Stand my ground?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD(ex?)bf is supposed to move out today. (Summarizing old posts: He left me for another woman last year, went back and forth between us for months, finally declared that I was actually who he wanted to be with, convinced me that things would be different, moved in with me at the beginning of the summer on the promise that things were totally done with the other woman, kept messaging her anyway, got caught, got told he couldn't live with me any more but I was willing to work on our r/s if he stayed in therapy and we got some couples counseling, he decided that meant we were completely over and started trolling dating sites for my replacement, and here we are now.)

While were having our issues over the last few weeks, he stated very strongly that he had realized that it would never work between us, that he was not interested in being in a monogamous relationship with anyone, that I wanted more commitment than he was willing to give, that he needed space and time to be on his own and figure himself out, that if we stayed together he would just keep hurting me, and so on. After the initial drama died down, I agreed with him and told him that I understood - I mean, he's right, though perhaps not in the way he thinks he is - he's totally not suited to be in a relationship with anyone, including me. I love him and I want to see him do well but I'm not going to let him keep treating me the way he has been. I thought, great, finally we're on the same page.

Of course, now that it's all happening he's getting clingy and depressed. He keeps saying that he knows he's making a huge mistake, that he'll miss me as soon as he's gone, that he doubts he'll be dating anyone because no one would ever want him and no one would measure up to me anyway, that he'll just be gone for a little while and get some therapy and that eventually we'll be together... .that he'll keep coming over to hang out and have dinner and watch tv together, that we ought to keep sleeping together... .

I'm completely confused because he was so adamant about how ready he was to be out of this relationship, but now he talks like he wants things to just continue as they were, only with him seeing other people on the side. And now that I type it out I'm less confused... .of course that's what he wants. All the benefits with none of the restrictions that come with actually having to take someone else's feelings into account.

He keeps holding out a possible future together "after he gets his head together" like a carrot on a stick. I'm supposed to hang on and maintain this kind of a relationship with him until he figures out if I'm worth a commitment, apparently. I ought to be a lot more angry about this than I am, but mostly I feel sorry for him, and he uses that - all it takes is one good cry from him and I'm ready to give him whatever he wants. I think I need to stand my ground and ask for NC for a while, but I have to wait until after he moves out to do that or he'll freak out and all my resolve will go out the door and I'll be promising whatever he wants. 


 

[CatBlack]

My BPD(ex?)bf is supposed to move out today. (Summarizing old posts: He left me for another woman last year, went back and forth between us for months, finally declared that I was actually who he wanted to be with, convinced me that things would be different, moved in with me at the beginning of the summer on the promise that things were totally done with the other woman, kept messaging her anyway, got caught, got told he couldn't live with me any more but I was willing to work on our r/s if he stayed in therapy and we got some couples counseling, he decided that meant we were completely over and started trolling dating sites for my replacement, and here we are now.)

While were having our issues over the last few weeks, he stated very strongly that he had realized that it would never work between us, that he was not interested in being in a monogamous relationship with anyone, that I wanted more commitment than he was willing to give, that he needed space and time to be on his own and figure himself out, that if we stayed together he would just keep hurting me, and so on. After the initial drama died down, I agreed with him and told him that I understood - I mean, he's right, though perhaps not in the way he thinks he is - he's totally not suited to be in a relationship with anyone, including me. I love him and I want to see him do well but I'm not going to let him keep treating me the way he has been. I thought, great, finally we're on the same page.

Of course, now that it's all happening he's getting clingy and depressed. He keeps saying that he knows he's making a huge mistake, that he'll miss me as soon as he's gone, that he doubts he'll be dating anyone because no one would ever want him and no one would measure up to me anyway, that he'll just be gone for a little while and get some therapy and that eventually we'll be together... .that he'll keep coming over to hang out and have dinner and watch tv together, that we ought to keep sleeping together... .

I'm completely confused because he was so adamant about how ready he was to be out of this relationship, but now he talks like he wants things to just continue as they were, only with him seeing other people on the side. And now that I type it out I'm less confused... .of course that's what he wants. All the benefits with none of the restrictions that come with actually having to take someone else's feelings into account.

He keeps holding out a possible future together "after he gets his head together" like a carrot on a stick. I'm supposed to hang on and maintain this kind of a relationship with him until he figures out if I'm worth a commitment, apparently. I ought to be a lot more angry about this than I am, but mostly I feel sorry for him, and he uses that - all it takes is one good cry from him and I'm ready to give him whatever he wants. I think I need to stand my ground and ask for NC for a while, but I have to wait until after he moves out to do that or he'll freak out and all my resolve will go out the door and I'll be promising whatever he wants. 


 

[popeye6031]

Catblack, you shuold stand your ground and don't let him keep these manipulative mind games up.  I would say you do not know if you are coming or going.  Does any of what he is suggesting work for you?  If not, you say to him "this is how it is and if you do not like it then we should no longer have any contact".  Then try to go NC.

[CatBlack]

Thanks, Popeye. I need to just keep hearing that over and over again. You're right, he gets me so confused I don't know which way is up.

[Jbt857]

Words are just... .Words.

His actions aren't saying he loves you, values you and treasures you. They are saying he gets to have his cake and eat it, minus any kind of commitment to you.

He's already cheated on you, dumped you and he knows if he cries, you give in.

What do you want? What are your boundaries?

Good luck!

[GreenMango]

Catblack as tough as this situation is I think you have a good head one your shoulders.

You mentioned what you need - committment, monogamy, therapy, time to see the changes.  This sounds like you have your limit on what you will accept.

It's enforcing what is important to you.

that he'll keep coming over to hang out and have dinner and watch tv together, that we ought to keep sleeping together...

This is what is intermittent reinforcement - or him negotiating and pushing that boundary.

This doesn't have be an ugly thing coming from you (like how you mentioned about being on the same page - but it doesn't mean it won't be difficult.  If we all had that luxury when doing what we believe to the be right thing.

If you want to "see"how he responds and pans out to make a furher determination on whether this relationship can move in a better direction then its important to do things differently.

He may flip flop back and forth after moving out between that all or nothing thinking.  The proof is in the pudding.

Id be very clear on my expectations, what I will accept and how I will be measurig things.  It's up to him on whether he wants to step it up. 

But above everything else its obvious he keeps leading and its ends up hurting.  So don't let him lead you.  He needs to show you he's capable of leading you somewhere you want to go before you jump on his train.