What does she want?

[downandin]

My birthday is this weekend, and she invited some of my friends over.  I told her I would try to act happy, but it wasn't going to be easy, as I found out my mother was dying 10 years ago (on my 35th birthday).  Now, on my 45th, I am losing her.  She got mad and said that I always use my mother's death as an excuse.  It turned out to be a bad fight.  She says she wants to separate so she can date other men.  I told her to go ahead if that is what she feels she must do.  "Sure," she said, "and then invite them back to my place and tell them my husband is there."  She says that she just needs time and I won't give her space.  I don't have anywhere to go!  I don't have any money that is not spent on paying bills.  I told her that she could go stay at her Father's.  He has a big house with two empty bedrooms.  She said she couldn't do that, since it is an hour away from the kids' schools.  I said, they could stay with me.  That is when the proverbial 'crap' hit the fan.  She said "I will not leave my children, I want to leave you!"  I lost it, then.

I have given up everything, including children of my own, for my stepchildren.  I have every right for them to live with me, especially while she has her 'midlife crisis.'  I would never try to take them from her, but she had better not try to take them from me, because they love me just as much as her and they are almost grown; the youngest is 17.  She may just find that if she does that, that she is the one who loses them, by their own choice!

What the Crap am I supposed to do.  Somebody tell me.  She made me refinance the home and take out all the equity to pay her bills so she could take a lower paying job and go back to school.  I could have retired in 5 years if I had not done this for her.  Now my mortgage payment, car payment, and utilities take every penny I make and then some.  My mother and father are both dead, and I have no other family that I can go to.  What does she expect, me just to disappear?  No matter what, I lose.  This is another of her no win situations imposed upon me.  Like the refinance, like the quitting jobs so I don't have to hear how miserable she is, like the going back to school.  Since I have to stay home, she will say that I didn't give her the space she needed.  If she does find a way to leave, she'll say I made her and the boys leave.  She said it is my fault, so I should be the one to go.  Since every problem we have ever had is all 'my fault' why should I be surprised.  She has never been wrong about anything in our marriage.  What the crap does she want?  :)oes she want me to go and be homeless and live in a box, while she lives in our 3000 square foot home with her beautiful (no-win situation) swimming pool, because I don't see any other alternative.

Please, someone, tell me what to do, because I do not know.  

[MaybeSo]

It sounds like she wanted for you to enjoy your birthday with friends.

[downandin]

It sounds like she wanted for you to enjoy your birthday with friends.

Maybe, maybe not. I never know if she is sincere. And does she really think that is possible with everything that's on my mind?   I'm not even eatting most days.

[downandin]

By the way,  I'm sorry for using the'C' word in the title.   I didn't think it would bother anyone.   It was just the kindest and most fitting euphimism I could think of to describe the state of my life.   She told the youngest son today.   He is already seeing a Psychiatrist for anger and OCD, and afterwards,  we were playing basketball and he cursed for the very first time in front of me.   He said both the ':)' and 'S' word.  I knew this would happen,  and she didn't even care.   He's 17.

[downandin]

It sounds like she wanted for you to enjoy your birthday with friends.

Oh , and MaybeSo, I talked to my best friend,  this afternoon after your reply.  He knows what is going on and said he was 'floored' when my wife who wants to separate invited him to a birthday party for me.   He said she is manipulating my emotions.  And,  besides,  that wasn't exactly the point of my original post.   I wanted serious advice,  not a flippant reply.

[eeyore]

Please, someone, tell me what to do, because I do not know.  

Where in all of this did you set any boundaries?  That's what I think you need to do.  Read through the lessons and learn them well.  Since you are posting on the staying board the other alternative is to accept living miserably for the sake of staying.   

Or you could decide to make yourself happy and give up on the relationship.  I don't think you are there yet. 

[downandin]

Please, someone, tell me what to do, because I do not know.  

Where in all of this did you set any boundaries?  That's what I think you need to do.  Read through the lessons and learn them well.  Since you are posting on the staying board the other alternative is to accept living miserably for the sake of staying.   

Or you could decide to make yourself happy and give up on the relationship.  I don't think you  are there yet. 

I don't want to separate and she does.  I have told her over and over that I can't and won't leave.  Is that not a clear boundary?  Her reponse to this is that she needs space and I won't give it and she won't leave.  I am on the staying board because I don't want us to separate.  What I'm asking is should I break my boundary and go further in debt to rent an apartment or hold firm.  She is going to then want a divorce for sure because I did not give her the space she asked for.

[eeyore]

Could you run the scenario for what happens if neither of you will leave?  What happens?

Could you run the scenario for what happens if she files for divorce?  What happens?

What do you want?  Is what you want possible?

[waverider]

Why do you want to stay in the RS?

Is it because you have no alternatives?

If so that is more out of codependency, which is not healthy.

Maybe you need to work more on codependency issues so that staying becomes a decision of choice with real plans to make things better.

What eeyore is getting at is what are your real choices?

Are you really setting boundaries or just stubbornly making demands? The consequencies you are experiencing are the result of these demands. Boundaries are to protect you from emotional and physical harm. This action is making things worse for you rather than better. Making it clear that you are staying regardless of what she dumps on you is not a boundary, it is a clean sheet to do whatever she wants and to blame it on you. You are staying for the abuse.

The kids are of an age where they can practically choose their own path, and are not a long term concern in this bigger problem

She made me refinance the home and take out all the equity to pay her bills so she could take a lower paying job and go back to school

How did she make you? You chose to do this.

She says that she just needs time and I won't give her space

This is her problem not yours

She says she wants to separate so she can date other men.  I told her to go ahead if that is what she feels she must do.  "Sure," she said, "and then invite them back to my place and tell them my husband is there."

This comes across as either having no boundaries, or you simply don't care, or just sarcasm. Either way it is not going to a positive or constructive response.

What the crap does she want?

Does it matter? She wont know, and you won't be able to second guess it. Concentrate on working towards what you want, and that shouldn't be in the RS regardless of whatever is dumped on you, that is not having boundaries. She will keep pushing until she finds a boundary, if she doesn't find one she will take all your self pride.

[Somewhere]

Let go or be dragged.

At 45, you still have a chance for a Very Happy beyond this.

You do not need to rent an apartment or anything else.

Just let go of that which is burning you.

[eeyore]

Maybe you need to work more on codependency issues so that staying becomes a decision of choice with real plans to make things better.

What eeyore is getting at is what are your real choices?

Are you really setting boundaries or just stubbornly making demands?

Thank you waverider.  I was hoping we might get an answer by now but I suspect being home doesn't give much time for privacy to post here. 

[downandin]

I thank everyone here for trying to help.  I think it is just too late for me.  Maybe, if I had found this site early in our marriage and started working on the lessons then, perhaps things could have been different.

This weekend was an utter nightmare emotionally for me.  I will spare the details.  I know that, as this marriage ends, there is no way I will ever let anyone else into my life like I have her.  I told her I was too old to get married for the first time (38).  Now, I can absolutely say beyond a shadow of a doubt, it will also be the last time.

Again, thanks to everyone who has tried to help.  If I post anymore, it will probably be on the 'undecided' or 'leaving' board.  Very tired, both physically and emotionally... .

 

[wishfulthinking]

Don't leave the house if you want the divorce to be fair.  If you leave, you are probably going to lose the option of keeping the house you are paying for yourself.  I'd at least meet with a lawyer to see what your options are so you don't get manipulated out of everything.  Any correspondence with her you need in text or email.  Hold firm so YOU don't end up losing EVERYTHING when you've worked so hard for it all supporting her.

[Mono No Aware]

I thank everyone here for trying to help.  I think it is just too late for me.  Maybe, if I had found this site early in our marriage and started working on the lessons then, perhaps things could have been different.

This weekend was an utter nightmare emotionally for me.  I will spare the details.  I know that, as this marriage ends, there is no way I will ever let anyone else into my life like I have her.  I told her I was too old to get married for the first time (38).  Now, I can absolutely say beyond a shadow of a doubt, it will also be the last time.

Again, thanks to everyone who has tried to help.  If I post anymore, it will probably be on the 'undecided' or 'leaving' board.  Very tired, both physically and emotionally... .

 

Hey downandin,

Get some sleep, food, and peace time. I've lived through those weekends too.

Remember that when you are drained, it is temporary - you will refill. So don't close off and remain hollow.

Rebuild your strength - which by now should be legendary given all you've been put through! - because you are going to need it.

And don't leave your house.

[eeyore]

life is too short to live in resentment and with bitterness.  Let go of it and then live happier.  :)on't limit your future.  There are women out there who are successful and happy but are single and would like to find nice men to settle down with and make a wonderful life.  Why would you want to limit meeting one of them--later of course?  

[downandin]

life is too short to live in resentment and with bitterness.  Let go of it and then live happier.  :)on't limit your future.  There are women out there who are successful and happy but are single and would like to find nice men to settle down with and make a wonderful life.  Why would you want to limit meeting one of them--later of course?  

It isn't resentment and bitterness.  It is fear, or actually... .utter terror!

[Somewhere]

It will pass.

Remember MOST folks in the world are not crazy.

Just the one you have been dealing with 100% is.

Fear can be a good thing.  Listen to it.  Get away from that which you fear.

[downandin]

It will pass.

Remember MOST folks in the world are not crazy.

Just the one you have been dealing with 100% is.

Fear can be a good thing.  Listen to it.  Get away from that which you fear.

I'm just a complete and total introvert (always have been).  I have a real difficulty approaching women and always wait for them to make the moves.  This was only my second ever real relationship.  The first was in high-school / college.  That is really how bad it is.  Looking back, the first also had symptoms of BPD.  She also made the first move, like my wife.  It seems that I am easy game for such females. 

Also I have been thinking constantly about my intimacy issues with my wife.  I have come to realize that I have absolutely no desire to ever be physically intimate with anyone else for the rest of my life.  It is sad, but it is the way I feel.  I never felt that way before my marriage, but I just don't think I'm ever going to be able to trust that openly again.  I guess part of it is guilt for what she has not had.  The other part is fear of failure, fear of seeing the kind of hurt I saw in her eyes the first time I failed.  It just is easier not to try.

I just so badly hate being alone. 

[waverider]

It will pass.

Remember MOST folks in the world are not crazy.

Just the one you have been dealing with 100% is.

Fear can be a good thing.  Listen to it.  Get away from that which you fear.

I'm just a complete and total introvert (always have been).  I have a real difficulty approaching women and always wait for them to make the moves.  This was only my second ever real relationship.  The first was in high-school / college.  That is really how bad it is.  Looking back, the first also had symptoms of BPD.  She also made the first move, like my wife.  It seems that I am easy game for such females. 

Also I have been thinking constantly about my intimacy issues with my wife.  I have come to realize that I have absolutely no desire to ever be physically intimate with anyone else for the rest of my life.  It is sad, but it is the way I feel.  I never felt that way before my marriage, but I just don't think I'm ever going to be able to trust that openly again.  I guess part of it is guilt for what she has not had.  The other part is fear of failure, fear of seeing the kind of hurt I saw in her eyes the first time I failed.  It just is easier not to try.

I just so badly hate being alone. 

You have been scarred,. Scars do heal

[eeyore]

sorry I was getting ahead of the situation by trying to give you something to look forward to... .some true hope rather than the false hope you have been experiencing.  I can see that at this point just a day of peace and comfort would be good for you.  When you are that far deep in the crud it's hard to see anything other than short term.  I do wish for peace and comfort for you.