Hard to be validating when daughter calls from jail

[DreamGirl]

Hey there, Mama.  

When all your guilt and attachment are stripped away... .

Deep down in your heart.

Without the Mama Bear Instincts to protect her... .the worry... .the fear.

Do you have faith that your daughter can resolve these issues?

Do you actually believe in her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I believe that DD is a survivor, regardless of the path she chooses.

I believe there is other support for her, if she can choose to hook into it.

Dh and I are commited to this path. We are getting support and encourgement in unexpected places.

    - my primary care doc today. went for nose recheck, which seems healed. encouraged that commitment is best path, hard path, and I must do this for myself, for my health. My blood pressure was excellent today.

    - Gd's primary care doc today. went to evaluate her stomach troubles. She engaged fully with him in the exam, no hesitation. She endured getting her flu shot with courage, she always asks if she is getting a shot anytime we go to doc, so I said yes. She only had an hour or so to worry about it. The doc had the nurse come to the exam room to give shot instead of us trekking to another floor to join flu clinic herd. Picked her up at a school, ice cream stop on way home.  He encouraged me with such awesome valiation to stay commited. He was also dd's pediatrician starting at about age 7 - knows first hand of her struggles in her own childhood and as a mom with both gd and gs (who was adopted by foster parents - with them at 5 months). It is hard, I can do what is needed for gd.

    - Declined by mortgage company to buy condo. So that option, that we decided yesterday was too risky financially for us and would be too enabling, is not even available. DD has to figure out her own housing.

    -Received summary of case from the SSI lawyer for the appeal hearing on 10/28. It sounds good to me. So much more thorough and grounded in the regulations than the previous lawyer. Will keep praying and hopeful for good outcome. So much support can come with this disability income for her -- if she chooses case management offered. I will decline to be payee representative.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Finding a way to take DD to SSI hearing -- I need to support DD directly in this. It is such an anxiety producing event. She has shared how hard taking public transportation to city is for her -- changing buses, worried about those connections, getting lost finding building and then where to go inside. These are real challenges for her. One of reasons she qualifies for SSI. She is so stressed out by the time she gets where she is going she cannot function. She has experienced this trying to meet friends in the city.

This hearing is what motivated us to offer the home detention option. We did not anticipate the pressure about having friends here. She had let go of this for most of the summer. Looking back could have noticed she was gone most of the time with her friends away from house - sure was peaceful. Gave us false sense of her anxious state. Our avoidance strategy at work overtime. DD has been trying to get SSI since she was 18 and pregnant with gd and dropped out of school.

I want to write her a letter. It is hard to be gentle and validating. It is all so sterile and intellectual in my thinking -- guarding my feelings. So need your input on what I am saying that is really trying to meet my own needs. Need to delete this or restate it to be what is really being supportive, not enabling, of DD's needs. Here is an outline:

- Did you get your care package? I hope you enjoy it. Will this last until your hearing on Thursday 10/24/13?

- Received report for the Social Security judge at your hearing on Monday 10/28 from SSI lawyer. Have you recieved your copy? It is very thorough and better than previous lawyer. She will go over this with you in person before the hearing. Wants you there at 9am. Hearing is scheduled for 10:30am. Do you want dh and I to drive you to city? We promise to be quiet and listen to the radio to keep things calm for you.

- We can not get the loan to buy a condo until we pay off other debts and come up with a lot more down payment. So sorry that we just do not have this money now. Also, we would not be able to make the monthly payments. When you  progress further in your programs with probation toward a job, and maybe get the SSI, we will look at this again.

- Which storage location would work the best for some of your stuff? We will get one with enough space so you can get into the tubs and maybe some shelves. Write me with your preference of B or A.

- May I ask at jail to put some things in your property? What clothes do you want - coat, jeans, hoodies, long sleeve shirt? Do you need shoes and socks? Also I can leave a working phone/charger, wallet, book of bus passes.


This is the 'business' part of what I want to share with her. Tried to pose it as questions. What do you think?

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

You've really put a lot of thought into this, qcarolr 

I like the idea of doing it in the form of questions; hopefully they will engage the part of her brain that won't take offense in some strange way that we wouldn't understand. It sounds good to me, and you sure did get a lot of important information in a readable form.

Does she need lots of validation in something like this, to not be offended for some reason that we might not think of? Just asking; it seems very cordial to me, but I'm not her 

I'd sleep on it tonight, and then see if there's anything you feel might be missing, tomorrow. I do that all the time; I'm always thrilled with something at first, but find that the next day I want to do some tweaking... .especially with something important. If you think she needs a little loving touch here and there, you can find the right spot for it later. But I really think you did a good job!   

[peaceplease]

qcr,

The condo decision has been made for you now that you were declined.  Blessing in disguise?  The good news is that if your dd is approved for SSI, she will receive back pay from application.  However, that would take five or six months to receive?  Whatever options does she have, if any?  At this point it appears to me that the transisitional housing is her only option.   Is that a resource through the jail?  And, would she be allowed to stay there for a short duration of a few months?   

I hope you continue with your mantra.  Taking care of yourself and gd are priority.  I know that it is so difficult as you love your dd.  I have to remind myself to take care of self, as my dd will need a healthy loved one to support her. 

Your outline of letter looks good!

[qcarolr]

I looked online and the transistion housing is a program at the local homeless shelter. There is a seperate section for those living there. It is a maximum 9 months program with goal to provide skills to manage living independently. Graduates move into a regular apartment. The cost is $25 per week, which DD has from her county benefit. There are counselors for job skill and living skills.

There is a negative vibe on this within her homeless coummunity. She has to be there by a certain time every evening, but is free to do whatever all day. I assume meals are provided with the general homeless population. It would be a good match with her probation requirements. It is up to her to at least try it.

There is a storage unit place next to the shelter where we can put her stuff. Easy public transportation access.

I may write her topics from my letter over a period of days instead of all in one letter. Give her processing time. Will let you know how it is going.

qcr

[Dibdob59]

It is a very difficult journey you are travelling and you are doing the best you can, every day in every way. 

Be kind to yourself and know that nobody could be trying harder than you are for your DD and GD

My thoughts are with you. 

Dibdob

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, qcarolr... .

I agree with Dibdob59 that it sounds like you are doing the best you can. The information you've found does sound promising, and like things could all fall into place if your daughter will take advantage of it all.

You can't control her doing that, but you've really done your best. I think the idea of breaking the letter into smaller points at a time, and sending it over a period of a few days is a really good idea.

Sounds like you are thinking this through in a rational, calm way. And, yeah~~keep us in the loop; I'd love to know how this works out. You're in my prayers, as always 

[qcarolr]

DD told me a couple days ago she has been accepted by the Focus Re-entry Program. This non-profit connects a mentor with an inmate to help with transistion into community. Help with other agencies, accessing housing and jobs, contacts with family. I sure hope they can find someone for DD soon. This will be an answer to my prayers, if DD accepts the helped offered.

Met with court clerk today and they are working with Dd's fines and fees. Have reduced all that they can. After her hearing on 10/24 need to give her the paperwork for one open case she needs to set up payment plan for and to set up payment plan for new case (will get fee sheet after hearing, assuming it is settled on 10/24)

It is all so complex, even for me. Hope DD and I are on speaking terms the day of her hearing.

qcr

[brillo]

Hi there.  I used to work as a rehab therapist on a transitional unit in a homeless shelter.  The unit was in a different part of the shelter and was specifically for homeless mentally ill women.  Our goal was to get them housing.  Main obstacle was most were dual diagnosis with drug addiction.  Every transitional unit has a lot of social workers and if your daughter goes to one, she will have a social worker assigned to help her through the red tape and other issues.

After I worked at the shelter, I transferred to another job working at a psychiatric day program which only accepted clients who were on SSI/SSDI and had Medicaid or Medicare.  If your daughter does get SSI, then I highly recommend a day program for her.  The program is paid for by Medicaid.  (I worked with quite a few BPD clients at the day program.) Generally, the programs run from 8 or 9 am until 4 or 5 pm.  They provide a psychiatrist, caseworker, therapists, rehab groups, lunch and usually breakfast.  Some also have vocational rehab programs.  It sounds like the services a day program would offer would take a lot of the burden off of you. 

Since deinstitutionalization, the mental health system has become very fragmented.  Don't expect any one person to know all of the services available to your daughter.  It sounds like you have already realized that and have done some research.  I recommend contacting your local chapter of NAMI - they usually have loads of info for families, as well as support groups. www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=Your_Local_Nami

One bright spot is I always found that housing was the best motivator for my clients.  All of them wanted their own place and were willing to jump through some hoops to get it - the hoops mainly being following treatment plan and staying out of trouble.  I no longer work in mental health - but if you have any questions, you can ask me.  I worked in NYC and Texas so I know the most about those systems.

[qcarolr]

brillo - thanks for your insights. The programs in our state come under control of each county. That is my understanding. So far DD has refused to participate in any of the programs offered to her. She is now court ordered for both probation (ie. substance abuse classes and monitoring) plus mental health assessment and care. She struggles to accept that the rules are real, or that they apply to her. I am really trying to get out of her way so she has to rely on case workers in whichever program she ends up in.

The surface issue in our family is about dh and I restricting her friends being in our home. I am working on what my needs are, and dh's and gd's, that are under the surface of this boundary. I am working with two T's. One is mine, and one is for gd. They have a different perspective on me. This is all new stuff for me even as I am writing this here.

It is coming out of the reading I have done in past year with parenting - how lots of different directions are converging for me in layers. Beyond the scope of this thread. Has a lot to do with attachment issues, the stress model of all behaviors coming from basic emotional place of either love or fear, how the neuroscience research supports these paradigms. Logic and reasoning can only work when the unconscious, emotional piece is understood and worked through. And I have to get to this better place before I am able to guide anyone else there.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Logic and reasoning can only work when the unconscious, emotional piece is understood and worked through. And I have to get to this better place before I am able to guide anyone else there.

qcr

It is not pride or arrogance, the 'guiding someone else there'. For me this is what being a parent is about. Teaching our kids.

Spoke to DD tonight. She has not gotten my letters yet. I get hers in a day but seems to take 2 weeks for her to get mine. She is very frustrated - cannot keep up in GED class so is going to change to something else. She cannot get any questions answered one on one with instructor. She is too far behind and does not understand the material.

She wants to live in our house. I told her this will not happen. Gd does not need her here. She blames me totally as being a bad parent for gd as I was for her. She told me I am narcissitic, and her therapist agrees I was an abusive parent. I said the T only has one side of the story. DD is still inviting me to join her in T - to convince me that I am responsible for all her troubles. I am willing to try if I can feel safe while doing this.

DD is right that she needs a place to live - to be stable - to be successful with program. She cannot go to shelter since she needs to avoid her old friends. I do understand. I told her we cannot qualify for condo.

There is a family meeting next week. We are discussing trust distribution. So we many divert some of this to pay rent for DD. So now I need to look for this - month to month rental so if she cannot be in apt. we are not stuck for more than one month rent. Expect to lose deposit based on condition of her room and previous apartments.

I feel like one of those tether balls - tied to a pole and continuously batted one way then the other.

We are back to helping DD with housing. She is working hard in jail and she knows she will lose it all on the street or in the shelter program. She feels very abandoned by us, which is real for her.

Wish me luck. Lots of homes lost in flooding last month so places are hard to find.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Update ie housing.

No apartments in county studio, 1 bedroom, 2 bedroom due to temporary flood relocations. Found a monthly motel, allows dog, in accessible location to probation, courts, etc. It is available for off season until April. Price is $1100/month YIKES.  Since it is a suite of 2 rooms, will ask DD to find a roommate to pay half of this rental. Or she can rent it out weekly for $125. Maybe we can pay her a 'finders fee' for sharing. Has fridge, microwave and coffeemaker. She can manage.

This will give us time to find a condo and the means to pay for it as a longer term solution. If DD doesn't need it, we can rent it out.

What do you all think of us having a contract with DD including the expectations we have, having roommate expectations (mostly money and basic cleaniness), and her signing a release to check in to verfify she in satisfactory in her probation. Do not any details, just a thumbs up or down.

Feeling better today. Dh and I had good talk last night about all this after DD called.

qcr