How to deal with Non-compliance to the parenting order

[Krudula]

I have a question in the legal realm. DPwBPD is not compliant with the parenting order.

The ex gf from our son is constantly wanting to change days and hours set by the court.

The reasons and excuses are varied, sickness, work, appointments, meetings, you name and she'll use it. Meanwhile she's accusing my husband and I and her ex of prohibiting her to see her child. The interim parenting order only has been in place for a couple of months so far and will be up for review soon.

Son and wee grandson2 live with us since the separation. Our son finally broke off the rel'ship due to the volatile nature of her anger, suicide attempts, eating disorder and several dx BPolar traits. I feel I am giving in to her demands/requests all the time; the reasoning behind this is that I gr.son is in a much safer environment when he is with us. We keep a log of all the changes she wants to make or has made.

Our support person thinks that I should not give in to her changing all the time, for whatever reason it may be, otherwise she'll never want to change her behavior.

Anybody who has had similar experience? 

[DreamGirl]

It tends to be smoke and mirrors, deflecting the real issues at hand, by placing the blame in your lap.

I'm a big advocate in times of not being able to communicate very well, in following the order word for word.

They really are created for a reason. It's usually in the best interest of the kids. It's in your grandson's very best interest to have a set schedule when he can see his mama.   

[ForeverDad]

A few instances can be called flexibility.  Too many and it is entitlement, enabling and a raft of other descriptions.  It is good to have boundaries.  Fortunately the court has set a temporary schedule which itself is a sort of boundary.  Use that boundary.  Generally it is best to stick to the order with few exceptions.  Don't be guilted overmuch.  Likely she will complain at the next hearing but your son's response* can be something like, "I just followed the order.  While I was a little flexible and allowed a small number of deviations** from the schedule, I did not approve every request since I believed she was insisting on too many changes unilaterally."  Son may have to remind the judge of the history of the case, her past suicide threats, volatility, etc.

* Let son take the lead especially since she's claiming the grandparents are too involved/controlling.  (And if you said no it was - why? - upon instructions from your son that all requests go to/through him.)

** It was my lawyer who, after too many exchange problems, told me, ":)on't deviate from the schedule!"

[Krudula]

Thank you both for your replies.

ForeverDad, I have set as a boundary that all communication goes through my son.

If she wants to change the schedule she has to get his ok, rather than mine.

So glad I did this from the start.

On one occasion a couple of weeks ago, her anger escalated, and there were many accusations,

when she picked up gs. The following day she couldn't -or wouldn't- have him according to the schedule,

but wanted to come and visit gs instead. I refused to have her visit when I was on my own, but said that

she could come when either my husband or my son were home, so I was not going to be on my own with the little one and her tripping out. Wee gs doesn't need to witness her angry outbursts.

Another reason is that it is extremely difficult to plan my own days, when she is all over the place with the schedule. It may suit her, but it is not a suitable way for me.

DS's lawyer has said that we don't need to accommodate for her whims and certainly don't need to be at her beck and call. If she cannot/or will not keep to the schedule than she has to live with that decision.

DreamGirl, you are so right about the blame, but I think it is in everybody else's lap, but her own; symptom of the disorder I guess. Thank you both for your comments.