Saddened by how crooked family courts can be

[sanemom]

especially if disordered person finds a negative advocate or two... .

This all started three years ago, and I feel like we are at least making headway (not out of the woods, but going in the right direction for the first time).  So I am taking a step back and looking at all of the mess with the negative advocates involved:

1.  BPD mom found an attorney to feel sorry for her... .felt the need to rescue her from her "evil ex" (my dh).  Not sure what all she told her attorney, but she told an ex husband that my dh has sexually abused DSD, that he beat BPD mom, etc.  I would not be surprised if she has told her attorney the same story.  This attorney is not getting paid.

2.  BPD mom got the GAL to feel sorry for her.  He has given her legal advice, referred her to an attorney when she was going pro se, and has even let her know ahead of time what our legal strategy was after speaking with our attorney.  He has also tried to bully my DH into settling or "he may lose the boys".  

3.  BPD mom found a counselor to work with DSD, who did not include my DH in the process, and when my DH went into meet her months later, it was obvious she was biased against him.  Who knows what BPD mom told her.  BPD mom just found out Friday that this counselor was now no longer on the case.  On Saturday night, according to DSS, she went out to eat with this counselor and DSS.  How is that for inappropriate and unethical?

Fortunately, we got a good attorney AND I did quite a bit of networking in the past few years to figure out how to work the system and who to employ (getting a different counselor, for instance, who is experienced with high conflict personalities as well as finding a counselor to work with the boys and hear about BPD mom's manipulations there).  But IF I didn't do the networking, it is sad where I think we would be today with the crooked GAL and unethical counselor.  It should not be this hard.  It seems that negative advocates fight harder than people "just doing their jobs."

[ForeverDad]

I can understand the other's lawyer being a negative advocate, just barely, because the L is working for the client, um, even a non-paying client.  One would hope though that eventually reality would dawn on even the duped lawyer.  But as Bill Eddy noted, some are problem solvers, others are negative advocates.  However the children's GAL and therapists have an obligation to put the children's interests first and that includes keeping their eyes open to the facts.

And although often gender can become an issue where one gender is favored over the other, some female mothers and spouses here have reported that their disordered males manage to disrupt the judicial process just as much as the females do.  Still, there likely is to some extent in many places greater default preference given to women, even if unwritten and unspoken.

I've often remarked to those around me that if gender roles were totally reversed in my case, where I had instead started off with majority time parenting history, had a TPO protecting my ex from my death threats, would I as the male gender have been able to get a temp order giving me temp custody and majority time?  Would the temp order have remained unchanged for some two years while two reports came out casting me in an unfavorable light, one saying my female spouse should increase time to 50% and the other recommending I immediately lose my temp custody?  Would it have taken 5+ years from divorce filing before my well-behaving female ex managed to get custody?  Would it have taken 8+ years from divorce filing before my well-behaving female ex managed to maybe get majority time?  I hardly think so.  I think it would have changed so swiftly my head would have spun.  Who knows, since it's hypothetical?  Of course, I'm jaded a bit about the whole matter.

Slight deviation.  I just bought Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.  I imagined I would find in the foreword or introduction a disclaimer that women can take on this role too.  Sadly, the only expansion beyond men I have found thus far is that he wrote gay and lesbian couples can have these issues too.  Why he was silent on the fact that heterosexual women can be controllers and abusers too, I don't know.  At least he could have stated so and that he was focusing mainly on men.

[whippled]

5 years ago at our initial hearing my exBPDw admitted to using my sons health fictitiously to get attention as well as admitted to bigamy(she was married when we got married and I didnt know).  I had a battery against me and that was it.  The judge turned her in on perjury and bigamy but gave us 50/50.  I fought for a few months, had a protective order against me for false claims, found out she had 13 other felonies pending, and cps was involved with her.  On top of that, I was paying her support while he was with me half the time.  She had given the GAL a letter from an exgf from 5 years earlier because she was in school for psychology and knew me so well. 

Finally 6 months after this mess started CPS called and said they were removing her from the house and I needed to come get my son.  I was given guardianship and it took another 5 months to get custody switched.  Her lawyer and my lawyer were friends and she came out in the hall during mediation and said basically she just wants to walk around saying she has joint custody.  The details for her was that she had use of taxes on the even years unless she couldnt file, and visitation. I had final decision, primary physical custody and the odd years.  Her lawyer had been bitten by her too many times as well as not being paid and was over it.  CPS was involved with it as they were pushing for it. 

The day it went to be entered into court CPS was sitting by her with the CASA and we had no clue why, until we got into court.  She had given them the same letter the GAL had and they were trying to hslt the proceedings.   Kind of funny theyre all for and then against me.  Luckily my judge told them he wouldnt hear the CASA as we had a GAL. 

So do the courts make sense?  Not always.  Are some of them easily wrapped up in manipulation?  Yes, especially if the BPD is good at it.  Ive seen quite a bit that makes zero sense.  Like she gets 5 yrs probation after a year total in jail for stealing her kids adhd meds plus resisting etc.  6 more felonies on top of the 5 she had gotten 1 1/2 yrs prior and it included habitual offender.  Sometimes we just have to pay our due diligence and let them hang themselves, but I have found staying alert and proactive can help deter them or at least keep you one step ahead.