9 year old grandson has problems - BPD mother

[rosie0523]

DD45 has been diagnosed with BPD.  My GS9 has lived with her and his dad since birth.  My DD loves her son very much.  There is frequent emotional chaos in the home.  My daughter has had screaming, hateful, nasty bouts of anger that include slamming doors, accusations, blaming, walking out of the house, threatening to kill herself or move away, using foul language, saying how much she hates my GS's dad.  She can't hold a job for more than a few weeks, has no friends locally, is constantly sick with something or another, and constantly complains about finances.  This has been going on since my GS was born.  DD also feels the need to manage everything he eats and is constantly on him, correcting him at every turn.  She says this is her job to teach her son but she never lets up.  If he doesn't do as he is supposed to she will sit him down to explain what he has done wrong over and over and over and won't let him be.  He often runs into his room, locks the door, and screams that he  hates her and he wants to die.  After,  he pulls out of it and acts normally.  He also has problems in school.  He is very bright but doesn't feel the need to do his work.  It is as though he doesn't care.  He has some friends, although not what I would call close (maybe that's just the age).  He has problems around too many people, doesn't like to be touched much, and eats a very limited variety of food.  He absolutely refuses to try anything new.  He is with me at least once a week and for the most part he is pretty good.  He does have a temper, often over small things, which I let him get over and then he settles himself down.  He has started to see a counselor and the school is going to work with him.  Does anyone have any other sugestions or similar experiences.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi rosie0523,

Similar and different with my family. My gd8 has always lived with dh and I. Her mom has been in and out of our home and gd's life since about 9 months. The dad was mostly gone and calls about once a year now. Gd no longer will talk to him. There has been much chaos in our home as I have tried to be a good influence for DD27. I am realizing this has impacted gd greatly. She also has genetic potential from both her parents troubles in school, substance use, mental health issues.

The results are similar to yours for gd. SHe is doing much better with the support in school, support for me, and limits on DD access to our home yet again. I have also done a lot of reading on attachment based approaches to parenting - sometimes called 'loved based parenting'. The basic focus is that if the caregiver can maintain a regulated state, find ways to gently be present with the child even in the worst moments, that this can lead to the child's state becoming regulated. Over time the child learns the skills needed to self-regulate.

If you can provided this for your gs when he is with you, this may give him the ability to learn ways to cope with is home situation better. Finding caring adults willing to help him regulate at school is also an essential ingredient. This view is often seeming to be in opposition to the more behavior focused views. If you are interested I can share the books that have helped me the most in shifting my own views to this loved based technique or attitude.

My gd's T is the one that first loaned me a book that started my journey into reading parenting books. She took a training in one method last year and her quiet comment to me "I wish I had learned about this years ago". She works in a publicly funded mental health center with many foster/adopt/chaos impacted kids.

qcr  

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, rosie0523... .You sound like you have your hands full, with a BPD daughter and a grandson who is having to deal with her. He is very lucky to have you and your husband in his life! I'm happy you are so aware of his situation, and giving him a sense of normalcy at least once per week. Too bad he can't stay with you more often, so that he has more of a respite from his Mom. It sure sounds like she is pretty hard on him; poor kid! You are his angel, and thank God you know as much as you do about BPD and what he is dealing with... .

My nephew's Mom (my S-I-L) isn't BPD, but is pretty much a hypochondriac, and he was diagnosed very young as being in the Autism/Tourette's spectrum. A lot of the behaviors he has exhibited in his life sound similar to your grandson's (I'm not saying that these diagnoses would be given for your grandson; just that I know the kinds of things you are seeing in him). My nephew is a good kid (well, he's in his early 20's now), is almost out of college, and though life has been a tricky road for him to navigate, he is doing well.

I love my S-I-L, but would never want her as a Mom... .she isn't as mean and angry as your daughter sounds to be, but has some of her behaviors as far as hovering over her son and expecting him to be perfect. Like your daughter, she had just the one child; unlike her, S-I-L is divorced and has been raising my nephew alone since he was about 4 years old or so. But, I have to say that she's been a mamma bear in looking out for her son and getting him the attention of the medical and school community that he needed/needs to make it through his life. In that respect, she's sorta like you; and that's what the poor kid needs. Thank God you are there for him