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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Worst reaction to your BPDs behavior?  (Read 11167 times)
goldylamont
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« Reply #30 on: October 10, 2013, 01:01:44 PM »

Badly Abused I think anyone would be distraught with the situation you were dealing with with your ex. It sounds like you are also working through some of your own personal issues also separate from your ex and r/s? I am concerned since most of the responses here involve us doing or saying something that may have been mean to our ex's, however in your situation your reaction was to do something mean to yourself. Are you still currently working with a professional to work through these issues? Best of luck and thanks for sharing 
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drv3006
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« Reply #31 on: October 10, 2013, 01:13:46 PM »

Left mine abandoned at a restaurant.  And said and text much worse.   That's when I know I am getting unhealthy.  When I stoop to their level. 

Of course all he remembers is that I left him to walk.  (which he probably didn't)  And that I am a hate person.  Right now I am trying to get him his taxes that I got done for him and I am hateful because I am having them couriered instead of meeting face to face.   Nothing we do good is good and whatever we do wrong is blown up so big.  And they are just perfect.   

The best thing I am learning from this is I let people make me sick. And frankly I am tired of it.  So, you did it, you feel bad.   That's good.  They do it they don't   In fact they do stuff and say its our fault they did.   Its just a horrible cycle.     I am glad you posted this.   Sometimes they make us feel so bad that we almost have this ideal of ourselves that we have to be perfect.  Its creepy. 

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hopealways
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« Reply #32 on: October 10, 2013, 01:28:20 PM »

Left mine abandoned at a restaurant.  And said and text much worse.   That's when I know I am getting unhealthy.  When I stoop to their level. 

Of course all he remembers is that I left him to walk.  (which he probably didn't)  And that I am a hate person.  Right now I am trying to get him his taxes that I got done for him and I am hateful because I am having them couriered instead of meeting face to face.   Nothing we do good is good and whatever we do wrong is blown up so big.  And they are just perfect.   

The best thing I am learning from this is I let people make me sick. And frankly I am tired of it.  So, you did it, you feel bad.   That's good.  They do it they don't   In fact they do stuff and say its our fault they did.   Its just a horrible cycle.     I am glad you posted this.   Sometimes they make us feel so bad that we almost have this ideal of ourselves that we have to be perfect.  Its creepy. 

You may have left him at a restaurant but I am sure he did things worse, and all the time, and did not feel remorse.
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SeekerofTruth
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« Reply #33 on: October 10, 2013, 01:46:10 PM »

Excerpt
How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Just jump on the BPD express -- you'll get there in a New York minute.

LOL  Well, i've actually begun to appreciate the validity in the theory, our BPDs cycle between 1. the vulnerable seducer, 2. the clinger, 3. the hater. During the later stages of r/s they can cycle between the phases rapidily, whereas previously they it may have taken months to years to go from one phase to the next.  We're divorcing and have been exchanging nasty emails, as our sole means of contact while attempting to "negotiate".  I had a nasty "last farewell email" ready to respond with... .but instead after cooling down a bit, I simply responded with "so do you want to talk about it"... .and then she asked if " will sweet (name) show up", to which i responded " yes, will the sweet (name) show up".  So i was prepared to negotiate and be protective, instead we hugged for 3 minutes after i walked in the door.  Had an intimate conversation about her "growth", during the middle of which she asked "are you hard?".  which i wasn't, but became LOL.  We wound upmaking passionate love after not seeing one another for about 3 months.  For whatever reasons, i was essentially depressed for the next 4 days, and could barely get out of bed.

Excerpt
 Such bad karma to give into those demons... . 

Yep, as the Karma bus eventually trucks along and smacks into and then backs up over the karma wisher of ill intent and then drives forward.  

So my worst acting out was about 6 weeks ago.  I sent her 3 successive nasty emails - short and full of vitriol - calling her every name in the book and outing her BPD and making a decision (after i got triggered and successfully solicited) to say fuk the "high road" i will go down to the depths of hell and look her in the eye... .and dish back.  Well as mean, explicative ridden name-calling as it was I didn't call her "fat' which i think in my screwed up way of thinking was one way of sending her in code i would not hit her in that spot (she's overweight, i called her fat azz once in 8 years during a particularly frustrating time coaching her for a triatholon, so she could put it on her resume, don't think she's been on a bike, swam, or jogged since the event... .but recall within the last year of her hater phase, her lashing out at me for calling her "fat", which i didn't but made a comment about the amount of money she was spending on groceries)... .but i digress; ADD kicking my butt today.

So, i've been pretty confrontative in email as of late (counterproductive) about outing her BPD and citing example after example of BS i have endured CALLING IT OUT-FULL STOP; essentially demanding she get in treatment specific to BPD and narcissistic abuse... .and kinda pulling a page from her own book and throwing it back in her face... .which quite frankly diminishes my humanity, my compassion, the very things i am looking for from her... .while basically stating to her she is not a true friend.  I feel very hurt and angry that we failed to go the route of amicable mediation, but it is in keeping  par with anything i want, rarely happens as it winds up being her way or the highway with super uber control... .or when my jerk button gets released she responds with administrative detachment.

Again, ways that i am hurting my self and regressing rather than being committed to growth and resilency no matter what, but instead feeling a sense of inner rage and wanting her to feel hurt and with a motive of revenge (feelings, i have always regulated and controlled thru my adult life in taking the higher road)... .so i geuss its back to biting off my own nose, getting disgusted with myself, because there is no win in these tactics and enough dysfunction is ENOUGH.  It does nothing to help my depression, integrity, and honor, rather it feeds the angry bitter resentful wolf, i've allowed her to let myself turn into.  I think i have a trauma bond, like an abused child to an abusive parent, whom still attaches to the abusive parent as child protective services comes to take the child out of harm's way.   what are peptides anyways... .but addictive little creatures deep down nestled in there demanding screaming for more, more, more like a nest full of baby robins with their mouths wide open waiting to be fed when momma bird returns with  a worm.  too much.  exhausting for me too.  my life is passing me by and i am pissed and unable to sustain my focus or concentration, except for ruminative clusterfuk associations i've just vented. ugg

Excerpt
Yep, as the Karma bus eventually trucks along and smacks into and then backs up over the karma wisher of ill intent and then drives forward.  

 Agreed.  Well said.
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Traumatized
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« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2013, 02:33:07 PM »

Badly Abused I think anyone would be distraught with the situation you were dealing with with your ex. It sounds like you are also working through some of your own personal issues also separate from your ex and r/s? I am concerned since most of the responses here involve us doing or saying something that may have been mean to our ex's, however in your situation your reaction was to do something mean to yourself. Are you still currently working with a professional to work through these issues? Best of luck and thanks for sharing 

Yes, I brought huge personal issues into the relationship.  Just like I had to deal with her BPD, she had to deal with my rock bottom low self esteem amongst other issues.  I think it exhausted both of us.  I've been getting professional help for 4 years, but things only seem to be getting worse for me instead of better.

Thanks for the cyber hug! 
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EatingOranges

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« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2013, 02:44:40 PM »

After being verbally abused in a restaurant, she called her mom in front of me and handed me the phone.  Her mom begged me to hug her/hold her on the couch while we watch tv after because her daughter was "really sorry"  and couldn't I just get over it.  I couldn't. 

I said to her later that night, " (Name), You must think I'm Jesus Christ.  Because only Jesus Christ could take your sh== and hold you all night long.
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drv3006
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« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2013, 02:47:44 PM »

After being verbally abused in a restaurant, she called her mom in front of me and handed me the phone.  Her mom begged me to hug her/hold her on the couch while we watch tv after because her daughter was "really sorry"  and couldn't I just get over it.  I couldn't. 

I said to her later that night, " (Name), You must think I'm Jesus Christ.  Because only Jesus Christ could take your sh== and hold you all night long.

May I borrow that
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EatingOranges

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« Reply #37 on: October 10, 2013, 02:57:11 PM »

After being verbally abused in a restaurant, she called her mom in front of me and handed me the phone.  Her mom begged me to hug her/hold her on the couch while we watch tv after because her daughter was "really sorry"  and couldn't I just get over it.  I couldn't. 

I said to her later that night, " (Name), You must think I'm Jesus Christ.  Because only Jesus Christ could take your sh== and hold you all night long.

May I borrow that

DRV3006... .Absolutely!  Although I hope you or I never have to use it again!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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eyvindr
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« Reply #38 on: October 10, 2013, 04:06:54 PM »

All --

I wanna say "wow," but honestly -- the wow factor has faded to "as predicted," with respect to the ever-growing catalogue of similarities and shared experiences b/t r-ships with these poor souls.

croovis --

It really drives me crazy. On the one hand i feel really guilty for being a dick, but on the other I feel like the betrayals I endured in our relationship were far worse than any words I had to say. I dont go out of my way to start things, I just react when I get betrayed and my pride gets stomped on. But she pulls this victim card, me and my cruel oppressive words. Its crazy- am I expected to be a bloody saint? Just sit there and empathetically hold her hand when she stomps on my heart?

Is it really all that bad to say those things or do I have a right to vent?

Yeah, pretty much -- you're expected to sit patiently and agree with every hurtful unwarranted accusation without getting remotely upset, let alone angry with her. (And yes -- you have every right to vent. Get it out.)

heeltoheal --

I called mine a psychopath, and got a shocked look from her which told me I wasn't the first to tell her that. Hmmm. I didn't even know what a psychopath was then, but it sounded good, and her look made me find out, which led me to BPD, which led me here.

Makes you wonder sometimes if our unconscious minds were looking out for us, huh? I know, in my case, when I would finally reach the point of reacting to the abuse, it truly was like I couldn't stop myself from verbally defending myself. My ex always contended that I was the only one in her life who ever told her the things I said. Quite possible -- I did often feel, when I'd attempt to talk to her about some concern, and she'd react so absolutely inappropriately -- anger, insults, criticisms, instead of just responding to my concern -- that, judging by her reactions, I must have been the first person in her life to ever point out that she was less than perfect, or to ever tell her "no." I usually called her a "spoiled little brat," in the heat of the moment -- that's how damned abusive I am. And I wish I'd've left it at that, but in our last stupid telephone altercation, I did tell her she was acting like a "crazy bhit." I'm sure she'll never forget it. (Ever notice how the only people who get upset if you call them crazy are crazy people?)

babyducks -- 

And in a violent echo of a badly broken heart I threw a punch at the wall,  the concrete wall, and fractured my hand.  It took a surgeon and four screws and a plate to put my hand back together.

I punched a wall once -- in the midst of being harangued for spending too much time. Having dinner. With my family. On Christmas EVE! I had told her to leave, and she refused, and just kept haranguing me about how low a priority she must be to me for me to treat her with such dismissiveness on Christmas Eve... .blah, blah, blah... .I punched the wall, at some point out of sheer frustration -- with the side of my fist, to make a noise. No damage to the wall or my hand. Or her, mind you. Just a loud *thump*. To this day, she cites it as an example of my "abusive behavior" and evidence of my "violent nature."

I don't even kill *spiders* in my house -- I take them outside. But I punched a wall. Like, "sorry, wall."

Escaped --

then I got angry and gave him some real truths, such as that he needs to see a therapist about Cluster-B disorders, and that he doesn't love me, he only loves himself and his fake FB-persona and revels in his arrogance.

I regret that last part, that he doesn't love me, because I know it isn't true - he does love me as best he is able to love, and he doesn't love himself in the slightest, but is so wildly dysfunctional that he cannot make any real decisions about anything, and simply reacts to others, including reacting to encourage women who believe in his ultra-cool and witty FB-persona.

That sounds almost verbatim exactly like things my ex said to me! So weird.

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« Reply #39 on: October 10, 2013, 05:44:45 PM »

eyvindr:

"when I'd attempt to talk to her about some concern, and she'd react so absolutely inappropriately -- anger, insults, criticisms, instead of just responding to my concern."

That to me is the core of it, and I just let it go, time and time again.  I LET IT GO!  What the hell was I thinking?  And that is the most important question to me now.  Is that my wiring from childhood still running around my psyche?  Probably.  :)igging deep requires courage and vulnerability, and the gift that was my BPD experience is the need and desire to look.  Water seeks it's own level, and I was in that relationship because it was the right one then, and if I want healthier, I need to get healthier.
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PhoenixRising15
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« Reply #40 on: October 10, 2013, 07:37:20 PM »

Let's see... .

1.)She made fun of my most intimate issues behind my back with a bunch of junkies and completely abandoned me to go do a bunch of drugs so I went home (abandoned her) in her mind... .so she blacked me out to her friends and family.

2.) I wrote her an email expressing how I'd felt abandoned many times... .so she hited another guy (afraid of abandoment claim)

3.) She kicked me out of where we were staying 3000 miles from home, so I yelled at her on the way out.  Called her a b**ch, F her drug addict friends, and I told her i was going to stop hiding the truth of what she'd been doing the whole time... .blacked me out again, silent treatment, cheated on me.

I don't know... .this happened a few more times.

Then, I went logical on her.  I'd just ask her questions to point out her errors in logic, when facts didn't add up.  Boy did this enrage her.  Then, she started the physical violence.

Eventually, i really reached a point where I just stopped reacting.  I dissociated and just started taking it, fearing the next round of abuse, and praying for a breadcrumb of love.

It sickens me to read that.  I'm a former college athlete with great prospects, women have approached me many times to tell me I deserve better, how attractive I am, yet all I can somehow see right now in the mirror is the pathetic wimp who couldn't walk away from an angry toddler.

I'm ashamed.
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DragoN
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« Reply #41 on: October 10, 2013, 08:02:22 PM »

Questioningfaith, try not to beat yourself up. BPD plug into our soft spots, Idealize, then devalue. It's an addiction. It's very little terrible about you, but the good and loving aspect of a person that they are able to emotionally capitalize on to my/ your detriment.

Excerpt
Then, I went logical on her.  I'd just ask her questions to point out her errors in logic, when facts didn't add up.  Boy did this enrage her.  Then, she started the physical violence.

Same here. And I will stick with logic and reason from here until eternity. "Emotional Reasoning" is not going to be my guiding light in existence.

eyvinder

Excerpt
Makes you wonder sometimes if our unconscious minds were looking out for us, huh? I know, in my case, when I would finally reach the point of reacting to the abuse, it truly was like I couldn't stop myself from verbally defending myself.

Many of your posts I can really relate to. Defending myself in the wake of the bogus attacks of twisted logic and false accusations is probably the only reason I am not crushed into oblivion.

People react differently to these situations, FOO stuff mixed in there. I was/ am the rebel child. So, that did not work well in the BPD / Non dynamic with my SO.
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peas
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« Reply #42 on: October 10, 2013, 08:22:40 PM »

My worst reactions were not the overt name-calling, losing-your-cool kind, although I did that too toward the end when the r/s was on its last legs.

My reactions were engineered to get directly at his abandonment and control weaknesses.

We had an LDR and I would visit him on weekends. So I usually made sure to spend every hour with him. During devaluation, when nothing positive that I did seemed to change his bad attitude toward me, on a weekend visit I stayed out late one night with one of my good girlfriends in his city (I used to live there) who I had not seen in a while. We went to a bar, had a fun night just catching up with each other. I returned to BPD boyfriend's place just as he was getting up for work. I knew I was in the doghouse.  

He acted like it didn't bother him, but he brought it up the next weekend when he was drunk and mad at me. He verbally attacked me about being out late and who knows what I was up to. I turned my head away from him and smirked with satisfaction, letting him imagine the worst.

I pulled this trick again, but it ended the r/s for good. I walked out of his place mid-argument in the evening (he was drunk; I was done with his blaming me for our failing r/s) and stayed overnight with my friend. I collected my things the next morning and that was the end.  

It's funny, but me being natural me was "reaction" enough for my uBPDexbf. Just me being smarter than him, outgoing, cute, professionally successful, popular -- that was enough to keep my ex-man in a perpetual state of anxiety about me. I didn't have to do anything to hurt him. Just being there for him to feel and love me was hurt enough.
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myself
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« Reply #43 on: October 10, 2013, 08:40:45 PM »

My worst was scrambling to be better, by her definition, in her eyes.

My best is BEING BETTER, in mine.

Idea        Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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eyvindr
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« Reply #44 on: October 10, 2013, 08:52:19 PM »

myself --

My worst was scrambling to be better, by her definition, in her eyes.

My best is BEING BETTER, in mine.

Idea        Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Poster material.
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« Reply #45 on: October 13, 2013, 09:03:02 PM »

"How does one go from "soulmate" to "monster"?

Just jump on the BPD express -- you'll get there in a New York minute."

Thank you for that.  It is both true, and it made me laugh.  There is nothing funny about what we are going through, yet if we can mock it a bit, I think it helps a lot.

I saved that one.

Annie
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« Reply #46 on: October 14, 2013, 07:28:28 PM »

Questioning Faith:

Right there with you.  Not so much with her drug abuse and cheating per se; mine's on the suppossed high functioning spectrum... .

but end result; very similar.  Not that I feel ashamed about not being able to walk away... .but at a loss, very confused, as to how far down, numbed out, and oblivious to my prior strengths.  Confidence nearly destroyed. So much of myself I gave away, or let her take... .under the assumption we'd experience mutuality rather than a long downward spiral of passive aggressiveness, denial, and projection.  Tired of the victim role.  Yet currently imprisoned to these negative binds.

And while divorce proceedings are underway, I'm in the midst of a recycle.  Aside from the loving intimacy, after incredibly destructive negative emailing back and forth (mutuality)... .i feel like a dissociative ghost sleep walking thru what's become a surreal existence. 5-8 years, 5-8 months, 5-8 days... .

Fighting for breadcrumbs... .What the heck  "like a moth to a flame"
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #47 on: October 14, 2013, 08:27:24 PM »

Ive embarrassed myself beyond belief. Sending sobbing messages when I had too much to drink. Acting like a pathetic loser. Most recently showing up where I was clearly not wanted. (he was busy wooing another girl). Validating all of his feelings and pretending mine didn't matter.  AllOwing him to treat me like comPlete crap the last two months of the relationship when he was sending clear signals he wasn't sure be didn't want me anymore. If I could have one do over... .it would be that I ended all contact with him when I finally walked out. Left with some dignity and grace. Now here I am mOnths later trying to let go with some dignity and grace. I hate that I acted the way I did. Mortally Ashamed and humiliated.
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« Reply #48 on: October 14, 2013, 08:43:08 PM »

Emelie... .



I know that feeling... .

You described... .

Of not being wanted... .

That was how it was like for me... .

On my birthday... .

Which was the tail end of the devaluation... .

In round 2... .

Where i spent a few days in her house.

I know that feeling... .

Exactly... .

Of not being wanted.

I saw it on her face... .

As she dysregulated... .

I never felt... .

More alone... .

In my life... .

Then those horrific... .

Few days... .

Including my birthday.

Humiliated... .

Beyond words.

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SeekerofTruth
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« Reply #49 on: October 14, 2013, 11:07:11 PM »






It appears i may have spoken too fast regarding feeling "ashamed" or embarrassed... .when i said earlier

Excerpt
Not that I feel ashamed about not being able to walk away... .but at a loss, very confused, as to how far down, numbed out, and oblivious to my prior strengths.  Confidence nearly destroyed. So much of myself I gave away, or let her take... .under the assumption we'd experience mutuality rather than a long downward spiral of passive aggressiveness, denial, and projection.  Tired of the victim role.  Yet currently imprisoned to these negative binds.

Hmmm... .maybe remorse and regret for not being able to walk away... .but then again, the words of BPDspell appear to articulate what I'm not yet able to describe in feelings of shame that i have avoided in my last post , quoted above.  Hence, i'd like to revisit where being ashamed or having a sense of shame does indeed reside inside of me:

Excerpt
   So how did shame manifest itself inside of me? Hating myself, blaming myself for my ex's actions, living in delusion and denial, accepting abuse, accepting my ex's lies as truth, using my ex as a cover up for my own feelings of worthlessness, treating my ex better than I treated myself, protecting my ex by not revealing his abuse... .

This is my shame and I now OWN IT.

I had a tough time being in touch with my own personal shame and deep sense of unworthiness because staring into my own mirror was something that I did not want to do. Just like my ex.

So what did I do? I stared into my ex's mirror hoping that he could validate me and make me feel worthy of the love that didn't exist inside of me.

Just like my ex.

When there's no love for yourself; shame is it's replacement.

It's hard to admit that we don't love ourselves and avoiding this truth comes with consequences like picking damaged people to love us.

I compare engagement with a BPD like investing in a car with a busted tail light, cracked rear view mirrors, a rusty engine, a dirty window shield. How the hell can a damaged car take you far?

Same thing with our exs. They can't take us far because their capacity to navigate love is extremely compromised.

Feeling weak and discouraged.  Hmmm... .still part of the negative crippling self sabotaging bind of which shame may indeed have a hold... .
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eyvindr
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« Reply #50 on: October 14, 2013, 11:11:49 PM »

Emelie,

You're human. Forgive yourself. You were only reacting genuinely to what you were feeling. Sure, we all have moments we'd love to re-do, scenes we'd like to re-shoot -- forgive yourself. These r-ships are hard, they are intense, they push us to extremes. Please don't beat yourself up over this. At least your feelings were real, huh?

*hugs*

e.
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« Reply #51 on: October 14, 2013, 11:25:41 PM »

Seeker,

Does my description put her on the low end?

I (ashamedly) hope so.  My worst fear (which in writing I realize I need to detach from - her life is her own) is that she will go on to be this amazing hollywood star/artist that she wants to be.  That I will have somehow lost out, because I didn't learn validation skills and just stick with her.

I want to see her bottom out, face her addictions, make amends.

I guess I have this high and mighty view of who she "is".

My view:

Gorgeous

Cultured

Well Put together

Intelligent

Talented

Motivated

Passionate

Reality:

maybe a 6.5 or 7 out of 10

Acts like a belligerent uneducated child, but fakes intellectual conversation well

cant keep a friend or promise for the life of her, terrible r/s w family (lies to everyone one of them and rages) and doesn't even keep her appearance or room clean - total mega skank/bhit look

Talks about big things - hasn't followed through on a single one

Sits around ALLLLLLLLLLL day smoking pot and then does harder drugs at night

Fakes every emotion, literally, I watched it with her friends.

That was actually the real eye opener for me, when I realized, wait a second, she lies to her mom, her best friends, every other person in her life, why the heck wouldn't she lie to me?

I think thats when my idolization faded.

So I truly am curious, am I just in denial about how great and high functioning she is because she's in art classes and pulls A's and B's?

Is she actually in the lower end of functioning?

Cuz honestly (and again ashamedly) that'd be a relief.

I thought I lost a priceless piece of gold!
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hopealways
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #52 on: October 14, 2013, 11:40:38 PM »

Seeker,

Does my description put her on the low end?

I (ashamedly) hope so.  My worst fear (which in writing I realize I need to detach from - her life is her own) is that she will go on to be this amazing hollywood star/artist that she wants to be.  That I will have somehow lost out, because I didn't learn validation skills and just stick with her.

I want to see her bottom out, face her addictions, make amends.

I guess I have this high and mighty view of who she "is".

My view:

Gorgeous

Cultured

Well Put together

Intelligent

Talented

Motivated

Passionate

Reality:

maybe a 6.5 or 7 out of 10

Acts like a belligerent uneducated child, but fakes intellectual conversation well

cant keep a friend or promise for the life of her, terrible r/s w family (lies to everyone one of them and rages) and doesn't even keep her appearance or room clean - total mega skank/bhit look

Talks about big things - hasn't followed through on a single one

Sits around ALLLLLLLLLLL day smoking pot and then does harder drugs at night

Fakes every emotion, literally, I watched it with her friends.

That was actually the real eye opener for me, when I realized, wait a second, she lies to her mom, her best friends, every other person in her life, why the heck wouldn't she lie to me?

I think thats when my idolization faded.

So I truly am curious, am I just in denial about how great and high functioning she is because she's in art classes and pulls A's and B's?

Is she actually in the lower end of functioning?

Cuz honestly (and again ashamedly) that'd be a relief.

I thought I lost a priceless piece of gold!

Just like my BPDex - it's good that you write these out because once you read it hopefully it reinforces why you should get the heck out of dodge and not look back.  The seduction phase is key to how the BPD traps us.  They idolize us in the beginning to the point where anyone would think they have found true love and then boom they switch to monsters once they know they have us.  They are emotional terrorists.  The only reason you continued to stay instead of running sooner is because you felt unloved growing up.  This is the only reason.  Had you felt loved you would never tolerate this treatment - but it felt familiar to you, so  you stayed. Do not feel ashamed my friend.  Just focus on healing the wounds from childhood - that is the key to healing.
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peas
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #53 on: October 14, 2013, 11:52:52 PM »

Excerpt
Ive embarrassed myself beyond belief. Sending sobbing messages when I had too much to drink. Acting like a pathetic loser ... .Validating all of his feelings and pretending mine didn't matter.  AllOwing him to treat me like comPlete crap the last two months of the relationship when he was sending clear signals he wasn't sure be didn't want me anymore.

Emelie, I have the same instincts and I too put aside my feelings and allowed my ex to treat me like crap in the last part of the r/s when he was trying to shoo me away. I lost dignity when I didn't challenge him on his detaching and I tried even harder to make things work.

I think my pent-up anger toward my ex saved me from the embarrassment of any sobbing messages and drunk dialing post-b/u. It sounds terrible, but I don't want him "to win" and that is what keeps me NC. I'm not a competitive person but I have to assume that attitude because I hurt so much.

Excerpt
If I could have one do over... .it would be that I ended all contact with him when I finally walked out. Left with some dignity and grace. Now here I am mOnths later trying to let go with some dignity and grace. I hate that I acted the way I did. Mortally Ashamed and humiliated.

We can't change the past. And the grass is always greener. I often wonder if I would be in a better emotional state if I or he had broken contact since our last contact three months ago. I try to heal while managing a state of suspension waiting to hear from him. Interpreting the silence can be excruciating: Does he think of me? Is he with someone else? Did he ever love me? Is he happy? Why isn't he recycling me this time? If I broke NC, how would he react? If he broke NC, how would I deal with it?

NC is probably just as difficult as contact.
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goldylamont
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1083



« Reply #54 on: October 15, 2013, 07:19:09 AM »

That was actually the real eye opener for me, when I realized, wait a second, she lies to her mom, her best friends, every other person in her life, why the heck wouldn't she lie to me?

I think thats when my idolization faded.

yes! i had pretty much the exact same realization--i caught her lying to her mom over the phone. it wasn't even a significant lie or anything... .but i was just shocked how easily she lied, to her own mom! it was then that I started to look at her actions more closely and begin my own investigations, and I'm so glad I did.


from @peas:

Excerpt
NC is probably just as difficult as contact.

again i say---yes!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

sorry for the over enthusiasm, i'm on a low-sleep high right now (nothing bad i just like to work all night earlier in the week).
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peas
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« Reply #55 on: October 15, 2013, 10:00:34 AM »

Excerpt
I think my pent-up anger toward my ex saved me from the embarrassment of any sobbing messages and drunk dialing post-b/u. It sounds terrible, but I don't want him "to win" and that is what keeps me NC. I'm not a competitive person but I have to assume that attitude because I hurt so much.

That's my own comment above. I should clarify. I did swallow my dignity, mildly, and reached out to ex in the weeks after our breakup. I tried to engage him in a friendly way. I left him some nice voicemails saying I loved him and I just wanted to make sense of the breakup and not leave with our last contact being our last argument when I walked out of his house. He responded to my voicemail messages in text (of course, refusing to talk to me). He thanked me, but the text exchange quickly fell to ___. They led to text fight where he threatened to call the cops on me. So while I did not call him sobbing, I re-engaged post-b/u wanting answers and some peace. Since then it's been three months mutual NC. 
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eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 900



« Reply #56 on: October 15, 2013, 01:16:03 PM »

peas --

Been there. 

That's my own comment above. I should clarify. I did swallow my dignity, mildly, and reached out to ex in the weeks after our breakup. I tried to engage him in a friendly way. I left him some nice voicemails saying I loved him and I just wanted to make sense of the breakup and not leave with our last contact being our last argument when I walked out of his house. He responded to my voicemail messages in text (of course, refusing to talk to me). He thanked me, but the text exchange quickly fell to ___. They led to text fight where he threatened to call the cops on me. So while I did not call him sobbing, I re-engaged post-b/u wanting answers and some peace. Since then it's been three months mutual NC. 

 Why do they do this sh!t?

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 900



« Reply #57 on: October 15, 2013, 01:54:44 PM »

QuestioningFaith --

Oh, so familiar! Here's mine... .

My view:



  • Beautiful


  • Sweet


  • Creative


  • Kind


  • Intelligent


  • Shy


  • Healthy




Reality:



  • She's still beautiful to me


  • Pretends to be a sweet lil thing in front of people who don't know her, but can be downright mean behind closed doors with those closest to her


  • Talks a lot about being creative, but never does anything


  • She can be kind, most often to people she doesn't know, which is interesting. (Ex.: Each Christmas, she pays for some random person's layaway gifts. But she won't spend more than $20 on gifts for her parents, who watch her primary-school aged daughter ALL year.)


  • Never hesitates to cite her private undergrad degree or her MS degree... .yet has worked in a clerical entry position for over 10 years.


  • Claims to be an exhibitionist, but mostly is very superficially polite with strangers. Have watched her spin the truth with people many times.


  • Over-medicated hypochondriac.




In my case, an early eye-opener was seeing how strained her r-ships w/ her mother and father were -- very little interaction, no eye contact, tense. Should have walked the first time I heard her go off on her father over the phone for not following her commands about something when he was watching her daughter for her

Oh, I stayed. But it did register... .I thought, wow, if she treats her own parents that poorly, how's she going to treat me?... .

Seeker,

Does my description put her on the low end?

I (ashamedly) hope so.  My worst fear (which in writing I realize I need to detach from - her life is her own) is that she will go on to be this amazing hollywood star/artist that she wants to be.  That I will have somehow lost out, because I didn't learn validation skills and just stick with her.

I want to see her bottom out, face her addictions, make amends.

I guess I have this high and mighty view of who she "is".

My view:

Gorgeous

Cultured

Well Put together

Intelligent

Talented

Motivated

Passionate

Reality:

maybe a 6.5 or 7 out of 10

Acts like a belligerent uneducated child, but fakes intellectual conversation well

cant keep a friend or promise for the life of her, terrible r/s w family (lies to everyone one of them and rages) and doesn't even keep her appearance or room clean - total mega skank/bhit look

Talks about big things - hasn't followed through on a single one

Sits around ALLLLLLLLLLL day smoking pot and then does harder drugs at night

Fakes every emotion, literally, I watched it with her friends.

That was actually the real eye opener for me, when I realized, wait a second, she lies to her mom, her best friends, every other person in her life, why the heck wouldn't she lie to me?

I think thats when my idolization faded.

So I truly am curious, am I just in denial about how great and high functioning she is because she's in art classes and pulls A's and B's?

Is she actually in the lower end of functioning?

Cuz honestly (and again ashamedly) that'd be a relief.

I thought I lost a priceless piece of gold!

Logged

"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
AliveButBeatup
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Relationship status: Getting a divorce --- after 9 months. :(
Posts: 124



« Reply #58 on: October 15, 2013, 03:03:29 PM »

I am enjoying this thread in relation to My View and Reality.

I have been separated from my wife for a couple of weeks now. I look at her photos. I still think she is very pretty. However, I also now have first hand knowledge of all of the ugliness inside of her.  I look at her photo and wonder if her friends and family truly understand the depths of the turmoil inside this woman.  I wonder how many of them she was truly honest with when she shared the reasons for our many separations. She told me she told them, but I doubt it.

She was kind to her mother.  They have a good relationship.  Her adopted minor children were often confused by her behavior. I think she loves them, but sometimes I think they are just a paycheck (State of California pays you monthly for adopted foster children). She would very probably be out on the streets if it wasn't for those checks. She cannot find a job for the life of her. Her financial affairs are a disaster. It is all her ex-husband's fault.  She told me on multiple occasions she would pay me back for whatever it was that I was providing money for.  I knew she never would, but I am thinking why even say it if you know you will never be able to.  I found it very distasteful that she would use her 13 year old son's money promising him she would pay it back. He did work for me and we were supposed to invest his savings in the stock market.  There is something I find very fundamentally wrong about taking your child's money to take care of personal obligations that as an adult you should be responsible for.  Am I missing something here?  It is things such as these that I see and realize separation and divorce is what needs to happen.

ABB
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eyvindr
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 900



« Reply #59 on: October 15, 2013, 03:35:04 PM »

I hear ya, Alive.

You start feeling like you thought you were getting a partner, but instead you have an adult child on your hands. 


I knew she never would, but I am thinking why even say it if you know you will never be able to.  I found it very distasteful that she would use her 13 year old son's money promising him she would pay it back. He did work for me and we were supposed to invest his savings in the stock market.  There is something I find very fundamentally wrong about taking your child's money to take care of personal obligations that as an adult you should be responsible for.  Am I missing something here?  It is things such as these that I see and realize separation and divorce is what needs to happen.

ABB

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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
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