DSD8 is failing math

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We finally got access to my SO's D8's grades and she's failing math. When we work with D8 she says either uBPDbm or her aftercare leaders just give her the answers. She's not learning the material.

I am so frustrated. uBPDbm has been fighting SO HARD to make it so the schedule is D8 at her house during the week and ours on the weekends and yet she's totally dropping the ball on her education. The teachers say it's up to the parents to work with the child. It feels like no one wants to do the extra work to help her except us and uBPDbm makes sure to block us out.

Do any of you have experience with this? Or any suggestions?

[Thunderstruck]

We finally got access to my SO's D8's grades and she's failing math. When we work with D8 she says either uBPDbm or her aftercare leaders just give her the answers. She's not learning the material.

I am so frustrated. uBPDbm has been fighting SO HARD to make it so the schedule is D8 at her house during the week and ours on the weekends and yet she's totally dropping the ball on her education. The teachers say it's up to the parents to work with the child. It feels like no one wants to do the extra work to help her except us and uBPDbm makes sure to block us out.

Do any of you have experience with this? Or any suggestions?

[DreamGirl]

We finally got access to my SO's D8's grades and she's failing math. When we work with D8 she says either uBPDbm or her aftercare leaders just give her the answers. She's not learning the material.

It's easy for a kiddo to blame someone else. She's probably just as frustrated with herself failing (as you are with everyone else). It doesn't feel good not to be successful in school.

I wouldn't get too caught up in whose fault it is. If you blame mom... .to mom? Look out for a lot of defensive push back. I'm also a mama to two boys who have at some point struggled in school - it wasn't always about me dropping the ball on their education. Sometimes it was them dropping the ball on their own education.  

Solutions are best found when everyone gets on the same page. Not when everyone is pointing fingers at who did what.

Fact: SD is failing math and she needs help.

Solution: Advocate to get her help.

The teachers say it's up to the parents to work with the child. It feels like no one wants to do the extra work to help her except us and uBPDbm makes sure to block us out.

Do any of you have experience with this? Or any suggestions?

Tutors are available on the weekends. My mom is a retired math teacher - she actually usually only tutored on the weekends. Tell mom you'll pay for it all if you have to.

And I wouldn't accept "no" as an answer from a teacher who told me that they weren't available to assist my kiddo who was failing a subject.  

My email would (and has) become a familiar one to any teacher who was failing one of my kids.

[Free One]

We finally got access to my SO's D8's grades and she's failing math. When we work with D8 she says either uBPDbm or her aftercare leaders just give her the answers.

I heard the same thing with my second grade son last year with math homework. It was a fight with me because I made him think and work, but at dad's it was easy answers (kind of the story of my life right now anyway   ).

I agree about not taking "no" for an answer from a teacher. They should have suggestions or ideas to give you to work more at home, if nothing else.

Since a lot of math at that age is math facts, I gave in and found a video game that works on math facts. Saves us a lot of heartache.

[david]

Figure out what you can do now and document everything.

My ex insisted our youngest had a learning disabilty. I didn't see it.

Bpdmom has the boys the majority of the time during the school year. I copied every homework S10 did last year. I did 93% of the homeworks with him and all were correct. Bpdmom did the other 7% and 45% of that was extremely wrong. I talked to his teacher early on when I suspected this was going to happen. He got it very quickly since he talked to mom several times. We worked out a plan. He even gave me his personal cell number. I am a school teacher and never did that.

I gave all the info to my atty and we are currently going back to court. Atty thinks I have more than enough evidence to get more time. Even after ex received the court papers a few weeks ago she is still not helping son with his homework. It's only two weeks into school and she is doing the same things as last year. I have copies of it all. Ex is a college graduate and a registered nurse and still can't help son with 4th grade math and english. She actually sent an email just last week blaming son for his homework issues. The problem is he doesn't have any issues when he is with me.

[david]

Things I found that worked for me. Whenever we go shopping I seem to always forget my glasses. I need s10 to read the labels for me and also figure out the prices. He got real good at comparing unit prices. His vocabulary also increased tremendously. That requires adding and division. We go out to eat and I don't know if I have enough money   so I get him to estimate the total cost of what we are getting. It takes an effort in the beginning but it got easier for both of us as we continued. Start slow and build upon the success.

[Matt]

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 (and your SO), to make a plan together?

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 after school each day, or even for you and SD8 to meet at school, at the end of each day, to help her with her homework?

Can you use the phone and computers to go over homework together on weeknights, while she is at her mom's?

Can you work with her on the weekends - working ahead through the material that will be covered the following week?  Get homework assignments from the teacher for the coming week, and help her do them - in a way that will help her learn the material - over the weekend?

All that said, if Mom is blocking a schedule that is best for the child, I would not hesitate to file a motion with the court to deal with that.  It's pretty likely that Mom will show her colors in court, if you can get in front of a judge soon.  She'll probably show that she thinks she is entitled to time with the child, while you show that you are focused on what is best for SD8.

[livednlearned]

We finally got access to my SO's D8's grades and she's failing math.

Is this a hard thing for you to have access to? Going forward, will it be easier to access this info?

If not, could you ask the teacher to email you D8s grades at the end of every week. Could you look closely at the syllabus -- most math in elementary school is aligned to Common Core standards (45 out of 50 states). Common Core is still fairly new, but there are online units aligned to the standards, so if your D8 is learning Common Core standard 5.4.11 to figure out how to get the volume of geometric shapes, then you can find things online that do just that. Khan's Academy is also helpful, although the tutorials may not always teach kids to do things the way the teachers do it.

Your D needs to know that there is someone there paying close attention to her, whether it's you, the teachers, a tutor, or all of you.

Also, can you find an advocate at D's school? Maybe the principle or the family specialist. When things were at their hairiest for my son (beginning of 5th grade), I went to the school and told them what was happening. S12's anxiety was through the roof at that time, and he couldn't remember anything to save his life. Once a week, the teacher, S12 and I would look at his grades and figure out if he had forgotten to hand something in. For that whole year, S12 was allowed to hand in things at the end of the week without being penalized. We worked on organizational skills too, but mainly it was to help S12 feel like he could succeed at something.

[Matt]

Also, can you find an advocate at D's school? Maybe the principle or the family specialist. When things were at their hairiest for my son (beginning of 5th grade), I went to the school and told them what was happening. S12's anxiety was through the roof at that time, and he couldn't remember anything to save his life. Once a week, the teacher, S12 and I would look at his grades and figure out if he had forgotten to hand something in. For that whole year, S12 was allowed to hand in things at the end of the week without being penalized. We worked on organizational skills too, but mainly it was to help S12 feel like he could succeed at something.

I had a good experience with the kids' school counselor, when I separated (suddenly) from their mom.  They were 8 and 10 at the time.  The counselor knew them very well - better than I would have expected - and was eager to help.  She offered to keep an eye on them, and to find excuses to chat with them, without making them self-conscious.  She talked with their teachers - not spreading gossip, but just asking each teacher how each kid was doing.  And she recommended a private-practice counselor for them, who turned out to be very good.

I found it easy to find an "advocate" for them.  Maybe there's someone like that at your SD's school too.  You could start at the top - talk to the principal - not lots of details but just pretty much what you told us, and see what she says.

[david]

Going to the school and talking to the teacher, guidance, whoever you find that can help is a good idea. It took me about two years for the school to figure out I wasn't an evil monster like my ex said. Once that happened I had private meetings (without ex) where we formulated plans to help our S10. (that is his age now) Once a plan was made the school took care of dealing with ex. This way ex wasn't trying to win against me and things worked more smoothly. He is now in the accelerated program and is doing very well.

His mom actually writes all the answers down and gives it to him to copy. He finds some that are incorrect and fixes them without telling her since he is afraid she will yell at him. She has yelled in the past. She leaves her answer sheets in his homework book ? The ones he doesn't understand he waits until he goes to school or he comes to me when he is with me. He didn't do that years ago but he has learned that he can trust me that I will not put him down, yell at him, etc... ., and that I will help him.

[Thunderstruck]

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 (and your SO), to make a plan together?

We talked to the teacher and her only solution was for the parents to work with D8 at home.

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 after school each day, or even for you and SD8 to meet at school, at the end of each day, to help her with her homework?

I signed up to do this at D8's aftercare. uBPDbm found out and has gone off the reservation. She's pulling D8 out of school early now to circumvent us having access to her and her schoolwork. (Which is absolutely the opposite of helping her catch up!). Maybe I could go at lunch but I really wouldn't want to take away D8's decompression time during the day. And maybe mom would pull her out of school altoghether. 

Can you use the phone and computers to go over homework together on weeknights, while she is at her mom's?

Mom is denying phone calls.

Can you work with her on the weekends - working ahead through the material that will be covered the following week?  Get homework assignments from the teacher for the coming week, and help her do them - in a way that will help her learn the material - over the weekend?

This is about all we can do, whenever we actually have the weekends. We need a CO in place, badly.

[ForeverDad]

Frankly, I found out that my school was totally head-buried-in-the-sand about the legal and court issues.  Courts deal with parents as they are and don't try to change them.  Similarly, in my experience, schools don't try to change parenting orders, arrangements, etc, they deal with the child, parent and circumstances as they are and don't try to change them.  Sad but generally true.

Document the change, that SD was doing better in prior grades but now is failing math and BioMother is obstructing every attempt by BioFather to help SD.  I don't know if it will make any difference to the court, but it might prompt the court to grant a motion for more frequent time with Dad so he can provide additional support for his daughter's schooling.  He won't know until he tries.  Does he have a lawyer?  What does the lawyer think?

Does SD have access to a computer at her mother's home?  There are numerous math games online.  There are also Scholastic math games on CD that you can buy too.  Think outside the box for the various ways to help her improve in math or any other subject.

[Matt]

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 (and your SO), to make a plan together?

We talked to the teacher and her only solution was for the parents to work with D8 at home.

Would it be possible to meet with the teacher and SD8 after school each day, or even for you and SD8 to meet at school, at the end of each day, to help her with her homework?

I signed up to do this at D8's aftercare. uBPDbm found out and has gone off the reservation. She's pulling D8 out of school early now to circumvent us having access to her and her schoolwork. (Which is absolutely the opposite of helping her catch up!). Maybe I could go at lunch but I really wouldn't want to take away D8's decompression time during the day. And maybe mom would pull her out of school altoghether. 

Can you use the phone and computers to go over homework together on weeknights, while she is at her mom's?

Mom is denying phone calls.

Can you work with her on the weekends - working ahead through the material that will be covered the following week?  Get homework assignments from the teacher for the coming week, and help her do them - in a way that will help her learn the material - over the weekend?

This is about all we can do, whenever we actually have the weekends. We need a CO in place, badly.

Lawyer up.  This behavior has to be dealt with.

[livednlearned]

Lawyer up.  This behavior has to be dealt with.

Yes -- and document as much as you can everything you are doing and she is doing. Write emails to the school so you have a paper trail (if you haven't already). Email the mother about the issue and ask her what her solution is. Keep those emails and give them to your lawyer.

This does matter to the court. You want your lawyer to stand up and say, "My client tried to arrange afterschool tutoring. He paid for an online Scholastic game for the computer. He worked with her on math on the weekends he had her. He spoke to the teacher, to the principal, and to the learning specialist. On xyz dates, he wrote to the mother about the issue, and the mother's response was zxy."

Every hearing I've had, the judge asks how S12 is doing in school. During my trial for sole custody, what was going on in and with the school took up about a third of my testimony.

[Matt]

Lawyer up.  This behavior has to be dealt with.

Yes -- and document as much as you can everything you are doing and she is doing. Write emails to the school so you have a paper trail (if you haven't already). Email the mother about the issue and ask her what her solution is. Keep those emails and give them to your lawyer.

This does matter to the court. You want your lawyer to stand up and say, "My client tried to arrange afterschool tutoring. He paid for an online Scholastic game for the computer. He worked with her on math on the weekends he had her. He spoke to the teacher, to the principal, and to the learning specialist. On xyz dates, he wrote to the mother about the issue, and the mother's response was zxy."

Every hearing I've had, the judge asks how S12 is doing in school. During my trial for sole custody, what was going on in and with the school took up about a third of my testimony.

Yeah... .

In a bigger context, if you can show that you are looking consistently at all your stepdaughter's needs - academic, and physical health, and emotional, etc. - and you're consistently doing sensible things to help with all those, that's how you want to be seen (and of course that's what you want to do for her anyway).  Know her primary care doctor's name.  Know all her teachers.  Be very conscious of what is going on in her life, even things you decide to let her handle on her own.

My lawyer gave me this advice and I thought it was a little over-the-top, but to be safe I re-memorized the names of the kids' teachers, even from previous years;  I had met with them all but forgotten some of their names.  Sure enough, at one point in the process, my wife's lawyer played that "gotcha" game - asked me the kids' teachers, and then their teachers from previous years, and I knew them, and could describe each teacher and subjects I had discussed with them.  Same with the kids' doctor and dentist.  A childish tactic but I'm glad I was warned.

By contrast, you don't need to do something like this to show that Mom doesn't remember all the names.  You can focus on just what you wrote in your last post - all the stuff Mom is doing to block you from helping your stepdaughter, with documentation as LnL suggests.

Parents aren't perfect, but this isn't a matter of Mom forgetting something or not meeting all SD8's needs.  It's Mom actively harming SD8 in order to fight with you.  That's really twisted thinking, not something that a psychologically healthy parent would do.