Getting used to the whiplash effect

[Winifred]

Positive developments, finally, after a year of horrors. This time our daughter's psycho boyfriend was waiting for her in the apartment. The beating was vicious, prolonged, and happened in front of her 6 month old baby. At one point he held the baby while he slugged her. She managed to get out with the baby and run for help. Aid car, police, tracking dogs, and hospital treatment for possible concussion, broken bones, and a bitten ear. The next day she came to us. She and the baby have been here since Thursday. The police have a mountain of evidence and are actively looking for the bf. She SEEMS a changed person. Time will tell. We've had too many whiplashes not to be wary, but so far so good. She has been a perfect houseguest and is an extremely attentive mother. Glad to be able to post some good news, finally. My heart goes out to everyone waiting for one good day. With you in spirit, Winifred

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, Winifred... .I'm so glad that she made it out of there with the baby, and that you and your family were able to protect her and keep her & grandchild. I truly pray that the police can find her boyfriend and that the law will take care of him.

Sometimes when our child hits rock bottom they finally turn their lives around, and we can then see a good result from that trauma. It seems like she might have just reached her limit, and is seeing the light finally... .I'll hope and pray that this is the start of a new life for her, and peace for you and your family. It's good that you, yourself, can see the light at the end of the tunnel... .Godspeed 

[Winifred]

Thank you so much, Rapt Reader, for your comments and good wishes. We do have a Good Girl, Bad Girl, and that has been the pattern more or less for the last 20 years. So glad the Good Girl is with us in the present moment! One day at a time, with protecting our grandchild as our first priority and responsibility. We'll se what the future brings. 

[raytamtay3]

Wini - My heart goes out to you all! Wow! I hope they find him and justice is served.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Winifred,

I am so glad to hear that your dd made it out with the baby... .

Hoping for you and your dd that this is a start of another - better - chapter!

At the same time, (not to be a party spoiler) I want to alert you to the possibility, that after such a traumatic experience, you may be the person your dd relies on the most, which may in time eventually bring about the negative side of BPD. So, now might be a wonderful opportunity for you to prepare yourself ahead of time for that possibility and think through how you will be best able to support your dd through that phase, when it comes... .

Does that make sense?

[qcarolr]

Winifred

This was such a traumatic end to this r/s for your DD. What support is there for her? Would she be willing to speak to a domestic violence advocate? As time shifts, and the loss of this bf - even with the terrible abuse - will take it's toll on her. I have watched with deep sadness when my DD steps away from a bad r/s, seeks some help, then suffers the intense loss and grief and goes back to searching for this person again.

You D needs to have lots of support to follow through with this seperation. Let us know how we can support you in supporting your D.

And enjoy that baby ---

qcr

[Winifred]

Thanks to everyone for good wishes and advice. Yes, thanks for reminding me that she will rely on me and that there will be a backlash eventually. Can you fill me in a little on what to expect? She does have a small army of supporters in the form of a CPS social worker, public health nurse, therapist, psychiatrist, and pediatrician, besides us. Then there is her probation officer. A couple of months ago she was arrested for domestic abuse and jailed for 12 hours or so. We don't know all the details, but apparently she got into a fight with the psycho bf. I suspect that she went berserk with the police, because it sounds as if they put her in an isolation cell. She's let slip that the terms of her probation are that she continue with the therapist and psychiatrist, besides meeting weekly with the probation officer. The therapist and psychiatrist are also the requirement we asked for when she assaulted her father. Bottom line, I think, is that the courts and jail may be the best thing for an out-of-control BPD child, hard as it may be for the parents and care-givers. The baby is a sweet gift from God. We are blessed!

[pessim-optimist]

Hi again, Winifred,

I agree with you that as hard as it may be for us to watch, sometimes, when the system steps in to 'be the bad guy' for the benefit of our child, it's for the best and it frees up our hands to validate our child's experience and 'be the good guy'.

As far as what to expect in the future - it differs with every child. But the general pattern is that they tend to 'latch onto' someone, whom they initially idealize, and then as time goes by, they tend to get closer and closer, becoming enmeshed with that person. And several things usually happen during that time: 1. the pwBPD relies more and more on their idealized person for problem-solving, and becomes more and more dependent and passive (that in itself creates problems); 2. the idealized person cannot fulfill all of the pwBPD's expectations, resulting in disappointments that the pwBPD may not be able to handle; 3. also, the closeness may become overwhelming to the pwBPD, creating a reaction of pulling away.

All three may create problems resulting in undesired/abusive behavior coming from the pwBPD; and can create a lot of discord and chaos in the family.

All of the above over time creates a tricky mine-field in the family. But there are things that can be done to prevent some of the above, and keep the r/s (relationship) more even-kieled.

1. I have learned with our adult step-daughter to support her by validating her feelings, asking questions (sort of brain-storming with her about options - but not telling her what I think is best. Just offering my opinion in a non-threatening way if she asks and asking more questions). And encouraging her that I have faith in her to solve the problems that she faces (stepping in and solving the problems for her resulted in her becoming more passive and feeling incompetent and also resenting me/us for it).

2. It may be harder up-front, but stating our boundaries clearly and holding them up - gently, but firmly with compassion, is proving a good approach. It is better than letting things slide and then trying to change the whole situation when it is un-bearable.

3. Validating, validating and again, validating - I try not to make statements that she might interpret as me thinking that she is a failure. I try to let the natural consequences of her actions hit her without trying to rescue her, but when that does happen, I try to validate her feelings as much as I can and then try to ask her questions - stearing the conversation into a more positive/productive territoty.

4. Trying to remain calm and not take things personally, taking a time-out, when it is necessary are all good coping mechanisms that I can be a role-model to her instead letting her actions corrupt my behavior.

Hope that helps. It's a lot to take in... .Take it one step at a time and don't blame yourself if you make a mistake. We all make them.

There is a lot of reading material on this website that you may find helpful  - when you look to the right of this board, you may find stuff that might apply.