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Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
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Topic: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO (Read 666 times)
Siamese Rescue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 144
FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
on:
October 02, 2013, 09:19:04 PM »
I'm currently on the back end of an unsuccessful recycle. At least that's how I think it should be described. I've been part of a triangle for seven years. Until this past Spring my uBPDbf always held me in the higher regard or the relationship he wanted to save the most of the two and despite his treating both women pretty badly, I guess you could say he gave me more of what he would consider respect as compared to the other woman. Still, she held the keys and money and structure of his life. In short, she's like an abusive manipulative mother to him. Theirs is a relationship of toxicity where she manipulates him with money and he keeps her on the hook with sex. It's so grotesque when describing how the reality of life and people exists.
We broke up for three months and then he came back. I was so sure I would make it strict for him to come back but in retrospect I practically rolled out the red carpet. We went back together but there was nothing solid about the relationship this time. It all felt weird, soft, ill defined. We kept claiming we were going to go a therapist but I was the only one who held true on that.
Night before last, after he said multiple "I love you's" before boarding a plane home, he then picked a fight during a phone call on his drive from the airport. By the evening he didn't return my call and finally upon driving to his home, just to see if his car was there, I saw the other woman pull up. She went in and was with him for almost an hour. I of course sent him a barrage of text messages and a voicemail. He called immediately upon her leaving but I didn't answer the phone as i was in a car with my cousin. Another call a few minutes later from him went unanswered as well. I then broke down and tried to call him about a half hour later. No answer.
Any normal person would say, "Enough". Not me. No, apparently not even watching another woman, the OTHER woman, with whom I've had a sword and dagger fight with over the last five years, is enough to make me stop.
I haven't phoned him or texted and now it's back to the waiting game. Eventually he'll resurface. Not anytime soon.
I went to my therapist today who told me I'm loaded with fear. He said I'm stubborn. Refusing to look at the "bad" parts of him in exchange to hold on to the few good things.
My friends and family refuse to discuss this for one more minute of their lives or mine. Yet I sit here feeling so sliced up. He and I had been rocky during this last recycle, as he took spent the Saturday night of his birthday weekend with her, offering to come to my house "afterward" ... .I declined and didn't speak to him for a week, then he started bombarding me with texts the night before I left on a business trip. I of course let him back in, yet again.
I always thought of myself as one with some degree of self respect, despite this toxic relationship. I'm not so sure now. I feel like I'm in a trap because I miss him but I'm so angry at him that if I did have the chance to be with him, the anger pokes through. That has sort of been the theme of this last recycle.
Why can't I let go? What is it going to take for me to move on? I'm clinging to all these good memories - and he's not. He clings to them when he can't have me or wants to seduce me back to him, but otherwise, once he gets me back, he reverts to this arrogant behavior.
I'm at rock bottom. I have nowhere to turn on this anymore. I've alienated almost everyone. They all claim my love for him is illogical and nonsensical. I have to agree. I just can't seem to let go.
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patientandclear
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #1 on:
October 03, 2013, 02:23:33 AM »
SR -- I don't have a brilliant recipe for adding all this up to "enough!" (as you can see from my currently-running thread on this board), but if you aren't ready to be disgusted and done, as urged by your real-life friends & family, what about using some boundaries to shift the terrain? Maybe we (esp those more experienced than I in maintaining a sexual/romantic r/s with a pwBPD) can work on that a bit here so you have some choices.
You made a good start with not letting him come over after seeing the ex on that Saturday. But it feels like your response of not responding to his communication is more retaliatory and defensive than a plan to get on firmer footing.
What about communicating (rather than completely withdrawing) but communicating real, viable boundaries for you that you know you will enforce? Like "I'm not willing to be in an open relationship. If you want to be involved to this degree with [his ex], obviously, you can. I can't be around in this way if you are doing that, though."
The current dynamic sounds really hard. It's no good to feel helpless & not able to shift things even when someone is treating you poorly. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be to risk losing someone whom you are seeing with partial blinders because the good parts are so compelling.
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Traumatized
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 169
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #2 on:
October 03, 2013, 08:28:07 AM »
Quote from: Siamese Rescue on October 02, 2013, 09:19:04 PM
Why can't I let go? What is it going to take for me to move on? I'm clinging to all these good memories - and he's not. He clings to them when he can't have me or wants to seduce me back to him, but otherwise, once he gets me back, he reverts to this arrogant behavior.
I'm at rock bottom. I have nowhere to turn on this anymore. I've alienated almost everyone. They all claim my love for him is illogical and nonsensical. I have to agree. I just can't seem to let go.
I'm right where you are at this point so I understand. I can't let go either and am clinging to the good memories, not the bad ones where I was physically and emotionally beaten.
Everyone I know has been telling me the same thing all along: RUN! But I can't and don't want too. It makes no sense.
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Siamese Rescue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 144
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #3 on:
October 04, 2013, 04:41:29 AM »
Quote from: patientandclear on October 03, 2013, 02:23:33 AM
You made a good start with not letting him come over after seeing the ex on that Saturday. But it feels like your response of not responding to his communication is more retaliatory and defensive than a plan to get on firmer footing.
What about communicating (rather than completely withdrawing) but communicating real, viable boundaries for you that you know you will enforce? Like "I'm not willing to be in an open relationship. If you want to be involved to this degree with [his ex], obviously, you can. I can't be around in this way if you are doing that, though."
The current dynamic sounds really hard. It's no good to feel helpless & not able to shift things even when someone is treating you poorly. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be to risk losing someone whom you are seeing with partial blinders because the good parts are so compelling.
Your replies are always so thoughtful and thought provoking. You're accurate about everything. The problem is that he's been caught and now he's hiding. Actually, I don't know what's going on. I can't have a conversation with him because he and I haven't spoken since Monday night. And in true BPD fashion, or in the true fashion of being involved with a BPD person, I have no idea if we are done or if I will hear from him again. Outsiders say, "oh he'll be back, he'll be on the phone in a matter of days" however it became obvious the other night that he's in a relationship with this other woman to a greater extent than what I knew. I obviously had my suspicions. So, she's holding a great deal of power - I was gone for three months and during that time, she's done a good job of making him paranoid that he can't trust me. Further, she's allegedly trying to save his condo from foreclosure and renegotiating with the bank for him. She's handled so much of his life and I truly believe he is terrified of losing her. Yet, after awhile he gets afraid of losing me. This last recycle though? He was so weird and his behavior was so strange that I was on constant lookout and constantly questioning the things that didn't make sense. He hates questions. Perhaps this time, I finally got on his nerves enough for it to be the real end, then coupled with her seeing me in the parking lot the other night - She can be so intimidating it's impossible to describe. Given that I would imagine he doesn't want to risk having to explain anything else to her or me - and he chooses her. She doesn't care if he is with other women, just not me. So, he has more freedom with her. I refuse to be one of two sex partners for him even though I guess that's what's happened by default behind my back.
So, currently, I have no power to communicate because he has me frozen out because I caught him the other night. I know with all certainty that if I called him, he would not answer the phone. Then, to complicate things, my exhusband is handling a case for him. Which means that I'm on the waiting end of "did he ask about me?" during their phone calls.
You are also correct about me just remembering the good points. It's so true. A new therapist said, "you are choosing to be blind to the reality of who he is and you're focusing on the good parts only" --
The sick, sad truth is that I miss my life that we had, even though it was toxic. The life we had before our break up, not this last recycle which was a weird experience where it was obvious that he was hiding me from her.
The whole thing is so unhealthy and my brain knows it, but my heart is in the driver's seat. This sucks.
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Accepting
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 122
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #4 on:
October 04, 2013, 05:03:07 AM »
Hello.
I'm posting on the leaving/detaching board as that is where I feel I'm at with quite strong resolve right now.
However, I thought I'd see how people in the Staying board are faring. Not too well it seems. I am sorry you're at this point still.
If I could use an analogy for your situation... .from being there many times (not the triangle, just him and I)... .having one of these relationships is like eating really yummy Lindt chocolate... .then eating some more... .and some more... .and you know it's not good for you to keep indulging but you do all the same. Then suddenly you've reached the end of the block and you're feeling a little ill, over it... .you don't want to have any more of the chocolate. You don't even want to finish it. Suddenly you've reached a place where enough is enough and you're done. Someone said to me how I obviously wasn't 'really finished' with him and I yet and only time would get me to that place. Well, I think they're right. I think accepting the situation for what it truly is and not fantasising about the what if's and what only's is a really important step to take to regaining control of the situation and once more taking responsibility for your own happiness. It's hard, as they make it so compelling to return over and over... .those little amazing bits swaying our minds to re-enter their arms just once more... .but the reality is it hurts, it always hurts and it won't stop hurting till we stop.
I hope this helps.
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Siamese Rescue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 144
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #5 on:
October 04, 2013, 05:17:59 AM »
Yes, it does help. I appreciate your examples. I've had enough experiences with this guy to know it's not going to ever get better. I just liked the good parts of him so much that I was willing to sacrifice just about everything and anything.
You're correct, it's an awful place to be because he is so convincing.
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Accepting
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 122
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #6 on:
October 04, 2013, 05:31:01 AM »
This is why we are here. Something led us to asking questions and seeking answers cos it doesn't make sense going through these cycles and being so hurt yet still going back for more. It's because, unlike someone who is simply using you or being a 'player' as such, the highs when with them are so incredible and the closeness is next to none. But the reality is that we pay for the intensely good moments with so much pain in our hearts and minds. I thought that I could deal with the hurt caused and the silent treatments just to get the good bits, the amazing bits. But I can't. It's too sad continually thinking 'what if it all turns okay one day?" After many, many attempts it is just the same as it always has been - only the cycle happens faster now. The trigger towards silence that he feels when we get emotionally very close happens immediately.
So, once you've reached a place where you can't take any more then you might be able to put yourself first. It's hard and it takes a while. I'm hoping I'm finally there. I don't love him any less, I'm just trying to accept the reality of it all.
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123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #7 on:
October 04, 2013, 07:07:19 AM »
Hi Siamese Rescue
Any chance you could be addicted to drama?
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Siamese Rescue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 144
Re: FEELS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MOVE ON OR LET GO
«
Reply #8 on:
October 04, 2013, 07:54:46 AM »
I wondered that, but I was actually happiest when he and I enjoyed a few limited stretches of peace or at least a consistent schedule. He is intriguing enough when he is behaving as normal as he behaves... .and that was when I seemed happy. So, I believe my goal was to wait for him to be "regulated" which I now know will likely never happen. I did wonder if I wanted drama. I keep going back to the good part of him, and it's the drama with this other woman that is painful.
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