I get stuck in the prescence of my BPD spouse

[Dancing1]

Hi,

Does anyone get stuck as if in a glue trap , unable to move along in their day when their BPD other is sitting there taking up all the air in the room?

I can't seem to breathe and do the things I need to , wondering if I'll be interrupted , or raged at , or have a demand made of me... And I just sit and wait for him to leave so I can function. Does anyone else feel that way?

Its awful ... .

[Inside]

Dancing1,

…I do.  When I’m away from my uBPDgf I seem to ‘see her’ for what she is (especially when reading and researching around here).  When I’m around her, I instantly fall back into the trap…  It truly is like walking on eggshells.  ‘I can’t say this’… or ‘that,’ or do something ‘the wrong way.’  And as you mention, as much as I want to be around her - it’s always ... make that ALWAYS a relief when she’s gone!

As often as I sincerely feel ‘nobody else’ could match her... insight and intensity … I also imagine how relaxing it would/ could/ should be around just such a ‘normal’ person…  It’s like we pay a premium price for a wild ride, when maybe the ride we really want is a lot less costly

[Inside]

Hey, reading around, I just found this: “The good times can feel like the calm before the storm. It really can mess with you head.”  … “Right now I am trying to work on keeping it good.” (Cipher13)

Doesn’t that prettymuch describe where the oxygen’s at ... .inside us as we hold our breath so as not to make any ‘mistakes’ ... .while waiting for the next shoe to drop…?  It’s constantly trying to keep it good that drains us … as they’re constantly ready to explode

…Deep breaths over here…  as the good times seem to be dwindling (after two and a half years of my BPD relationship) and I spend my valuable time reading around here for the answers when we’re apart …and the vast majority of advice and experience is negative…  …I feel your pain ~

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw wishes to be the center of the attention, seeing that she feels that her life is worth more than mine. If she talks, I am expected to listen. If I talk, she may hear something, but otherwise, she will just continue talking. It's like an expression I heard a long time ago: "Stop talking while I am interrupting." BPDs are selfish with very little room for another person. I am reminded about one time when I was out of town. I arrived at an airport. I called her to say that I arrived safely. She then shared how angry she was about something. I felt like she was choking me.

[bluebell7]

Wow, I really appreciate the way you are describing this.  For so long i've thought there was something wrong with me.  Really!  This is something I've been trying to change for a long time.  But what can we do about it?  For me it's a child though, not a spouse.  And it's also been a pattern from my childhood, then repeated in my unhappy marriage, I've had the same reaction with other important yet stressfilled people in my life.  Progress just seems too slow to me.

[Inside]

“But what can we do about it?”

Bluebell7,

I think BPD’s beyond us, as it’s likely beyond those experiencing it.  For them, it’s like coming to doubt everything they feel, with the only evidence there’s something wrong being how messed-up their lives are in comparison to the bulk of society.  Of course most will blame that on others, leaving only a handful to look within... . 

We often appear to be standing back, holding our breath ... .while hoping ‘ours’ are one of the few who’ll recognize their condition and posses enough strength and trust to escape it.

I suspect, since they’ve learned they can’t trust their judgment - how can they trust anyone else’s?  Seems family would be equally difficult, whereas pwBPD so often disconnect with family, especially if it means ‘admitting’ a weakness they’ve spent their lives attempting to hide. 

I just stand back… expecting less...   I’m there if my uBPDgf wants me (as opposed to ‘needs me,’ she always needs) - and away when she doesn’t.  If progress on her part brings her closer, great.  If not, it seems only a matter of time before I meet a less troubled potential mate …and move on. 

BPD obviously takes them down; our only question should be - how far we descend with them

[Dancing1]

I feel that way too ... ." how far can we go with them?

In my case I am most concerned for my son. But I know that I have clearly been damaged by this relationship .Until a dr that knew me before this marriage recently saw me and said " what happened to you ?... " I didnt even realise that I was living in his reality, in his prison, and that I had lost faith in myself , reality and was drowning in his vortex!

Mine is an extremely tough situation because It's a second marriage, I took on on son , and shortly after being abused emotionally by him found out in addition to his learning difficulties ( that were not addressed till I came into the picture ... .) that he was emotionally unwell , and that I was the object of his anger and aggression.You see I was told his mother , my husbands ex wife - ran away and abandoned him.I no longer believe that. I believe that she ran -( asked for a divorce)   to save herself and her life , and my h mounted a smear campaign, had her declared narcissistic personality disorder ( ironic eh)

And won custody and then just left his kid to sit around and do nothing.

I came in -- to the rescue ( ha ) with my own son from a prior marriage - and then had another one with my h a yr later.

So I not only have fear of my immediate life , but the what ifs if I decided to leave.

After spending 12 hrs raising my step son - never having met his mom to this day , and there was nothing I didn't do for him ( more than for my own two) and he hates me , and rallies his dad, my h against me in a very sneaky manipulative way.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was BPD also , and my mother in law who fought against me for years ( who ironically my husband calls BPD) . She was thrilled that her daughter in law left her grandson for her to infantalise  and destroy.

[bluebell7]

So there's the stuck I feel while I'm learning to get past this stuff-  Then there was the stuck I was when I was in the unhealthy relationship... .

Sorry this is a long reply but I have decided "how long to go" in three different types of relationships.  Recently I've been asked a different question-  "Are you in for the long haul?"  I can give you the context for this, then tell you my answer.  I am sorry that you are in this painful position.  It is so hard to know what the right answer is and I think everyone needs to make the choice that's right for them.

My X mother in law's cruelty caused havoc in the family, but her irrational accusations caused me a great deal of self doubt and shame.  This started unexpectedly after 5 years of marriage.  The questions I kept asking myself was what did I do wrong- how can I fix it- why aren't I good enough?.  Her cruelty was outrageous and she broadcast her accusations to the extended family.  My reaction was to keep the kids away from her, then later to stay away from family gatherings.  It was sad and I was wracked with guilt.

I stayed with my X husband for a total of 17 years. At ten years I knew I wasn't happy in the marriage, but wanted to stay with him and I thought we could work it out.  Unfortunately -the more I tried to be closer to him and find compromises, the more distant he was.  Then the anger started, toward me and the kids- then violence and never remorse.  At 15 years of marriage, the questions I asked myself- how can I love someone who doesn't love my (his) children?  This appears to be an emotional illness- How could I leave him because of an illness?  The next two years were very rough.  He did not want treatment for his issues and said that he was happy the way he was.  After trying/failing counseling, one restraining order, more counseling- I divorced him and moved 500 miles to be with family.  He agreed to that because he wanted the house and couldn't wait for us to leave.  The kids were relieved and happy that we were divorced.

My D's have had a very hard time.  They tell me that the best thing I did was to get them away from their father.  My youngest has the same behaviors and thinking as my X and his mother.  By working with my own T, I'm learning that my D has undiagnosed BPD.  Now I think my X and his Mother are also.  To think of all the time I spent trying to figure out what I did wrong!  Blaming myself for so so much!

It was my therapist who asked "Are you in for the Long Haul?"  My answer was- I am not in for a continuation of this chaos and anger.  I want to be a healthy positive person in my D's life.  I will not abandon her. - I am interested in learning the strategies that will help her and our relationship.  She doesn't know that she has BPD, but the strategies are helping a lot, and I think the more her sisters and I support her, the more hope she has for recovery.  She wants to be in therapy because she wants to do better.  Her therapist is helping her even though she's treating her for anxiety/depression.

So this how it seems to me... .everyone is different... .It took me a long time to learn what healthy relationships are like.  To work through my issues with shame and sadness, oh and anxiety.  I need to be happy and that means I have to make decisions to make that happen. 

I had the strength to walk away from my X and his mother because I had carried out my duties to them.  I didn't owe them anything.  They made their decisions - which I found to be toxic.  I made great efforts to work thinks out with them, and that actually made everything worse.  I was not in for the long haul with that.  These were difficult decisions that I did not take easily and I felt terribly doing it, but I had to turn away from them.  Thinking about the future was scary, but I had faith that there had to be a better life, even if it meant changing my lifestyle and giving up the life I had worked to create.

I have a duty to my children.  I have to deal with my guilt for the home situations that contributed to my D's BPD, but she's an adult and I can only do my part- then accept her decisions.  There's a line I've drawn as far as her behaviors can go.  I have to learn to be mindful- not on automatic pilot- be aware - because what's happening is usually not what it appears to be.  But that's OK because it's the reality of this condition.

Sometimes I still feel confused and like I'm in the dark--but when if I can find the right question, I can find the right answer.  It takes courage and strength to face painful realities, but we can decide the be brave and strong.  Finding hope and a support system can be difficult, but I think that's why we're on this site!  To support each other!