Agreements, to a BPD they mean nothing

[Jnah2004]

Well my soon to be ex-wife is at it again. We went to mediation again, this time came to an agreement everything has been recorded until the final papers have been drawn up. There is supposed to be 50/50 time sharing with our 13 year old daughter. BUT of course my ex-wife has been playing games in restricting how much time I can see my daughter from; she is sick (not told this until 5 min before I am to pick her up), she is not feeling well (again not told this until 5 min before I pick her up), to she has homework, to she has other appointments, the excuses and they are excuses if not total lies is endless. So I kept a calendar and documented what has been going on and reported it to my attorney who in turn sent a letter to her attorney. The response has been hostile to say the least. Since my ex-wife got the letter from her attorney I have gotten multiple football field long texts full of threats, false accusations and innuendos. I have already spent $9,000 on this divorce while my wife got a attorney to work for her pro bono. I am simply asking her to abide by the agreement she agreed to. Any advice would be appreciated; I am running out of money. (I am sure this is a story that is repeated often here)

[ForeverDad]

Your parenting is not 'conditional' upon how your daughter feels, how much homework she has or whether she might be feeling a little ill.  She can do homework or recover or whatever just as well at your home.  She is trying to wedge you into a position where you are seen as secondary or less capable or less involved.

Whether or not this works, be aware that your ex may also try to manipulate your teen daughter into not wanting to be 50% of the time with you.  Over time teens may be allowed gradually increasing but limited decision-making in their lives but that's a court decision, not ex's unilateral call.  However, that's a separate issue.  Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak may be helpful for that type of child manipulation.

Unless the agreement has provisions for exceptions of that sort, those minor claims don't count, not one bit.  When is the agreement enforceable?  If the agreement is enforceable now then when there is the next incident (and it is an excuse, not a reason) then you can call the police to request assistance at the exchange location.  So always carry copies of your current agreements and orders with you, especially at exchanges.  They will advise your ex to cooperate with the exchange but may not force an exchange.  (Hard to say, when it happened with me the officers just wanted to defuse the immediate incident and said to resolve it in court.)  Whatever happens, request a report of the incident from the officer, it is documentation of ex's lack of cooperation (non-compliance) with a settlement or order.

Sadly, the more you let her ignore the new boundary nof 50/50 parenting time, the more brazen she;'ll get and keep doing it or do worse.  Pushing boundaries is what she knows, it worked in the past and she'll keep doing it as much as she can and as long as she can.  In a manner of speaking you need to be the immovable wall confronting her irresistible force.  Some things are minor, not worth legal action and just Let Go.  The new 50/50 is not a minor issue.

[momtara]

When you have had enough - and you have enough documentation (her texts, etc) - which may be soon, it is time to act.  I know the story with the money.  I have never been in debt in my life and now I keep running it up on new credit cards.  There are ways to save (draft your own lawyer letter and then send it to your atty).  Yes, this story is common here.  Hopefully you will get more advice.  Feel comfortable knowing you will prevail in the end.  Record all interactions with her so she can't make a false complaint.

Maybe her atty will tell her the dangers of withholding your child.  She could lose custody if she is not willing to share.

You got 50/50 for a reason.  It means the courts trust you.

My husband, on the other hand, is obsessed with agreements and sticks to them very carefully.  Maybe made BPDs are different in that regard.

[Mcgddss]

Can't offer advice - but only support.

I clicked on your post because the subject matter struck close to home.

Already spent over $6,000 and we are just at mediation.

My uBPDh has not paid a single bill on our shared home since June.  He receives 1600/month in disability and his relatives are giving him large sums of money and he claims he does not have enough to rent a place nearer to our town.

His drama is exhausting - as I am sure your wife's is too.

Best wishes for better outcomes!

[livednlearned]

Well my soon to be ex-wife is at it again. We went to mediation again, this time came to an agreement everything has been recorded until the final papers have been drawn up. There is supposed to be 50/50 time sharing with our 13 year old daughter. BUT of course my ex-wife has been playing games in restricting how much time I can see my daughter from; she is sick (not told this until 5 min before I am to pick her up), she is not feeling well (again not told this until 5 min before I pick her up), to she has homework, to she has other appointments, the excuses and they are excuses if not total lies is endless. So I kept a calendar and documented what has been going on and reported it to my attorney who in turn sent a letter to her attorney. The response has been hostile to say the least. Since my ex-wife got the letter from her attorney I have gotten multiple football field long texts full of threats, false accusations and innuendos. I have already spent $9,000 on this divorce while my wife got a attorney to work for her pro bono. I am simply asking her to abide by the agreement she agreed to. Any advice would be appreciated; I am running out of money. (I am sure this is a story that is repeated often here)

High conflict = high cost.   

Hang on tight to the threats. Did your L say to file a motion for contempt? Letters from lawyers does nothing, in my experience. Has anyone ever had a good outcome from that? Official legal court orders don't mean anything, so why would a letter mean something? My two cents: letters between lawyers is pissing money away.

Do you eventually want more time with your kids? Is there a bigger goal that you want? Because if she continues to block your time with your kids, and you document it, and get it in front of the court, maybe you can swing things in your favor.