BPD daughter being very mean

[mary93]

Hello,(I have posted prior here, but figure I have questions, so started a new topic?) My BPD daughter is being very mean. I believe she has tried to cause me financial grief by making some phone calls (I will find out tomorrow if it was her) I live in a subsidized apt and she moved some of her clothes out out 3 weeks ago and suddenly they are aware and my daughter knew this was my greatest fear. Her girlfriend is also BPD (lives 500 miles away, so a long distance relationship, basically done by skyping, they have seen each other only twice) so it could also be the gf or a combination of the two (its not the neighbors that's for sure)? My daughter has not spoken to me for over a week now and wont answer any texts either on the cell phone I pay for. She is purpose (as she is in her dads house with wifi) not using the wifi on the cell phone and doing facetime and going over the limit and also causing the bill to go up (her dad has covered the extra $). Its like she is out to get me for some reason. I did question the GF when my daughter attempted suicide last weekend as the GF waited 8 hrs before telling anyone that my daughter has taken a bunch of pills. As soon as my daughter got in contact with the GF that was it, no more communicating with me. Has anyone ever heard of this, I gave her everything as a child all my time, energy and $, and now its like she is trying to destroy me, is this common behavior for BPD and if so why do they do it? Also does BPD get much worse when entering in a relationship as I have noticed my daughter has done a 180 since hooking up with this girl? She has dropped out of university, lost her job everything, all she has left is a long distance relationship with another BPD and skyping, nothing else!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mary93]

I also forgot to mention, every-time I just start to get myself together from all this, its like she is deliberately trying to knock me back down. Could she have a deep rooted hatred towards me for some unknown reason?

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mary,

I found the cruel words my daughter would spew towards me the most difficult to cope with.  Our BPD kids really need us to have strong boundaries to know where to stop with us.

I'm not sure I understand the housing concerns you have.  Is it a requirement for your d to be living in the apt. for you to continue to stay or pay a lower amount?

[mary93]

Yup the housing is subsidized according to my income etc. I have a room for her here, which is hers, which has always been hers, but if she doesn't live here I will have to move eventually. I will have to tell them her whole story and I guess they will allow me for some time to stay as she could be back next week or she could never be back. I don't feel like I can physically undertake a move now as I am pretty exhausted mentally and physically. I need certain info from her and she will not answer or supply anything, yet half of her things are still here? I don't think I can handle this forever, although selfishly, I have to admit I am getting some peace and quite from all she brought around as this has been going on for a very long time I just didn't have a name for it (it has gotten much worse since she is involved with her current gf and her issues that's for sure,). I don't know why she wont speak or answer me by text, that is kind of strange to me and is something very new to her behavior, as she has never done this before. Could the person in her life be telling her to not communicate with me, that's possible. I also suspect that my daughter is saying bad things about me as I have heard that BPD some of them do this? I don't understand certain parts of this disorder, how can you "trash" someone, ignore someone, and treat someone very badly and come back from that, what do they do and say "Hi what are you doing today?" Also no therapy is not an encouraging thing as nothing will change until she gets into therapy, for now her number one priority is her gf, she wont eat properly, wont bathe often etc as has no time has to be glued to cell phone and computer 24/7 constantly, she is so dependent it is actually quite sad. I'm at my wits end with this and not doing to well either as it is eating away at me. I am trying hard to stay afloat but it is a daily struggle even with all the therapy and reading I am doing, also she is my only child.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Mary,

Thanks for the information regarding the housing situation.  I think I understand.

Have you looked at Lesson 1 in the side bar?  Watching the videos and reading the information can help you gain some insight into her behaviors.  Once we, as parents, gain that insight then we can begin to learn how to respond to those troubling behaviors and have a better relationship with our kids.

We are 50% of our relationship with our child.  If our 50% changes then the relationship changes too!

We are here to help you gain that insight by answering questions and sharing our experiences with you on what works for us and our child.

After reading the Lesson we can talk more about your situation and offer advice on what to do from here.

lbjnltx

[mary93]

Thanks ever so much lbjnltx, going to look at lesson one right now.

[mary93]

well my daughter finally contacted me today. She was very nice and friendly. She wants to come over for dinner next week and watch tv together so I said yes. I am looking forward to it, but because I have become very educated on the disorder and if she changes her mind etc, as anything can happen between now and Tuesday, I will not take it personally, as it is the BPD. One minute at a time I guess (as can't really say one day at a time, as it can change often in one day). I am so happy that I am going to therapy, reading and going on forums such as this one, as I am more equipped to deal with this, as otherwise don't know what would have became of me. After hearing from her (it was actually quite a surprised as I was definitely not expecting it) I am dead tired, feel like I have been run over by a truck.

[jellibeans]

Mary

I am glad you are educating yourself about this disorder. The more you know the better things will be. I would like to suggest overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder by Valerie Porr... .an excellent book... I want to also suggest you take some time for yourself... .take care of yourself... .it is important you do that for yourself and your daughter... .

[mary93]

thanks jellibeans I have been meaning to order that book on amazon as not available in bookstores here. A psychiatrist friend of mine who specializes in BPD highly recommended it. Taking care of ones self, that's the harder part, but I am seriously working on it that's for sure. I guess it wuill come soon, perhaps all this was new to me as only been about 1 month max since that diagnoses, had years of "behavior" but like many other parents didn't know was going on. Now that I have the "whole story" perhaps I can start doing things for myself and not feel so guilty like I was abandoning my child.

[lbjnltx]

Wonderful news mary!

I hope that you can relax more and enjoy some peaceful alone moments.

I hope that you can enjoy your daughter's company and use this date to begin to build a foundation of understanding, empathy, compassion and trust for your relationship with her.

lbjnltx

[peaceplease]

Mary,


I am glad that your dd contact you.  And, you are so right, how things can change in an instant.  I am glad that you are in therapy for yourself.   It really does help when you have someone that is knowledgeable about BPD.

Yes, those mean words are not to be taken personally.  I have to remind myself of that a lot. 

I hope that you and your dd have an enjoyable dinner. 

peaceplease

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[autumnfall]

Hi Mary, I felt compelled to respond even though this is a couple weeks old,  - I have an 18 yr d lives with me but currently involved in a long distance relationship (we are in IL, her gf is in NC) via skype.  Awhile back shee asked if her friend could visit for a weekend.  I okayed it as Id reatheer her long distance friends come here then she go meet them.  Next thing I know, her gf is 22 homeless and living with acquatinces for past year.   and has been and looking for a new start.  D begging me to let her live with us (that would be me, my 4 adult size teenagers in a smaill 3 bedroom house).  I said NO but agreed to the weekend visit as long as shee had plans to get back to NC.  Rcently I (well, lets rephrase... .this MORNING) I told her no, I would not all0w her friend to stay[ here at all.  She has been very MEAN, selfish, rude and secretive ever since the relationship tarted only a couple months ago.  As this was continued to be observed, that's when I said no, II'm going with my gut.  I'm not comfortable with it, and not allowing my d drama to come into our home to impact me and her younger 3 siblings.   Its so frusturating.  I AM doin my best though  to not allow her anger to get to me personally, and hold to my limits.   But definitely her shift to seecretive and manipulative mean behaviour happened in conjunction with the long distance relationship.  I know this too shall pass... .best of luck to you! 

[mary93]

Thanks autumnfall . My daughter is now visiting her gf for 2 weeks at the gf place (6oo miles away). How convenient that she is no longer in school or has a job, as these visits would not be able to be happening. It really has me wondering about alot of things. I am still pursuing therapy and my daughter is still waiting on the DBT therapy (or so she says, as I have to wonder about that also, as if she was in DBT therapy I doubt she would be able to pick up and leave like that for 1-2 weeks, so I am wondering if they have contacted her or not, as she she is an adult I cannot find out  She is in a calm phase now, but I expect when she comes back from her visit that it will get out of hand again. Her dad is doing exactly the opposite of what he should be doing, he is spoiling her rotten with $$ and gifts, so she has no reason to become a functional member of society anymore. I have been told to speak to him about this, which I will, but I am not optimistic about anything that concerns him, as in his mind $$ fixes everything, which with a BPD makes it much worse  Its really starting to aggravate me that I am running all over for all sorts of therapy and reading everything under the sun, but that my DD is not doing much and the dad, well he is just making things worse.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mary,

It can be very frustrating to put forth so much effort and see others acting in ways that are counter productive.  We can only control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions... .that's the bottom line.  It is up to us to decide how much we want to invest and to choose our attitude about our efforts.

When you were reading the Lessons did you find this information helpful?:

PERSPECTIVES: The dysfunctional dance-self inflicted wounds

"we are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on."

How can you move past other's actions and make decisions about your own efforts and let go of the resentment?

We are here to help you figure this out when you are ready.

lbjnltx