How dare I have priorities?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 25 years of marriage and a year and a half in counseling for myself, I finally feel like there is a bit of a light.  Been on the crazy making cycle for the last 25 years with the uBPDw.

Finally after working with my counselor I have enough confidence to know that I am a pretty good dad and husband and that I am not crazy to want a few things out of the relationship.  You know, my own priorities.

The latest dustup came this past Sunday when I dared to state that it was really bothering me that the Christmas ornaments that have been setting out on the steps since last December - yea I know this was a record year, the previous longest was fourth of July.  Despite my daughter and I both offering to put them away several times starting in March, we were always told that we wouldn't do it right. 

I also expressed as I have several times over the past 6 months that I would really like to help more with cooking, but I was frustrated that every counter in the kitchen save the space the width of the cutting board was piled with junk (mail, containers, papers, etc)

The I got really daring and brought up the tub of mail that had resided in our bedroom since our daughter's high school graduation -  2 1/2 years ago... .

Well I might as well of poured gas on a fire.  I got the 3 hour lecture about how insensitive I was to the demands of her job and other commitments and that these things take time that she doesn't have because she is getting ready for A and B and C.  Well I guess the counseling has done some something, because I refused to apologize (which she demanded I do) .  I just kept repeating that I needed to have some of my needs met and that given all her commitments to her own activities I was asking for about 1/100th of her time.    Then she moved onto "the list".

Most of you know about "the list".  It's what the BPD pulls out when they have nothing else and they begin to tick off the litany of things that you have promised to do and failed, or done incorrectly, or just done that they don't like.  My uBPDw usually goes back to when we moved in the house and I promised to projects that I neither had the time or skill to do efficiently or all the way back to when were dating if she is really on a roll.  That is about the time I begin to shut down because frankly I am lucky if I remembered what I had for lunch yesterday.

After the inevitable  night on couch for me, she picked up the next morning with a text stating that she was going to the attorney to file for divorce (even the kids are on the divorce threat routine now).  Still I did not apologize for needing what I need.  So naturally, here we are at Wednesday and it is still going.  Last night was the sleep deprivation routine, where she stayed up to actually clean some of the counters in the kitchen, all the while pointing out how much it was putting her behind at work and in her personal activities.  I kept thinking I have been asking for months and months and in the end it took about an hour 

So I keep asking myself:

1) Do BPD every actually follow through on the threat to leave?  She actually admitted that she was staying not because she wanted to be with me but because she was afraid of being alone.

2) Why do I keep letting myself get drawn into the circular arguments?

3) Will another year of therapy finally get me to the point where I have the strength to leave?

as the name says ugghh!

[ugghh]

After 25 years of marriage and a year and a half in counseling for myself, I finally feel like there is a bit of a light.  Been on the crazy making cycle for the last 25 years with the uBPDw.

Finally after working with my counselor I have enough confidence to know that I am a pretty good dad and husband and that I am not crazy to want a few things out of the relationship.  You know, my own priorities.

The latest dustup came this past Sunday when I dared to state that it was really bothering me that the Christmas ornaments that have been setting out on the steps since last December - yea I know this was a record year, the previous longest was fourth of July.  Despite my daughter and I both offering to put them away several times starting in March, we were always told that we wouldn't do it right. 

I also expressed as I have several times over the past 6 months that I would really like to help more with cooking, but I was frustrated that every counter in the kitchen save the space the width of the cutting board was piled with junk (mail, containers, papers, etc)

The I got really daring and brought up the tub of mail that had resided in our bedroom since our daughter's high school graduation -  2 1/2 years ago... .

Well I might as well of poured gas on a fire.  I got the 3 hour lecture about how insensitive I was to the demands of her job and other commitments and that these things take time that she doesn't have because she is getting ready for A and B and C.  Well I guess the counseling has done some something, because I refused to apologize (which she demanded I do) .  I just kept repeating that I needed to have some of my needs met and that given all her commitments to her own activities I was asking for about 1/100th of her time.    Then she moved onto "the list".

Most of you know about "the list".  It's what the BPD pulls out when they have nothing else and they begin to tick off the litany of things that you have promised to do and failed, or done incorrectly, or just done that they don't like.  My uBPDw usually goes back to when we moved in the house and I promised to projects that I neither had the time or skill to do efficiently or all the way back to when were dating if she is really on a roll.  That is about the time I begin to shut down because frankly I am lucky if I remembered what I had for lunch yesterday.

After the inevitable  night on couch for me, she picked up the next morning with a text stating that she was going to the attorney to file for divorce (even the kids are on the divorce threat routine now).  Still I did not apologize for needing what I need.  So naturally, here we are at Wednesday and it is still going.  Last night was the sleep deprivation routine, where she stayed up to actually clean some of the counters in the kitchen, all the while pointing out how much it was putting her behind at work and in her personal activities.  I kept thinking I have been asking for months and months and in the end it took about an hour 

So I keep asking myself:

1) Do BPD every actually follow through on the threat to leave?  She actually admitted that she was staying not because she wanted to be with me but because she was afraid of being alone.

2) Why do I keep letting myself get drawn into the circular arguments?

3) Will another year of therapy finally get me to the point where I have the strength to leave?

as the name says ugghh!

[Surnia]

Hi ugghh

good to hear that you gained confidence through your work with the counselor!  

And I really don't think the things you are mentioned are crazy. (Sounds btw like she has some hoarding traits.)

About your questions:

1. From my experience here its often they leave bc the fall in love with someone else, not to live a life at his/her own. Or in other words, as a person with strong fear of abandonment one doesn't have so much choice.

2. A very important question. For me it was very difficult too, to resist defending, arguing. I think, we all have a strong sense to be seen as we are. And as a good person. So when someone says: "You are stupid, to do this that way." We start to defend. Instead of saying: I am fine the way I did it. and period.

In my case I was too insecure about my own values too. I am a bit a people pleaser. I could not stand to be not the good person.  

3. Difficult to say. If it is a year or a half or whatever. I think going on with taking care about yourself, being in touch with your own needs, with a T, you will do the right thing for you and your daughter.

I hope this helps a bit.

[Aussie0zborn]

Ahhh yes, "The List". I forgot about that one. I had no idea "The List" was BPD related.

Yes, another year of therapy (or hopefully less) will give you the strength to leave. The trick is not to get worn down in the meantime as it can be one step forwards (with therapy) and two steps back (when you get worn down). Good luck.