OUR Poor Self-Esteem as Break-Up Cause

[bb12]

I was thinking this morning - now that I am healthier - about how much my own low self-worth played a part in the ugliness of the break-up.

I feel that my inability to value myself and my exBPD's inability to communicate were the double-whammy that made the ending so ugly.

I can see the good things about myself now that I couldn't see back then. And I firmly believed my ex knew he was onto a winner and pulled away to control his sense of an inevitable abandonment. When he pulled away, I chased... .the less he gave, the more I did... .to restore things to how they were. It is only now... .some 20 months later... .that I realise he may have pulled away as a pre-emptive move to control his own pain and that it was not necessarily that I had done something wrong, was broken, unworthy etc.

Just a thought... .

So, how much did your low sense of self-worth contribute to the ugliness of the ending?

BB12

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm with you BB, that could have been my story.  As she pulled away, for her own reasons, of course I thought it was me, something I'd done, something I hadn't done, who knows, but definitely my fault, which is a place I'm very familiar with, having low self esteem at times throughout life, and it was at it's lowest hanging out with her during the devaluation.  And I agree, her version of herself was such that she didn't feel capable of holding up her side of the relationship, and I would therefore leave, so she left first, emotionally.  And of course, with that loaded bond and dysfunction on both our parts, nothing was getting discussed and worked through at the time, the end was ugly, and it only became clear what really went on later.

[bb12]

Hey fromheelheal,

Amazing to see your own part in it more clearly, isn't it?

My low self-worth and trust issues might have been the cause of my exBPD pulling away. Not letting him off the hook completely, because some of his behaviour was pretty cruel. But I had no real handle on only being able to control myself and not others. I am fairly sure I did some things to get a reaction and not from a pure place. Add to the mix their passivity and inability to communicate on a deeper level and it's a loaded game of emotional ping pong where issues compound and no-one is talking in constructive ways to repair the r/ship.

Now that my self-esteem is functioning... .perhaps for the first time in my life... .due to all the work I have done on myself, I can see the entire thing from a fresh perspective. And further back still, other friendships and r/ships where my own negative self-beliefs contributed to the resentment and chaos.

Bb12

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it was a loaded game and I was a major player.  She's got the disorder but my side of the street was far from clean too.

And further back still, other friendships and r/ships where my own negative self-beliefs contributed to the resentment and chaos.

Absolutely.  It's been over a year for me, and I pretty much never think about her anymore, but the whole thing had a snowball effect, and many other situations with other people have come up where my own poor self worth was glaring, and I ended up with resentments.  Those resentments have fueled the work I've done and am doing on myself, I'm proud to say I'm not making the same mistakes moving forward, and meditation has helped a lot with lingering stuff from the past.  I'm at the point where I consider the BPD relationship a blessing, lessons I needed to learn, better late than never.

[bb12]

I'm at the point where I consider the BPD relationship a blessing, lessons I needed to learn, better late than never.

Agreed... .and that is the closure we never got from them!

When you find the lesson and begin to look at the whole experience with gratitude, we get a bigger sense of closure.

We are saved from a future full of the same fractious relationships and must be very thankful for that.

BB12

[nolisan]

"The whole is greater than the sum of the parts"

Aristotle

[bb12]

Indeed nolisan

There's a thing call Gestault theory that explains it we'll

We spend ages in trauma examining the minutea but when we can see the whole thing with a greater sense of purpose, meaning and perspective we find personal freedom

Bb12

[Lucky Jim]

Hi bb,

Doubtless our low self-esteem makes some of us Nons quite susceptible to the lure of a pwBPD.  Yet it sounds to me like you are searching for a reason to blame yourself for the break-up, which I find unproductive.  In my view, the reality of BPD is that it is an extremely complex disorder from which only the rare few relationships can survive over the long haul. Don't beat yourself up!  Move on and be grateful that you are out of a BPD r/s.

Lucky Jim

[bb12]

Thanks Lucky Jim