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[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello,

Having read some of the posts we realise that we are certainly not alone. Our Daughter is now in her 30's and she has gone through most of the stages that we have seen mentioned and we have just reached the point of forcing her to leave our house with nowhere to go. We know that this won't be the end and that a suicide attempt will most likelymfollow.

We are really struggling and the situation is adversly affecting our own relationship, jobs and our other children.

All we can do is soldier on.

[Yellow1]

Hello,

Having read some of the posts we realise that we are certainly not alone. Our Daughter is now in her 30's and she has gone through most of the stages that we have seen mentioned and we have just reached the point of forcing her to leave our house with nowhere to go. We know that this won't be the end and that a suicide attempt will most likelymfollow.

We are really struggling and the situation is adversly affecting our own relationship, jobs and our other children.

All we can do is soldier on.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Window Moth]

My daughter is 23 and left home as soon as she turned 18. There was a time or two where I offered to let her move back in but it never worked out. The latest episode didn't even last one month.

More recently she was looking to move back in to finish up college. I had to say no. It's so hard, she keeps blaming me when things aren't going her way. She doesn't seem to take any responsibility for her situation.

Like you said, we just keep soldering on.

[Yellow1]

Yes, we know. It's always someone else or something else, never what our Daughter does.

We've worked hard all our lives and we were starting to plan our retirement but she has ramped things up. I think it's her reaction to us trying to get some time away.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Yellow1 & 

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the confusion and pain of your daughter's BPD; it's a great thing that you have found us! Understanding our children with BPD (my own adult son who is 36 is the reason I am here) is entirely impossible without the Articles, Workshops & Books that are out there explaining what BPD is, how our child's brain works, and how to deal with it.

I know that until I read the information linked to above (and also to the right-hand side of this page; check out The Lessons, especially the Tools for Communication), I had no idea how to talk to my son or how to deal with my own confusion and pain over how he was acting. Though we cannot change our children (or anyone else, either!), once we change how we communicate with them, they almost always change the way they react to us! And things start to get better... .

Can you tell us more of your story? Has she already moved out? I know that we were at the point of wanting our son to move out (he is not in the position at this time to support himself), but instead learned the information in the links I've provided to you above and things really are better, and he is not doing any of the self-destructive behaviors that his moving out certainly would have assured. (He's had problems with drug addiction and suicidal ideation in the past.)

When you have the chance to read the information around here, can you let us know what you think about it? I know that learning the communication tools (Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) and applying them made things better in our relationship with out son immediately! I truly recommend checking it out... .


(And a big Welcome &   to you, too, Window Moth... .I hope you get the chance to read the links above, even though your daughter is not at home; this information and the communication tools help regardless whether our child lives with us or not... .I'm glad you found us!)

[qcarolr]

These are really good links to finding the courage, strength and skills to make changes in your life. Often this does gradually change how our BPDkids respond to us. Baby steps. Let us know if you have any questions or need support in the leaning curve.

My BPDDD is 27. She has been asked to leave our home several times. When she seems to be in extreme distress and open to getting help, we have allowed her to move back in. Looking back, this may not have been the best plan - I was so desparate for her to choose to get some kind of treatment. My dh and I did not have 'training' needed in setting and applying good boundaries. We are learning to be on the same team, which helps.

The tools do work - when I am getting the support I need to stay calm, focused, and consistent in my boundaries that protect my core values. We have had some better periods. Then she gets to that bored place being with family, she has not followed through with getting treatment (or staying on her current probation requirements), and the spiral down happens again. I get emotional and lose touch within my self to my toolbag.

This has indeed has taken a big toll on all members of the family. Most especially my gd8 (granddaugther, age 8). She is a major reason DD cannot be in our home right now. DD does not get this -  that we need to protect gd with a safe home. DD does not feel safe to gd.

I am so conflicted. This does get in the way of sticking to my boundaries. DD is currently in jail for probation violations. She does not accept this. I have to stick to this, and keep suggesting the one transistion program that is open to her. Or she can return to living homeless as she has in the past.

Yet, she is getting treatment in jail. She says she is getting therapy. Has asked me to do therapy with her when she gets out. She is doing classes in working toward greater independence - jobs skills, living skills. So how do I best support her, without conceding to her persistent request to be in her room at our house again? This ends up as the conversation a brings our phone calls to a stop - DD hangs up or I hang up.

What are your conflicts with asking your D to move out? Does she have an alternative place to go?

qcr