parenting plan ?

[eilmurf]

Hi there, were not divorced yet but seperated 2 years and husband is now very quickly moving things along. He sent a parenting plan on court papers via email today and says wants 50/50 custody and wants our 2 year old for 90 days of the summer. Hes military and in another state. Can he get that amount of time at one go? Im in Florida, and I believe he threw that number in there as it brings down his costs of care. He tried to do the same with his ex (same cycle,im wife #3). Hes a narc so its always about the money. BTW he has two other kids who he hardly ever sees as they are older now and dont want much to do with him but when he was having his time when they were smaller he never had them for more than 3 days as he could cope with them. Any advice? 

[Herculite]

Hi eilmurf,

Sorry to hear your predicament. My instant reaction is, do you have a family lawyer on board. If not, you need one. Or at least some professional legal advice. I don't live in the USA, but I know every state in your country has it's own interpretation of the law.

But I honestly can't see how any legal authority could award such a long period of time, for a child so young, and to go interstate.

Could your X be bluffing?

[eilmurf]

Thanks so much for your response. I have no money for an attorney but I will call and get some legal advice with free consult. The laws are changing all the time here so I will have to update. He put 90 days as this will bring down his child payment- he hates parting with money as he is a narc as well as uBPD- all the symptoms. I think he is serious this time, weve been seperated for 2 years with him traveling back and forth for visits. He now has a "new" Couselor and he has gotten worse not better. It seems this counselor is siding with him and HEs not the issue I am. He told me last week that he now believes it wasnt his childhood (trauma) that was so much the issue but his marriage as to his behavior problems. I dont know if he can get him for 90 days straight, thats what I plan to find out. I dont trust the system and am finding it hard as it it feel so week after 6 years of utter head games and emotional abuse and now have to face this.

[Herculite]

Hopefully someone more local will give you some accurate advice soon. Sorry, I'm in Australia, so can't give much legal help.

I can relate to your emotional suffering though. Me: 20 years with a uBPD STBXW who I left just 3 1/2 months ago. Most of that time I new there was something wrong with her, I just didn't know what. After her third affair, and 3 more years of false reconciliation, I cut her loose. No regrets.

But now I have similar problems to you. We live in the same city, but she is creating problems with 50/50 custody orders. We haven't even started property settlement yet

I also find the mental health profession an issue. My experience is, they are always reluctant to diagnose any PD. I know it's a subjective profession, but there is a lot of room for improvement IMHO.

Take care!

[ForeverDad]

Probably question #1 is, What is the current parenting arrangement?  Has he until now gotten your preschooler half the time and all the summers?  I'm asking for the parenting time history.  If he is asking for more parenting than he currently exercises, then he may have a hard time convincing a court to change the current arrangement, especially if you step up and stand up for yourself and your child.

In my family court and also initially mentioned by my Custody Evaluator, the parenting time history meant a lot.  So when I separated from my ex, even getting a temp protection order for a few months due to her threats of DV, family court ignored that "adult" behavior.  My court and even the evaluator at first (1) looked at her history of majority time "parenting", (2) I went off to work 5 days a week while she "worked from home" (though at the time the TPO blocked her from living at home) and (3) even though courts are officially gender neutral, mothers often get an unspoken and unwritten default preference.

I expect you will reply that he rarely sees his child or at least far less than 50/50.  Well, that "history" is vital to present to the court.  Your history as primary caregiver gets strong recognition in courts.  So don't cave in to his Narcissistic demands so he can evade financial responsibility.

Generally it ends up being joint legal custody unless the court sees a need to award legal custody to just one parent.  If you don't oppose his parenting schedule, then he would most likely also become the Residential Parent for School Purposes, perhaps even the "primary" parent.  That means wherever he lived, the child (and you) must follow too.  As a military person, he may change assignments frequently.  My point is that you can't sit passively and let him set the tone for the case, you need to be proactive and assertive.

I'm presuming he filed in the state he currently resides in?  (If he has lived in that state for at least 6 months then he may have the right to file there.)  Likely he moves from base to base depending on assignments.  Discuss with a lawyer whether you can petition to have your county and state assume jurisdiction in the divorce since this is where the child lives.  Otherwise, you will have to either move there or have your case decided while you live remotely.

Fact check:  Just because he is asking for 50/50 and the entire summer doesn't mean he will get it.  He can file asking for anything, he could just as easily seek 85% or even more.  Doesn't mean he will get what he files.  He could ask for the sun, moon and stars - and entitled people generally do - doesn't mean he will get it all.  It's YOUR responsibility to file for what you feel is appropriate, typically letting him get alternate weekends, though if he lives out of state, he may not even get that much.

Repeat:  Your history of majority parenting time is strongly in your favor.  Combined with other factors you need to bring to the court's attention you may do better than you fear.

Additional factors in your favor:

• He has lived out of his car much of the time in the past.



• He didn't parent his older children for more than a few days at a time and now they don't see him very much.



• He is financially unstable, debt collectors involved.  (You may have financial risk, so try to get the court to have him assume all his debts.)

You mentioned you don't have a work history or skills.  Try to get the court to order him to provide short term alimony in addition to child support so that you can attend a college or career center to get a 2 year degree so you can then support yourself.  (You could be doing some of that with online universities even now.)  Picture yourself training to be a medical technician, LPN, or some other career.  All you need is a couple years to do that or something similar.

When you do get your legal consultations, either for a small fee or free, be sure to bring along the points, suggestions and strategies mentioned here.

[eilmurf]

Hi forever dad, thank you so much for you response. When your in a constant state of fear its hard to know what is best anymore, I feel like I have permanent brain damage after 6 years. Right now as it stands there is nothing on file with the court here. Ive resided here with my kids for 5 years hes in another state 2 years. He normally tries to get back here to Fl every 3-4 months for a few days at most to spend time with his son that is all he can afford as he is paying rent for hse we had here plus utilites etc. He just cut down the money he was giving me for groceries child stuff etc last month to half within any notice and kept the tax return almost 8000 without saying a word to me. Hes very secretive ad very devious always thinks your trying to get one over on him. I'm taking classes online (forever it seems) and will have a BA by next spring, its been a long hard slog and a wonder ive even made it this far. I was in a 2 yr medical program and couldnt get through due to the constant antics from him, I couldnt focus on my studies and was starting to fail in class. He knows he has to file inthe state we reside in, hes been through this before so is a little more legal smart this time around. I do know that when he does file I will have to have a good attorney whether I can afford one or not as I do not trust him with something as serious as this. Yes he doesnt see his other 2 kids much at all, when they were younger he tries all the stunts but now there older and tell him they dont want to see him so now he is honing in on my little guy and putting all his focus on him. He says he wants a peaceful process of me signing the papers and hes open to any changes on the paper he has sent me. Like I said I do not trust him and am very much afraid of what he might do. Ive never heard of the other parent getting 90 days straight for the summer if the child is residing with the other, but maybe Im clueless of the law, then him being military also no doubt proposes other hurdles as you mentioned. Im trying to get as much info as I can, checking out attorneys online and plan to call for free consult. He is very good at what he does and has everyone fooled, like I said counselors etc normally turn on me he has then all wrapped up, his ex told me he was very good at what he does and now I get what she means. He has stopped harassing her as the kids are older 10, 12 and cut him out. When they were younger it was a nightmare for them and Im afraid he will do the same with our 2 year old. Yeah e only put 50/50 to get the cost down its typical of his behavior. I know he wants to cut us out real quick as were costing him a bundle. To be fair he has paid bills for 2 years with no change in our situation. I think even a normal relationship wouldnt have lasted this long. Im surprised this has,,but its come at a hugh cost to me, emotionally physically Im a wreck. I cant move quick enough to try get on my feet, got a littl epart time job while trying to finsih school but hardly enough to cover anything on my own. Thank you for mentioning jurisdiction, this is important. He says he would do more parenting time if I wasnt eating up all his money, however he spent no more time with his other kids when he say them, in fact in all 10 years the most was 2 weeks. So even though theres presently no order in place the court will look at the routine or history that is already the norm? I was told I would get no alimony as were married just over 6 years. Hes been threatening dovorce for that entire time so I have talked to attorneys in the past only now the focus is the child. I will keep the points you mentioned and bring them up to attorney, thank you so much again, its hard to think straight under so much pressure and I value your time to answer and provide some insight and things for me to think about

[ForeverDad]

First, don't believe anything he claims since it would be his perception, his interpretation, his entitlement, his pressuring and to his benefit.  (Actually, if you had to describe something to him, you would word it as favorably for yourself as you could without lying or being unfair.  On the other hand, there is no reciprocity with a xPD, he would word it as favorably for himself without concern for lying, unfairness, consequences, etc.)  See him as acting without restraint and to extremes whereas a reasonably normal person might act somewhat similarly only to a minor degree BUT with with restraint and not to extremes.

If he has been remote for two years and has only seen his child every few months, then at most the likely temp order the court would order would allow him "standard" alternate weekends and and an evening or overnight in between.  As for a final order, a lot depends upon the case, whether a custody evaluation is done and other factors.  In many cases the temporary order morphs virtually unchanged into a final order, so it is very important to get the most favorable temporary order possible from the very start of the legal case.  Don't let a lawyer tell you, "No big deal, it's lousy now but we'll fix it later."  A 'fix' may never happen so try to get the best start to your case so you're not struggling to 'fix' prior errors.

Frankly, him seeking 50/50 is unreasonable as long as he lives elsewhere.  He would have that additional time on paper but never actually use it.  Yes, he's probably doing it all just so he can avoid paying child support.  Courts are familiar with that tactic, you or your lawyer should not be hesitant to state so very clearly, that he's seeking so much so that he can reduce or eliminate child support obligations.

Him seeking 90 days during the summer is only a little less unreasonable.  If he's a remote parent with minimal contact during the school year, then additional time during summers does happen for many but generally only a larger portion of the summer, not all of it.  But if he were to ever get 50/50 (unlikely of course) then getting the entire summer or even most of the summer would be unreasonable and unnecessary.  If he needed more time during the summer than otherwise scheduled, then he could just use Vacation time (sometimes called Extended Time).

Good for you to be taking the initiative for career training!  Meanwhile, you will only find out what support the court will give when the court tells you so.  A local lawyer would have a general idea of the likely decisions by the court.  Even if you would be unlikely to get alimony doesn't mean you wouldn't get some short term spousal support (along with the regular child support) so you can finish school, get a job and get established independently after the marriage.  (Remember, if you don't ask for it you WON'T get it, but if you do ask for it you MIGHT get it.  )

Since he's already started cutting you off financially, it might be to your advantage to be proactive, file first and put forth your own proposed outcome.*  Then, guess what, he would be the one playing catch up and he would be the one on the defensive.

* At a minimum... .

• Seek joint custody with tie-breaker or decision-making status.  The court may be reluctant to grant you full or sole legal custody, it all depends on your state, and the details of your case.



• Request to be Residential Parent for School Purposes (child will be attending school soon)



• Request to be the primary parent with majority time.  Determine whether a typical schedule in your area is satisfactory.  Generally it is where you get all time except for alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between.



• Request that he not get make-up time if he fails to exercise his scheduled parenting timeat most an extra week or two during the summer



• Request that if he gets additional time during the summer, that it is no more than a total of six weeks (about half the summer according to most school schedules) including vacation time.



• Request that you get the first and last week of summer so that the child ends the school year properly and is back for the start of the new school year.



• Request reasonable holiday and vacation schedules probably matching fairly closely the ones used by the court, make sure they are effective even in the temp order (our temp orders can take a long time, sometimes up to 1-2 years)



• Due to his secretiveness on financial matters and hoarding the marital assets, seek disclosure of his income, at least 3 years of tax filings, all bank and credit accounts, all material assets such as houses, lots, vehicles, etc.  Expect stonewalling. If he has hidden significant funds then you may need a Special Master, a forensic accountant.



• File for him to pay your legal and court expenses, especially if they will exceed your share of the marital assets.



• Etc

[momtara]

Don't let it intimidate you.  That's very unreasonable.

[ForeverDad]

Don't let it intimidate you.

A lot of what goes into the paperwork from an entitled spouse is Shock & Awe.  It's so horrendous and outrageous that our first reaction is "Literally anything less is better then that!"

For example, if he had requested, "Alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between" - which is generally reasonable for a non-primary parent - you would have thought, "But that's far more than the parenting time he uses now!"  However, having received his actual paperwork which is so far off base with current reality, an uninformed and timid spouse might respond, "No you can't have all summer but I guess I can accept 50/50."

Do you see how overreaching demands work psychologically on you the unwary or fair-minded recipient?  The other asks for so much that you are willing to accept something you would have previously rejected as too much.  Yes, that's right, this is psychological warfare and he's likely an expert at it.  That's why is very helpful to pose questions and options here in peer support even though we aren't lawyers giving legal advice, so you get a range of practical and insightful responses and then you have more information to decide upon your tactics, strategies and goals.

To emphasize what was written before, your history of majority parenting means a lot to the court, the court will not lightly set that aside.  He may try to pressure and intimidate you into what he wants but the reality is that if you don't agree with him then it goes into mediation and if that fails - as it often does - then the judge gets to decide. The judge is the real authority and typically you'll get a better outcome from a judge than you would from any early settlement offered by the disordered spouse.  The court prefers settlements but that does not mean you have to cave in and live with a lousy settlement.  And judges are reluctant to change the status quo by very much, especially if it is currently working.

[momtara]

Exactly.

My hubby asked to be the primary caregiver even though he had repeatedly sent me emails saying he coudlnt' take care of the kids.  I got scared anyway.  In the end, he just asked for one overnight every 2 weeks.  I took the plan gladly in mediation and forgot to demand that he keep seeing a shrink.  But it was better than going to court, I guess.

[Free One]

Him seeking 90 days during the summer is only a little less unreasonable.  If he's a remote parent with minimal contact during the school year, then additional time during summers does happen for many but generally only a larger portion of the summer, not all of it.  But if he were to ever get 50/50 (unlikely of course) then getting the entire summer or even most of the summer would be unreasonable and unnecessary.  If he needed more time during the summer than otherwise scheduled, then he could just use Vacation time (sometimes called Extended Time).

It does seem unreasonable, to me, to request 90 days in the summer for a 2-year-old. That is too long to be away from the primary care giver.

I, too, do not see how 50/50 could possibly be accomplished with such distance between parents.

Please seek out Legal Aid or some other means to an attorney for advice. Also, when you do finally have a plan in place, if he still lives out of state, make sure it includes arrangements for who is responsible for travel costs and escorting child back and forth for visitations.