Surnia]

adizziedoll

Working with a T sounds like a good plan!