This is going to be hard to admit to you folks

[Samuel S.]

This is going to be hard to admit to you folks! My BPDw fooled me in so many ways, as I am sure yours have done to you. She was really nice, loving, etc. Slowly but surely, she cut away at my relatives, at my friends, and at me. Then, after degrading all of us and even after she got all kinds of counseling which I had paid for, she now has come to the realization that she is feeling a lot better and distancing herself from all of us on a regular basis. In turn, and this is the part that has been getting me down immensely so, I am not only angry with her, I am also angry with myself. Thus, I have an eating disorder in which I have gained about 20 pounds due to eating the fast food stuff, etc. I know I am innocent. All I did was to love and to support. Then, she told me she was a fake, and she was being a fake in order to survive. There was never any mention about love. So, I am hurting, and I wonder how many of you have done this kind of destructive behavior or any other due to feeling fooled big time.

[Clearmind]

Sam, hugs to you and I'm sorry you are hurting - many of us have maladaptive copings skills to just get by and survive. I drank way too much, took smoking back up and didn’t eat. It’s a way to punish myself.

My friend, please understand that her behaviour is something you cannot control – sometimes we turn to these types of coping skills because it’s the one thing we can control. You know what you need to do.

The last thing you need is to hit yourself over the head for it – compartmentalize what is happening right now. Your wife is not well. Accepting BPD and your wife for who she is, is part of staying.

Being undecided and in limbo is tormenting. At some stage we need to make a decision.

Have you spoken to your wife or validated her feelings over distancing herself?

[Samuel S.]

I have validated her feelings ever since I met over 13 years ago. I have listened to her. I have encouraged her when she would want suggestions. I did all of the things to help her feel comfortable with herself. All the while, I would stand up for myself when she would start berating everyone around me and her. She told me how wrong I was, etc., etc. I even tried leaving some 7 times when I felt stronger. The only saving grace I have had is to escape in helping others, and I haven't shared what's going on here. Yeah, you're right that I shouldn't beat myself up, but when I am told how wrong I am, when she distances herself from me, and when I have very limited funds to escape here, I am in a state of a horrible limbo. Thus, like you say, controlling what I can with unhealthy habits has been my way to cope, because it is somehow satisfying, even if it is temporary. Another reason for this destructive behavior is so that I can interact with others.

[SeekerofTruth]

oh yes in many ways. my own lack of self-care to begin with, further became something to be aware of.

with fall coming, the body tends to crave fats... .

without her in my life, though, i can at least exercise and monitor my emotions.

That being said, last time she pulled the carpet out from underneath me, i relapsed and went right for a pack of cigarrettes.  That lasted about 3 weeks.  Now i am back off of them.  more internal push and pull and self-inflicted damage... .urgh  why can't they just play nice?

[drv3006]

I too have fallen into the "take it out on me".   In fact, I have eaten so much sugar, that I am now borderline diabetes and 17 pounds over weight in the last six months.   Today the doctor is sending me to a dietician to help manage my sugar intake.   But I am in recovery for alcohol and I will be damned if I drink over this man.   So I ate too much sugar, isolated and got physicially and mentally sick.  But I am back in counseling and doing what I need to do to take care of me.   Sometimes I think this is harder than quitting the booze.  But if maybe not.  I am with you though.   I so identify

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't beat yourself up over it - we've al been there. I would have liked my stbx uBPDw to have admitted she was a fake but she insisted I was a fake instead while she worked herself into the most amazing devalutation based on her 3-year old emotions. And I got no closure but thats just how it goes sometimes.

You need to build up some strength. Dont suffer in silence. Reach out to family and friends and let them know whats going on. You might be surpirsed where you get support from. She will make you pay for it when she gets wind of whats going on but it will at least bring you closer to escaping. Good luck.

[Traumatized]

I have an eating disorder in which I have gained about 20 pounds due to eating the fast food stuff, etc. I know I am innocent. All I did was to love and to support. Then, she told me she was a fake, and she was being a fake in order to survive. There was never any mention about love. So, I am hurting, and I wonder how many of you have done this kind of destructive behavior or any other due to feeling fooled big time.

I went the opposite direction and lost 24 pounds.  Normally I overeat and gain weight when I am anxious or depressed, but this time I was so stressed out that I lost my appetite and didn't care about eating... .or taking care of myself for that matter.

Like you, all I did was try to love and support this person.  While I am guilty of allowing myself to be abused, I am innocent of the charges she has made against me that ultimately destroyed the relationship and have turned her against me.

And she called ME a fake!  What a hypocrite. 

[Samuel S.]

Thank you so very much for revealing how you folks feel and for confirming we non BPDs are NOT to be blamed. Our BPDs have the blame for their negativity. While it still hurts not to have the love, the support, and the closeness that we both had cherished, she has chosen to take her separate path instead of us joining hands together as a couple having a majority of the same goals. Taking it one day at a time, I made it a point to eat healthier yesterday. What made it easier to do is because of being around people who are really positive, caring, sincere, wishing to be heard, wishing to hear, being helped, and being helpful. You see, I am both a tutor and a teacher. Once again, thank you for your comments.

[SeekerofTruth]

  While it still hurts not to have the love, the support, and the closeness that we both had cherished, she has chosen to take her separate path instead of us joining hands together as a couple having a majority of the same goals. Taking it one day at a time, I made it a point to eat healthier yesterday. What made it easier to do is because of being around people who are really positive, caring, sincere, wishing to be heard, wishing to hear, being helped, and being helpful.

Good Stuff.  Indeed... .!