I've been advised that this post is better suited here...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

Yes, I'm still thinking about my ex  :'(    I'm trying so hard to let go.

There's a part of me that wants to wish her love and best wishes in her new relationship. But because of the way we broke up without proper closure, another part of me wishes that the relationship will fail.

The important thing is this - whilst we were together, I lavished attention, praise and gifts on her. I was forever telling her how wonderful and special she was. The rescuer in me returned after our many splits, and I continued to shower her with the above praise, etc. But the one thing that I was never able to do for her was drive her around to events, concerts, meals out in the city, etc. We always used public transport, and if it was raining or otherwise inclement weather, she wasn't at all happy. Basically, she doesn't like walking anywhere if there's an alternative like a car or taxi.

So, her new love arrives (by chance they met whilst she was out canvassing), offers her money for her research and, crucially, has a car.

Ding! Instant attraction.

I play out scenarios in my head where they are all loved-up, and she's nice and warm in a car with 'him' only too happy to ferry her here and there and go places that would have been difficult (if not impossible) whilst she was with me.

Now, on to the point of this rant, and to why I think it maybe an odd question to ask:

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

I must stress the importance of a man in her life with a car - to her, that would be soo good!

Or because of her condition, would it matter if she was being kept by a millionaire who drove a gold-plated rolls-royce - is the outcome still the same with him as it was with me? (and that's the part of me that wishes the relationship to fail) 

Thank you

[houseofswans]

Hello,

Yes, I'm still thinking about my ex  :'(    I'm trying so hard to let go.

There's a part of me that wants to wish her love and best wishes in her new relationship. But because of the way we broke up without proper closure, another part of me wishes that the relationship will fail.

The important thing is this - whilst we were together, I lavished attention, praise and gifts on her. I was forever telling her how wonderful and special she was. The rescuer in me returned after our many splits, and I continued to shower her with the above praise, etc. But the one thing that I was never able to do for her was drive her around to events, concerts, meals out in the city, etc. We always used public transport, and if it was raining or otherwise inclement weather, she wasn't at all happy. Basically, she doesn't like walking anywhere if there's an alternative like a car or taxi.

So, her new love arrives (by chance they met whilst she was out canvassing), offers her money for her research and, crucially, has a car.

Ding! Instant attraction.

I play out scenarios in my head where they are all loved-up, and she's nice and warm in a car with 'him' only too happy to ferry her here and there and go places that would have been difficult (if not impossible) whilst she was with me.

Now, on to the point of this rant, and to why I think it maybe an odd question to ask:

Could her BPD be restrained in some way, by acting differently to him as she did to me - almost 'forcing' herself to keep in his good books?

I must stress the importance of a man in her life with a car - to her, that would be soo good!

Or because of her condition, would it matter if she was being kept by a millionaire who drove a gold-plated rolls-royce - is the outcome still the same with him as it was with me? (and that's the part of me that wishes the relationship to fail) 

Thank you

[CatBlack]

If she's a pwBPD then she's probably still idealizing him - she could very well be thinking how perfectly wonderful and magical it is that her new guy has a car. She'll be acting differently with him because it's a new situation and she'll be idealizing and mirroring and doing whatever she can to be what she thinks he wants. I remember overhearing my guy on the phone with the other woman and thinking "who is that?" because he sounded nothing at all like the man I knew - he was putting on a new mask for a new person. They don't know how to be themselves, so if she's behaving differently around Car Guy, it's because that's how they operate with everyone.

[CatBlack]

Adding on to that: do you think it would have made a difference in how your relationship turned out if you had been the Man With The Car?

[peas]

I ask myself the same question about my uBPDexbf, but substitute car for locality. I had to move across the state for a job and he never let me forget it. I worried to no end that he would find another woman attractive simply because she lived nearby and I couldn't give him that, despite me visiting him nearly every weekend.

Really though, if they loved us with healthy, good love, it wouldn't matter if I was a couple hundred miles away or if you didn't have a car. When you love someone you accept them for who they are and their circumstances and work with it. If my guy, who broke up with me, wanted me to remain in his life he would have followed through on his promises about future living arrangements and he would not have guilt-tripped me all the time about moving. If you were meant to be with your ex, you not having a car shouldn't be a problem.   

[houseofswans]

Yes, of course! - your posts begin to make me see the reality of "man & car", either him or me... . 

[houseofswans]

Adding on to that: do you think it would have made a difference in how your relationship turned out if you had been the Man With The Car?

I see what you mean. No, of course it wouldn't have! 

[Siamese Rescue]

I find myself asking that question about my ex. He's always aligning himself with the deal of the day. Until a better deal comes along.

[momtara]

oh, it may last longer, but not forever.  i gave my hubby everything he wanted and needed, and ultimately things still fell apart.

[SweetCharlotte]

If you had the auto and other material perks to offer, maybe she would have idealized you until she had secured some kind of permanent commitment, but eventually the devaluation would have begun. From what I've seen on these boards, women wBPD can stay in the idealization phase if they decide they want a man to commit. After they get the commitment, the old emptiness comes back and the negative behaviors take over (blaming, projection, dissociation, etc.).

Material stuff can make them feel better about themselves for a finite period.

[houseofswans]

Thanks to all 

[hopealways]

Today it is the car that she wants and tomorrow it will be something else. The BPD is like a bottomless pit, they just take take take and you can never truly please them.  Once she has left the idealization phase with this new victim she will start treating him poorly, start hating him, and the cycle will continue.