Stayed Out Again

[raytamtay3]

My DD14 stayed out all night last night again without telling me where she was. She finally text'd me this morning telling me she is safe and at a friend's house. I do not have said friend's number to confirm.

What is a parent to do when their child doesn't come home? I've called the cops numerous times already and they are so fed up with us. And there really isn't anything they can do anyway. I've taken things away. I've set boundaried. I've validated. Do I just throw p my arms, wave the white flag and just count the days when she is old enough that I can tell her to get the h@ll out if she cannot follow out rules?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heronbird]

Do nothing    

There isnt anything you can do, I hate to say it but what can we do.

I had this with my dd from age 13. It was so scary, what could I do, nothing was the answer. No one helped me or cared.

One night, well, the first time, she told me she was staying at a friend from schools house, I had a rule that I always had to speak to the friends parent if any of our children were staying the night. Dd said oh sorry I cant give you her number my battery is going bye see you tomorrow.

I managed to get out of her it was a road called Shepherds walk in an area three miles away from us, we went there to get her, knocked on the door, and of course it wasnt the house. So we knocked on all the doors in the road, she was not there.

Little did we know that this was the beginning of years of the same old same old stuff.

We found her in the end through a friend, she was at a boys house that she had met that day, that day  so stupid

Now she is 19, maybe its easier, but Police wont do much, psychiatrist was not bothered. I hated those bad days.

I hope you get something sorted out soon, and work something out.

Sorry I cant be more helpful, the only thing I will say is

Get Valerie Porrs book, overcoming BPD.

There will be good tips and tools in there to help you. Do you have it already? I wish I had read it when my dd was 13 it would have helped me a lot

[raytamtay3]

Believe it or not heron, you words and knowing you've been through it helps.  Mainly because I tell people there isn't anything I can do and they look at me like I have two heads. But I'm tired of letting it consume me. It's time to start taking care of me. To stop stressing about something that is simply a losing battle. Even my DH doesn't get it when I say I'm not calling the police as long as I hear from her that she is safe. The police are sick and tired of us and I'm embarassed to call them!

I talked to her therapist and her caseworker about out of home placement since she cannot follow our rules. They said the only way for that to happen is for it to be court ordered, i.e., she'd need to break laws. So I sit and wait for that to happen... .

No I don't have Valerie's book yet but I think I'm gonna get it after so many positive comments. I'm reading Stop Walking on Egg Shells which I'm almost finished.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello raytamtay,

It is sad to hear that the police are not more cooperative with you... .It can be a great 'boundary' type last resort if applied consistently every time.

It is so hard to worry about the safety of one's child... .Have you considered the possibility of placing your dd in a RTC (residential treatment center), or is it something that would not work in your situation?

[peaceplease]

raytamtay,

I am sorry that you are not getting any support from police.  What about her school"  Perhaps contacting the guidance counselor?   

[lbjnltx]

Hello again raytamtay3,

Oh dear!  How very very distressing for you.  I would be worried sick and frustrated with the lack of help as well.

Until your d understands that she needs to keep herself safe and that she is not doing that she will not provide you with the answers here.

It is through my own experiences with law enforcement that I share this with you.

A minor threatening to leaving the family home without permission and not returning to the home at a reasonable time or not at all is an act of juvenile delinquency.  Press the matter to the highest level of the legal system that you must in order to get action.

We were blessed to have very caring and patient deputies help us enforce our boundaries regarding the safety of our then 13 year old daughter.  They would come and speak with her.  They would take her to the Law Enforcement Center (twice in handcuffs) where she would get an interview with a Social Worker for the County.  It took several times for my daughter to realize that we would do whatever it took to enforce the boundaries regarding her safety. 

My daughter did not have the skills she needed to understand that these were acts of love and not control until she was in RTC.  Regardless of what my daughter understood... .I had to do everything within my power to keep her safe.  I am her mother, I love her and I am responsible for her even when no one else will help her, I will.  Giving up or giving in is not an option when it comes to the safety of our minor children.

Where do you go from here raytamtay3?


lbjnltx

[raytamtay3]

We've had her admitted at two hospitals before. Both times insurance covered it for a little over a week. We don't have the money to pay for a RTC.

[lbjnltx]

We've had her admitted at two hospitals before. Both times insurance covered it for a little over a week. We don't have the money to pay for a RTC.

Is rtc something you would consider if you could find the means?

[heronbird]

Hi,

I never got any support from psychiatrist or Police or anyone, and school were useless, they just thought she was a rebellious teen.

Raytamtay3

I read 6 books, I like the one you are reading but it didnt teach me anything. I was loosing my dd and I didnt want to. I feared she would be the girl on the bottle of milk with a title of "missing" and I may never see her again. I couldnt loose her, not that young. When I say Loose her, I also mean loose my relationship with her.

I could see she needed someone to talk to, no one understood her, I needed to, I am her mum, I deeply love her.

Once, when dd was about 13, she cut herself and ran out of the house blood everywhere, I was out at the time and her sister rang me so worried about her.  We didnt know where she was for about an hour. The next day when I told her psychologist, he told me that I should have called the Police in case she hurt someone. No one cared about her.

We tried taking her mobile off her and stopping other things, nothing worked.

One thing, I just thought of. Has she got a mobile? if so Looking back, what I would do now if I were you is get a tracker put in it. Find out where she is and go and get her.

We only tried to physically force her to stay in one time, that was a disaster. Its just best to let her go :'( Scary yes, yet what else can we do

Just have a look on TARA website, just give you a gist of the help they talk about.

[raytamtay3]

We've had her admitted at two hospitals before. Both times insurance covered it for a little over a week. We don't have the money to pay for a RTC.

Is rtc something you would consider if you could find the means?

Absolutely. Although I don't know if they would take her. Doesn't she need to be "a risk to herself or someone else" to meet criteria or something? I know with the two hospital stints, one is because she jumped out of my car when it was moving and the other because she grabbed the wheel of my car while I was driving over the bridge. And even then it was hard getting her approved.

[lbjnltx]

We've had her admitted at two hospitals before. Both times insurance covered it for a little over a week. We don't have the money to pay for a RTC.

Is rtc something you would consider if you could find the means?

Absolutely. Although I don't know if they would take her. Doesn't she need to be "a risk to herself or someone else" to meet criteria or something? I know with the two hospital stints, one is because she jumped out of my car when it was moving and the other because she grabbed the wheel of my car while I was driving over the bridge. And even then it was hard getting her approved.

Criteria for placement, quite frankly, depends on who is paying for it.

Self Pay. You choose when, where and how long.

Insurance. They give you a few choices of approved facilities, it must be "medically necessary", length of stay

              usually predetermined by your policy.  If not predetermined they determine based on the clinical

              reports from the rtc.

IEP.  School pays and uses a specialist to work with you to provide choices of facilities.

Combination... .IEP pays for educational aspect of the program. Insurance pays for treatment portion of the

            program. You pay for the rest. (or various combinations).

States sometimes have programs that will pay for residential care.  You just have to find the right loop to jump through.  For example, and this was a few years back, a parent could have a child declared medically dependant  due to a chronic illness (mental or physical) and the child would qualify for medicaid.  Medicaid will pay for rtc care in some instances.  There were very specific guidelines and criteria that must be met for this program to cover rtc... .like Child must not have been in any other state medical facility. And such.

Most of the kids who were in the RTC with my daughter were there on IEP's.  Full pay... .$250.00 per day.  I understand that it has become more difficult to get RTC through an IEP since the economy took a dive. President Bush signed into law the "No Child Left Behind Act" which legally forces the school district to provide alternate education for special needs children.  If the school district cannot provide the appropriate environment for educating a special needs child they are required to fund outside their district and sometimes their state.  Many parents use an Educational Attorney to enforce their rights to RTC through an IEP.  Many parents seek the advice of an Educational Consultant to help them get the school district to place their child in a certain facility vs a facility the school deems appropriate.

There are many avenues to getting RTC placement and funding.  None of them easy.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Dear Raytam,

Our children's safety is our responsibility. No matter the roadblocks we faced, we continually made it clear to our d. that if she was not safe (running for days or not coming home beyond city curfews etc) we would take action. It was difficult and it was hard but coming up against roadblocks in the system was not an excuse for us to still and not take action. Keep pushing with the police, or anyplace else you can find support in keeping her safe.

Lbj is right, finding funding for an RTC is hard, but it can be done. I would encourage you to start looking to see what options exist for you.

Being Mindful