Meeting an exBPDgf after a breakup?

[Need2Know]

About one year ago I broke up from my exBPDgf. That was a very painful separation, and she told me that she hated me more than everything and never wanted to see me again. We have however some friends in common, and I have so far avoided going to parties and events that she has been going to. I am worried that she would make a scene. But on the other hand she could have got over it and will act normal these days.

Everyone is different, but does anyone have any experiences from meeting a (previously hating) exBPD after a painful breakup?

[Reg]

Hi Need2Know,

I've read a lot of these stories on the board here in the past.  Most of them do not work out, many of them are painfull, but there are exceptions... .  But you may place yourself in a vulnerable situation, where she tries to recycle you... .

There's no prediction possible on how they will react. 

My actual breakup happened on 1 January this year, and I had some four very good and long talks with my former partner about borderline in the period April - early June.  Not with any result.  But that happened after she was reaching out to me to talk about it, and only to deny her problem again later.

After this it was no contact or extreme low contact (financial matter she still has to respect)

May I ask why you expect her to behave normal ?  Has she been following therapy meanwhile ?

Reg

[Need2Know]

Hi Reg,

Thanks for your feedback.

Yes, I agree that it is almost impossible to predict how she (and I for that sake) would react if we met again. Maybe she will act normal, ignore me, make a scene, try to seduce me, rage at me... .? Frankly, I don't know how I would react myself. I have still very strong but mixed feelings for her, but I know that we must not be together again.

What makes me think that she could behave more normal is that she has been in therapy (I think it is still ongoing) and more than a year has passed since we split up. What makes the situation a bit tricky is that we have some common friends, and it is a bit embarrasing to always give excuses why I cannot come their events/parties when she is around. Some day I might meet her again, so I would like to be prepared for it mentally if possible.

[Reg]

Hi again Need2Know,

Yes you can prepare for that event but it doesn't give one any warranty on what will happen of course.  I did avoid some places where my ex partner did goes as well.  She lives 55 miles away, and for many people in my region, that is a long distance  

But after the breakup she was making it clear to me that I might bump into her to places we went in my area.  I didn't have the need for that and decided to go other places.  

At this stage in my life I actually don't care anymore if I bump into her, and go back to some of these places.  I'm not interested in seeing her, or talking to her anymore.  I would say hello if I really ran into her, but that would be the limit for me.

She's someone I used to know.  And used to be in love with.

Do I understand that none of your mutual friends or people you know have an idea on the situation between the two of you ?

The most important question is perhaps, when you are completely honest with yourself, how would you feel seeing her ?

Reg

[Ironmanrises]

A good predictor of future behavior... .

Is past behavior.

And when it comes to the behavior of a pwBPD... .

It is a cycle of behavior.

She is in therapy?

That is good.

But it isn't a cure for her behavior.

[Need2Know]

Hi Reg,

Thanks for your concern.

":)o I understand that none of your mutual friends or people you know have an idea on the situation between the two of you?"

Most of my friends know about the situation, and they have supported me (thank god). They want her to stay around as well, however. She lives ca 100 miles away, so there is little risk bumping into her at the street. If we would meet it would happen at a party or an event of some kind, where it might be difficult to sneak away from her.

"The most important question is perhaps, when you are completely honest with yourself, how would you feel seeing her?"

Right now I would cope with it quite well. I have got over her and have restored the good relationship with my wife. But my feelings for her come and go. She is so beautiful (she looks like a model actually), and can be charming like crazy, so I might be shaky if I would meet her at a party with drinks around. So that's why I still try to avoid meeting her. My friends will understand. So probably that is the best thing to do still for a while.

[Need2Know]

Hi Ironmanfalls,

That was a pretty good summary of BPD. ;-)

[Reg]

Hi Need2Know,

You've come to the conclusion yourself.  That was my point after all 

Give it time, I know it sounds like a cliché, but time does heal wounds.  They may turn out to be scars, but a scar isn't always bad, it remembers us of what we survived ! And what we had to do for that.

Keep up the good work focussing on your own growth.  It is a good thing that your friends know about it.  They may not understand it completely, as my former partner was also extremely good in her job and very charming.  They didn't get to see the real inside with all the borderline behavior.

Take care !

Reg

[willbegood]

Hi Need2Know, I've thought about the same things as it's a possibility for me also. What I decided is it depends on how I feel about the situation. Right now not being too far out from our relationship I would skip any party she were to be at. Later on down the road, as long as I was in control of my life, I'd probably go to the party.

It would also depend on the type of party/event. Something semi organized like a christmas party or function I'd do. I think I'd stay away from some beer guzzling party. At least the first time anyway.

In any event, as long as I was in control I'd be ok.