Hi there,
I don`t know any of your background but I just wanted to say that you are a very strong man. It takes a strong person to go down this road with your BPD spouse. I'm sorry that the kids are experiencing the effects of this though. That must be so tough.
I started down this road with my husband back in March. I had spent the previous 3 years caving to every demand that he made in pursuit of peace. We had gotten to the point where we did not have a single day of peace. Virtually every morning he yelled at me and told me that I was a useless lazy peace of BLANK. During that time I was working a high level job (and supporting our family), raising our son, preparing every meal and taking responsibility for every possible thing I could. Throwing the safety net under him whenever possible.
AND THEN I WOKE UP. I realized that enabling him was not only a disservice to me, it was a disservice to him. And it was making things WORSE. It allowed him to shirk responsibility for himself because I willingly took it on. And took it on badly. It was making our lives chaos.
Initially when I started with boundaries I forgot to be loving about them. I forgot that this would be incredibly scary for him. Through the last 6 months, I learned about validation, I learned about trying to come out of my shell and be the strong one... . In a nutshell here`s my journey:
Started with boundaries in March - initially he exploded but then calmed down (realized he wasn't living with a doormat) and things got better. It was amazing, he was real, kind and loving (of course it didn`t last).
April was one repeated extinction burst after another. I stood my ground.
May was difficult. I think that the novelty of the new me wore off. At one point our son and I ended up in a domestic violence shelter because he told me that if I didn't listen to the verbal abuse he was going to 'cave my head in'. My stuff ended up in trash bags on the side of the road. I tried to stand my ground and be really strong and realized that he took that as a threat and kept upping the ante... .so I had to change my tactics a little (when he become deregulated I stopped acting like it didn`t effect me and let him know that it upset me).
June was ok.
July was probably the worst hell I have ever experienced. Things got BAD. He did some things to me that crossed lines and I told him that I couldn`t tolerate continuing this journey if he didn`t get help. I told him that we were nearing the end of our road together if we didn`t take an exit soon. He cried for about 3 days in a row and told me that he had hit his bottom and that he would change (I was thinking yeah right).
August he started seeing a therapist got referred to a psychiatrist. I realized that he is probably mildly bipolar in addition to BPD. But he finally started taking responsibility for himself.
September he continues to be a different man. He still has outbursts... .but generally talks to me and I try to really listen and be empathetic to how he feels.
Sorry to be so long winded. My point is that I understand that you are afraid that even if you are winning the battle - that you may lose the war. I have been there.
When you are taking stances on boundaries are you developing the loving side of yourself as well (insert question mark - my key board isn`t working
)... .I didn`t realize how much I had pulled inwards dealing with my husband. No wonder he felt distant. The episodes still come. I hate them but I expect them. He puts together longer periods of time without an episode. I think that even though I lose some battles that we are making progress. Its not a science and its ok to make mistakes.
When I stand my ground on something I`ll generally say something like, I AM SORRY. I KNOW THAT YOU DON`T LIKE THIS BUT ITS IMPORTANT TO ME and I NEED TO DO IT. I do it rarely but now he seems to have accepted that if I take a stand then to back off.
One of the more senior members of the board gave the advice
ABUSE leads to BOUNDARIES
DEMANDS leads to DISENGAGING
I don`t have discussions or negotiations when he`s making demands on me. I disengage and let him know that we`ll definitely discuss later.
I adore my husband. I truly believe that our bond will get us through this. I believe that we will never be normal but that we will have a good life and that he is worth it. Hope my experience helps you... .
Good luck my friend!
