Crashing down... again

[Eclaire5]

I am back in the hole again. The past few months had been rather stable and peaceful since our dd20 seemed to be doing very well once she began taking a combination of Prozac and Seroquel. She still had a few anger outbursts, but much less intense and short lived. She began beauty school in March, a one year program, and had been consistent with her attendance and excelling at her work (she does have a natural gift when it comes to helping others look their best, but not so much with herself). My husband and I were thrilled at her progress but as I should have expected, the plane is starting to crash again.

A few weeks ago she met a new group of “friends” and has been staying at their home most of the time. She stopped going to school last week, left her medication at home, and has not even bothered to come and get a change of clothes. Our relationship became much closer in the past few months and a couple of weeks ago she was telling me how concerned she was about her friend and his sister (the people she has been staying with) because they are heroin users. She is open about using pot herself, but apparently has never gotten into any heavier drug use, and said that she was concerned about her friends. I got really worried when she told me but did not overreact and tried to give her the type of advice I would give a friend. She took my advice well and we left it as that, but the worry never left me. Now that she is just staying there every day and not going to school is driving me crazy imagining the worse. I have been really depressed since yesterday and was barely able to make it through work today. Goodness… Even when we think things are finally turning around we get a slap from reality  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Eclair,

Good to see you here again though the situation isn't the best.  I can see why you would be concerned, I think you have good cause. 

One of the things I found with my dd16 is that she can easily fall into a pattern.  I also found that breaking that pattern could get her back on the right track.  If her new friendships were not supportive of the positive things in her life I would suggest that we invite one of her "old" friends to go shopping with us or to spend the night.  If she got away from her art work that seemed to be therapeutic for her I would pull out her supplies and ask her Dad to start working on something.  This would grab her attention and she would get back into drawing/creating.

It may take more than one attempt to pull her back into the positives of her life and a relationship with you... it is worth trying.  It is similar to positive reinforcement. Instead of saying "don't do that" we lead them in a different direction that replaces the unhealthy with the healthy.

I'm sure others have suggestions as well.  I hope something written here will help.

Hang onto the positive things/days/weeks/months, they aren't erased by a negative.

lbjnltx

[Bonus mom]

Eclaire5,

I can only imagine how terribly difficult this time is for you - all I have to offer, I'm afraid, is a hug and support, as you're facing something that I haven't had to go through yet.

Bonus mom

[qcarolr]

Eclaire5,

The cycling nature of BPD is one of the hardest realities for me to face, especially after an extended positive period - seeking treatment, taking meds., working on goal of independence going to school. Sometimes it helps me to recall those times that seemed impossible and remember that the up cycle has always come.

The drug connection, and her isolation at these new 'friends' home is really concerning. Would you D respond to just meeting you for coffee or lunch? For you to listen and validate what is going on in her life and let her know you love has and are there for her?

Thanks for letting know how things are going with you.

qcr

[Eclaire5]

Thank you guys, that is great advise. I do need to remember to focus on the positives, and to always keep in mind that these cycles do happen and if I have survived them before, I can survive them again. I will try to get her one on one this weekend. It's my husband's birthday today, and she told us yesterday that she wants to have dinner with us, so we will see... .Like all of us, the nagging question so often comes to my mind: when is this going to stop? Apparently BPD runs its course in their 30's and they do get better in a more consistent basis, but it's just soo exhausting. I have learned A LOT in this site and can't be grateful enough for finding you all. I don't post much because I am usually really busy with work, but whenever I get a little break, I come here and read the stories and words of encouragement to one another and that in itself helps me to feel less lonely and hopeless.

[Dibdob59]

Hi Eclaire5

You state that BPD runs its course when they are in their 30s. Can you tell me me where you heard that please? 

From what I understood BPDs continue to exhibit erratic behaviours until late in life.  Many posts on the other boards are from people who have elderly parents, siblings etc who still rage and cause great disruption in everyone's lives.  I would like to believe it eases in their 30s but don't know what evidence there is of that.

Dibdob

[Eclaire5]

I have read it in a few articles. I am going to cut and paste one of them and it gives a concise explanation of the possible reasons:

Burn Out

Some experts have speculated that BPD symptoms decline because the symptoms naturally “burn out” or that people simply grow out of the symptoms as they mature. In particular, research has shown that the impulsivity symptoms of BPD are the most likely to decline over time (which is consistent with the observation that, in general, older people engage in less impulsive behavior).

Learning

Other experts think that BPD symptoms may decline because as you age, you learn how to better manage your symptoms. For some people, this learning may come as the result of intensive treatment, but for others this may be the result of the natural learning that comes from negotiating life’s challenges.

Avoidance of Intimate Relationships

Finally, experts have speculated that BPD symptoms decline because over time you may learn to avoid situations that trigger symptoms. For example, for many people with BPD, problems in interpersonal relationships trigger the most intense reactions and symptoms. As a result, people with BPD may start to avoid interpersonal relationships altogether in order to reduce their distress. Joel Paris, one of the world’s leading researchers on the course of BPD symptoms, refers to this as becoming “comfortably alone.”


Of course, the decline in symptoms does not apply to all cases, but the thought of my daughter improving with age as many BPDs do,   gives me hope 8 :-)