One Month Rebound Relationship with BPD... Opinions, Advice, Help

[LA4610]

Hi Everyone,

I originally posted on the New Member Forum and was advised to post my story on here. I am going to copy and paste my original message, the admins post, and my response. Any opinions, advice, or help is greatly appreciated. This whole thing has been a nightmare.

Original Message

Hi,

I meet a person at work who seemed very sweet and innocent. We exchanged #'s and made plans to get together. She and I both were coming out of relationships. Everything was great at first and then she flipped. Our "relationship" ended last weekend (1 month) when she called the cops on me over a simple argument via text message. She threatened my career and told me not to talk to her at work, text her or come to her house. I haven't done any of those things. So... .

I showed her text messages and told her "story" to a psychologist friend and she right away said BPD. Upon researching it and without getting into all of the details, I am certain this girl has this horrible disorder. She has created chaos in my very easy and normal life. I have not contacted her over the past week, but I constantly think about her. It is so bizarre. She contacted me friday and I did not respond. I want absolutely nothing to do with this girl, but I fear that since I work with her this whole mess isn't over. She literally scares the hell out of me. It makes no sense that she would try contacting me on friday and I fear this is not over. I don't even know what I am looking for by posting this. Maybe some comfort, maybe some advice. All I know is my life was fine and still is semi-fine, but this whole experience is like nothing I have ever seen.

[LA4610]

Response

Hello LA4610,


What you describe does sound scary - considering the fact that you work in the same place. It is good that you have a psychologis friend. You might need some professional advice in the future to navigate the work situation safely. Persons with BPD have been known to start very unpleasant smear campaigns... .

It is also not uncommon for a person w/BPD to contact their ex after a break-up and try to re-kindle the relationship. There are lots of great resources on this website, that might help you understand what happened and understand your exgirlfriend's behaviors better and help you to protect yourself better.

These two might be good to start with:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

I am glad that you have found us. We are here to support you. Welcome again, and keep posting!

[LA4610]

My Response

Thank you for the reply. I found the first article very helpful.

You mentioned BPDs trying to reconnect with their ex's. This is my main concern. I will share part of my story with you and would like your opinion and advice... .

So, we split up last wkn. Long story short, she locked herself in a room during a party for like 4 hours. I played it cool. When I wanted to leave I told her and asked her if anything was wrong. She went nuts. I told her she needed help and left. We then argued back and forth via text (my mistake, i was pissed) and she called the cops, who did nothing. She texted me the next day: 

1. do not approach me at work. i have nothing to say to you. be smart. you don't want your career to end before it starts

2. i feel the need to say do not come to my house. you are not welcome here.do not come

3. do not contact me in any way. pretend like you never knew me

I was so insulted. As if I would do something like that. My psychologist friend says that when she says these things she actually WANTS me to do them. I have and will not. This is what is so scary. I am ignoring her and it seems to be irritating her. She texted me friday "can you bring xyz (very petty items) that i left at your place to work tuesday?". I did not and will not respond. Why would someone who has told me not to contact her contact me over some petty nonsense? It is crazy. I have a very bad feeling that this isn't over. Honestly, part of me doesn't want it to be. I have never done addictive drugs but I imagine they are like this. Still, my sane head is prevailing in all this I am dead set of getting this girl out my life.

Opinions? Advice?

Thanks

[patientandclear]

When my uBPDexbf first left me, his words indicated he was pretty darn sure he wanted to end things.  I took him at his word.  It tore me up something awful, but I accepted his decision after a couple of weeks of asking What the heck? why can't we work on this?

Two months later we had a conversation about maybe getting back together, and I learned that he had been wondering all along why I didn't ask to get together to talk.  He said he didn't have any of my stuff to return to me so he didn't know how to initiate getting together (! how about asking to talk? but no, that would have felt too risky to him -- pwBPD have enormous rejection fears).  In the meantime, he had sent me what felt like a really cruddy email asking ME to return the parking pass for his neighhorhood that he'd given me the first day I spent with him, "so I know you'll come back."  Point is, he was hoping we WOULD reconnect, wasn't able to say so directly, was using very odd strategies to try to make that happen, with no regard for how I would actually perceive his communication (I found asking for the parking pass back to be really hurtful, but also weird -- it was as if I had broken up with him and he was being bitter and petty and retaliatory, like "if you want to be apart, fine, but then give me my parking pass back".

So ... .I think your T's view that she may want you to do all the things she asked you not to is quite reasonable.

Now.  Understanding that, do you realize what a mess this woman is, and what a mind-twisting proposition it would/will be to continue to be close to her?

[LA4610]

Thanks for the response.

I absolutely understand how twisted this girl is. I want nothing to do with her and will not entertain her non-sense. With that being said, I can not deny that part of me actually misses the rush of being with her. It is almost like being on drugs (even though I have never done drugs I am assuming this is a very similar feeling). I am struggling with:

1. the lack of closure which i probably will never get

2. the fact that she can and will do this to someone else

3. the horrible feeling i have in my gut that this isn't over.

4. my constant ruminating on this whole mess and inability to sleep

Another aspect of this is she has a 3 yr old (from a divorced marriage) who she introduced me too and we spent alot of time together. I have never dated someone with a child much less a BPD with one. It is tough. I am a stable person and time will heal. This I am sure of. It is still very very hard.

[grad]

if you value your job, don't let this r/s progress any further than it has.  be cordial and professional at work and keep it at that.

there's no point in trying to figure out the how and why of why she flipped out, and the fact that she threatened law enforcement means it's only going to get worse the more you involve yourself with her.

pwBPD take a lot of patience, love, and understanding... .along with therapy/maturity to overcome their illness

[LA4610]

what about just ignoring her? do you think that will make the situation die down or make it worse?

My fear is that she wants my attention and since I am not giving it to her she will figure out a way to get it. I want to ignore her. Just looking at her sends chills down by body.

[Whatwasthat]

Some of the advice in this article is relevant

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Clearly this is not precisely your situation but the overall recommendation to 'become boring' is one that would work well for you I think. The idea is - no matter what your own feelings are - to detach in a non-dramatic way that is less likely to cause emotional upset and problems. The less  interesting you are the smoother it will be.  Just going silent may not be the best way to achieve this.

I think it's doubly important that you do all you can to 'defuse' the situation given the potential threat to your professional situation.

If you don't already have a T - and it's possible for you to get one - please do so. It will be time and money well spent at a critical point. They could provide the kind of guidance in this situation that will save you a great deal of damage - both personally and professionally. This will allow you to carry out the conflicting and contradictory work of processing an emotionally confusing and toxic experience and yet remaining cool and clear headed enough to extricate yourself without risking your livelihood.

And of course keep using this board - which is exceptionally helpful.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[Somewhere]

Might want to tip off CPS and/or the baby daddy that mommy is CRAZY.

Kids, FIRST.

[LA4610]

CPS? I actually thought about writing her mom a brief email. She is always fighting with her Mom and her Mom is concerned about the child. That is one thing I struggle with... .how can I live with myself if this women does this to someone else. Also, it will prob be much worse. She was pushing me to have unprotected sex and finish inside her. The next guy might not be so smart.

On another note, she is leaving me alone right now which is good. When I had a friendly conversation with a few co-workers she got an evil look on her face and left for about an hour. I am pretty sure she went outside to cry as she is good for that. oh well

THANKS FOR THE REPLIES YALL

[babyducks]

Hi LA4610,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this unpleasant situation.  You are doing a great thing by coming here and learning about what you are dealing with.

People who have the traits of BPD are high conflict people who suffer from harmfully intense emotions.

They are people without braking mechanisms.

You can get through this.   My suggestion is be very careful you don't J.A.D.E.   Don't  Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Some one else on this site wrote this to me a while ago when I asked a similar question:  With the Push/Pull behavior She is attempting to get you to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself.  This gives her the control of the conversation. Its an manipulation technique to re engage you without taking responsibility for herself.  If you must answer a simple answer will do, don't volunteer additional information.

If you want to let go, realize that they are emotional children.  They cant give you what you need because they are not capable.  All the crazy making is their incomplete defense system trying to keep them regulated.  They are boiling over with pain, and the only way to relieve it is to dump it on you.

If she has BPD she is looking for someone to empty her emotions on to.  She is boiling over with pain, guilt, shame and she cant soothe herself. She is seeking comfort and soothing.  She needs a way to stabilize herself.  She does that through other people.  It is for HER and about HER, not you.

She doesn't mean to be like this.  Its the way that she learned to survive.  You are an object.  Maybe even her favorite object, but your needs, desires, wants are not really important to her. 

She isn't a bad person she is a sick person.

I would suggest you save the text messages in case you ever need to use them as evidence. Try for cordial but disinterested.   Avoid participating in the drama. 

And hang in there.   You will get through this.

babyducks

[pessim-optimist]

what about just ignoring her? do you think that will make the situation die down or make it worse?

My fear is that she wants my attention and since I am not giving it to her she will figure out a way to get it. I want to ignore her. Just looking at her sends chills down by body.

I agree with WWT - ignoring may make things worse as they need attention and if you won't give it in one way, they will push in unhealthy ways to get it and create drama. So the best solution is to give some and difuse the situation. Becoming boring is probably a very smart way to do so... .

[Chapboy]

Here is my advice, especially in your situation.

Avoid her. Do not contact her. Do not respond to her. Keep anything and everything you have as evidence you aren't/didn't do what she claims. If you truly believe she has BPD and you've had this experience with her 1 month in, consider yourself lucky and move on. I understand you want/need closure, but you've found it; BPD is the closure.

I can't say it any more clearly, run for the hills and consider yourself lucky this came out now as opposed to another month, year, or longer... .

[LA4610]

She has BPD no doubt. A therapist and psychiatrist both confirmed.

Her crazy past relationships: a boyfriend who turned into a cocaine addict, a fiance who cheated on her, a man (who got her pregnant early on and then married her right after) who physically and verbally abused her, an ex boyfriend who constantly broke up with her and verbally abused her, being cheated on by every boyfriend she has ever had etc etcr. She also has the very emotionally charged story about being attacked in her sleep by a random man who broke into her house. He broke her down and then left as opposed to raping her. No one in her family knows if this is true.  ALL OF THESE CRAZY RELATIONSHIPS AND SHE IS ONLY 28!

She also attempted suicide 3 moths ago. Who knows if it was legit or a ploy to get attention. She is very attractive, smart, and well spoken. She came on really really strong and the first time I did something she didn't like she turned into a completely different person. As I said before, she was pushing for me to finish inside her during sex after the 1st time. The list goes on and on.

She is leaving me alone for now. Hopefully it stays that way. God help the next man she gets a hold of. It really is a shame people like this exist and family members do not intervene to get them help.

[Century2012]

They are out of control with their lives. So I think they lash out to try to gain control of you.

My exBPD rebounded with a woman who lost complete custody of her children because she went to prison on drug charges.

She texted me her whole life story. And he got mad at me and raged something about a restraining order.

For gosh sakes, they are the ones contacting me. I blocked their phone numbers, but they still text.

[Chapboy]

She has BPD no doubt. A therapist and psychiatrist both confirmed.

Her crazy past relationships: a boyfriend who turned into a cocaine addict, a fiance who cheated on her, a man (who got her pregnant early on and then married her right after) who physically and verbally abused her, an ex boyfriend who constantly broke up with her and verbally abused her, being cheated on by every boyfriend she has ever had etc etcr. She also has the very emotionally charged story about being attacked in her sleep by a random man who broke into her house. He broke her down and then left as opposed to raping her. No one in her family knows if this is true.  ALL OF THESE CRAZY RELATIONSHIPS AND SHE IS ONLY 28!

She also attempted suicide 3 moths ago. Who knows if it was legit or a ploy to get attention. She is very attractive, smart, and well spoken. She came on really really strong and the first time I did something she didn't like she turned into a completely different person. As I said before, she was pushing for me to finish inside her during sex after the 1st time. The list goes on and on.

She is leaving me alone for now. Hopefully it stays that way. God help the next man she gets a hold of. It really is a shame people like this exist and family members do not intervene to get them help.

Well then you got the best outcome possible, believe me. You know this is someone incapable of having a fulfilling and loving relationship. You got out alive, literally, which is an accomplishment. Learn from it and never turn back. She sounds a lot like my exBPD. I'm fortunate enough that she has never tried to contact me, but I made a perfect exist, with evidence that could totally tarnish her reputation with some outstanding police reports/trials she has/had (none related to me). She has since married and had a child with her new bf (or husband now, wow !)

The best advice I can give is try to move on and learn your lessons. Don't return under any circumstances. I am a very selective and careful with my trust as is, so I was obviously completely bluffed by my ex-BPD. I now have a girl I deem to be completely sane, but more importantly, nearly perfect. I've already brought to much distrust from my past into our relationship, and I just hope I can forget my dealings with someone mentally insane.

[LA4610]

Thanks for all the advice guys! I had no idea what BPD was until I witnessed this girls bizarre behavior and consulted with a T.

I wish more people were aware of this horrible sickness. More men/women could recognize the signs early and bail out. "damsel in distress", clinging behavior, excessive texting/calling, wanting to have unprotected sex, crazy past stories and relationships, etc etc. Seems like Dr. Oz should do a special on it LOL

[LA4610]

Now things are getting kinda tough. We have stayed apart and I haven't contacted her nor she I. My anxiety is sky high though and I have impulses all the time to contact her. I haven't and wont, but DAMN THIS IS HARD.

[Skip]

LA'

Some thoughts... .

Most likely she was very upset with you at the party for something that she perceived as hurtful and she locked herself in a room because that is how she deals with her hurt.  Most likely she was waiting for you to rescue her... .ask what you did... .apologize.  When that didn't happen, she was hurt more.

This is BPD.  What you did may have been something like "not realizing she was shy and staying by her side" or "violating your relationship by looking at the girl in the low cut top a little too closely" or it could be related to the old boyfriend.  No big deal to you, but overwhelming to her.  It's real pain and her reaction was something she has learned works with many men - she has been rewarded for it in the past.

Not mean.  Not crazy.  Emotionally frail to the point looking to suicide as a way to cope with normal life  stresses.

As frail and sympathetic as this sounds (and it is), a person with this level of volatility shouldn't be messed with - for her well being and your own.  If you contact CPS or smear her reputation, or humiliate her with the silent treatment, things will probably not end there.

I agree with WWT - ignoring may make things worse as they need attention and if you won't give it in one way, they will push in unhealthy ways to get it and create drama. So the best solution is to give some and defuse the situation. Becoming boring is probably a very smart way to do so... .

This is good advice.  Lower the temperature here.  The best thing is to not initiate contact (she said don't contact her and she called the police), but be respectful and kind when she contacts you... .but don't engage anything emotional.

I'm sure she has a lot of redeeming qualities or you wouldn't be posting on "Undecided".  And the fact that she got emotional at the party and had to hide - well, she's not the first women to do that.

However, the one thing that really stands out to me in all of this is her calling the police. That could have landed you in jail and socked you with months of legal wrangling and expenses.  Whatever happened at the party, was perceived by her to be threatening enough for her to call the police. She really felt that.

If you are seeing this level of response, this early in the relationship, to this level of stress - it's  more than a bad day.

A person with hyper-moods is incredible when that mood favors us and can be devastating when it does not.

Hang in there.  We're here to talk this out all you want.

[LA4610]

"A person with hyper-moods is incredible when that mood favors us and can be devastating when it does not."

This is what I am struggling with. I miss that feeling when the mood favors me. I miss the intense conversations, sex, and company. I literally felt like I met my best friend the first couple weeks we were together. Now, it is all gone.

side note- she called the cops when i left the party. we got into a text message argument. she would tell me to stop texting her and then provoke me to continue shortly after. she showed the messages to the police officer, who called me and said "i am sorry to call you, i had to." none of the texts were threats or anything like that, just normal argument type stuff.

[LA4610]

i think i might have messed up. i had a really good morning at work today. i gave up and texted her "i hate this. you told me act like you don't exist, but you do and this is really hard" " i really want to be cool at work again"

after i texted that i was so sick to my stomach i had to go throw up. she still hasn't replied. i just wish the whole thing could be ironed out.

[Chapboy]

If you suspect or think she has BPD, this can't be any more clear: do not contact, initiate, or speak with her!

You have thousands of threads proving how interacting and intertwining or life with BPDs can lead to disastrous outcomes. All things considered, I think my situation/relationship was literally as bad as possible before jumping the fence into marriage, kids, etc. The mental effect it had on me seemed to have gone away after 2 years, but as I found a new girl more amazing then anyone I could imagine, I blast her with how I can't fully trust her, as you'll be terrified that someone who is telling you "i want always and forever with you," "i want to marry you," and "you're the life of my life" are coming from someone you can't trust, when they could be coming from the bottom of their heart. That is tough because you feel as you can't trust someone/anyone, and you could be hurting someone who truly does feel this way.

It seems like she knows she controls you now, and can manipulate how she deems fit. Remember, the decision is yours, do you want to roll the dice?

[pessim-optimist]

i think i might have messed up. i had a really good morning at work today. i gave up and texted her "i hate this. you told me act like you don't exist, but you do and this is really hard" " i really want to be cool at work again"

after i texted that i was so sick to my stomach i had to go throw up. she still hasn't replied. i just wish the whole thing could be ironed out.

Your instinct is most likely right; however, what's done is done.

This may not become a become a big problem if handled properly. I am just speculating here: she may not respond, then you are off the hook. She may respond, and depending on what she would say, if you are compassionate, courteous and friendly, not escalating the emotion or closeness, you may be able to extriecate yourself... .

My question to you is: What do you think is driving your need to communicate with her? And - is it something temporary - connected to this particular girl, or do you think there is something deeper going on?

[LA4610]

i think there are 2 things driving me to contact her.

1. i really want to get things ironed out at work. the silence between us does nothing but create anxiety. i have good relationships with everyone at work and always say "hello" "goodbye" and carry on conversations with my co-workers. then, there is her. the silence sucks.

2there is also something deeper going on. she told me things that made me feel so good about myself. her companionship was indescribable. now, i am alone. i was fine with that before i met her, but now it is really disturbing. it has made me question and doubt myself and our silence at work makes me feel like i am some kind of monster that did something terribly wrong.

[Calm Waters]

 My ex called the Police when I tried to help her come to terms with er disorder that caused her to attempt and nearly succeed in committing suicide - good luck and stay strong if you can

[Hazelrah]

"A person with hyper-moods is incredible when that mood favors us and can be devastating when it does not."

This is what I am struggling with. I miss that feeling when the mood favors me. I miss the intense conversations, sex, and company. I literally felt like I met my best friend the first couple weeks we were together. Now, it is all gone.

LA, this is usually the crux of a non's dilemma--it is one of the reasons this site exists.  Many of us struggle as we chase the dragon, so to speak... .i.e., rekindle the idealization phase that really hooks us, especially those of us with co-depency issues, etc.  Believe me, most everyone here knows of what you speak, and I am still in the long, drawn-out process of detoxing myself.     

Pessim-optimist asked an excellent question of you... .i.e., is it really just this girl, or is there something deeper going on?  For many of us on here, the latter usually holds more weight.